Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 22 – Fizzles and dies.

Previously: Ana and Grey revisit the Red Womb of Domestic Violence and some how we end up with a post full of Jafar gifs. You’re welcome.
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Lorraine: Ana is horrified because, if you’ll remember, Kate has chosen Grey’s birthday party as the moment to confront Ana about an email she found. Kate’s all, “what the fuck is this? Who in the hell changes the subject line each time they send an email?!?!” Just kidding! There are far more horrible things in this particular email, as it contains the Sexy Times Contract. I’m sure we will now get a good discussion that will pave the way for future conversations between Ana and Kate on the disturbing nature of this relationship. Just kidding again! I’m on a roll! Instead, let’s watch and see how this is all resolved within two pages:

Ana “instinctively” steps in between Kate and Grey, which is hilarious because it insinuates that Ana is going to physically protect Grey. From Kate. Meanwhile, Grey just wants to know what’s going on. Ana tells him to please just go and let her handle this. Of course he has no intention of ever leaving her alone or of letting her handle anything. So, Ana hands him the printed out email. Grey wants to know where Kate got the email and he DOM!STARES her out of the answer: she found it in the pocket of a jacket hanging on the back of Ana’s bedroom door.

Sweeney: It’s worth pointing out AGAIN that this whole segment is a fine example of E. L. James cheating at narrating, because all the looks are menacing and when Kate doesn’t answer immediately it’s obvs because she’s faltering under the weight of his DOM!STARE and it’s about as ridiculous as I’m sure you all expect by now.

Lor: Right. Kate could be buckling under the weight of his stale breath for all we know, but alas. Narration cheats.

Ana notes that Kate is doing pretty decently standing up to Grey, all said and done.

“She’s a beacon of hostility in a slinky, bright red dress. She looks magnificent. But what the hell is she going through my clothes for? It’s usually the other way round.”

1.) Ana picks the worst times to notice things. Wow, Kate looks great while she’s yelling at me about my abusive relationship!

2.) STFU. You wore Kate’s plum dress everyday for probably 2 weeks. I’m pretty sure you had some sort of sexual contact in, near or around that dress. You haven’t been to your apartment in FOREVER. So, what the hell was she doing in your room? I DON’T CARE. I HATE YOU.

Sweeney: (1) I just died laughing. That’s going to be my new favorite thing. When I’m angry I’m going to ask people questions but cut them off with, “I DON’T CARE. I HATE YOU.” (2) This bit from Ana made me so angry. It cannot be stressed enough that she got all manner of jizz, sweat, and who the fuck knows what else on that dress of Kate’s. YOU NEVER GET TO SAY A WORD ABOUT KATE TOUCHING YOUR CLOTHES. EVER.

Lor: Especially because we had a scene where Ana went into Kate’s closet and got the dress. That’s fine if that’s the type of relationship you have with your best friend, but then, that’s the type of relationship you have with your best friend. All agreed then, Ana can shut up.

And

3.) I think Americans would more commonly go with “the other way around.”

Sweeney: That’s really polite of you to say it that way. I think you meant: “For the millionth time, James demonstrates that she knows nothing about her hollow shell of a character because no American would ever fucking say it that way unless they were being a pretentious douchebag, which Ana’s not actually smart enough to intentionally do.”

Lor: It’s like you can read my mind.

Christian is mostly concerned with whether or not Kate has told anyone. She assures them that she didn’t and then Grey lights the email on fire, which is a nice way to confirm that you are most definitely guilty of something. Kate again asks Ana if she’s okay. Ana says she is and that Kate should just ignore it. Kate has a moment of WTF? IGNORE IT? but then Grey spills the beans that they are engaged. Ana whisper-begs her friend not to ruin the party and Kate’s all, “…okay.”

Seriously, that’s it. Ana just says, “it’s fine, I’m marrying him!” and our two pages of subplot #257 is over. Kate apologizes to them both and says she was just worried about Ana.

Sweeney: IT’S SO UNDERWHELMING. Expected, of course, because every opportunity for actual tension fizzles and dies like this, moments after starting. More than that, though, it’s expected because really writing this scene would have meant acknowledging how horrible this relationship is.

Lor: Never that.

Mama Grey interrupts this to give her son a birthday hug. Out in the hall, Ana thinks about how Kate could’ve ruined the whole night if she had told people about the sex contract. “I shudder at the thought- the ramification of Christian’s lifestyle revealed to all. Holy cow.”

