Pretty Little Liars S01 E05 – True Love Waits Until After High School

Previously: Emily kind of dumped Maya, Spencer kind of dumped Wren, Aria kind of dumped Ezra (for like a minute), and Hanna got kind of dumped by her dad.
—Reality Bites Me

Sara: The PLLs are all at Spencer’s house, where parents don’t exist, talking about the note A sent to Aria’s mother. I would much rather have seen A send a note about Aria dry humping her teacher. Does A have a request line?

Lorraine: Or perhaps she’s hiring? CALL ME A! I have references!

Sweeney: Pages and pages of your qualifications for the job, in fact. She need only visit this blog for proof of all the training you’ve received.

Sara: The PLLs assure Aria that this isn’t her fault on account of how she wasn’t actually the one who boned someone who wasn’t Piper from Charmed. Hanna balks at the fact that Aria’s dad cheated with a woman named Meredith.

Hanna: Her name’s Meredith? Ew. That’s not even a cute girl name. I’m seeing big pores and mousy roots.

Hanna is the friend you want by your side when your ex-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend who is hotter than you.

Sweeney: I was back and forth between Spencer and Hanna, but these are the moments where Hanna really wins my heart and takes the lead.

Sara: The girls head upstairs to clean off the Mirror of Doom when Hanna gets a text. The PLLs get freaked, because apparently they took that magical phone block off. The text has an attachment that loads really fast, because IT’S A PHONE BY VERIZON AND VERIZON IS THE BEST. (L: Call us Verizon! Look how good we are at product placement!)  The video attached was taken when the girls first found the writing on the mirror, and whoever shot it was standing in the closet. The closet that was right the fuck in front of them. These girls are really going to need to work on their detecting the shit out of things skillz if they plan on finding out who A is.

They check out the closet situation and all they find is a tube of Jungle Red lipstick. Aria swipes the lipstick on her hand and holds it up to the mirror. Same color. But really, if they knew the exact name of the lipstick Ali used, couldn’t they have just looked at the bottom of the lipstick tube to verify?

Lor: YEP. They could’ve read it with Big Eyes and in unison, too. Missed opportunity.

Sweeney: See, A — these are the kinds of television-worthy skillz you could have at your disposal.

Sara: Secrets. Big huge eyes. SHH.

Aria is putting on makeup before school when her brother walks in. “How do you do that without poking your eye out?” Now that is a very good question considering Aria’s eyes take up approximately 82% of her face. Mike changes the subject to ask if Aria has noticed their parents acting strange. She non-answers and fake smiles and subject changed.

Sweeney: I was going to say that her scenes with her brother are extra-annoying because she’s so incredibly condescending, as part of her belief that her spirit animal is 32 which is basically the same thing as her being 32, but then I remembered that this is actually all of the moments and I really can’t choose which particular strain of obnoxious annoys me the most.

Sara: Downstairs, Aria’s dad is trying to convince Piper that they should go to counseling, since they haven’t really discussed the whole cheatery cheater situation. Dude, Piper JUST found out about this shit a couple of days ago. STFU and go away.

Lor: It would definitely be many days, tubs of ice cream and TV binge watching before I could talk about shit. You take all the time you need, Piper.

Sara: When Aria shows up in the middle of their heated conversation, Aria’s dad makes a quick exit because he’s a wuss. Aria tells Piper that she should really tell Mike soon, because Aria doesn’t want to have to keep a secret for an entire year again. Piper is all, “A whole year? WTF.” Apparently Byron forgot to mention that he asked Aria to keep his cheatery secret for an entire year. Aria offers to skip first period so they can talk, but Piper tells her that it’s her own mess to figure out. AW. Guys, I think we just saw a mother / daughter relationship that was kind of not totally neglectful and/or traumatic. Snaps for you, ladies!

Sweeney: Snaps for Piper. I’m still not ready to give Aria any snaps.

Sara: Hanna runs into Sean, and he picks on her for having to wear an ugly uniform to her new I-have-to-pay-for-the-damages-to-my-boyfriend’s-car-because-of-my-low-self-esteem-problem job. She jokes back that hideous looks good on her. Sean tries to be sweet about the wrecked car situation, but Hanna is the best and takes full responsibility. She responds that maybe working at Sean’s parents’ dental office will help her with her fear: Children. Yep, Hanna’s my favorite.

