Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 12 – ManipuKISS.

Previously: It was too boring to even recap in a previously.
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Lorraine: Ana is so distraught over what she’s found in the Sexy Times Contract that she decides to, for the first time ever, voluntarily go for a run. I read that contract too, sweet cheeks, and the fact that it’s inspired a “voluntary run” and not a “murderous rampage” is admirable. Good job, you.

Ana goes looking for her “nasty, never-used sneakers.” I’m not sure why they are nasty if she never uses them…? Did she buy them that way? “Yeah, give me the nasty ones in a size 7, please.” This is one of those moments where I wonder if E.L. read back what she wrote, ever.

Once she’s dressed, Ana considers running to the Heathman hotel and demanding sex from Grey to help her better consider if she should be having sex with Grey. Our girl obviously keeps improving in the rational thinking and awesome decision making categories. She poo-poos this idea though because the hotel is five miles away and LOL at running five miles. Not even for sex, is what Ana is saying.

During her less than five mile run, Ana decides she wants Grey but she isn’t sure she wants him on his terms. Especially since her “research”  has told her that the contract is “legally unenforceable.” Welp. At least she’s figured that part out.

Ana hardens her resolve and is determined to tell Grey what parts of the contract are not okay with her. Honey child, I’d start with “all of it,” and work from there.

Ana gets home and takes a moment to totally hate her best friend Kate who has done nothing but shop for an upcoming vacation to Barbados and look good in a bikini. What a bitch.

Ana runs to her room to better sulk and enjoy her crippling low self esteem. She also emails Grey a joking, “okay, I’ve seen enough. It was nice knowing you,” email. She feels pretty self congratulatory for about 5 seconds before she thinks OH SHIT! That might not actually have been a funny email to send. I’ve totally had this OH SHIT email moment. That moment when you wonder why no one has invented a way to super stealth into someone’s inbox and take back your ill-advised email. I’ve never sent this email to a potential dom with heavy psychological problems, though, so there is that.

Some time passes and Grey doesn’t answer back, so Ana decides to  listen to her iPod while making notes on the Sexy Times Contract. She looks up for some reason and finds that Grey is standing in the doorway staring at her. UM. Why the fuck would you just be standing there watching me when I haven’t invited you into my home in the first place? OH, I KNOW. BECAUSE YOU ARE CHRISTIAN THE CREEPIEST EVER GREY.

Ana notes that Grey looks amazing and is wearing his GREY! flannel pants that are doing that “hanging from the hips thing.” Ana makes this observation about Grey’s pants a lot, which makes me think she’s confused about pants in general. Telling us that his pants are “hanging from his hips in that way” is not a good description you fuckweed. EVERYONE’S PANTS HANG FROM THEIR HIPS. I’m pretty sure that if you told us his pants were hanging from his elbow in a really sexy way, that would be news. Can we just assume that his pants are hanging from his hips in some capacity from now on? Kay. Thanks.

Grey says that her email warranted a reply in person. Ana looks around for an escape route as Grey gets comfy. She also decides that her room is decidedly less relaxing now that he is there. Ana, baby doll, these are not okay reactions to have toward someone you spend a lot of time thinking about romantically.

“So, it was nice knowing me,” Grey asks and Ana goes all stupid. She murmurs that she thought he’d reply by email, and starts biting her lip.

“Are you biting your lower lip deliberately?” he asks darkly.

I blink up at him, gasping, freeing my lip.

It’s entirely possible that E.L. James doesn’t actually knowing what “gasping” means. Why the fuck would she blink at him, GASP, and then free her lip? Seriously, girl, did you ever read what you wrote?

Ana murmurs that she didn’t realize she was biting her lip. It’s the Restless Lip Syndrome, Grey. Gosh. Be a little sensitive.

Grey leans over and undoes the pigtails in Ana’s hair and asks her why she decided to do a little exercise. Ana whisper-answers that she needed time to think about him.

“And you decided that it was nice knowing me? Do you mean knowing me in the biblical sense?”

Ana says that she wasn’t aware he knew anything about the Bible and Grey assures her he went to Sunday School. This is a really weird exchange.

“I don’t remember reading about nipple clamps in the Bible. Perhaps you were taught from a modern translation.”

You know, I’m not a spokeswoman for God or anything but I’m 100% sure He wouldn’t find that funny. And if we’re going to talk about the Bible, there are a few things we could liberally apply to FSoG. Stoning, for example. Youth Mauling Bears, naturally. Man I like the Old Testament.

Grey says that he’s come over to remind Ana just how nice it is to know him.

So. To be clear: Ana says something about not wanting to see Grey again, and he comes over prepared to use sex in a manipulative manner. LOL. RIGHT.

