Goosebumps #001 “Welcome to Dead House” – Or “Yay Death!”

Lorraine: One of the ways the Snark Ladies keep in touch is our amazing shared document, The Snark Squad Master List.

If you know anything about the Snark Squad it probably took you about one second to guess that our lovely in-house organizational prodigy, Nugs, made the document for us.

Nugs: I love how you refer to my obsessive sickness as “organizational prodigy.” Meanwhile I’m single with no prospects and pushing thirty. So there you go.

Lor: Uh, People are intimidated by your skills? If you won’t take my word for it, just take a look at the first data fields:

That has “Nugs” written all over it.

Our master list grew from a simple way to keep organized to a document of endless entertainment. A work of art, I would say. A thing of beauty.

I bring this all up now, because the SSML is how I ended up with the duty of reviewing the first Goosebumps book of ever.

Nugs: Yeah, thanks. 

Lor: No complaints from you! I called you a prodigy.

The point is that that’s how it happened. One itty, bitty comment and Sara mailed off this book, complete with the note pictured to your right.

Welcome, one and all, to my last relationship. I MEAN- to the thing I do just because everyone else says it is a bad idea, clearly referring to this book and not any personal experience of mine. Ahem. 

I mean, how bad can it be?

We open the book with some things we’re used to around here: children complaining and the author picking on an overweight character.

The children are siblings Amanda and Josh. Amanda is 12 and Josh is 11 so we’re probably gonna get a lot of stupid from them.

All the complaining is over the house this family is moving into. Amanda and Josh don’t want to move at all, but I guess the fact that the house is obviously haunted makes matters that much worse.
Because I like to be really helpful, I’ve highlighted all the ways I knew this house was haunted:
1.) The dead tree. It is summer time in the book.

Nugs: this could also have just been a lack of knowledge about botany. Or science. Or anything ever.

b.) What I can only assume is a self-opening door. NO.

cat.) Uh, the fucking GHOST in the window.

So. You know. Just using the detective skills I picked up from covering Nancy Drew.

Anyhow, the overweight guy is their dad, henceforth known as Negligent Father of the Book, or NFotB. Apparently, his shirts always come untucked because he’s fat. And fat people… are slobs? Can’t keep their clothes on?

Nugs: Also known as #drunkpeople.

Lor: Josh is a whiney baby and usually gets his way by throwing tantrums. Amanda says, “I’m a lot more patient than Josh is. A lot more sensible. Probably because I’m older and because I’m a girl.”

Oh, amen, girlfriend. Are we talking about my last relationship again? No. We’re talking about Josh being a pansy-ass. He tries to throw a “I’m not moving and you can’t make me,” tantrum but it isn’t flying. See, NFotB’s great uncle Charles died and left the house to them. You don’t say no to free stuff.

Negligent Mother of the Book is all, “uncle who-the-fuck?” and NFotB is all, “BEATS ME! FREE HOUSE.”

Oh, holy stupidity. I hope they die.

Nugs: I can TOTALLY see why Sara gave up on this book. Stay strong, Lor.

Lor: *drinks*

The name of this town, by the way, is “Dark Falls.” Subtlety is for people with way too much time on their hands. We’ve got places to be, houses to haunt and little kids to scar for life.

Mr. Dawes is the real estate agent showing them around the house. He picks up on how unhappy the kids are. He tries to comfort our 12-year old protagonist by telling her that he just moved to Dark Falls too. He didn’t like it at first but now, he wouldn’t live anywhere else. Then he winks at her and smiles.

Sir? She’s 12. Stop that.

Josh lets the family dog out of the car and he starts running around all crazy-like and then stops to growl at Mr. Dawes. “He probably smells something on me. Another dog, maybe,” Mr. D says. Or, you know, maybe pedophilia. I hear that has a lingering stench.

The haunted house is really big and amazing. After the grand tour, Amanda goes outside to find Josh but he is nowhere to be found.

The Negligent Parents, the Skeeve Estate Agent and Amanda all start looking for J-Dawg, and eventually climb in the car to drive around and search. They finally find Josh in a nearby cemetery where Petey the dog is freaking the hell out. See he was sniffing around the dead flowers in front of the house one minute and just bolted the next. Josh chased after him.

If none of this is significant later on in the book, I’m going to feel really stupid. I mean, like even stupider than normal Goosebumps stupid. I just never know what to mention.

Like now, where they make a point to tell us that Skeeve Estate’s full name is “Compton Dawes.” Negligent Mom is like, “wow. Terrible name.” Not in so many words, but almost.

