Previously: Claudia’s grandmother Mimi suffers a stroke and it brings dumb Claudia and lame Janine closer together. We do not recommend getting strokes in order to strengthen your family.
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Nugs: I am SO excited that I finally get to give out a #HOSUSPENSION. So far I think all of you have done one, right?
I mean, I get why Sara and Lor have one in every single book; they do review Sweet Valley Cry where all the sixteen year olds act like they’re stuck in a fucking Lifetime movie. But the BSC girls are thirteen; they shouldn’t even know what a #hosuspension is.
Sweeney: I’m pretty sure I have doled out a few, but that’s because I apply them quite liberally. Sometimes I pretend I’m doing it ironically, but mostly #hosuspension is my favorite thing in the Snark Squad Lexicon.
Lor: +1. I love #hosuspensions hard core. And Nuggy, Sweet Valley is a class all its own. I mean, I had to give out a #hoEXPULSION in the last one. Let the BSC girls keep their innocence!
Nugs: Whatever, I’m just happy not to be left out anymore. I’m so excited! I’m so…scared.
Anyway, Boy-Crazy Stacey bothered me from the second I saw the front cover:
Not only does this Hasselhoff-looking mofo look old enough to be Stacey’s dad, but is that a WAXED CHEST? Also, he tucked his shirt in- I know this is the 80’s, but some people did know how to dress. Just sayin’.
Sweeney: I also love that this is the first time any of the girls has actually looked like a middle schooler in the cover art. It makes for a fantastically pedo-y image, in keeping with one of the favorite themes of the authors we cover.
Lor: Wait. Is the fetus Stacey is holding ALSO flirting with Faux-sselhoff? WTF is going here?!
Nugs: I didn’t even notice that before but you are TOTALLY right. Look at the look on her face. Those are definitely “statutory rape me” eyes. WTF is going on with you, Scholastic? Who is your cover artist? What is wrong with these people?
There’s also a grammatical inaccuracy on the cover- that sentence totally should have ended with a question mark, but did not. How are these people published and the Ladies of Snark are still completely awesome but not rich and/or famous ZOMIGOD?
“Not famous,” of course, unless you count the fact that R.L. Stine is in love with us. HAAAAI.
Sweeney: (and obviously we all count this and point it out to anyone who will listen)
Nugs: At the end of BSC #7, the Pike family had called the Club and asked for two Mothers’ Helpers for the summer to take care of their 37 children at their house on the Jersey Shore. Is it wrong to make a Snookie joke here?
Boy-Crazy Stacey picks up where that book left off, so yay for continuity. Take a hint, Stine.
Sweeney: Continuity is for people with no imagination.
Nugs: Mary Anne and Stacey get the job since everyone else is off doing family-type shit. We also get our first real introduction to Mallory, who as we all (or the two of us who care) know, will later become a junior member of the BSC. She’s eleven years old. There’s something seriously amiss with this.
Sweeney: I think that every single time Mallory is brought up “HOW ARE YOU GOING TO BE A BABYSITTER SOON? YOU ARE A BABY.” Then I remember that the BSC girls kind of are too and babies-watching-babies is a core element to any good BSC book.
Nugs: I guess we’re using the word “good” loosely here. Like when we use the words “appropriate” and “continuity.”
Lor: Or “parenting.” Or “probable.” Or “smart.” Or “entertaining.” Just off the top of my head, y’know
Nugs: The Pike’s beach house is conveniently located right near the lifeguard stand, which of course leads to eye-candy plus. Stacey immediately takes notice of Scott, one of the lifeguards who she assumes is “in love” with her because he makes her run around and do errands for him. Dumbass. You clearly have not experienced real love until R.L. Stine has tweeted you.
Lor: HAVE WE MENTIONED THAT RL TWEETED US? NO? NO?
Nugs: BTW, was anyone else bothered by the fact that Scott gives Stacey his whistle? What is this a metaphor for, exactly?
Sweeney: Our authors like to incorporate not-sex. Because the BSC girls will be permanently thirteen (EW), the Scholastic ghost-writing team has to be a lot more subtle. That being said…I have no fucking clue. We should have a giveaway for this. My ridiculous updated version of “The Truth About Stacey” (you know, the one with the awkwardly inappropriate cupcake cover…) for the best giving-her-his-whistle metaphor. AND GO.
Nugs: OHMIGOD what an amazing idea. Am I eligible for this? Please?
