Previously: Christian Grey isn’t dead, and really, that is an accurate previously for every single chapter we cover and no, we will never be over his not-dead-ness.
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Lorraine: Last week I started to write Sweeney an email yelling at her for having the luck of getting to cover the super short chapter 19. Sure, we found out that Grey wasn’t dead and sure, Ana accepted his proposal, but then the chapter ended and now I’m stuck with the inevitable “let’s get married” sex. As it happens, though, I believe next week’s chapter- a Sweeney chapter- is the return to the playroom. You’ll forgive me for that spoiler because: LOL.
Sweeney: You’re the actual worst. I’m glad I began my search for a new BFF in yesterday’s GoT post.
Lor: Dearest Sweeney, know that I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at my temporary, whacked out assumption that either of us have it easy. We both lose!
Sweeney: A fair and accurate point. We can now take make up shots and carry on.
Lor: Thank you. New best friends need not apply.
We open the chapter with Ana confirming that she will marry Grey. He can’t believe Ana said yes and apparently, she can’t believe that Grey can’t believe that Ana said yes. I can’t believe that EL James would have us believe that Ana can’t believe that Grey can’t believe Ana said yes. WE ALL KNEW SHE WAS GOING TO SAY YES, DAMMIT.
Sweeney: Especially since she said “no” first and the tagline for these books should really be, “No means yes!”
Lor: A+
Grey grabs Ana and twirls her around, and she thinks about how very unlike him it is to be joyful and carefree, which is a great observation to make 10 seconds after you agree to spend your entire life with someone.
“Oh, Ana,” he breathes against my lips and it’s an exultation that leaves me reeling.”
He just said your name. I wonder if at Starbucks the barista calls out, “Ana?” and she thinks, “he’s worshiping me.”
“I thought I’d lost you,” I murmur, still dazzled and breathless from his kiss.
“Baby, it will take more than a malfunctioning 135 to keep me away from you.”
“135?”
“Charlie Tango. She’s a Eurocopter 135, the safest in its class.”
CLUNKY. In the middle of their rejoicing over an accepted proposal, we get this clunky copter-talk, so that we are super clear that someone tampered with Charlie Tango. This sort of style-less foreshadowing reminds me a lot of RL Stine, though to be fair, Stine was writing books for children.
Sweeney: One of many reasons I can’t help but judge people who defend these books, even though I like/defend a lot of crappy things myself. Setting aside the abusive, horrifying relationship that makes me feminist hulksmash, the characters suck and the poor excuse for storytelling is even worse. Sorry not sorry: JUDGING YOU.
Lor: Definitely. No matter what, if you like this trilogy, I’m judging you.
Suddenly, Grey realizes that Ana gave this present to him before they went to visit his psychiatrist Dr. Flynn. He’s shocked and Ana’s response is basically:
She wanted him to know that no matter what Dr. Flynn said, it wouldn’t make a difference and she would marry him. This seems like the dumbest thing in the world to me, because how about if Dr. Flynn said, “Grey really has changed since he killed those 17 other women…” That would change your fucking mind, right?
Sweeney: Probably not, because this is Ana. Aside from that important fact, this is also annoying because she could have just said, “Yes. I will marry you and nothing Dr. Flynn says will change my mind.” But, again, this is Ana, and that would have required her to use her words, a skill neither of these two posses.
Lor: Grey doesn’t find this romantic at all and says that he was busy begging her and buying her a house to get her to say yes and she already had! This is another one of those moments where they both suck and I don’t know who sucks more.
She shrugs at him again.
Grey says that “retribution is in order” seeing as how Ana left him hanging.
“Retribution? Oh shit. I know he’s playing- but I take a cautious step back away from him anyways.”
I know he’s playing, but I take this moment to put space between us. ‘Cause he’s playing. Honest. Tooootally playing…
Sweeney: Ana running away was the precursor to the big break-up beating, wasn’t it? Yes, totally playing.
Lor: Grey says that this is a fun game and when Ana tries to take another step back, he grabs her and throws her over his shoulder and proclaims it shower time.
He carries her into the bathroom and then turns on the shower and puts her under the “Arctic water.” She finds this all super entertaining and they are laughing and giggling. Does this sound fun to you? Seriously, in an apart from Grey and Ana being horrible always way, does this sound like a good time? I might be a crab ass, but if someone carried me into a freezing cold shower while I still had all my clothes on I would NOT be laughing.
He puts her down and they kiss beneath the ice water. She starts to undress him, ripping the buttons of his shirt and all, though he stops her before she can pull off his pants. He undresses her and we get some elongated nipple action, for those of you keeping track of that sort of stuff.