Skeeve Estate says he has no idea where his own name came from, as no one else in his family is named Compton. Ask N.W.A where that name comes from, sir. (Also, according to Wikipedia, in the show Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Will’s friend Jazz was from Compton.)

 

Amanda tells us all about how weird it is packing up her old house and having to say goodbye to her oldest and best friend Kathy. I only mention this, really, because Amanda says that people are surprised that they’ve stayed such close friends, mostly because they look so different. 

Amanda explains that she is “tall, thin and dark,” and Kathy is, “fair-skinned, with long blonde hair and chubby.” You’re “dark” and she is “fair-skinned?!” How have you managed to stay friends?

Thanks for the under-cover racism.

Nugs: Lor, I think you’re missing R.L.’s point here. Clearly, he loves brown people because the white, blond girl is “chubby.” So you’re good, Lor. You’re good. He’s still in love with you.

Lor: Naturally.

Blah, blah, blah, moving day. When they arrive at the house, Amanda sees a little boy looking down at her from one of the upstairs windows. “Holy haunted, yo,” she exclaims, but not really, because I’m not the one writing this book. Her parents poo-poo her away because the house was free and ghosts don’t exist. But mostly because the house was free.

Next, RL takes about half of the book to tell us about how a door opens and closes by itself in this creepy, old house. Then the curtains are moving and – DUN, DUN, DUN, the window isn’t even open.

Amanda keeps seeing things, like creepy little girls hanging out in her house, and her parents tell her to “stop seeing things,” (not making that up) because they have a lot of unpacking to do. She’s either crazy or the house is actually haunted, so, as a parent, I can see how both those things would be tre distracting.

“Boys in your room. Curious blowing. You have to realize that you’re nervous.” Just thought I’d drop that little piece of dialogue from NMotB in there for you all to chew on.

“Curious Blowing” might be the name of my band I’ll never start or the autobiography I never write.

A lot more nothing happens. Seriously: NOTHING IS HAPPENING. Not even idiotic shit.

Oh, wait. The curtain is moving by itself again. Oh, and someone picked out Amanda’s clothes for her and it’s really mysterious. Except that, not really, because that is the most thoughtful ghost eva. Get that bitch over to my house. Does it iron too?

Nugs: Yeah, really. Amanda is pissed about that? If I were a ghost that’s exactly what I would do. I would fold the laundry also. My housekeeping skills are sexual, yo.

Lor: If I were a ghost I’d be leaving chocolate out in random places and making fun of people’s ugly children.

Amanda and Josh take Petey for a walk around the neighborhood. It’s all overcast, because in Dark Falls it is always overcast. Not a car passes by and the kids don’t see anyone until some little kid appears “out of nowhere.” Amanda recognizes him as one of the kids she’s seen in her house.

Ray is all, “what? me? I haven’t been in your house in a really long time.” Ray used to live in creepy house, see, when his family first moved to Dark Falls.

No one thinks to ask how long a “really long time” could possibly be, given that Uncle Who the Fuck owned the house previous to dying, and this kid is like 2 or 5 or fetus years old, or something. Instead, they figure they should play with the kid. They contemplate what to do and Josh observes that “it’s really dead around here.”

Oh, what Josh? Did you say it was DEAD around here? That was really subtle and I just wanted to make sure I’m picking up on key details.

Ray takes them to meet some other kids “from the neighborhood” and they all basically dress like emo kids, with black jeans and dark colors in the middle of summer. I’m guessing their shoes are also untied.

Things get creepy when the kids all form a circle around Amanda and Josh and start closing in around them. Josh, conveniently doesn’t notice because he’s trying to get Petey to stop barking. Amanda keeps asking what is going on, but the creepy kids just smile crazily, twirl around their baseball bats and keep closing in around them, until Mr. Skeeve Estate Agent shows up in the nick of time.

The creepy kids all stop being creepy and Amanda is pretty sure she’s lost her fucking mind. Considering it took me about an hour on a Sunday night to get through those last 20 pages, I’m pretty sure I’m losing mine too.

When the Skeeve Estate Agent leaves, the kids just go on to play normal, regular softball, until the clouds break up and the sun starts to appear. One of the kids blows a whistle and is all, “hey, remember that thing? We have to do at home? Right now? Like wash our hair for forever?” and all the creepy kids are like, “OH. RIGHT. That thing,” and they all run home, leaving Amanda to wonder WTF just happened.

Some lazy passage of time later, Amanda has learned to ignore all the weird stuff that happens in her room at night. That sounds like a recipe for uh, rape. (Nugs:Totally. Way to teach life lessons there, Stine.) Or maybe she’s just bored with being creeped out every time the curtains move. RL, even your characters are bored. YOU WROTE THEM.