I find this hilarious. I mean, I know why a hot shot CEO wouldn’t want the whole world to know about his predilections. That’s fine. I just don’t get why it would be OMG THE WORST EVER if his family found out. Granted, it isn’t dinner chat, but if I called my immediate family right now and told them all that I, a self-sufficient adult, liked to tie boys up and hit them before sex, they would all tell me the same thing: TMI, DUDE. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. I would still be invited to Christmas dinner, though, is all I’m saying.

Sweeney: 1430. Also, you could probably make a great reality TV special out of that Christmas dinner, though.

Lor: If this blog ever ends, that’ll be my next project. For real.

Ana and Grey make it to the living room where the other guests are and are greeted with a “deafening round of applause.” She scans the room and notes those in attendance: the Greys, Ethan, Mia, Dr. Flynn and his wife, Mac from the boat, a black guy who works with Grey, Mia’s friend Lily, two women she doesn’t know and… MRS RAPE!

Sweeney: Ana makes a point of mentioning her dislike for Lily. Sorry-not-sorry, this had to happen:

Lor: It did indeed. Other things about the guests:

1.) Please note that everyone is either family or works for Grey because no one would ever actually be friends with Christian Grey.

2.) Twelve people. DEAFENING APPLAUSE.

Mrs. Rape comes over to flutter around Grey. She wonders if he got her messages and everyone has an awwwwkward moment.

“Ana,” she purrs. “You look lovely, dear.”
“Elena,” I purr back. “Thank you.”

If someone purrs at you, you have to purr back. Those are the rules of polite society.

Grey decides this will be a cool time to make his announcement so he calls everyone’s attention. He says that he’s super glad to be there since he almost died in a helicopter yesterday and he then announces that Ana consented to be his wife.

Sweeney: (1) It’s really awkward that he keeps phrasing it that way. Repeatedly. “She consented to a lifetime of suffering.” -and- (2) Helicopter Girl is a redhead named Ros. This isn’t really important, except that I’d rather think about the least badass woman we’ve met in Westeros than anything at all in this book.

Carry on.

Lor: Everyone gasps or cheers or whatever and Grey gives Ana a kiss.

“You’ll soon be mine.”
“I am already,” I whisper.
“Legally,” he mouths at me and gives me a wicked grin.

Sweeney: A+ for the rest of forever. Valedictorian.

Lor: SWEET! I’ll prepare my speech.

Mama Grey gushes over how much Ana has CHANGED HIM and Mia asks if there is a ring, which pisses Grey off. He says they are going to pick one out together. Mia then asks if they’ve set a date and Grey gets exasperated and irritable. What a dick. I mean, it’s fine if you don’t have those details sorted, but those are the questions people ask when you announce an engagement. Like, if I announce I’m pregnant, I can’t get pissed if people ask when I’m due. If I announce I found a new job, I can’t get irritated if someone asks me where. This is probably why he has no friends.

Dr. Flynn approaches the couple with his wife, who Ana describes as, “a striking young woman with long, dark, almost black hair, cleavage and lovely hazel eyes.”

She has cleavage everyone! Hair, eyes and cleavage.

What follows is a horribly stilted conversation in which this psychiatrist jokes that his life would’ve been pretty dull had Grey died and also makes some sort of cricket metaphor. IDK. Hair-N-Clevage is chatting with Ana, but she isn’t paying attention. Instead, she’s trying to snoop on Grey’s conversation with Dr. Flynn about the Ghost of Submissives Past’s response to treatment. Apparently it’s going well.

Later, they are joined by Ros and a blonde woman introduced as her partner.

“She is full of praise for Christian’s piloting skills. It was her first time in Charlie Tango, and she says she wouldn’t hesitate to go again. She’s one of the few women I’ve met who isn’t dazzled by him… well, the reason is obvious.”

I don’t even fucking know right now, guys. Either Grey makes your panties combust or you are a lesbian. Great.

Sweeney: Welp. Guess that’s that then.

Lor: Dinner is served and on the way to the dinning room, Mia pulls Ana to the side. She gives her a cocktail and Ana wonders, “is she trying to get me drunk?” OH, NOW YOU ARE SUSPICIOUS ABOUT SOMEONE TRYING TO GET YOU DRUNK? NOW ANA, AT THIS PARTY WITH A FRIEND?

Anyways, Mia’s situation is that Ethan (Kate’s brother) doesn’t want to date her since Kate is dating Elliot (Mia’s brother). Ethan thinks it’s a little incestuous.

Sweeney: The Cullens “keep to themselves.“

Lor: I’m a little sad that I didn’t pick up on that but more happy that you did. Excellent.

Ana dispenses sage advice:

“Can you agree to be friends and give it some time? I mean you’ve only just met him.”

