Sweet Valley High #005 “All Night Long” – Or how bears are never there to eat bitches when you need them.

Previously: Fat!Robin ate something in every single scene, just so we were extra aware she was fat (ew). After she failed to make it into the high school sorority of only skinny bitches, she became anorexic!Robin, lost a ton of weight and then lived happily ever after.

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Lorraine: I tend to write these recaps as I read the book. So, at this moment, I have no idea what happens in this book. That said, let me take a moment to say: WTF Sweet Valley? “All night long?” Is there a universe where that phrase isn’t directly related to sexy times? I mean, I guess restaurants can be open “all night,” but I’m not sure you say things are open, “all night long.”

Sara: Except for Jessica’s legs. ZING!

Lor: I just quickly Googled “open all night long,” and the top hits belong to the George Jones song, “Hell Stays Open All Night Long,” and the Jewish Community Federation. Well… that’s awkward.

Obviously, all night long = ALL. NIGHT. LONG. winkywinkwinkwink.

Also, who the heck even wants to have sex all night long? If some guy were all, “we’re going to do it all night long tonight,” I’d be all, “look, I have to wash my hair. For forever.” I like to sleep most night long, y’know?

Wow. That’s a whole different subject.

ANYWAYS: the book. Sweet Valley is chucking sexual innuendos at us. Especially when you have this:

OH HELL YES. YES. Yes, the Sweet Valley High book titled, “All Night Long” definitely does feature a porn-stachioed man on the front cover.

Guys. I’m so excited. I know, I probably shouldn’t be so excited about 1.) a porn ‘stache b.) sexual innuendo in kiddie lit or c.) a Sweet Valley book at all, but I CAN’T HELP IT. Just get a look at that beauty.

Oh, I see what the problem is here. You need a close up:

Perfection. I’m sorry I’m dwelling here so long but I know that in the matter of, oh, pages, Francine Ghostwriter is gonna piss me off and steal all my ‘stach joy away. I’ve got to get my happiness where I can.

Sara: The moment I opened my mailbox and saw this pornstache, I knew it was going to be a good day.

Lor: Then what happened? You opened the book? Because we open the book with Jessica checking herself out in a mirror. Again.

Jess is trying on Liz’s clothes because she doesn’t have a room or a closet of her own. She’s all, “hey is this whorey enough for ma new man who is totally 18 and rockin’ a porn stache?” I’m sure there is a certain level of skank you have to achieve when dating a guy rocking a mustache like that.

Sara: My dad used to have a pornstache JUST LIKE THAT. Awkward….

Lor: Er… er… uh… Sorry Sara’s mom?

Nothing to see here folks! Keep reading: Liz is instantly against this entire set up and reminds Jess that mom said she wasn’t allowed to go to the party with ScottStache.

I’m pretty sure we’ve mentioned on here a few times that Jess is bat shit crazy, right? I mean, I’m not sure what the authors were going for when they wrote her, but seriously, I think they may have Googled “bipolar” and just incorporated everything they read into the character of Jessica.

Behold:

“Jessica Wakefield stood poised before the full-length mirror in her twin sister’s bedroom, chin thrown back, her lovely features arranged in a languid pout.”

“Jessica whirled on her twin, cutting her dead with a look of defiance.”

“Her eyes, which normally hovered somewhere between blue and green, and could go either way depending on her mood, glittered pure emerald fire.”

“Jessica’s smile deepened into one of pure innocence.”

“Her eyes looked blue now, as blue as a baby’s.”

Oh. Okay. Thank you, span of ONE FREAKING PAGE, for taking us through the million emotions of Jessica Wakefield. I’m not even sure what the hell “emerald fire” is but it pisses me off that now Jess’ eyes are mood rings or something?

Hey guys. Guys. If my eyes were mood rings, what color would they be right now? (Hint: Annoyed.)

Sara: Maybe that’s another reason I like Jessicaca so much. I understand your crazy eyes, Jess! I’m here for you, gurl!

Lor: Liz is being her wet blanket self, getting into Jess’ grill about Scott being a pervy perv who probably wants to share his herpes with Jess. Jess claims she can take care of herself and she’s totes a grown up and as long as Liz doesn’t tell on her, everything will be gravvy.

Liz tells Jess to keep her out of it, and that she isn’t going to lie to their mom so she can have awkward sex in a convertible with a college freshman. And that she definitely wasn’t going to come running to her rescue when she suddenly found her vag was burning.  (Paraphrased.)

