Pretty Little Liars S01 E09 – BAMF Parenting

Previously: The Pretty Little Liars memorialized Alison even though she keeps proving to be the worst friend ever.
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The Perfect Storm

Lorraine: Spencer, Aria, and Hanna are gathered around the Hastings’s kitchen table. Aria is quizzing Spencer on vocabulary words while Hanna whines about having to learn them. Hanna asks Aria about Noel Khan, but Spencer interrupts to remind them both that SAT’s are just 12 hours away.

Spencer and Hanna are so precious, even Aria is made tolerable by their presence. Also, I love Spencer’s “messy hair” here. Yeah, girl. That’s what I look like when I’m studying too.

Sara: I don’t think I even caught on to the fact that she had “messy” hair! I bet she also wakes up with perfect loose curls and rosy cheeks.

Sweeney: SIDEBAR: I watched this episode a week ago, but since then I watched all of the series Troian did for WIGS and I seriously can’t look at any of the gifs of her the same. This girl is so talented, regardless of how wasted that is on PLL. Still, here she gets to have magic Disney princess hair, so I think it’s worth it.

Lor: Hanna keeps pressing Aria about Noel Kahn, because he’s got everything going for him. Namely he’s young, hot, and rich. Aria insists she’s just looking for a friend. Hanna asks if she doesn’t want something a little more tangible– something she can “scratch and sniff.” Spencer’s, “STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY” reaction is basically the same as mine. First we have the same studying hair and now this!

Boy talk turns to Spencer’s cute country club boy, Alex. Apparently, he’s just getting back into town from some tournament. Spencer shares that things are very good between them.

Spencer’s mom, whom if you will recall looks like a poor man’s Mariska Hargitay, arrives and boy talk is put on pause. MariskaMom asks where Emily is and Spencer says she’s probably on her way.

We segue magic over to Emily walking into her room, covered in mud, locking her door and suspiciously hiding things around her room. The music crescendos just as Emily gets a text from A.

Big Eyes Shh Credits.

MariskaMom walks into school with the PLL’s [Pretty Little Liars] and tries to find out if the SAT is cancelled seeing as how there is a major storm brewing.

Country club boyfriend Alex is also present because he’s taking the SATs at Rosewood. Spencer says this is why she didn’t want her mom following them inside. Alex comes over to make with the kissing, though Aria nudges them apart when MariskaMom approaches. Spencer introduces him by saying he’s the one she went to Homecoming with. MariskaMom is quite awkward about it, and Alex thinks ain’t nobody got time for classist bullshit. (S: A+) He excuses himself.

A Test Lady in Charge comes over to announce the test is still on. MariskaMom says that lots of students won’t make it because there are already roads being closed due to storm damage.

Detective Wild Wild Wilden is on hand to butt into their conversation and announce that the road closure wasn’t because of the storm, but because someone destroyed Alison’s memorial. They closed the entire street down because it’s a murder investigation. This doesn’t seem to make much sense, but then again we’re talking about Detective Wilden. Even Nancy Drew would’ve figured this shit out by now, and she’s wrong the first 47 guesses.

Later, Wilden spots Emily alone at her locker, probably because he has a little radar that goes off anytime there is a minor nearby he can harass. (S: A+) Wilden asks Em if she’s heard from Toby. She says no. He tells her to let him know when Toby reaches out to her, because they spotted him at a gas station recently, meaning he isn’t dead. Plus, someone vandalized Alison’s memorial. The camera pans down very pointedly to Emily’s shoes covered in what may or may not be memorial vandalizing mud. It really depends on whether you trust the zoomy camera man.

Sweeney: Rosewood’s zoomy camera man has been fairly honest, I think. He’s often misleading, but I think that’s because he’s not very bright and makes some Detective Wilden-esque assumptions about everything he sees.

Lor: Aw man! Zoomy Camera Man is just a little slow? I feel like a jerk now for making fun of him.

In the library, Spencer, Aria and Hannah are whispering about the trashed memorial. Spencer obviously thinks that Toby did it because if there is something to blame someone for, Spencer is gonna blame Toby. Hanna thinks Toby is dead and Spencer’s retort is that death hasn’t really stopped Alison’s text messages.

Sara: Brought to you from heaven by VERIZON.

Lor: WE ARE SO GOOD AT PRODUCT PLACEMENT.

Emily arrives and they ask her where she’s been. She says she had a late practice and they fill her in on the trashed memorial. Their chat is paused when Aria spots her mother arriving at the school.

Aria meets her mom in the hallway. Piper from Charmed was called into to proctor the test. Aria is shocked by this so PiperMom explains that she applied to teach at the school since she has to pay rent now that she’s moved out of the house. PiperMom is really doing this separation wrong.

Sweeney: Right? I don’t care all that much about Aria’s parents, but OMG it’s so obnoxious that she’s living in some apartment, subbing to pay rent while the one who cheated gets to stay in the house with the kids. DAFUQ?

Lor: I don’t even know.

