Previously: Stannis and his fleet reached King’s Landing so we actually spent the entire episode there, watching the battle. It looked like he was winning, until Papa Lannister returned with Loras Tyrell which wins it for the Lannisters. Also, Cersei was drunk and it was hilarious.
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Valar Morghulis
Sweeney: The credits thing was a great ruse. We got new places as places were added, and then shit stayed the same, so I’m done acknowledging this. After the epic-but-not-revealing credits, we see an eye waking up and faint sounds of battle noises. This is Tyrion and his first sight is Pycelle, who you will recall is no great fan of Tyrion’s, having be imprisoned by him. Pycelle fills Tyrion in on the fact that Tywin gets full credit for the victory and now Tyrion isn’t hand of the king. He tosses a coin at Tyrion, a reminder of when Tyrion burst in on him.
Lorraine: Here’s to hoping Tyrion takes all those ungrateful little shits down.
Sweeney: Probably not today, but that’s definitely on our S3 wish list.
In the throne room, Tywin enters on a horse, who opens the scene with his shit, which is appropriate because Joffrey is speaking. Big ceremony where Joffrey grants shit to people. Tywin is proclaimed Hand, Littlefinger gets Harrenhal, which causes Varys to make a face that we have used before:
Loras Tyrell is thanked for their aid and told to ask for a request. Loras says Margaery remains “innocent” because she never slept with Renly, and so he wants Joffrey to marry his sister. She chimes in that she totes hearts him already. This is the moment I first went all, “Huh?” about the casting of Natalie Dormer, and had to look up stuff about her character in the book. Still, male characters are frequently aged up more than female counterparts (who are more likely to be aged down) so I can’t fault them that, I didn’t actually read the books, and I don’t have any of the established ND rage that many of you do, sooooo my reaction was basically, “Huh. Weird,” and then I got over it.
Joffrey thinks she’s hawt, but he is promised and stuff. Cersei says that his small council thinks it would be unwise to marry the daughter/sister of traitors and so they beg him to set Sansa aside. People gasp, so Joffrey makes a show of how he took a holy vow. Pycelle appears to say that the pact was made before the Stark “betrayal” and that their crimes against the realm free him from any religious issues. He’s all, “Yay! Gods are good! I’m free!” That was easy. Now he’s engaged to Margaery.
Lor: Your first husband was gay and your second husband is a sadistic creep! In the words of Cersei: ENJOY.
Sweeney: Indeed! I feel like she’s a less awesome Cersei. Power grabby and probably a little evil without really knowing how to run shit like Cersei.
Sansa walks away and starts laughing a little. Littlefinger walks up to spoil her fun by reminding her that “Joffrey’s not one to give away his toys,” and being free from the marriage isn’t freedom from Joffrey beatings or Joffrey sex. Damn. He also says that Cat was like a sister to him, which is EW, and that he hopes that for Cat’s sake he will help get her home. REMEMBER WHEN YOU HAD AN OPPORTUNITY BEFORE, GIRL? Sansa says King’s Landing is her home now. Littlefinger says everyone around her is a liar and better at it than she is. She’s much improved, though, Littlefinger! Give her some credit.
Lor: I do. She looked legit horrified as she was walking away and it was only a few steps in that she gave her little relief giggle. That’s all she gets, too. Two seconds of happiness before is Sansa Sad time. Also, as a commentor pointed out last post, Sansa doesn’t really have a place to call home right now. I want her out KL’s but Winterfell isn’t really an option. Le’sad.
Sweeney: Indeed. Sansa Sad time = 99.9% of the time.
Ros is covering up bruises when a man with a cloak comes in and sits down. She undresses, but the cloaked man is Varys and he stops her. He’s there to ask her about how she’s found working for Littlefinger. She reaches for his pants and instantly realizes who he is. Womp. Varys knows about the Littlefinger beatings and wants to work with her. Ros is afraid of Littlefinger, though. Varys says she should be, but Littlefinger has a weakness that he doesn’t hide quite as well as he thinks.
Lor: Is it Lady Cat? Because he might as well walk around with a Trapper Keeper with Littlefinger + Catelyn 4Eva doodled on it.
Sweeney: Right? There has to be another secret, because Varys implied that he’s one of the few (only?) people in the know on this.
Elsewhere, Jaime is asking Brienne taunting questions about her virginity and childhood, and implies that she doesn’t know what it is to feel like a woman. They come across three women who were hanged for sleeping with Lannister men. Jaime taunts her some more while she goes to untie and bury them. She is stopped by the arrival of three more men who want to know what they’re doing there. Brienne says she’s transporting a thief taken prisoner, and Jaime plays along nicely.