OHREALLYGIRL?

REALLY?

Mia for her part raises an eyebrow, which is like 1000% more contained than anything I would’ve done. Ana starts to explain that she knows she’s only just met Grey but… and before she can tell us all about how their love is special and held with the glue of fear, emotional manipulation and dolla, dolla billz, Ana just suggests Mia talk to Kate about it. Mia accepts this and leaves.

Sweeney: Ana hates on Mia after she leaves, which is extra shitty given Mia’s totally chill reaction to Ana’s hilarious advice.

Lor: Just as Ana is about to leave the room, Mrs. Rape enters and closes the door.

“I think all the blood has drained from my face, but I marshal both my subconscious and my inner goddess in order to appear as calm and unflappable as I can.”

Please tell me more about how marshaling your multiple personalities makes you appear calm. I’d love to know how the bitch who is always somersaulting and performing 2-3 sports at the same time is going to improve this situation. Plus, your subconscious doesn’t even like you.

Sweeney: That’s why she’s our favorite.

Lor: What follows is a pansy showdown. Mrs. Rape says she isn’t going to say congratulations. Ana says she doesn’t even want her congratulations. Mrs. Rape is all, “GOOD ONE BRO!” and says that she didn’t think Ana would be a worthy adversary. Ana tries to ain’t-nobody-got-time-for-this her way out of the room, but Mrs. Rape says, “not so fast, missy.” Because these are our grandmas fighting, apparently.

Mrs. Rape says that Ana is making a mistake marrying Grey, because he has needs she won’t be able to fulfill. Ana thinks she should STFU on account of being a pedo-bear. Mrs. Rape calls her a gold-digger and Ana throws the rest of her martini at her. There is a moment of shock before Grey enters the room, because he’s been away from Ana for like, 5 minutes now, which is a thing that cannot happen.

He asks Mrs. Rape what she’s doing and her response is that Ana isn’t right for him. She says the same shit about him having needs again and Grey yells back at her so loudly it elicits an “oh crap!” from Ana. Grey asks if Mrs. Rape thinks she’s what’s right for him.

“I was the best thing that ever happened to you,” she hisses arrogantly at him. “Look at you now. One of the richest, most successful entrepreneurs in the US–controlled, driven–you need nothing. You are master of your universe.”

Thank you for reminding me one more time before we finish the book that I’m reading dirty Twilight fanfic.

Rape goes on that she taught him everything he knows, though he contends that she only taught him how to fuck, and it was empty. “You never once held me,” Christian whispers. “You never once said you loved me.”

Mrs. Rape says love is for losers, and at that, Mama Grey reveals she’s overheard this all! She yells at Mrs. Rape to get out of her house. Then she slaps her and calls her a whore.

Sweeney: There’s never an inappropriate time for a Joffrey-slap gif.

Lor: Mrs. Rape runs away.

Mama Grey asks Ana for some time alone with Grey. Ana leaves.

“In the hallway, I am momentarily lost.”

Wow. That must be one hell of a hallway.

Ana does the classy thing and tries to eavesdrop on Mama Grey’s conversation but Ros catches her. Ana runs off to Christian’s old bedroom to think deep thoughts about how she totally IS right for Grey and how tragic his whole life has been.

“And in a moment of stunning clarity, I don’t question how he’s lived his life until recently- but why. His reasons for doing what he’s done to countless girls- I don’t even want to know how many. The how isn’t wrong. They were all adults. They were all- how did Flynn put it?- in safe, sane, consensual relationships. It’s the why. The why was wrong. The why was from his place of darkness.”

See, dear readers? It doesn’t matter how he treats women because it was toootally consensual, ’cause Grey is really good at accepting “no” for an answer. All of it was sane too, except for the part where one of the girls actually went insane and tried to kill them and then herself. But none of that how matters because all that matters is that bad things happen to Christian and Ana fixed him, the end. He’s no longer in darkness because they are each other’s light and they dazzle and bejewel each other, or some shit.

Ana is suddenly inspired to do something and she goes over to his pinboard and examines the picture of The Crack Whore. Ana is relieved to see that she doesn’t look like her at all! Phew. Total relief.

Sweeney: I’m glad we’ve just decided she doesn’t look like her, now that we moved on from that pointless too-many-chapters-long arc. So many chapters were dedicated to this similarity, but now that they’re engaged, POOF! No similarity!

Lor: Because being engaged to a dude who picked you because you look like his mom would be weird.