Ana falls for it and launches herself at Grey. She’s so amazed that Grey wants her and not Katherine Kavanagh and not one of his 15 previous other subs and not “Mrs. Robinson,” that older lady who RAPED him. All of this makes Ana hot, and yet just typing it makes me wonder if maybe this book has ruined everything for me. For ever.

Grey pulls out the GRAY! super!tie from a couple chapters earlier. He ties Ana’s hands and warns her if she moves too much he’ll tie her feet. And if she makes too much noise, he’ll gag her. He also pulls up her shirt so that it acts as a blindfold. Grey leaves Ana this way while he goes and fetches some wine.

When he comes back, he feeds her mouthfuls of wine and ice. Like, mouth to mouth style. He does this a few times and then spits out a mouthful of wine on Ana’s belly. He whisper-tells her to stay still because if she spills the wine, he’ll punish her. Grey takes ice to Ana’s breasts, meaning that that whole “don’t spill the wine” thing lasts about two sentences. Aaand she spills the wine. Grey murmur-asks what he’ll do with her now.

Apparently the answer is “keep having sex with you.” Grey asks if everything he does is “nice,” mocking the email Ana sent earlier. Ana says that it was a joke and Grey asks if she’s laughing now. Nope, she isn’t. I kind of am. In a really sad, lonely, desperate way.

Ana’s punishment turns out to be Grey bringing her to the brink of orgasm and then leaving her high and dry. He does this until Ana’s begs him to fuck her.

Grey flips Ana over, smacks her, and then plunges into her. Ana comes “again and again,” and LOL. Yeah. Right. Then that’s over. Grey releases Ana from the super!tie. Grey confirms that the email that brought him here was in fact a joke. Ana says yes, it was and that she’s still considering the Sexy Times Contract, but that she has issues. She also asks why Grey doesn’t like to be touched, and Grey super maturely says, “because.”

Grey cracks a joke and Ana says she knew he had a sense of humor. He clarifies that only some things are funny. He really thought she was breaking it off with no discussion, which was not funny. Ana says she isn’t sure what she’s doing. She asks if he’ll collar her. Grey says he doesn’t know. He’s never collared anyone but he was collared by Mrs. Robinson, which he thinks is a hilarious nickname. I prefer Mrs. RAPE, personally, but you know. He says he’ll be sure to share that nickname with her.

Ana is all, SAY WUH? You still talk to her?!

Grey says that yes they still talk, which is creepy. Ana is upset and says that he has someone that he can talk to about the lifestyle and she still can’t talk to anyone about it. Grey graciously offers to introduce Ana to one of his former subs. Ana has a slight are you kidding me? reaction, but not nearly as violent as the situation calls for.

Ana kicks Grey out after he says that he won’t be sleeping over and that he actually won’t be sleeping next to her ever again. Ana is curt and Grey says he’d like to “give her a good hiding.” Ana says that he can’t say shit like that because she hasn’t signed any Sexy Times Contract yet. Grey says a man can dream and murmur-confirms their date for Wednesday.

She walks him to the door and the short walk does it’s best to fill her with shame.  She suddenly wishes Grey were normal and he’d just stay with her. She feels like a “receptacle- an empty vessel to be filled at his whim.” Ummmm, yeah. Basically.

Grey can tell something is wrong with Ana so he manipulatively kisses her- a phenomenon I’m now dubbing the manipukiss. This works like a charm and Ana is thinking less about how weird Grey is and more about how hot he is. He whisper-asks Ana what she’s doing to him and Ana whisper-returns his question. He leaves and Ana immediately feels depressed and lonely. She runs back to her room and starts crying.

Katherine Kavanaugh whisper-calls to Ana and asks why she’s crying. Ana explains vaguely, about how she thinks this relationship will go nowhere. Ana says that Grey uses sex as a weapon and Katherine surmises that he “fuck[s] you into submission.” Word.

Ana murmurs that it’s all overwhelming. They talk a little and Kate also says that Ana’s step-dad called. Her mother won’t be able to make it to her graduation, but he’ll be there as scheduled. The girls say goodnight and Ana goes over the Sexy Times Contract again. She writes an email to Grey enumerating her problems which include but are not limited to: the “obey at all times” clause, the three month trial period (she wants one), the part where she has to commit every weekend to him, the whole punishment aspect of it, not being able to look in his eyes, and the food list. She wants to go through the soft limits list together.

Grey writes back wondering what she’s doing still up and Ana is all, “uh? Living?” Maybe that was less Ana and more me.  Grey email-yells at her to go to sleep and Ana is all, “oh! Shouty capitals.” and I’m really sad. Shouty capitals is a good term. Too good for Ana Steele and Fifty Shades of Grey.

BOO.

Murmur Count -7
Whisper Count – 8

 

Next time of Fifty Shades of Grey: Meet more people in Ana’s head. It’s getting crowded up in there, y’all. Also, Grey and Ana discuss her issues with the Sexy Times Contract, all in Chapter 13.