Jess bursts into tears, which really isn’t as fun as if she would have, let’s say, burst into flames. #lame

Cry Count
Jess – 1

Naturally, Jess goes to the lake with ScottStache and his older friends anyways. We know that they are older, and also really!bad!news! because they are talking about things like sneaking out of their dorm rooms. Jess is doing her best to pretend to be older and mature. Mostly, she does this by looking bored and making sure everything she says is either really skeevy or really ambiguous or both.

Also, one of Scott’s friends looks just like Bo Derek in “10.” This is the second reference to Bo Derek in 10 and uh… wuh? Are we going to have to start a Bo Derek count? Or perhaps a scale, like 7 Bo Dereks out of 10? #rimshot. #punny.

The college girls are all, “Hey Jess, Scott has quite the reputation,” and instead of this raising red flags, Jess takes it as a challenge. She can handle herself, OKAY?

She proves this when she starts to get twitchy when they break out the beer and light a joint. Jess’ idea to distract from the fact that she isn’t drinking or smoking is to lead ScottStache into the deserted, woody area, perfect for such things as being hidden from the general population, being eaten by bears, rape, murder, and forest fires. Remember, only you can prevent them.

Sara: Are you trying to tell me that Jess doesn’t drink or smoke weed? HA. HAHA. Riiiiiight, Sweet Valley, right. We all knew Jessica Wakefields in high school, and I’m pretty sure they were already mini alcoholics.

Lor: Once in the woods ‘o rape, Scott is all, “let me take you to this abandoned boat house near by.” Jess mentally complains about the walk to get there and also that it isn’t very romantic. Obviously, bitch is delusional. I think she should just be grateful he didn’t say, “hey there is an abandoned butcher shop near by, and they left behind all the knives and the meat freezer still works!”

When they get there, he unties her bathing suit straps (we’ve heard this before) and rape!kisses her. Jess starts freaking out. She thinks a lot about how usually she’s in charge with guys and how she can handle any guy but this? This is different. He’s so manly. He is, after all, eightManlyteen.

Uh, Jess?

We need to talk.

See, this here is book number five. Things in your fictional world may yet change, or maybe this has just been a very, very hard five books for you but let’s take a look at your track record:

ThroatPunch Todd rejected you.
Rick Andover took you to a dive bar and rape kissed you.
Bruce rejects you.
Bruce accepts you, as long as you’re picking up his dry cleaning.
Bruce cheats on you.

And now ScottStache? I’m sorry, but where are all these men who you control and who fall head over heels for you? Oh, you mean nerdy Winston? Just checking.

Sara: It sounds like bish has Daddy Wakefield issues.

Lor: Or maybe has “I’m insane” issues. Either or, y’know.

Jess protests and tries to get Scott to stop. She tries all her tricks: she says she’ll cry rape, she puts on an innocent smile, she complains and she yells. Scott is some combination of a douche (seriously, does every guy in Sweet Valley think it’s okay to force themselves on girls?) and way too high to care what Jess is blabbing about.

She demands he take her home right away and SStache scoffs and explains that this is an overnight trip and there is no way she’s getting home. But! But! Jess’ parents are gonna flip! They didn’t give her permission to stay out all night long. And she has to take a test the next day with Liz so that they can be tour guides over the summer!

(Tour guides? Really? Of Sweet Valley?

“And if you look to your left, you’ll see where Jess almost got raped. Further down this road here, to your right, you will see where Jess almost got raped. Oh! Look! Everyone! A fat person! Hurry, take pictures!”

Sara: “And you can’t forget our token minority person!”)

Lor: ScottStache does not care. He leaves her alone in the boat house and Jess freaks out. She has no clue where she is and has to walk back through the woods ‘o rape in a bikini and bare foot. She takes this opportunity to formulate her excuse, should her parents ask, and also to decide that this is all Elizabeth’s fault.

“If only Liz had tried harder to stop me,” Jess thinks.

Dude, as she’s bumbling about the woods ‘o rape, she even goes as far as blaming Liz for not making her stay in Girl Scouts when they were kids.

I just… I don’t even know what to say anymore.

Maybe it’s all this talk of woods and bears and annoying youths, but I am reminded of something: There’s a little known story in the Bible about the prophet Elisha. See, he was walking along one day, minding his own business, doing official prophet things I’m sure, when some “youth” started yelling at him and basically called him baldheaded. Elisha was bad ass though, and was all, “I curse you in the name of Lord, yo,” and he kept walking. Some time later, two female bears just came out of the woods and mauled 42 of the youths.

