Previously: Sam failed to do his ONE JOB, Jon got laughed at by Mance Rayder, and Tywin was a megadouche of epic proportions to Tyrion.
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Dark Wings, Dark Words
Sweeney: Nothing new to report from the title credits. Winterfell is still on fire, and we’re still upset about it. Astapor, home of Baby Fun Dip, is still on the map. You know what is new this time? BRAN’S BACK. We begin the episode in what must be his dream, because he’s running. Also, this kid is growing crazy fast. Don’t child actors realize that they need to slow that shit down?
Related: I also suspect that allowing our youngest actors to grow up might be something of an added perk for the writers in dragging out the third book across two seasons. Again, haven’t read them, but I can imagine that the age of the actors becoming an issue at some point.
Anyway, this dream sequence KILLS ME. Why? Because Jon and Robb are in it. THREE STARK KIDS ARE TOGETHER AGAIN. My heart breaks because I have a feeling that this kind of thing will only happen in dreams. The dream sequence is in the woods, but the dialogue is from the first episode, with the brothers giving advice to Bran as he tries to shoot (a raven, this time, as they are a staple of Bran Dreams) and Ned’s voice (!!) telling the brothers off when they laugh at Bran for missing.
Lorraine: Look at how tall Bran has gotten! He appears to be just inches shorter than Jon Snow. This is some handsome puberty he’s going through, too. Lucky.
Sweeney: Agreed. Actual-Not-Dream Robb is talking to Lady Talisa and with all the non-stop stress that I feel for this family, I am still so fucking mad at him for endangering them further.
Lor: There never seems to be an appropriate scene to address this, what with Lady Talisa apparently bringing tons of pain and suffering, but I recently found out that the actress (Oona Chaplin) is Charlie Chaplin’s granddaughter. I am properly amazed. Back to the misery:
Sweeney: The misery is interrupted with more misery in the form of news from Riverrun and Winterfell. Cut to Robb talking to Cat, who asks if she’ll be wearing manacles when she puts her father to rest and OH BY THE WAY, the Bastard got to Winterfell to find the Iron Islanders gone, the castle in flames, and her two youngest children missing.
As she asks if Robb has heard anything at all from Theon, we segue magic to him strapped to wood in some awful torture-interrogation set-up. He wants to know where he is (+1) and a guy appears to start prying off his fingernails for no reason other than to gross me the fuck out.
Brienne and Jaime continue to stumble through the woods together. His taunting has now turned to (1) how boring a companion she is (STFU!) -and- (2) her affection for Renly, who he deduces was the one she was sworn to before Lady Cat. Jaime makes Renly-was-gay jokes and before anyone has a chance to even think, “Says the sister-fucker?” Brienne has him pulled back by the hair, ready to slit his throat. More seriously now, Jaime adds that he doesn’t fault Renly because we don’t choose who we love. OK. Fine. (But still, you know, says the sister-fucker.)
They are spotted by a small man carrying a bunch of stuff on a horse who notes that staying off the King’s Road won’t keep them hidden forever, but that Brienne looks like she can handle herself. The man carries on and Jaime adds that he thinks the guy recognized him. Brienne refuses to kill an innocent man. “More innocent than Lady Stark’s daughters?” he asks.
Over in King’s Landing, Sansa’s tormentor Joffrey is being fitted for shmancy new clothes, while Cersei does her feigned-support-for-everything-Joffrey-says-while-secretly-hating-her-own-child thing. Cersei gets in a dig at Margaery when Joffrey rejects fabric for being flowery; Cersei suggests that he give it to Margaery as a wedding gift, because it’ll be enough fabric for her.
Lor:
Sweeney: Then Cersei tries to get Joffrey to talk about Margaery. He starts with all the strategic aspects of his marriage, and agrees when Cersei changes the subject to Margaery’s beauty and intelligence. When she tries to get him to discuss how tactical Margaery herself must be — giving a shit about poor people, and “dressing like a harlot” — Joffrey loses interest. He also adds that Margaery did what she was told, like intelligent women do. It’s not what actually happens in the scene, but we need a Joffrey slap gif right about now:
Lor: A+! You actually get extra credit for this one. All better?
Sweeney: All better. Almost. Not really.