Josh and Amanda hang out with creepy kids a lot now and one day they were playing softball, Petey escaped his leash and ran away. The kids look all over with no luck and run home to their loving, supportive, attentive parents. LOL. JAYKAY. They run home to their actual parents who are all, “sucks for the family dog! Maybe he’ll show up one day.”

That night, Amanda is tuning out the whispering and giggling (these ghosts giggle a whole damn lot) when Josh busts into her room. He remembers the first time they visited the house, when Petey ran away to the cemetery. He’s convinced that that’s where Petey is now. Amanda is all, “it’s past midnight!” and Josh doesn’t care and is going to go check it out, with or without her.

Good thing their Negligent Parents are at a block party, and subscribe to the school of thought that 12 year olds can be left alone under any circumstances.

They make it about half-way to the graveyard when Ray creepily comes out of the shadows all, “hey what are you guys doing?” What are you doing, you creepy fuck?

Amanda explains that they are going to the cemetery to look for their dog. Ray tells them they can’t go to the cemetery, but Josh is a pain in the ass and doesn’t listen to anyone so he just starts running towards it and Ray and Amanda follow.

Once they reach the cemetery, Amanda trips over a tree root. There is an old tree, that seems to be leaning over, nearly fallen and down below it is an amphitheater. Amanda asks what it is, and Ray says they have their “meetings” there. I think I should compile a list of sayings that should immediately tip you off about danger. “This is our meeting place,” is definitely on there.

They keep looking for Petey, and lo and behold, here he is, sniffing tombstones. Josh runs to grab him but drops him again because he smells like a DEAD rat. Oh, a living rat, Josh? No? A DEAD one? Just making sure.

They call out to zombiePetey but he doesn’t recognize them or listen to them and runs off again.

Because these kids are dumb, and still have no clue what’s happening, they keep running after their dog, until Amanda happens to catch a glimpse of a tombstone that has the name of one of the creepy kids they play ball with. She shows it to Josh who is all, “maybe it’s her mom,” and Amanda is all, “who was born in the 1700’s?”

His maths are definitely bad.

Nugs: Hey, don’t make fun of the bad math. Not all of us are smart at school shit. I can’t even count right.

Lor: No worries, Nugs. You still have your lists.

Amanda finds a tombstone for each of their new playmates, including one for Ray. Oh, there he is again! Lurking behind Amanda just in time.

“THIS IS YOU,” she exclaims and he confirms. He died in 1988, btdubs, which would probably make him the previous inhabitant of the haunted house.

He apologizes for lying about being alive. I don’t know, Ray, that’s a pretty big lie. I don’t think an “I’m sorry” is really going to cut it.

Nugs: In Ray’s defense, I figured that out in like, five minutes. #kidsaredumbyo.

Lor: Ray explains that she wasn’t supposed to find out for at least another three weeks, and it was his job to make sure she didn’t, because he’s “the watcher.” She asks about Petey and Ray explains that, yeah, they killed him because dogs always sniff out dead people first.

Shit. SOMEONE ACTUALLY DIED IN A GOOSEBUMPS BOOK. I mean, yeah, it’s the dog. BUT YAY! A DEATH EVERYONE! A DEATH!!

Ray says that the town needs fresh blood, which is why they invited her family to the “Dead House.”

Ray floats up above Amanda and she starts to choke, and gasp for air, falling to the ground and nearly blacking out before Josh shows up all, “WHAT IN THE HELL,” flashing his flashlight in Ray’s face. Dead people don’t like light, I guess, because Ray screeches and tries to shield himself, but Josh holds it steady because momma didn’t raise no fool.

The light is burning through Ray’s flesh and, Jesus, get this, his flesh is melting off his face until he has none and his eyeballs fall of their sockets and onto the ground. Then, he falls to the ground and cracks his skull open on a tombstone, leaving behind only a pile of bones.

I’m not gonna lie. I had a very 12-year-old, “GROSS! …Cooooool.” moment as I read this. Josh and Amanda haul ass out of the cemetery all the way home, determined to make their parents believe them and leave the town ASAP. Of course, loving and caring parents that they are, they are home and listen to every word their kids say.

LOL. JAYKAY. They are still at the party.

While Amanda and Josh try to figure out what they should do, dead children appear all up in their house, uninvited. Rude. I’d almost not forgive them, were it not for this excellent joke. “We used to live in your house, but now we’re dead in your house.” #punny

The kids are trapped but the creepy kids are interrupted by a knocking on the door and it’s the Skeeve Estate Agent. He tells them that something is really wrong with that town and that their parents are safe and they have to get out right now!