Ana grabs the body wash and starts washing Grey, which is our once-a-sex-scene reminder that she can touch him now and she fixed him see. Also, I find this entire thing weird because he’s still wearing his pants. So she just soaped up his chest while he was wearing pants. IS THIS WEIRD OR IS IT JUST ME?
Sweeney: Not just you. That’s fucking weird. Pants must be removed before bathing begins. Add this to the long list of things we never expected to need to clarify, before E. L. James came into our lives.
Lor: He reciprocates by washing Ana’s hair super sexually. She says she wants to wash all of him, so he finally takes off his pants and she of course makes a comment about his erection. It’s really annoying how this observation is always made by both of them. They are engaging in foreplay, and yet every time there is a, “woah-h0-ho, look who’s happy to see me” or “wow, you sure are ready for me” comment. YES GUYS. THAT’S HOW SEX WORKS.
Sweeney: EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Lor: Anyways, she soaps up his penis and then starts jacking him off, which seems like a mighty fine way to get soap in the urethra and cause all sorts of pain. Speaking of pain, her inner goddess shows up and isn’t crying anymore. She’s “wearing harlot-red lipstick.”
Grey remember it’s Saturday so that whatever form of birth control Ana started (which I forgot and can’t be bothered to look up) is now fully birth controlling and he doesn’t need to worry about condoms. I’m a little sad because the condom factory in Grey’s pocket where he “produces” all of these foil packets is one of my favorites. (S: Mine too!) RIP condom factory.
He enters her, gives the requisite “you are mine,” and then the actual in-and-out portion of this sex lasts like two sentences, thank God.
“I could have lost him… and I love him… I love him so much, and I’m suddenly overcome by the enormity of my love and the depth of my commitment to him. I will spend the rest of my life loving this man, and with that awe-inspiring thought, I detonate around him- a healing, cathartic orgasm, crying out his name as tears flow down my cheeks.”
A “healing” orgasm! That is probably going to come in super handy for Ana in her abusive relationship.
Sweeney: Oh, I get it now! Their orgasms heal them! Lor, you missed that in your superpower segment of the vlogs! That’s probably the second best superpower yet, right after panty-bombs. It doesn’t matter how mentally broken he is or how physically abused she is, because they orgasm and regenerate! WHICH MEANS THAT THEY ARE NEVER GOING TO DIE.
Lor: I’m just over here cracking up over the thought of a healing-orgasm super power. Imagine if that were your power and you were wounded in like, a car wreck. I’ll leave it at that.
After a line break, they are just sitting in the shower talking about all the stuff that’s happened this past week, and we know, because we read it. Grey admits that he was scared when his helicopter was on fire, as one would be. This opens the way for about another page of how much they love each other and could never possibly live without each other, until he declares it time for bed because she looks “beat.” And it’s funny because he said beat and he’s beat her before.
Sweeney: I CAN’T EVEN.
Lor: After another line break we find Ana and Grey in bed and he is drying her hair. Grey says his keychain is the best birthday gift he’s ever gotten.
“I would have told you earlier, but as it was your birthday… What do you give the man who has everything? I thought I’d give you… me.”
Genius, Ana, but what will you give him next year?
Ana asks if he didn’t call and let everyone know his helicopter crashed and he was hitchhiking back to Seattle all because Jose was with Ana. He says yes with his guilty silence and Ana calls him a fucking idiot. Or maybe that was us, last chapter, but it can never be said enough. This stupid bitch let his family believe he was in mortal danger all because he can’t trust his girlfriend when she is within a certain number of feet from a penis. Ana says she’s a little mad, but he smiles at her, or something, so that’s all forgiven.
After YET ANOTHER line break, Ana is waking up from a nightmare, though Christian keeps sleeping. She gets up to make him breakfast and she finds that Jose is out in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal.
I can’t help but flush when I see him. He knows I’ve spent the night with Christian. Why do I suddenly feel so shy? It’s not as if I’m naked or anything. I’m wearing my floor-length silk wrap.
“Morning, Jose.” I smile, brazening it out.
“Hey, Ana!” His face lights up, genuinely pleased to see me. There’s no hint of teasing or salacious contempt in his expression.
Newsflash Ana: NO ONE FUCKING CARES. It’s so hard to be constantly reminded of just what an immature little twit she is in this erotic novel. You are an adult, Ana. And what’s more, not everyone is as obsessed with your love life as you are.
Sweeney: It is legitimately the only thing she ever thinks about, so much so that she can’t comprehend the idea that anyone else might ever be thinking about anything else.
Lor: Ana offers to make Jose breakfast too, as she’s making some for Christian for his birthday. Jose comments that she really likes him (Grey), and she corrects him: she loves Grey. “What’s not to love?” Jose jokingly asks as he gestures at the apartment. Ana wonders if she’ll always have to contend with people wondering if she married Grey for his money.