Just to demonstrate how “not really” all better it is, we jump to Sansa. Shae is trying to figure out what Littlefinger wanted from her in the last episode. Sansa insists that he can’t be in love with her and he’s totes too old to want to have sex with her. Shae’s all LOL it’s cute that you think that way, and adds that if Littlefinger does ask or try anything, Sansa needs to tell Shae, so she can make him stop.
Sweeney: Sophie Turner does appear to be super tall, though I think she’s standing on something here. Also, the fact that Shae had a knife strapped to her leg during Blackwater, combined with how we’ve only ominously hinted at her back story leads me to believe that she has the bite to support her bark.
Loras Tyrell arrives with an invitation to join Margaery and her grandma, who we’ve been forewarned is a total FLOWERBOSS. Shae finds this suspicious, but Sansa’s excited. It’s weird how happy she has gotten to be this season, since last season I regarded her not committing suicide as sufficient demonstration of her DIREBOSS-level strength.
Lor: It makes me sad to think she has hope. Clearly, she’s not going home to burning-Winterfell. More smiles now probably just means more feels later.
Sweeney: Truth.
There’s sort of a slow, dramatic reveal of the little old lady in the chair, but it makes perfect sense once she opens her mouth. It’s clear that we were not misled. I’d like to quote her entire speech, quite frankly. Sansa and Margaery open with pleasantries, but Grandma FLOWERBOSS is having none of that. She’s very frank and direct about how little sense she feels her son and grandson have and how foolish she thought Renly was for aspiring to the throne. She also just uses a lot of awesome sassy-older-person language. It’s basically my dream for old age: I fully intend to take advantage of ability to say whatever the fuck you want. Of course, I think she did it when she was young too.
All of this candor is, in addition to being part of her character, a means of earning Sansa’s trust. Once they’re at a table away from the servants, Grandma Flowerboss get to the point: they want to know if the rumors they’ve heard about Joffrey being evil are true. Sansa gets super uncomfortable and refuses to answer. At the mention of honesty, Sansa adds that her father was honest. When Grandma Flowerboss says they took his head for it, Sansa corrects her:
“Joffrey. Joffrey did that. He promised he would be merciful and he cut my father’s head off and he said that was mercy. He took me up on the walls and made me look at it.”
When Margaery tries to get Sansa to go on, she recants and repeats all the bullshit about coming from a family of traitors. I really like Grandma Flowerboss, but when she insists that Sansa continue because she can trust them, I get really antsy. It was his trust, far more than his honesty, that cost Ned Stark his head. Regardless, Sansa trusts them and adds, “He’s a monster.” This won’t stop the wedding, though, because “The Lord Oaf of Highgarden has determined that Margaery shall be queen.” LOL. It’s great, because Sansa’s terror doesn’t evoke more than brief look of, “Oh, that’s a bummer” from either of these two badass women.
Sweeney: Agreed. Entirely. I think I said this elsewhere, but it is totally important to note that Sansa never even had the opportunity to be awesome in the way Margaery currently does. She was always in a certain amount of danger. The most she could do was survive.
Robb is being chastised by his adviser for marching his men to a funeral instead of battle. Robb insists that they’re also going to get men from his uncle, though they won’t matter much. Moreover, he adds that he’s felt Robb’s cause was doomed ever since he made the idiotic move of marrying Lady Talisa. AGREED.
Speaking of Lady Doom, it’s time for her and Cat to have a scene together. Cat’s telling LT that she’s having horse troubles because the horse can tell she’s afraid of it, and Lady Talisa’s all, “Nuh-uh!” But then she offers to help Cat, who appears to be making some sort of giant dreamcatcher. No. She can’t, because mothers make them for their kids. She’s done it twice before, both times in the hope that her sons would live — for Bran, and before that for Jon. What follows is a heartbreaking speech about her remorse for being so awful to Jon:
Lor: I mean… I’m not sure it works that way, but you were pretty awful to him…
Sweeney: Nor does this moment make all of that right. Still, the fact that she can recognize and admit to the error of her ways is significant. Pride is so abundant in Westeros that this seems rare and impressive to me.
Segue magic to that motherless little boy, marching with Wildlings. Mance Rayder comes up to him to chat. Mance asks if it was hard to kill Halfhand. It was, because Jon liked him. Mance likes Jon, but will have no trouble killing him if it comes to that. He then talks about how hard it was to unite all the Wildling tribes, but that he did it by telling them the truth that they would need to go south or die.