I think I yelled, “yeah, he’s dead too,” at these kids like 8 or 1000 times, but they don’t listen to me and they go with the Skeeve Estate Agent anyways. Amanda asks where their parents are and SEA says that there’s this really great amphitheater at the edge of the cemetery… RED FLAG.

They get there and Skeeve is leading them, until Josh remembers Petey the zombiedog. Amanda never had a chance to tell him zombiePetey was dead, so he starts chasing after him again. He trips and falls, and as Amanda approaches him, they notice that the grave he tripped on belongs to Compton Dawes aka the Skeeve Estate Agent. See? Dead. Told ya.

Skeeve further explains that they used to be a normal town, until an accident at a nearby factory let some noxious gas escape and it killed everyone in town. But their souls couldn’t rest, so they became a town of living dead.

Josh tries to flashlight Skeeve, but the flashlight broke when he fell. Thinking on his feet, he chooses to chuck the flashlight at his head instead, and it cracks his zombie forehead open. AWESOME.

Josh and Amanda run away, and Skeeve can’t chase them because the sun is coming up and it’s become too bright for him. In the shadows of the trees, he walks instead towards the amphitheater. Amanda notices that all the other creeps from town are showing up now too, and heading towards the meeting place. “Except Ray,” she thinks. “Because we killed him.”

Fuck yeah, you did.

Nugs: I was gonna write that! Word.

Lor: The kids remember their parents, and figure they should find them or save them or something. By now, all the dead people are seated in the meeting place, protected by the shade of the leaning tree. Their parents are on the stage, tied back to back.

Amanda doesn’t even have to think too hard to realize that RL put this already practically fallen over tree here so that they could save their parents. Josh and Amanda get running starts and run shoulder first into the tree, pushing with all their might. They do this a few times, almost giving up, before the tree cracks and falls.

Sunlight pours into the arena and the living dead all start howling and gasping in pain. Their skin melts off in unison, as gray skulls are revealed and they scream frantically. Eye balls are rolling out of sockets, bones are dropping to the ground, etc.

Before the kids look away from the gruesome sight, Amanda sees one of her creepy playmates mouth, “thank you.” When all the melting and dying (again) is over, they go save their parents.

Nugs: Are you thinking of Beetlejuice? ‘Cause I am totally thinking of Beetlejuice.

Lor: The family packs the hell up, jumps in their car and gets away. As they are leaving, Amanda yells for her father to stop. She jumps out of the car and runs back to the house, compelled to look at it one more time.

She gets there, stares, almost hypnotized when a red car pulls up with a new family. “Who are you,” one of the kids ask. “I… I used to live in your house,” Amanda replies before running away and back to the car with her waiting family. She looks back and thinks she sees the Skeeve Estate Agent on the front porch. She decides that’s impossible, but also decides that warning other people about the potential murder they are walking into is over rated. They drive away.

Have fun being murdered, new bitches.

I was all prepared to give a “I have no idea what just happened in this book because it was 90% the most terrible shit ever and 10% some of the better Goosebumps shit ever,” but the truth is that I know exactly what happened. RL wrote this book and Schoolastic pulled him aside. “Look,” I imagine they said, “we really like where you are going. Really. But this was boring. I mean, reaaaaaally boring. I mean, we’re going to publish a millionty Ann M. Martin books and we still think this is boring. Can you maybe make more things happen? It doesn’t matter what things! It doesn’t have to make sense or follow a plot line. These are kids books and kids are stupid. Also. All that gory stuff? The actual scary stuff? Yeeeah. No. No more of that please. We were thinking mermaids.”

Nugs:I thought the ending was kind of badass though. No? No?

Lor: Yep. Which is obviously why they never wanted this to happen again.

So the moral of the story is that if someone tells you a guy book is undateable unreadable and you take that as a challenge, you might try to get through it really hard at first, to prove a point. And maybe the sex is good and he treats you real nice. But then things get boring and then you start to ignore obvious red flags. Maybe things get kind of interesting, though, in a gruesome type of way, because there is baby momma drama and he proposes to you after like a month. But it doesn’t matter. Dead is dead and sometimes you just have to put it out of its misery and push a tree over even though there is no fucking way two kids could push a tree over. And then there’s crying and wailing and eyes falling out of their sockets, but it’s over, and you drive away, and you don’t give a fuck who comes next to try and move into that house, because you’re over it.

So, you know.