Lor: I take myself out of the running. I’m over here trying to discern what sort of things are happening in the reclining seat of a convertible in SVH and we somehow ended up at “buttsex.” For all of your benefits, I’m staying away from “giving away the whistle.”
But now that I’m thinking “whistle” in terms of sex.. OMG GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Nugs: AHAHAHA buttsex. I mean… wait. No.
Stacey’s ho tendencies materialize pretty rapidly. She puts Sun-In in her hair (and lies about it to her mom!). #Hosuspension 1.
Sweeney: And so it begins. Finally. You were just being nice giving her all of this intro time to pretend she wasn’t the ho-y-est ho in all of Stoneybrook. We are not fooled, Stacey.
Lor: Wait, doesn’t she perm her hair? Is no one else worried about damage? Maybe only I am because I don’t actually read these books, and I just jumped in ’cause I was bored. *cough*
Nugs: She starts strutting around in a bikini that is described by Stacey herself in this fashion:
“It was skimpy (and we’re talking very skimpy) and yellow, with tiny bows at the sides on the bottom part. And if I do say so myself, the top part was filled out pretty nicely.”
#Hosuspension B.
Uh, how nicely could that possibly be, BTW? You’re four.
Sweeney: ahahahahahahaha. It’s very Toddlers & Tiaras, I’m sure:
Nugs: That is the most appropriate picture we’ve ever used in a Childhood Trauma BSC post yet. Again, we use the word “appropriate” loosely here.
This stable relationship goes on for about a week while Stacey leaves Mary Anne to “mother’s help” eight kids all by herself. Mary Anne gets increasingly annoyed (and rightfully so) that Stacey is leaving her to do all the work while she prances around in front of this 18-year-old douchebag. Stacey practically ignores Mary Anne, who STILL goes with her to buy a box of chocolates for Scott, which gets thrown on the ground in a teenage hissy-fit when Stacey sees him with his real girlfriend. HAHAHAHA! #Hosuspension Cat.
Lor: Oh hell no. HELL NO. Did she really throw chocolate on the FLOOR? (Am I focusing on the wrong thing again?)
Nugs: Yes.
Because this is Ann M. Martin’s fictional world, Stacey immediately realizes that she was in the wrong. Instead of blaming the curvy bitch in the shorts and throwing her drink in Scott’s face, she comes to the mature cognizance that she had an unrealistic crush and apologizes to Mary Anne- without attempting to poison anyone. This is clearly not Sweet Valley High. I want my money back.
Sweeney: zzzEnid should move to Stoneybrook – she would either fit in well or be the most exciting person in town. I’m not sure.
Nugs: Maybe both? I swear these crossovers just write themselves. To take Stacey’s mind off her ho-y ways, Mary Anne suggests a double date with the two dude babysitters they met on the beach, Toby and Alex, one of whom wears a powder-blue headband. I know. First Mary Anne wears a bikini, then she goes on a double date? Step back, you little slut. Logan is only two books away! He’s coming for you!
Both girls and their respective dates go through the Tunnel of Love, where Stacey gets her first kiss. Toby tells a joke that’s beyond retarded, and Stacey is “in love again.” Well, at least she’s impulsive.
Sweeney: I call bullshit. Stacey had a millionty boyfriends in the 7th grade. Homegirl had the first kiss already. Nobody believes you, Stacey.
Nugs: #hosuspension DD.
Later the girls return to Stoned-ybrook and anticipate the start of school. Meanwhile, back at the Snark Headquarters, we anticipate Kristy acting like a heinous bitch.
Lor: Nothing else would be “appropriate.”
Next time on The Baby-sitters Club: How will the ghost writing collective make a potential ghost haunting incredibly boring? Find out in BSC #9 – The Ghost at Dawn’s House.
I'm Nugs, the resident In-House Snark Squad Organizational Psychotic, or as Lor, calls it, "Prodigy." I cover the BSC along with Sweeney, Goosebumps, and whatever else I occasionally sneak into. I'm a native New Yorker stuck in LA, so my first language is Brooklynese, with a smattering of colloquial English. I'm a total sci-fi and comic book geek, which the Ladies have fostered by adding to my "impressive" collection of robots and action figures, even though they claim to be afraid of me. Also, if Ryan Gosling ever happens to accidentally stumble upon my posts I will probably be arrested. Oh haaaai.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