They come to a creepy man who is sitting perfectly still, looking at the sky, with only the whites of his eyes showing. This guy, it turns out, is a Warg, which means he can see through the eyes of animals. Ygritte teases Jon for never having met such a person (that he knows of! Bran?) and the animal scout comes back to them to say that he’s seen a bunch of dead Crows.
Some still-not-dead Crows are marching. One of them is being a total dick to Sam and basically asking him why he’s still alive. I feel guilty because I’d be thinking the same thing if this asshole hadn’t said it and made me feel awful. Sam collapses, giving up. The two guys who were with him in the S2 finale come back and help him up, because if he stops he’ll die. The Asshole keeps taunting, saying that they should leave him. Commander Mormont comes back to tell them all to STFU. He forbids Sam from dying (I WANT THIS AUTHORITY. CAN I GET THIS AUTHORITY? TO TELL PEOPLE THAT I FORBID THEM TO DIE?) and adds that Asshole is now responsible for Sam. If Sam doesn’t make it back alive, neither will he. Not sure this is the ideal way to engender brotherly support, but whatever.
Lor: I find myself least entertained by Sam’s portion of this episode. I FORBID YOU TO BE BE BORING, SAMWELL.
Sweeney: Same.
Down south of the wall, Bran wakes up to find Osha ready to attack something unseen in the woods. Rickon and Hodor are off getting food. Love Actually appears and Osha shows up behind him with a spear to his neck. Love Actually doesn’t have any weapons because his sister carries those. Said sister appears with a knife to Osha’s throat. She drops the spear, adding that they’ll get ripped to shreds by a direwolf if they kill her.
Love Actually knows the wolf is named Summer and becomes insta-BFF with it. He then introduces himself as Jojen Reed and his sister as Meera. They have come a long way looking specifically for Bran. Jojen adds that they have a ways to go.
Sweeney: Right? STOP WITH THE QUICK TRUSTING. Trusting is a thing Starks need to do less of.
Elsewhere in the woods of Westeros, ARYA (!!) is trying to get Gendry to stop asking her valid questions about A-Man. He points out that she could have ended the war by saying Joffrey or Tywin’s names. Fair, but she also saved her own life and got all three of them free.
They hear singing and hide, but to no avail. Singing Man shoots an arrow and threatens more, so Arya comes out, sword in hand. He laughs at her threats, but adds that she’s very dangerous and he likes very dangerous people. They make Gendry and the fat kid show themselves. These men have no interest in killing them because they are from the Brotherhood, who are trying to protect the countryside from the lords of Westeros. They want Arya & Co. to join them and after some banter in which she tries to resist, they ultimately relent, because they are obviously greatly outnumbered and outskilled here.
In King’s Landing, Shae comes to Tyrion, even though he’s told her not to go there. She has a problem, though: she’s worried about Sansa and Littlefinger. She mentions this fear comes to her by way of Ros; Tyrion hilariously has to admit to having fucked her. Then he adds that Sansa will have lots of suitors now because she’s beautiful and has a very old name. Shae’s mad that he called her beautiful, which is ridiculous, but then they quickly transition into the makeup sex, though with Tyrion cautioning her (again) about being there.
Lor: He’s got an upgraded room though, so that’s a step up!
Sweeney: Score for you, Tyrion! Your asshole father probably still hates you, but at least you can be hated in comfort now.
Margaery goes to see Joffrey, at his request. He’s angry now; it’s time to see just how clever she is. He’s got a weapon ready because he’s going hunting soon, but jumps rather quickly to making accusations about her being in the bed of a traitor. She is, however, clearly as fierce as expected. She slowly but brilliantly gives up Renly’s secret, saving herself in effect.
Joffrey adds that it was known that Renly was a “degenerate” and adds that he’s thinking about making it a crime punishable by death. Now I’m mad that I wasted that Joffrey slapping gif so early. Fortunately, there are many!
Lor: You overachiever you!
Sweeney: I do what I can.
Then Margaery really shows us what she’s got. She gets Joffrey talking about his new weapon, and OMG he’s stoked. It’s brand new and he fires it as a demonstration. Margaery cheers and adds that she’d love to learn how to use it, and maybe go hunting one day. Joffrey eats this up. He gives her a little demo and she makes a creepy Joffrey-bait comment about how nifty it must be to fire a weapon in one place and watch something far away die. Ew. This could be taken as “Margaery is creepy.” I’m leaning towards, “Margaery is absolutely brilliant.” Though maybe it’s both. Joffrey thinks she’s totes the best because he totally believes she could kill someone. Romantic.