Lor: I think I’m still reeling from the demonic pregnancy on Angel when I say: YEP.

Sweeney: She’s clearly gunning for the title of Snark Lady mascot.

Sara: She tries to ask Sean about going to Homecoming together, but he non-answers, which is basically enough of an answer. Some blonde girl who probably has mousy hair and big pores pulls up in her convertible, and of course, it’s Sean’s ride. Hanna looks upset, and I feel so sad for her because of how she just became my favorite.

The girls are at school discussing the possibility of Blind!Jenna acquiring some sort of Stalker GPS for the Visually Impaired when Spencer’s teacher walks by and congratulates her on winning the essay contest.

Lor: Dude. Didn’t he submit her for that contest, like, yesterday? That was one hell of an essay.

Sara: The girls are all happy for Spence, but she tries to blow it off because of that whole stolen paper thing. This is why you should cheat off of the B student and not the A+ student, folks. (L: Snark Squad advice saves lives!)

Emily and Toby are working on an experiment in science class and Em finds a way to discreetly ask him what he did the night before (when someone was filming them in Spencer’s house). He says he was studying at The Grill, because Blind!Jenna listens to her lectures loudly at home. Emily tells Toby that she was spending the night at a friend’s house the night before, and he asks if she’s talking about Maya. Emily gets a little defensive, but Toby just says he figured Maya was the newest member of the Pretty Little Liars.

Lor: Toby asks if Maya’s learned the secret handshake yet, and I promise you that is a euphemism.

Sara: Aria stops by EzraFitz’s classroom after school to get her flirt on. Ezra says he’d like to hang out, but he has a thing he has to do that night. Aria gets all jealousgirlfriendy and narrow eyes the truth out of him.

He’s going to be reading a story he wrote at some local place. Aria asks if she can go, and EzraFitz, Child Predator, says of course.

Lor: For the record, this is the best thing I’ve ever seen.

Sara: Over at Hanna’s hospital job, Blind!Jenna gets in the elevator that Hanna happens to be on. Jenna is putting on lipstick, and Hanna creeps up behind her to see what shade the lipstick is. Blind!Jenna snaps the lipstick tube closed and says loudly, “Do you like the color?” which makes Hanna jump back dramatically. I guess Hanna thought that when Jenna lost her sense of vision, she also lost every other sense, too?

Lor: Like the sense of someone is THIS FUCKING CLOSE to your face.

Sara: Blind!Jenna click clacks off with her seeing eye cane, and she is pretty awesome.

Spencer comes home to find her dad, sucking up to her with chocolate, which I would scoff at, but no. Chocolate is the best reward of ever. In fact, I plan on rewarding myself with Rocky Road ice cream right after finishing this post.

Spencer assumes the chocolate is a I’m-sorry-I-thought-you-were-a-whore gift, but her dad is like, um no. I still think you’re a whore, but at least you’re a smart whore.

Sweeney: Spencer’s parents are competing with Hanna’s dad for that naming rights on that new Aggressively Awful Parenting Award. It’s getting to be a tight race, though I think, “I found a carbon copy replacement family to rub your troubled nose in,” still has the edge. Judges?

Sara: I’m gonna give Spencer’s dad a 7 out of 10 for bad parenting (the gift of chocolate really helped his score) and Hanna’s dad deserves a gold fucking star and a 10 out of 10. Good thing Hanna has her mom with the magical problem solving vagina!

Spencer’s dad says he has to read her essay, and she tries to be all, “Oh! No, no, it’s definitely not my best work,” which is kind of a shitty excuse since it just won a contest and all. Her dad insists that she leave the essay on his desk, and as he walks away, Spencer has this great OHSHIT look on her face.

Hanna is creeping around after Blind!Jenna some more at the hospital. She watches her come out of a room, and when Hanna goes to see what’s in the room, there’s nothing. So I guess Jenna was just sitting in an empty room by herself at the hospital. Cool.

Lor: Waiting for Pretty Little Liars to appear so she could chase after them and put lipstick on very noticeably. Awesome plan, Jenna!

Sara: Emily and Toby are working on a science project after school and being friendlyflirty. They talk about a shared love for Circa Survive and Toby says he’s going to make Em a CD which is the ultimate I Like You, Do You Like Me Back of high school. They agree to meet at The Grill (the only restaurant in all of Rosewood) later that night.