The men make the expected LOL BUT YOU GOTS A VAJAY jokes, so that we can dislike them immediately. She doesn’t rise to the bait and tries to end the conversation quickly. They ask what she thinks of the three dead women; she hopes they got quick deaths. “Two of them did,” their smarmy leader replies. Brienne again tries to leave, but one of the men recognizes Jaime. They try to deny it and smarmy leader says he’s going to ask them a question that the must answer simultaneously: what’s the prisoner’s name? Seems like some basic shit they should have worked out a while ago, right? It didn’t occur to them that a cover story might be good? They exchange Aw, Shit looks and Brienne pulls out her swords and kills the two non-leaders instantly and knocks the leader over. “Two quick deaths,” she says before stabbing him in the crotch and up into his organs. I’m torn between “Ew” and “Awesome.”
Lor: EWSOME! which might as well be the Game of Thrones tagline.
Sweeney: SO TRUE.
Jaime is confused that she murdered Stark men. Brienne says for the millionth time that she serves Cat, not the Starks. Then she tells him to STFU so she can get to burying.
Lor: He also looks fairly impressed with her sword skillz, as well he should be.
Sweeney: Robb and Cat are arguing about the marriage thing. Robb gave his word, Frey is dangerous, and breaking vows invites others to do the same. He talks about how much he loves Lady Talisa, and Cat reminds him that his parents had an arranged marriage in which they didn’t know each other but it ultimately worked out, and his father would not approve of him breaking vows. Robb says his father is dead and she has no right to call him reckless, then he storms out like a brat. I’m really mad at him. I’m still super mad at her for letting Jaime go, but now I’m mad at him for behaving that way because she’s right. (L: +1. That’s the type of behavior that gets you dead, Robb. STOPIT.)
Stannis is mega pissed that Red Lady promised victory and it didn’t happen. He feels like a fucking idiot for believing in savage gods. Red Lady sasses about how long she’s been fighting, so he straight up CHOKES HER and asks her where her god is now. She doesn’t reply and it seems like he might actually kill her, which would be great because she gives me the creeps. She finally answers, “Inside you,” and he lets her go. He gets all sadpanda about killing his brother, so she gives him a “comforting” speech about he’s going to betray everything ever before this is over, but he’ll win so it’s totes OK. He’s not buying it so she makes him look into the fire and she does some crazy voodoo which causes him to see something that makes him believe.
Lor: The shots of the fire reflected in their eyes is reminiscent of the opening shot this episode with the battle fire reflected in Tyrion’s eye.
Sweeney: At Winterfell, Theon is staring into the fire as horns blow. He’s way pissed, because it’s night and he’s surrounded and they are blowing horns to keep him from sleeping in order to drain his spirits and remind him that he is surrounded. Theon wants Maester Luwin to send more ravens, since there has been no word from his father, but the ravens are all dead. Theon sobs about how he’s been reminded his whole life that he should love his captors and grow up to be rejected by his family.
Lor: I tried to squeeze out an ouce of feeling for Theon. NOPE.
Sweeney: Couldn’t be done. FOUR FEELS FOR [INSERT ALMOST ANY OTHER CHARACTER’S NAME HERE]. None for Theon Greyjoy.
Luwin tells Theon that he should run. 500 men wait outside the gates and he only has 20 men, so he’s going to lose. Theon says he can’t make it past the gates, let alone home. Maester Luwin suggests he use secret passageways to get out and go to the Wall to take the black. He adds that Theon is not yet the man he’s pretending to be, but Theon says it’s too late to pretend to be anything else.
The following morning, he’s rallying his men and the horns are still blowing. Just to be clear, the men outside had the annoying horn blowing even closer at hand, so I’m not quite sure how stellar that strategy is. Anyway, it’s a little crass, as you’d expect, but Theon was apparently well kept enough to attend the little lord speech lessons. He tells his men that they’re going to go out fighting and it’s a great speech that ends with chest banging until his Guide to Iron Islanderness knocks him out and they put a black bag over his head.
Lor: Like that they let him finish his speech before knocking him out, like that he was knocked out, LOVE that crazy ass face he gives in the last gif, HATE SPEARED LUWIN. WHY.
Sweeney: YES TO ALL OF THAT.
In King’s Landing, Varys is explaining to a skeptical Tyrion that Ser Mandon Moore was ordered by Cersei to kill Tyrion, and only lives because his squire saved his life. Tyrion asks his amazeballs squire to go get Bronn to have gold cloaks outside his door all the time always, BUT NOPE, Bronn’s no longer on the job and the gold cloaks are all loyal to either Tywin or Cersei. The hill tribesmen have gone home, paid off by Tywin.
