Previously: Tywin sassed the douche king Joffrey, Daenerys resolved to DRAGONBOSS another slave city, and also The Hound took Arya AND SNARK LADIES GOT READY TO STORM WESTEROS…with…uh…wine.
—
Second Sons
Sweeney: The lying liar title credits give us King’s Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfellstillonfire, The Wall, and Yunkai.
We start with our favorite direboss waking up and deciding to smash a sleeping Hound’s head in with a large stone. He tells her that if she fails to kill him, he’ll break both of her hands. Later, they’re riding on a horse, and he’s trying to insist that men far worse than him would have found her. When he mentions that he’s saved her sister, Arya’s interest piques, as does my feels, with this additional mention of how long the Starks have been separated and HOW THEY’LL NEVER HAVE A COMPLETE REUNION. But! The Hound has decided to facilitate that because Robb and Cat will probs pay him for her safe return.
All right, Hound, I will go back to my skeptical appreciation of you. I will also call back the troops and not come at you with our wine. And you can let us keep our blogging hands. I guess this means Arya might have to stop chanting his name in her nightly murder prayers?
Lorraine: In an episode that explores the lesser of many evils, I guess being kidnapped by a guy planning on selling you back to your family definitely qualifies as good enough for murder prayer removal. Arya smiles a little too at the end of the scene, which is nice to see, but probably also mean this will not work out well for her. Sorry, girl.
Sweeney: Across the Shivering Sea, Dany, Ser Friendzoned [Ser Jorah Mormont, Speaker of English The Common Tongue], and Ser Barristan are spying on Yunkai. Ser Friendzoned wins our gold star when explaining to Daenerys that these Pro-Yunkai dudes they are observing are called “The Second Sons.” Still friendzoned, but four for you Glen Coco!
Anyway, these dudes, including a man called Titan’s Bastard, are all really dangerous — enough to make a difference. Dany thinks that they’d rather collect wages from the side that’s going to win. She knows he’ll meet with her because, “a man who fights for gold can’t afford to lose to a girl.” She’s such a badass.
Lor: Also, she once locked people up in a vault for forever because they pissed me off. Just saying, Smarmy McDouche.
Sweeney: Captain Smarmy continues to make nasty comments and Greyworm offers to rip out his tongue. Only one guy with long hair keeps from making pervy comments, and instead makes, “I want to be respectfully and consensually inside you,” eyes at her. (L: A+) She sends them off with wine and after they go, she tells Ser Barristan that if it comes to battle, Captain Smarmy needs to be the first to go.
Creepy Red [Melisandre] is arriving at Dragonstone with Gendry AND OH MY GOD LET HIM GO. Stannis grabs Gendry’s face for inspection and he’s sent off to chambers. Stannis wants to know why they’re taking care of Gendry and Creepy Red explains with a lamb slaughtering metaphor and OH MY GOD STOP IT DON’T YOU DARE.
Down in the dungeons, Onion Knight, and original Shifty Eyes, is attempting to read a picture book about dragons and it’s precious if you don’t remember that this excellent man is in dungeons. Stannis comes down to feel guilty and offer the overdue apology for his lost son. Also to mention that the evil bitch lady who got him locked up has returned, and mention the impending Gendry murder. COOL.
Lor: Sorry your son died. Also, I’m about to kill some other kid, how do you feel about that? <– Worst condolences ever.
Sweeney: Stannis is really bad at condolences.
Onion Knight rightly points out that this is wrong because Gendry hasn’t done anything wrong. (Except maybe all the shirt-wearing he does.) (L: PUNISHABLE BY… sudden shirt removal.) (YUP.) Anyway, Stannis gets to the point and says that he’ll free Onion Knight if he promises not to try to murder Creepy Red again. Onion Knight is willing to do that, but not keep his mouth shut about calling a creepy spade a creepy spade. He also adds that the only reason Stannis chose that moment to come to him was that he knew Onion Knight would speak against Gendry’s murder. Stannis blah blahs about how legit the Lord of Light is.
Lor: What strikes me is that Stannis doesn’t even seem to be operating out of desire to be king, but rather a true belief that if he isn’t king some legit darkness is gonna swallow the kingdom. I think we’re gonna have to start calling him Creepy Stannis.