Let me think about this, Ana.
WHO CARES. Go cry into your rich boyfriend’s pillow and think about how you would judge a girl who was living for free in her best friend’s apartment when she suddenly met a rich man and after 5-6 weeks of dating and being whisked away on helicopters and yachts and first class flights, became engaged to him and had a lofty promotion at work where he is the boss.
Jose clarifies that he was just joking and Ana changes the subject to whether or not he wants an omelet.
Sweeney: Again, Ana is making all sorts of assumptions about everyone else’s intentions based not on their actions but on the E. L. James bullshit premise that everyone is obsessed with her. He says that she has never been that kind of girl and she tells us that she’s changing the subject because she doesn’t want to argue. HE WASN’T ARGUING WITH YOU. HE APOLOGIZED AND SAID YOU AREN’T LIKE THAT. CALM THE FUCK DOWN.
Lor: I suspect that living with Christian Grey makes you super sensitive to arguments and disagreeing with people and breathing too loudly. Just, among other things.
Christian strolls in only wearing his pajama pants hanging off of his nipples in a really sex way. JUST KIDDING GUYS. IN THIS BRILLIANT TURN OF EVENTS, THEY ARE HANGING OFF OF HIS HIPS.
Sweeney: No but seriously, this description made me LOL for real and needs the direct quote:
“And me,” Christian says as he saunters into the great room. Holy fuck, he’s wearing only pajama bottoms that hang in that totally hot way off his hips—Jeez!
Sometimes her stupidity is actually hilarious.
Lor: Grey swaggers in and goes over to piss on his hydrant in the form of a loud, wet kiss. Ana is annoyed that he’s showing off in front of Jose but she doesn’t say anything because it’s his birthday, in stark contrast to all those other times she says something when he’s being a dick.
Jose and Grey start talking about fishing and it’s a BFD because they are being civil to each other. By the time Jose leaves, they shake hands and everything. After he’s gone, Grey comments that he clearly still wants in Ana’s panties because of course he does. Ana says that isn’t true, since they are just friends but then realizes that she sounds just like Grey when he’s talking about Mrs. Rape. That would be totally true, too, if it weren’t for the fact that Grey and Mrs. Rape actually had a sexual relationship and also a rape relationship. So it isn’t quite the same.
Grey asks if she told Jose about their engagement, and she didn’t because she wants to tell her parents first. Grey would like to ask Ana’s step-dad for her hand in marriage too and Ana’s all, “Oh, Christian- this isn’t the eighteenth century!” because she’s a feminist you guys! Ana is totally hip to the modern woman’s cause. Grey says it’s traditional though, and he shrugs giving me another opportunity for a shrug gif.
Anyhow, it’s time for Ana to give Grey her two remaining birthday gifts. The first is a wooden toy helicopter with solar powered rotor blade. She mentions she bought it before he crashed his helicopter and almost died. I find it hilarious. Grey says it’ll keep him company until Charlie Tango is fixed, and he refers to it as a “she.” AND IT MAKES ANA JEALOUS. Seriously, seriously. She feels a “small pang of jealousy.” This stupid bitch.
The second gift has a card inside which we don’t read but apparently includes the phrase, “do rude things to you.” Like… cut her off in traffic without a turn signal? RUDE. Bump into her while you are walking and not say, “excuse me?” RUDE. Burp in her face? RUDE.
Apparently, no, though because the rest of the box is filled with these items: an eye mask, nipple clamps, a butt plug, his iPod, his gray tie and the key to the playroom. He asks if she’s sure she wants to play in the playroom and she says no whips and stuff, but yes playing. Grey says they will go down to the playroom now, and off they go.
Sweeney: It’s also super creepy and weird the way that Grey is silent while thinking about what stuff he can do. He’s not like, “Oh, fun sexy times,” but totally like chin-stroking-villain-who-is-about-to-murder-someone-slowly.
Lor: Ana’s favorite!
Her inner goddess, meanwhile, “somersaults round her chaise lounge.” What about somersaulting is sexy?
You know what? I’ll answer my own question.
Whisper Count – 12
Murmur Count – 11
Favorite comment last post: Given that all of E.L. James’s ‘plot twists’ get resolved in around three pages or less, I now have a new theory: she does not in fact exist at all. These books were actually a collaborative effort by a bunch of bored kids on a bus. They were playing that game – you know, the one where you take turns to add a bit more to a story that you’ve all built up together? But it never works because everyone always has some ridiculous idea that they just want to cram in to the story, no matter what’s come before. – Alex
Next time on Fifty Shades Darker – Back into the Red Womb of Pain we go, but our consolation is that this book is almost over! Find out how it goes in chapter 21.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