This might be the first time I’m reading SVH and wishing it were more like the Bible. Where the heck is a youth mauling bear when you need one?

Sara: Youth mauling bears could fix A LOT of the shit in these Sweet Valley books. I’m thinking we need a new tag.

Lor: No bears come through for me, though. Jessica makes it to the cabin where the college kids of the damned are staying. ScottStache is drunk off his ass and is all, “hey you made it. I hate you. I’m gonna pass out on the couch now.”

Sara: Story of my life.

Lor: As ScottStache drools on himself, Jess must finally get a good look at that ‘stache and she instantly regrets even kissing him. Yeah, duh.

A cold, tired, hungry, scratched up and angry Jessica Wakefield, with her perfect size six ass, emerald fire eyes and all-American good looks sleeps on the floor.

Ahahahahahahahaha. Haha. Ha. Ahem.

The next day Liz wakes up from some sort of PG-13 wet dream where Todd is with her in the dark room “developing pictures,” ifyouknowwhatImean. Gross. She’s all sleepy and woozy and then! She remembers about her sister. From the looks of her unslept in bed, Jess never made it home.

Liz knows this means she’ll have to cover for her twin. She considers getting “welcome” tattooed across her chest.

Jess manages to call Liz and begs her to please cover with their parents. Liz feels obligated but has no clue what to do. I mean, how could she possibly fool her mother into thinking that she is Jess? I mean, how would that even be possible? Let’s all think here for a few paragraphs people. How can Liz pretend to be Jess?

Sweet Valley: where everyone forgets Jess and Liz are twins, EVEN JESS AND LIZ.

After Liz has her, “Oh, I know! I can pretend to be Jess because we’re twins!” moment, she puts on her charade. She walks out first as herself, scarfs down some pancakes and then heads out the door. She sneaks back in the house, streetwalker-fies herself and then pretends to be Jess, scarfs down more pancakes, and heads out the door.

Sara: She couldn’t have just skipped breakfast as one twin? They’re a perfect size 6, yet they never skip breakfast? I call bullshit, Sweet Valley!

Lor: I skip breakfast all the time and I’m a perfectly not a size 6. Super bull shit.

At school, everyone thinks Liz is Jess, since she’s still dressed in her trampy clothes. Todd finds Liz and is all, “I’m so happy! I’m gonna buy a motorcycle so I can throat punch on the go!” and Liz is all, “that’s nice ZOMG LET’S TALK ABOUT ME.”

So she spills the entire story about covering for Jess. Todd is all, “Look. That ain’t that bad. I mean, the worst part of it is that Jess constantly uses you and you won’t let me punch her.”

Amen Todd. Amen.

Sara: Word.

Lor: Liz goes and takes her test for the tour guide or whatever nonsense that is.

As she leaves, Cara sees her and thinks she’s Jess. Liz plays along and tells her a bogus story about how she pushed Scott into the lake with his clothes on.

Todd finds them and since Liz is so amused with herself for having fooled Cara, she’s all, “Hey! Let’s talk about me some more. ME ME ME ME ME ME,” and tells him the fake story about how Jess pushed ScottStache in the lake.

“I wish it’d really had happened that way because being pushed in water seems to be a really big punishment in Sweet Valley (think Jess into pool and Bruce into fountain) and Stache totally deserves it.” Liz (kind of. Almost.) says.

“Yeah. He’s a jerk but… Jess isn’t really innocent either, you know. She did go to the lake. Just sayin’,” Todd (kind of. Almost.) says.

Elizabeth is really worried since Jess hasn’t showed up and the tour guide test is soon. Todd is all, “don’t you even dare think about taking the test for Jess because that is cheating and you can’t be the angelic twin if you’re gonna go around lying, being a bitch, hating fat people AND cheating. Jesus.”

Liz is all, “it isn’t really cheating, yo.” Uh. Yeah it is.

Sara: I do love Liz’s willpower in convincing herself that what she’s doing is okay, though. Welcome to the dark side, bish.

Lor: Todd and Liz argue some more when Todd rightly points out that this is more of Liz being the worlds biggest doormat and how Jess would be dry humping someone somewhere without regard to Liz if the roles were reversed.

“You just don’t like Jess,” Liz accuses Todd.

Well, DUH. This is one of those things we’re going to apparently cover in every single damn book. Liz is four minutes older (mentioned twice so far), Jess doesn’t wear a watch (mentioned twice so far) and Todd hates Jess.

Oh, why was that again? Hmmm. Oh yeah! I remember. BECAUSE JESS ACCUSED TODD OF RAPE.