Sweeney: I approve of that name, although, I still get a very power grabby vibe from Stannis. I think it’s a creepy level of desperation for power, but I wouldn’t count that drive out just yet.
Down in the camp of Smarmy Pro-Yunkai Second Sons, they continue to chat about Dany’s vag and how they’re going to win. Naturally there are random half-naked prostitutes lounging around during this. Respectful Bro points out that her 8,000 Unsullied ain’t nothin’ to fuck with. Respectful Bro talks about how he only likes to fuck women who actually want to be fucked (sorry, what? We don’t snark that kind of material around here) and killing men who want to kill him.
The guy with the prostitute sends her around for a modified version of drawing the short straw to do some shady middle of the night business to Daenerys. Naturally, Respectful Guy gets the task, which will probably work out well for Dany.
Lor: It’s the worst game of short straw ever and clearly rigged, on account of the losing coin being shaped different than the other two. Smarmy dudes are smarmy.
Sweeney: So true. I wonder how that cheatery decision will work out for them…
In King’s Landing, Sansa is being gussied up for her wedding day by Shae.
Lor: At first I didn’t realize this was her wedding day and only first noticed her King’s Landing style hair. Count on the Snark Ladies to always notice the hair.
Sweeney: The hair reveals all!
Tyrion arrives to make it nice and awkward. He sends everyone away so he can talk to her privately and what follows gives me happy feels for Sansa and only adds to the long list of reasons Tyrion is amazing. He tells her to stop speaking to him like a prisoner because after this, she’ll no longer be one — she’ll be his wife. He then realizes that it might make her a different kind of prisoner. He stumbles over his words adorably, but promises that he won’t ever hurt her. It’s pretty clear that this is the best thing that has happened to Sansa in all three seasons. (Lor: Lesser of evils!) He asks her if she drinks wine. “Only when I have to,” she answers. “Today you have to,” says Tyrion. Sansa actually smiles, and I’m hopeful that she realizes that however unwelcome this is, she gets that it will be a positive thing for her.
Sweeney: A+ because that is so true.
At the ceremony, Margaery is attempting to work her magic on Cersei, calling her radiant, and I immediately start giggling because attempting to charm Cersei is nothing short of laughable. Cersei plays along for a hot minute, before getting real in her special way, talking about how they came to acquire Casterly Rock from a second-wealthiest-family (as the Tyrell’s are now) who were climbers. When the climbers weren’t content to settle at second, they rebelled. Margaery awkwards that yeah, that family is gone now. “Gone. Such a soft word. Why not say slaughtered?” asks Cersei. There is so much HBIC in this scene, but Margaery wasn’t quite ready for Cersei. After elaborating on the slaughter, Cersei tells Margaery that if she ever calls her sister again, she’ll have her strangled in her sleep. This is why Cersei is my favorite villain on television. I can’t help but lovehate her. To Margaery’s credit, though, she gives some excellent murder eyes at Cersei as she walks away.
Lor: I hope Margaery ran off and told Grandma Flowerboss IMMEDIATELY.
Also, Cersei has the upper hand here, but this was very dumbly played. She certainly lacks the subtlety of the other Lannisters. You tell the “and then we killed them all!!” story and walk away with a menacing look. YOU DON’T ACTUALLY MENACE. I think Tyrion had it dead on when he said Cersei isn’t as clever as she thinks she is. She isn’t as clever as a Margaery, or even as a Dany in the scene with Captain Smarmy, where she let him talk all his vagina hating talk. But my, is Cersei fierce.
Sweeney: I agree entirely. My lovehatred of Cersie is principally from her fierceness. She is fairly cunning, but she’s definitely more fierce than clever. Margaery is absolutely the wiser player in this scene.
It’s wedding time and Sansa really does look beautiful, even though she’s still all feelsy over this forced marriage. Just to be absolutely certain Sansa gets wedding day trauma, Joffrey walks up and reminds her of that time he beheaded her father and adds that because he is “father of the realm” it’s his duty to give her away. This is so sick and tragic and UGH, I don’t get how people don’t have Sansa Feels. I know she’s in a different category than, say, Cersei or Margaery, but as Lor has said a few times, there are many kinds of strength.