We cut over to the local coffeeshop/bar where we get to hear the last two lines of EzraFitz’s reading. I know it’s only two lines, but I still hated it. (L: LOL.) Aria is clapping and whooping and a guy sitting near her agrees that Ezra didn’t suck.

He introduces himself, and it turns out he’s EzraFitz’s old college roommate. Except instead of saying, “We roomed together in college,” he says, “We used to sleep together,” which is weird.

EzraFitz comes up, looking a little panicky about the fact that his grown adult guy friend and his newborn infant girlfriend are talking. Ezra asks how College Roommate knew about the reading, and apparently it was from the web site. I’m really, really hoping that he’s talking about EzraFitz’s website and not the coffeeshop/bar website.

Lor: He totally means Ezrafitz’s website. Any guy that goes around saying, “we used to sleep together” has that shit stored in his favorites.

Sara: Spencer is at the tennis court, practicing her serve, when a cute boy with curly hair comments on how angry she seems. She tells him that she’s practicing for a friendly game against a business client of her father’s. He tells her that her serve doesn’t seem very friendly, and she needs to work on her return, too, but Spencer just scoffs like, “Spencer. MF. Hastings. Bro.” She’s so awesome.

Coffeeshop/bar/child molestation station. College Roommate is telling a wildly inappropriate story about this one time he hooked up with some girl in college and HELLO. There is a 16 year old, sitting at a bar with two grown men who are drinking and telling stories about hook ups in college.

NO. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

Sweeney: GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL. Sorry, I had to finish it. Except, in Rosewood acquiring a Pedobear Card seems to work in exactly the opposite fashion.

Sara: College Roommate mentions that Ezra laughs in his sleep, and when Aria responds with a flirty, “That’s cute,” Ezra gives her the IXNAY ON THE ILDCHAY OLESTATIONMAY eyes. When Aria walks off to get a drink (water because of how she is still a child), College Roommate tells Ezra he’s going to be in a shitload of trouble if he doesn’t watch it. Ezra tries to tell him it isn’t what it looks like, but obviously it is. The most annoying part is that through the whole conversation of College Roommate telling Ezra this isn’t okay, it’s never because of the fact that she’s 16. The only reason they seem to have for it not being cool is that she’s his student. Which, yes. But also: 16.

Lor: It makes his inappropriate sex stories EVEN BETTER because apparently the whole time he was thinking about how inappropriate it is for Ezra to be seeing her? OKAY.

Sara: Aria joins them again, and when College Roommate isn’t looking, she rubs Ezra’s shoulder and leans in to him. He brushes her off because he’s freaked, and maybe he should have thought of this before.

Hanna is at home Facebook stalking the mousy haired big pored convertible girl who was driving Sean around earlier that day. She tells her mom about Amber (convertible girl), and Ashley Marin tells her not to get too worried about it and just eat dinner. “Why are you trying to make me eat when my boyfriend left me for someone who’s 11 pounds?”

Hanna changes the subject and tells Ashley about her dad getting married to Isabelle. Ashley gets a little upset by this news and leaves, right as Hanna is getting an anonymous IM.

 

Spencer and Hanna are at The Grill discussing clues like good little Nancy Drews. Hanna mentions the lipstick Jenna was wearing was the exact same lipstick Ali used to wear. I guess it’s unheard of for two girls to wear the same color lipstick. Although to be fair, their complexions are completely different, so maybe the PLLs have a point.

Lor: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Lipstick Shade, y’all.

Sara:

 Coming soon to a theater near you!

Emily walks in to meet Toby, but the girls call her over before she has a chance to say hi to him. She ignores Toby and sits with the girls, and Toby gets the saddest little puppy dog face. If that puppy dog had a really, really strange face.

EzraFitz is arriving home from the bar, and Aria is coming inside too and omg these two are so dumb. She jokingly asks if all college guys are like the ones in that bar, and Ezra sarcastically says maybe she’ll find out when she goes to college. Aria gets her angry, entitled face on and says he needs to drop it.

Ezra’s teeny tiny bit of conscience finally speaks up a little and says that maybe what they’re doing isn’t right. Aria counters that by asking if it feels good. Because apparently, if it feels good, it must be right. My thought is, if you really loved each other that much, couldn’t you wait two years to be together? No? Because you’re incredibly childish? Right. This argument ends with the two of them making out with each other’s faces, so the usual.