Todd says wise things like, “Jess only cares about herself,” and Liz pretty much stamps her feet and says, “nuh-uh!” and “your mom only cares about herself!”

They break up and Todd is all, “I guess you and I won’t be going to that surf competition this Saturday where the entire school will be, watching people surf and having fun.”

Some of this exposition is really stinkin’ clunky. I mean, I don’t even know how to recap that in an unclunky way. So anyways, they break up. Something tells me that this will not be the last time this happens. (Sara: One Nancy Drew book, and you’re already predicting the future.) Liz figures that now that her relationship is over, she might as well cheat too! Excellent reasoning skills, Liz. I mean, why even take the job as a tour guide? You gals might as well become strippers. Fuck it. Rob a bank. $$$$$

Sara: I like this stripper twins concept. And I think I’m sensing a new book series that could make us famous!

Lor: Hold that thought. Liz is crying.

Cry Count
Liz – 1
Jess – 1

Not only did she cheat, she’s afraid she flunked while she was at it. There’s a lot of whining in the girls bathroom and lots of tears and lots of zzzEnid saying, “yeaaaah. You should blame Jess.”

After she cries some more (I’m counting it as one really long cry) and pukes she heads to the newspaper office. CreepyCollins tells her she looks terrible.

Don’t you just love it when people are all, “hey, you feeling sick?” Like I needed to know that my face looks diseased.

Anyhow, CreepyCollins asks Liz to please cover the big surfing event that the whole school will be at. Liz can’t say no, even though she can’t imagine going without Todd, all because Creepy “was always there for her when she needed him. He was so sensible, so sincere- not to mention so handsome.” Uh, Liz, do I have to start calling you CreepyLiz? Don’t make me do it. I will do it.

You really do look pale. Why don’t you let me give you a ride home? You look like you need to lie down.

UH, CREEPY! Way to out creep everyone else, CreepyCollins.

Sara: Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! Run away, underage high school girl!

Lor: Liz is all, “yeaaaah… I’ll walk.”

Jess finally makes it to school from the woods ‘o rape. She thanks Liz for covering for her and is so happy that she doesn’t really notice that she’s helped ruin Liz’s life. Again. Besides, she has cheers to go learn so she can’t be expected to have noticed her sister’s been crying and puking and been creeped on by Collins.

The tour guide test scores are posted and Liz passed but Liz pretending to be Jess failed. Jess is pissed. She blames Liz of purposefully failing her because she was jealous that she was off being almost raped by a porn ‘stache. Liz is all, “bitch, please.”

Liz tries to explain and says she’d never do anything to hurt Jess.

“Oh don’t bother playing sweet, innocent Lizzie with me. If you were so sweet and innocent you would’ve never pretended to be me in the first place.”

OH MY GOD JESSICA MAKES ME WANT TO RIP PUPPIES APART. Holy crap.

Where the hell are the youth eating bears when you need them?

Sara: Or maybe a Sharktopus?

Lor: YES PLEASE.

Liz is devastated. Mostly because she let Jess walk all over her again and well, she cries.

Cry Count
Liz -2
Jess – 1

Todd finds her and says they both acted like idiots and they should totes unbreak-up.

It’s kind of sweet as they make up, and kiss and tell each other that they love each other. Todd admits that he doesn’t like his own sister half the time, but would probably punch someone for talking shit.

As an older sister of a rambunctious, never learns her lesson, social butterfly? Word.

Also, Todd has a sister?! Will she disappear like his brother (GhostBrotha!) did, into the land of dropped Sweet Valley story lines?

Sara: They probably shipped them off the same place they send the fatties and unattractive people.

Lor: You mean, Anorexialand?

Anyhow, Jessica gets to retake the test because the teacher could see how sick she was the first time she took it. She’s super happy, so she loves Liz again.

Everyone at school goes to the surf competition and people surf.

Wait. Not everyone does because Jessica is stuck at home with a case of poison oak. It’s no mauling by bears, but I’ll take it.

Sara: Is ‘poison oak’ the same thing as ‘herpes’ in Sweet Valley?

Lor: You never know. I mean, rape is almost like sex, except dry humping is almost like sex too and um… you just never know.

Todd and Liz are kissy, kissy and Todd is very excited about taking Liz out on his new motorcycle. What he doesn’t know is that Jess and Liz are absolutely banned from ever riding a motorcycle. But… but… he’s so excited about it!

Life is so hard.

 

Next time on Sweet Valley High: Will Todd’s motorcycle drive them apart? Find out in #6 – Dangerous Love.