Lor: Word. I would be ugly crying my way down the aisle.
Sweeney: +1. The ugliest of cries.
When they reach Tyrion, Joffrey grabs the little step stool that was left there for him and walks off with it because he can’t resist the opportunity to further fuck up this wedding. Joffrey, on the other hand, I simply hatehate. That’s far less complicated for me. Sansa has to kneel in order to be cloaked by Tyrion. I like that this is referred to as putting her under his protection. I’m sure it’s just supposed to be a Westeros custom or whatever, but it’s extra appropriate here.
Lor: I wonder at her not kneeling immediately. She must’ve seen Joffrey take the stool away and she knows he’s shorter than she is. Silent rebellion or homegirl really being that clueless?
Sweeney: I thought the same thing and I’m torn. I’m thinking it was more about her being in a general daze. Of your two options, clueless is my choice, but primarily because she’s probably only half present in this scene.
Gendry’s chambers remind me a bit of the Master’s Yankee Candle Lair, but like, nicer. Creepy Red comes in to light more things, and chat about their mutual experiences of being poor kids. She gives him wine which he is suspicious of, but she drinks it and so he trusts it. WHICH HE SHOULDN’T. (L: Immune to poison, remember?) Then she gets all metaphorical and adds that it doesn’t matter where it’s from because it’s either the real thing or it’s not. LIKE THE BLOOD OF KINGS.
Gendry continues to be rightly suspicious, and Creepy Red starts undressing him. While the audience thanks you for shirtless Gendry, but his discomfort makes this uncomfortable. Then Creepy Red uses her naked body to try to convert him to The Lord of Light. It goes something like, “All the gods that don’t what you inside me probably suck.” She’s still creepy, but that would be a compelling argument for conversion. Then they’re having sex and after last week, and my knowledge of this bitch, I’m certain it’s going to go to a Theon place.
SURE ENOUGH! She ties Gendry to the bed AND THEN PUTS LEECHES ALL OVER HIM. INCLUDING HIS DICK. WHY WHY WHY? (Sidebar: leeches always make me think of Stand By Me.)
Lor: That’s what we fangirls get. “Please show Gendry shirtless!” we say. “SURE!” HBO says. “Here he is being torturesexed.”
Sweeney: They are the worst. You have such a huge boobie budget! Was it so much to ask that the rest of us get a little non-traumatic shirtless Gendry? Yes, apparently.
Then Davos Onion Knight and Stannis enter, and Creepy Red tries to blame this on Onion Knight, which, rude. Lies. Creepy Red removes the leeches and Stannis tosses them into the fire pit thing that Red just lit, reciting the names of the three “usurpers”: Stark, Greyjoy, and “Baratheon.”
Lor: Ye…yeaaaah. Given what we know about Creepy Red’s success with creepy killing methods, I’m gonna say this does not bode well for Robb Stark’s life expectancy. On the bright side, yay Joffrey death?
Sweeney: It’s a good thing we’ve been mentally bracing ourselves for Robb’s death for a while now. I’m still going to be super upset. Although, NGL, I think I’m all right with sacrificing Robb’s head to get Joffrey’s too. It seems like a worthwhile trade. Also like that’s going to really shake up the game of thrones.
Back at the wedding reception, Tyrion is getting way drunk. Grandma Flowerboss is hilariously tormenting her grandkids with an explanation of the legit ridic familial ties that are being created by the series of weddings (Sansa/Tyrion, Margaery/Joffrey, Loras/Cersei) leaving everyone related to one another in multiple ways. Margaery just looks annoyed, but Loras storms off.
Sansa, who is apparently not drunk, excuses herself, probably to go get some fresh air and process the fuckery that has been her day. Joffrey gets excited and goes after her. Cersei tries to encourage him to talk to Margaery instead, seeing that she’s sitting alone. I’m confused by what game Cersei is even playing at here, with that. Joffrey ignores her, as usual, though, so she needs to go outside for solitary air too.
Tyrion is looking at Sansa as she chats with Varys. Tywin comes over to remind us how much we all hate him, and give Tyrion shit for drinking, which might impede his ability to immediately to work on fathering a child. The exchange is at about the usual standard for Tywin. We often discuss negligent parenting around here, but I think Tywin might get some sort of award for Aggressively Awful Involved Parenting. Or, you know, emotionally abusing one’s adult child.