She goes off to find Grey because she’s been away from him for like, 7 minutes, which means he may have called the police. She meets him on the stairs and they hug. Ana asks how Mama Grey is and apparently, “mom is pretty fucking mad at me right now.” I’m not a mom, but I can’t imagine that if I found out my friend took advantage of my son when he was an adolescent that I would be particularly mad AT HIM.

Sweeney: Right? As usual, this makes negative sense.

Lor: Ana asks how he feels and he answers, “liberated” and smiles.

“Wow, I’d crawl over broken glass for that smile.”

THAT IS NOT HEALTHY. If some dude told me he’d crawl over broken glass to see me smile I’d say (1) SLOW DOWN, CRAZY and (2) bloody knees do not make me smile, so try a joke or chocolate, stupid.

Anyways, Grey decides to give Mrs. Rape the salons (thus removing them from his Domestic Violence Emporium) and have nothing else to do with her. Grey wants to get drunk, BUT FIRST:  he asks Ana if she’s eaten. Ana tries to protest, but he insists that if she’s going to be drinking, she needs to eat. He reminds her that he gave her this same advice that first night they spent together after she puked in some bushes. Then he has a confession:

“I lay awake for hours and watched you sleep,” he murmurs. “I might have loved you even then.”

Oh, you mean when she was passed out drunk? And you’d met her two times before then? After you tracked her cell phone? You watched her sleep for hours while in your bed even though she wasn’t aware she was even in your bed or next to you? Romantic.

They go back downstairs to eat.

We cut to the end of the party and it’s just the family left. Apparently, Mama Grey is drunk and singing karaoke, which is the same way I’d mourn if I found out my good friend took advantage of my son when he was an adolescent. I’ll let you decide if this is sarcasm. It may not be. I like karaoke.

Grey says he has something to show Ana and takes her outside. Ana offhandedly mentions that she’d like to go to church, since she prayed for him to come back alive and he did. It’s a weird bit to just randomly throw out there, especially since all Grey says is, “okay.” We also learn that Grey bought Overcompensation Hall. Look forward to that in book 3. Or, you know, not. Whatever.

Ana remembers the last time she was walking in the backyard with Grey was when he took her to the boathouse for punishment sex. He remembers it fondly but Ana reminds him that he was really angry. He’s always angry, he says, but then he takes it back because he isn’t anymore because Ana fixed him. Have we mentioned that this chapter yet?

Inside the boathouse, up in the attic, Grey has filled the room with flowers. There are lights and lanterns and I guess if you need a visual I could leave you with this from a totally unrelated work of fiction:

Grey says she wanted hearts and flowers, so that’s what he’s giving her. Inside of the room, he drops to one knee and proposes. It’s pretty bland but I guess if you are curious:

“Anastasia Steele, I love you. I want to love, cherish and protect you for the rest of my life. Be mine. Always. Share my life with me. Marry me.”

Though now that I think of it, it’s pretty Grey, isn’t it? Be mine. Share MY life, not let’s share our lives. Marry me, period, not “will you marry me?” Ana says yes, and Grey is relieved so I guess no one is going to address that she already said yes. And remember when he said they would pick out the ring together? LOL. Nope. He picked it. Which is fine, but also it’s funny that he lied.

Sweeney: “I thought about giving you some choice in the matter. Then I remembered you’d be wearing this for the rest of your life and LOL there’s no way you can be trusted with a decision like that.”

Lor: They kiss a lot and the last line we read from Ana is “we are meant to be.” “Dead,” is all I would add.

There is a section break and we get this stupid little added scene that is supposed to be super mysterious but basically it’s Jack Hyde, Ana’s ex-boss, sitting outside of the Grey mansion, smoking and plotting his revenge against them for getting him fired. He was behind the helicopter crash. He’s going to to try and kill them some more in book 3, so spoiler: we’re going to keep playing the “AND THEN SHE DIED” game.

Dear and loveliest readers, it’s the end! …of this book. But it’s still an end and it makes us incredibly happy. Naturally, we want to of course thank you all for reading along with us, even when it was quite evident that not much was happening and yet it still always got worse. We of course hope you will join us during the last leg of our journey, even in the face of imminent reproduction. See you there!

 

Murmur Count – 6
Whisper Count – 11

Favorite comment last post: My mind went straight to: ‘Do you want cheese on that?” “Yes and can I also get a foot long turkey club with extra pickles”. “Sure. Anything else while we’re being recorded for a sex cd?” “No, thank you”. “Okay, that’ll be 12.46. You get a free cookie today”. Ya know. Subway. – Catherine

 

Next time: Before we dive into a new book, we’ll be wrapping up Fifty Shades Darker next week with a special post (or two). (Maybe.) Tune in and find out!