Right as Spencer is leaving Hanna and Emily at The Grill, the waitress brings Emily the CD Toby made for her. Since Hanna saw the picture of Emily and Maya kissing, she immediately assumes that Maya gave Em the CD and they’re trying to keep it quiet. Hanna tries to be a good friend and let Emily know that she can talk to her about anything, but Emily isn’t catching on.

Sweeney: Hanna is without a doubt the best friend in this group. She’s the only one who is consistently aware that other people have problems. Or, in contrast with Aria, that other people, you know, exist.

Sara: If Hanna and Spencer combined and became one, they would be the ultimate badass best friend ever.

We flip back to Aria and Ezra and ugh, they’re still kissing. Jesus, these two. Aria goes to leave, and Ezra kisses her some more in the hallway, and they are really making A’s job easy at this point.

Hanna is in a very unflattering outfit, searching the empty room Blind!Jenna came out of. Turns out, there’s another door in the room that leads to a therapist’s office.

Lor: This is a weird office set-up is all I’m saying.

Sara: Aria’s parents are fighting at home, and now Mike knows what’s going on, too. Piper is upset because she has to see the cheatery cheater woman around town, and Aria’s dad still works with her. Not to mention that he made their daughter keep it a secret for so long. What a douche.

At Spencer’s tennis game, her dad tells her she needs to lose on purpose so that his business deal will work out. She isn’t very happy about this, because she spent five hours practicing the day before. After the match, the cute boy from before calls her out on not trying. They get their flirt on, and she asks if he wants to hang out outside of the club sometime, and he agrees. He really is super adorable.

Lor: I like that she goes, “wanna hang out sometime?” and he says, “yes,” and that’s it. There is absolutely no follow-up, just yes.

Sara: To be fair, I think that’s the only response you can give to Spencer Hastings, because of the threat of how she would destroy you if you said no.

Aria shows up at EzraFitz’s house, looking for her phone that she left the night before. Yeah. Right. Like a 16 year old could walk five feet without checking her cell phone. Ezra is acting all twitchy and gives her the phone. He says he was working, and it kept beeping so he looked at it. He asks who A is, and Aria sees the message.

Aria tries to explain that she doesn’t know who A is, but Ezra says that if A knows, probably B, C, and D know, too. LOL. He kicks Aria out, and it’s awkward and these two have already broken up two times now, right?

Sweeney: LIKE CHILDREN. Because clearly Ezrafitz is a fucking child too. Except for the part where he’s technically an adult and also Aria’s teacher. Details.

Sara: Hanna is creeping around some more in the hospital when she runs into Sean. She asks if he’s breaking up with her to be with that Amber bitch, but he says he’s just friends with Amber because they’re both in a True Love Waits kind of club. Hanna asks if she can go with him to the next meeting, and it’s nice that she’s trying.

Lor: Hey, maybe there is a True Love Waits Until After High School chapter we can point Ezra in the direction of.

Sweeney: A+ times infinity.

Sara: Spencer is doing homework at home when her dad comes in and congratulates her on a good game. She gets snarky about how she couldn’t even try, but her dad explains that winning the client is what’s most important. Apparently right after the game, the client thought they would be having lunch, but Spencer’s dad forgot to schedule it. He lied to the manager that the cute boy from the club was the one who forgot to schedule it. When Spencer asks what will happen to her not-yet-boyfriend, her dad says he doesn’t give a fuck. Rude.

Spencer takes this time to go ahead and tell her dad to go eff himself, because she stole the stupid paper that won the award anyways. Since winning is all that matters to him, though, she doesn’t think he’ll care much about the cheating part. BOOM. I adore that Spencer doesn’t even give A the opportunity to hold a secret over on her. She takes control of her shit.

Sweeney: She’s such a boss. The BAMF of the group. I still haven’t figured out what Aria and Emily bring to the table.

Sara: Emily meets Toby at The Grill and apologizes for ignoring him the day before. Also, she made him a mix CD which means she checked I Like You Back.

Spencer meets up with Cute Boy from the club, and they get ready to go out on a date.

Aria eats dinner in her room with Mike, and they both seem pretty convinced that their parents are not going to stay together.

Well, two out of four Pretty Little Liars ended on a good note, so that’s okay, I guess.

 

Next time on Pretty Little Liars: We get to dust off our “another effin’ dance tag” and gush over pretty dresses. Naturally, though, this dance is going to get a little murdery. Find out how on S01 E06 – Homecoming.