Tywin leaves and Tyrion offers a mimed toast to Loras, up above the room. He then spots Cersei looking out at the sea and walks over to her. I really like all these transitions in this series of scenes. I wasn’t even sure if I should call it one scene or several because of how lovely we transition from one moment to the next. Loras tries to make small talk with Cersei, who is not having it, what with him interrupting her brooding reverie. She walks off on another Tyrell.
Lor: Loras actually gets the worse of his two evils. Marrying Cersei probably sounds nightmareish for him currently.
Sweeney: Agreed. I felt really bad for him here.
Sansa finally makes her way out of the room to be accosted by Joffrey who tells her that it doesn’t really matter which Lannister puts the baby in her and he can visit her chamber that evening after Tyrion passes out. Since she probably wouldn’t like that, he can have men hold her down. THIS. FUCKING. KID. Although he’s exponentially better written (not a hard accomplishment, to be sure) Joffrey is actually far worse than Christian Grey. I didn’t know that could be a thing, but it is. Also, this, how he just delivered that creepy fucking line about raping her, is how I hear every single Christian Grey line in my head, which adds to me lack of comprehension about the alleged sex appeal, but I am seriously digressing now.
Lor: This whole wedding was such a good reminder of why Joffrey is the worst: he displays gross, adolescent douchey-ness by taking away Tyrion’s stool and then he displays legit psychotic behavior with all this rape-threatening. Yick.
Sweeney: YES. He possesses all possible terrible person traits.
While I was off on that tangent, shit was starting to get all sorts of real: Joffrey grabs Sansa and starts shouting to the room about starting a bedding ceremony. He’s excited and Sansa’s terrified. Tyrion says, quietly at first, “There will be no bedding ceremony.” He repeats this a couple more times, a little louder each time, eventually shouting, to shut Joffrey up. When Joffrey insists that there will be one because he says so, Tyrion stabs a knife into the table and says, “Then you’ll be fucking your wife with a wooden cock.” AWESOME.
Joffrey gets murder face, reminding us of the potentially less awesome consequences of telling off this little asshat. Tywin steps in and says that they can probs skip that ceremony and adds that Tyrion is drunk and never meant to threaten the king. Tyrion takes a deep breath and than rallies for the Oscar. I mean, it helps that he is actually super drunk, but he plays it up, and makes self-deprecating comments about being jealous of Joffrey’s manhood (EW) and stumbles about as he escorts Sansa from the room, loudly proclaiming that he once vomited on a girl during the act. Well played, Tyrion.
Inside their chambers, Tyrion pours himself some more wine and Sansa asks if that’s wise. Tyrion says that nothing was ever wiser and then asks her how old she is, and broods about her being 14. When he notes that his father has commanded him to consummate the marriage, Sansa pours herself some wine, chugs it, and walks to the bed and undresses. There’s some very feelingsy music playing in the background, probably borrowed from Buffy.
Before she gets all the way undressed, Tyrion stops her. He could and he would, but he has no plans to share her bed until she wants him to. Sansa asks what if she never wants him to which, uh, OUCH. Tyrion, doesn’t directly answer the question, but he drinks some wine and toasts to the beginning of his watch, as her protector, before passing out on a chair.
This whole scene is great in an episode that seems to be a really intense rape conversation. In spite of the Gendry scene, it’s a welcome departure from the last episode. I suppose even the Gendry scene is part of that, because it was so. fucking. creepy. This episode is very clearly saying, “Consensual sex is good. People who prefer consensual sex are good. People who like rape are bad.” Yes, show. This is all true.
Lor: There is no way that this show could’ve made sex in this scene okay. However, isn’t it a credit to the writing and the actors that when Sansa is all, “yeah, never with the sex,” you feel for Tyrion? Right? I mean, maybe. SO COMPLICATED.
Sweeney: Agreed. I think I mostly felt for Tyrion because of how he responded, and it also speaks to the fact that Sansa already trusts him a bit to ask that question outright. That could have gone a few directions, but yes to all of what you said. Lor and I had a Twitter conversation about our confused feelings about Sansa/Tyrion.