Left alone, Tyrion is very short with her. She goes to undo his bandages and he tries to resist, but loses. He’s ashamed, but she says he is amazing. I love her. I get why and I feel his feels, but: he’s a total dick to her. He says she’s there for money, as that was their initial arrangement. Shae, to her credit, isn’t taking his shit and basically tells him to grow up. This is why they are perfect. She wants them to leave King’s Landing and go to Pentos, because he doesn’t belong there, what with all the people who want to kill him.
Unfortunately, he can’t do that. He does belong there because out talking and out thinking the bad people is what he’s good at and he likes it more than anything he’s ever done. He asks if she’s going to leave and the answer is obviously no. She is his, and he is hers. He starts crying and OMG <3
Lor: My Trapper Keeper now says Tyrion and Shae 4Eva. Seriously, they are fantastic.
Sweeney: Back at the unknown battle location, the couple I have lukewarm-at-best feelings for goes ahead with their marriage by way of a late night shady seeming ceremony. I mean, I don’t really know Westeros customs so maybe this isn’t shady seeming to anyone else, but getting married super late at night with almost nobody present screams, “We’ve got something to hide.” Because, you know, they kind of do.
Across the narrow sea in Qarthtotesthebest, Daenerys is going to get her dragons back with Ser Jorah and her last remaining Dothraki dude. He apparently missed the memo that she will not be talked out of this, because he tries. And fails. There are no guards outside Fun Dip Manor The House of the Undying because sorcerers kill with magic not steel. There does not appear to be a door on the round building, so she walks around looking for it and Jorah follows, but not close enough and she eventually disappears. He completes the circle back where our Dothraki friend stood at the start and starts shouting her name.
Inside the dark tower, she has a torch and shouts, “You trying to fight me with magic tricks? You want me? Here I am. You afraid of a little girl?” before she hears the sound of her dragons calling.
Off in some unknown wilderness, Arya is walking with her two companions when they spot A-Man standing on top of a cliff. She walks closer and he magically appears on the ground. He says he was waiting for her and when she asks how he killed all those guards, he adds that she can find out if she goes with him. She has so many names to offer to the Red God (OMG SO DO WE! TEACH US!) and she can offer them all if she goes to Braavos with him. She hesitates because she reallyreally wants to, but she has go find her mother, brother, and even her sister. A-Man gives her a coin and says that if she ever needs to find him again, she can give it to anyone from Braavos and say, “Valar Morghulis,” which she repeats, winning them both the final gold star of season two! Congrats, guys!
She asks him not to go. He says that Jaqen is dead and makes her say the episode title again before he turns into someone else entirely (someone way less attractive, without the dreamy eyes) and walks away (because nobody wants to see your non mesmerizing eyes, New Face Guy).
Lor: I miss A-Man already, and his little Rogue-esque strand of white hair.
Sweeney: Me too. Watching this bummed me out all over again.
Back in Winterfell, Bran and company emerge from the crypts to find Winterfell torched. It’s not a pretty sight. Just outside the gates, they find Maester Luwin at the tree where we saw Cat and Ned chat a long time ago. Luwin is still alive and Bran wants to know what they can do to save him, but it’s too late for that. Maester Luwin tells them that someone might come back for them so they need to head north to the wall. Jon can look after them and send word to Cat and Robb of their whereabouts. Bran doesn’t want to leave him, but he does, begrudgingly. Osha has one last chat with Luwin, about how she’s now got to look after them because she’s the only one who can. It is also then implied that she stabs him to spare him the rest of this slow, agonizing death.
The direwolves lead the way, with Bran in his little cart, as they walk off into the grassy hills, with Winterfell burning in the background. AND MY FEELS, YOU GUYS. I HAVE SO MANY OF THEM RIGHT NOW AND I CAN’T FUCKING HANDLE IT. IS IT SUNDAY YET?
Lor: The opening credits music is playing softly and emotionally throughout this scene and DEAR SWEET LORD. Seeing Winterfell burning got me almost as much as the Ned Stark beheading. THIS SUCKS.
Sweeney: THE WORST. THE ACTUAL WORST.
Inside The House of the Undying, Daenerys walks into a great hall that turns out to be the throne room at King’s Landing, only it is covered in snow because the ceiling appears bombed out. (Or more likely burnt by dragons, but I’m not well-acquainted with that sight.) She goes to the throne, but before she even touches it, she hears her dragons behind her. Walking toward the noise leads her through the gate the goes north of the wall. Guys, she doesn’t have any sleeves! Does not burning extend to not feeling cold?