Elsewhere, Theon is being tortured for “the truth.” Said truth is the answer to why he took Winterfell. Lots of torture, sometimes even after he gives answers, but the answer amounts to (1) nobody gave him the order; (2) he wanted to take it, hold it, and rule, while it was vulnerable; -and- (3) he did it to bring honor to his father. He also adds, when he suspects harsher punishment is coming, that he did it because he hated the Starks for keeping him prisoner.
They put a sack back on his head and go. One guy who appeared to be cleaning the torture cell (LOL, good cover, bro) lingers. He loosens the torture device a bit, saying that he was sent by Yara and will return for Theon after the castle sleeps.
Lor: As much as Theon made his torture chamber bed and is now laying in in, DISLIKE. CANNOT WATCH TORTURE. MUST LOOK AWAY.
Sweeney: A+ and I agree.
Bran & his gaggle, which now includes Jojen & Meera Reed, are walking when Rickon runs off. Osha calls after him, but Bran’s not scared because he sends the wolves to look after him. Jojen notes that Bran can see through his eyes, because he’s a warg. (See, Ygritte/Jon!) Bran says it’s not so because it’s only when he’s sleeping, but Jojen says this is only how it starts. Jojen also nonchalantly mentions having been in Bran’s dream and says that the three-eyed raven is separate from the warg thing, because it means being able to see things from the past, future, or perhaps just far away.
Behind them, Osha is all suspicious and wants to know what Jojen is just talking about and Meera’s all, “LOL just ask!” Osha says she should be ashamed of Jojen because any boy his age who needs his sister’s protection will find himself needing lots of it. Meera wins my heart instantly when she replies, “Some people will always need help. That doesn’t mean they’re not worth helping.”
Bran and Jojen are bonding over their special gift. Jojen says that Bran didn’t dream his father’s death; he saw it, as did Jojen. Jojen is the one who told his own father (whose name Bran knows — Howland Reed — though we haven’t met him yet) of Ned Stark’s death and its the only time he ever saw him cry. Howland saved Ned during the rebellion and although Jojen saw things of the rebellion in his dreams, he never heard of it from his father. The only important thing that Jojen has ever seen, however, is Bran. This is a little creepy, but also fantastic, as I need to redirect the Stark love that I’m losing for Robb.
With permission to leave, she starts to shoo the others out the door. Some men return with a very large man with a sack over his head. They pull it off and it is none other than The Hound, who they found passed out drunk. I freak out and so does Arya. She motions the others onward and as she starts to follow, The Hound spots her and asks what they’re doing with “the Stark bitch,” which, you know, RUDE. But also: OMG.
Lor: I instantly felt horrible he was captured. AND THEN HE OUTED ARYA. I WILL SHOVEL YOU, HOUND.
Sweeney: Brienne and Jaime have hit a bit of a troublesome spot. There’s a river to cross and either they risk the current in the water or exposure over the bridge. He taunts. She chooses the bridge. In the middle, he sits down, feigning exhaustion. As she goes to haul him up, he steals her second sword and cuts his leash, though he’s still handcuffed. There’s a pretty long swordfight, in which Jaime says that if she kills him, she’ll fail Lady Cat, but if she doesn’t, he’ll kill her.
Eventually, Brienne appears to win, knocking Jaime to the ground.
Lor: I was really, really looking forward to the two of them fighting, but if you ask me, they are both handicapped. Jaime is still shackled and clearly not at full strength, and Brienne cannot hurt or kill him. I’m still glad she got to knock his arrogant ass around a little, though.
Sweeney: Agreed on all of this. She earned this opportunity.
But the moment is fleeting. Men are approaching. Lead man is Lord Bolton, and the man who saw them in the woods also saw Jaime at a tourney once and correctly IDs him. Bolton isn’t interested in Lannister money, because Robb will have his head if he knows that he let him go. With that, roll credits.
Not particularly antsy for Jaime, partly because you lot have me fairly certain he’s not going to die, but mostly because I don’t care. I am, however, going to spend the next week freaking the fuck out about Arya. THANKS, SHOW.
And finally, a sampling of the awesome #gameofsnark tweets —
Next time on Game of Thrones: Daenerys buys her slave army and we see what Arya’s new “friends” do now that they know her name. Find out in S03 E03 – Walk of Punishment.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