Speaking of our other pro-consensual sex friend, we see an Unsullied who we can assume is Respectful Bro, marching through Dany’s camp at night. She’s taking a bath and chatting with the translator girl, Missandei. Anyway, Daenerys is super impressed with Missandei speaking 19 languages and SO ARE WE. Missandei adds that Dany’s only speaks Dothraki “reasonably well,” and Dany gets a little touchy. It’s a fun little scene where Missandei is anxious about correcting her, but she does and although Daenerys is unused to being taken down a few pegs by someone who is actually right (that is, she takes a lot of shit from dudes who are ultimately wrong about her) she laughs it off pretty well.
Unfortunately, it ends with Respectful Bro being a little less respectful in holding a knife to Missandei’s throat. But then! After a little banter, Dany asks why, since he was clearly sent to kill her, he hasn’t done it yet. He doesn’t want to. When she asks what his captains will think of that, he empties a bag containing their heads. Following the scene where we last saw them, they ordered him to kill her and he wasn’t having it, so he killed them. Logical sequence of events. He did it because he valued her beauty more than they do and wasn’t a big fan of being told that he had no choice.
She gets out of the tub and it’s all very slow, mostly so that the audience gets a lot of Emilia Clarke boobs. Dany makes him swear to her that he’ll fight for him. He kneels, promising that not only are he and the Second Sons his, so is his heart. He’s very pretty, but also, calm down, friend. You just met her this morning and you’re offering her heads? I’m not sure what to make of this or what it says about me that I actually fully approve of it.
Lor: While I think that Fabio Respectful Bro Daarios is definitely impressed with Dany’s assets, he also sees her as the lesser of evils. I mean, if you are gonna fight, might as well fight for the girl with 8,000 soldiers and three dragons. And a nice rack. Approved.
Sweeney: Exactly! Also, I forgot to mention that in his story, he points out that the now headless men pulled their swords on him, which means he kept to his (probably loose) code of killing men who want to kill him.
In King’s Landing, Sansa and Tyrion are being awoken by the arrival of Shae, with their breakfast. She smiles to herself when she pulls back the sheets and confirms by the lack of blood that they didn’t have sex. She and Tyrion share a little look and she walks out with the sheets.
Lor: So many episodes ago, Shae tried to hide Sansa’s bloody sheets. I wonder if she will now have to do the opposite.
Sweeney: Oh! That’s a good point. Also a point I don’t want to think too much about.
Elsewhere, Sam and Gilly have arrived at the tree where Sam and Jon took their oaths (Grandmother Willow!) I care so little about this plot. Why are we ending with them? They go inside a little shack and Gilly has to build a fire because Sam can’t do it. They also discuss possible names for the baby — Gilly doesn’t really know many boys names. Womp. Sam also has to explain the concept of last names. They also have a sweet moment about how his father is cruel too. This moment is interrupted by the fact that there are a millionty cawing birds on Grandmother Willow.
Sam lights a torch and goes outside with it and sword. Then the original White Walker, that we have seen a number of times, arrives because he heard that their story needed something to keep it interesting. Sam pulls his sword, but the White Walker grabs it and it shatters. He tosses Sam aside and continues towards Gilly and her baby. Sam panics, but remembers the knife of the First Men, that he has on him still. He gets the White Walker in the back with it, and he dies a slow, strange death. I guess that answers the question of what it does.
Lor: Man, didn’t you guys miss Theon this episode? LOLOL. JUST KIDDING. GIVE ME BORING SAMWELL ANY DAY.
Sweeney: YUP. SO TRUE.
We’re nearing the end of the season, Traumateers, and the tragically long wait for another one. Keep tweeting #gameofsnark with us, though! Please click that link for more snark because this week there were SO. MANY. GOOD ONES. We try to keep a lid on how many we share here, but we missed a lot of great stuff. Here is a small sampling of our favorites:
Next time on Game of Thrones: The preview mostly just ominously reminds us that we only have two episodes left, but it looks like we’ll see the Starks absent from this episode and also that Ser Friendzoned is not a big fan of Respectful Bro. Find out on S03E09 — The Rains of Castamere.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