Sweeney: Fake-north-of-the-wall, she sees her old Dothraki tent, covered in snow. Inside, the snow is gone and Drogo sits, holding a little baby boy. (L: DROOOGOOO!!) Daenerys is overwhelmed by the feels, but not so much that she can’t recognize that this is dark magic, much like the dark magic that killed him. She briefly considers that she is dead and already in the Night Lands. He offers that he maybe refused to go and told the reaper to fuck himself, because Drogo is a BAMF. He adds that if this is a dream, he’ll kill the man that tries to wake him.
Daenerys rests her forehead against his and looks at her baby and is clearly considering staying there. She starts crying, though, as she realizes that this isn’t an option, and repeats the “sun rises in the west” speech before walking out.
With that test of her strength, she finally finds her way to her dragons, chained to a stone pedestal. Fun Dip appears and tells her that the birth of the dragons also made their magic come back and that magic is strongest with them around, which is why he stole them. He’s also kidnapping her, though, because the dragons need her to thrive. Chains appear, and there’s a brief stare down, before Daenerys remembers that she trained her dragons. She says “Dracarys,” and after a little sputter, they start shooting fire at Fun Dip, killing it. Then one of the dragons gets the idea and scorches his own chains.
Sweeney: North of the wall Ygritte is happily beating Jon to get him to talk. Eventually he starts teasing her back a little, and the Halfhand shouts, “Enough,” knocking a Wildling off balance and stealing a sword. “Why, traitor?” he shouts as he knocks Jon over too. The head Wildling says to go ahead and let them fight, and Jon gets his hands on a sword too. I don’t really know how to snark a swordfight. There is some trash talk, including taunting Jon about his traitor father and whore mother, successfully getting him angry. Jon eventually knocks Halfhand’s sword out of his hand and runs his sword through him. He whispers, “We are the watchers on the wall,” before he collapses and dies.
Ygritte says they can tell Mance Rayder that Jon is the one who killed Halfhand. Lead Wildling takes Jon’s sword from him and cuts his ropes with it, telling the others to burn Halfhand’s body. Jon has acquired a lot of new brooding material, and Ygritte can see it on his face. They are a few steps away from being able to see down into the valley where there’s a Wildling village of sorts, and it is time for Jon to meet the king beyond the wall.
In Qarth, the English speaking handmaiden is sleeping in bed next to Daxos. His necklace is snatched off of him and he wakes to see Daenerys strut in with her dragons and also a gaggle of Dothraki because there are apparently more still alive than I thought. Down at his safe, they open it to reveal that it is empty. Daxos and Handmaiden with the Heart of Gold plead for mercy but NOPE; they are locked inside the no longer empty safe. She and her people then raid the rest of the place for valuable stuff to trade for ships.
Lor: This was a pretty badass scene. Dany walks off with her dragons and an I TOLD YOU I WOULD FIND MY MF DRAGONS smile on her face.
Sweeney: Samwell and the two other Night’s Watchmen are grumbling through their miserable chore which appears to be rummaging for shit to burn. Literal shit. Ew forever. As usual, Sam can’t shut up about Cassie from Skins Gilly, but they obviously want him to stop talking for the rest of forever. Then they hear the horn blow. They think it’s the Halfhand. It blows again. They grab their swords to prepare to fight Wildlings. Then they hear the dreaded third blasts for White Walkers. The other two run off, and Sam tries to follow but he trips. He stands there looking around in the blizzard and eventually tries to hide behind a rock. The camera pans up to show that there is a fucking army of White Walkers approaching. Like in Pirates of the Caribbean, but way worse because this is in the snow, so you not only get killed by zombies, but you’re miserable and freezing too. Fucking worst.
Lor: AS IF EVERYONE IN THIS WHOLE MISERABLE FICTIONAL WORLD DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT, HERE IS A ZOMBIE ARMY.
Sweeney: A horrifying looking White Walker on a horse walks up to the rock Sam hides behind, stops, and starts raising his spear thing and making this hideous banchee cry thing as the camera pans out over the full extent of this zombie army.
Sunday now, please.
Speaking of Sunday: we are doing a special Twitter chat while we watch, using the hashtag #gameofsnark. You can either follow it via Twitter search, HootSuite, or, my personal recommendation, a service like tweetchat.com — whatever works. Grab a drink and snark with us. And also feel all the feels with us, because we know there will be many.
Next time on Game of Thrones: Catch up with all of your favorites and not-so-favorites (JOFFREY) in the season three premiere S03 E01 – Valar Dohaeris.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