Aria brats about not being informed about the new teaching gig. PiperMom points out that Aria has cancelled their dinner plans all week, leaving her no opportunity to communicate the news. Aria brattily flips her hair about and PiperMom understands that this in hair flip speak means her daughter never plans on visiting her. Aria thinks if she visits her mom, it’s like sanctioning the separation. Because she is a child and doesn’t understand that whether she sanctions it or not, it’s happened.

Look, separations are hard on kids! I get that. I don’t like seeing Aria being bratty to her mother, considering Piper was the cheat-ee and not the cheater, but whatever. It’s rough. It’s just annoying in Aria’s case because it is yet another way to highlight the fact that her soul just isn’t as old as she thinks it is.

Additionally, a little dress, heels, stockings and beautifully curled hair is exactly how I went to take my SAT’s too. For real.

Sara: If by dress and curled hair, you mean sweatpants and an unbrushed tangle on my head, then yes! Me too!

Lor: Back in the library, precious photographer Lucas is chatting to Hanna about getting hits on some more of the stuff he’s selling for her. Mona walks in to be terrible to Lucas and essentially shoos him away. Lucas looks to Hanna for some back-up but she doesn’t say anything. He leaves.

The other PLL’s are getting in some extra studying because the test has been delayed. I’m pretty annoyed by how this whole testing situation is being handled but I’m 100% sure I’m focusing on the wrong thing. Oh, look, Emily just got another text from A.

Speaking of focusing on the wrong thing, I love that their phones always show a text message from “unknown.” Is this A person switching around disposable phones? ‘Cause I would save this number in my phone, yeah? Something like The Bitch Ruining My Life or maybe LOOK AWAY. LOOK AWAY.

Anyways. Detective Wilden comes into the library to ask the Test Lady in Charge who would be able to give him access to the boy’s locker room. The girls all hear this, and Hanna starts freaking out. Spencer thinks Wilden’s just grasping at straws since Alison’s brother yelled at him last episode.

Sweeney: Spencer’s an excellent detective.

Lor: Wilden comes over to disturb their lives some more, and offer his apologies for the ruined memorial. Not really apologize, though, more like pump for information. Spencer says they saw nothing, seeing as how they were studying for the SATs. Emily speaks up quickly and says they were all at Spencer’s house studying. Hanna and Spencer have zero poker face, but since Aria just has the one Big Eye expression, she’s able to tell Wilden that they were in fact all together. Wilden leaves.

Spencer asks Emily where she was last night and why she lied to Wilden. Emily snaps that she thought they were all sticking together, grabs her things and walks away under the guise of using the restroom. Aria asks if one of them should go after her, but best-BFF-Hanna wisely states that Em will talk to them when she’s ready.

Back in the stacks of books, Emily finds Great Expectations. There is an envelope just under the cover addressed to Alison from Emily.

Spencer gets a text from A.

Spencer shows the other girls the message as the thunder outside booms and the girls all look around like maybe A is standing nearby cackling or something. Commanding the ominous thunder and shit.

Sweeney: Have you figured out how to control thunder and lightning yet, Lor? That might be a requirement for your application to work for A.

Lor: So far I have an app on my phone that makes thunder sounds. I’m working on it.

After a cut to black, Spencer spots Alex and calls out to him. She tells him that she isn’t sure what happened between him and her mom at the club, but that she knows her mom is a handful. Alex basically says he has to go study math forever and can’t talk about this.

Mona notices Lucas looking at her a lot and laughing.

Mona asks Hanna why Lucas is into her and Hanna explains that he isn’t; the purse that Mona is carrying used to belong to Hanna. It’s one of the ones that Lucas helped her sell and she can tell because the handle isn’t the original. Mona plays like she bought the bag on purpose as a “goof.”

Aria stands to ask Test Lady in Charge if she can leave but a tornado watch was just posted so no one is leaving. On the way back to her seat, Aria is stopped by Noel Kahn. He’s got great tickets to a basketball game. Aria basically says she has to shave her hands that night. Noel Kahn grabs his stuff to leave, and suddenly Aria is interested because leaving is something she wants to do. He invites her to come along to another room that is not the boring library.

Aria’s father, who will forever be identified for his small dabble in adultery, has come over to the Marin house because the lights have cut off over at his house. He’s also brought some bread to toast because faxing works up an appetite. Something like that. Just as Papa Cheater starts sending his fax, the lights at the Marin house also cut out. He’s freaking out because he’s faxing over a permission slip he forgot to send with his son, who is on a lacrosse trip. This all devolves into some boo-hooing about sucking at being a single parent. The parent drama on teens shows always confuses me. Does anyone care about this?

Sara: I remember saying this often during One Tree Hill and The O.C. PARENTS = BORING.

Sweeney: Sandy Cohen’s majestic eyebrows could never be boring! But yeah, all the parent-driven plot lines on The O. C. were painfully boring. NOBODY CARES.

Lor: Aria and Noel Kahn have settled in the music room. Noel starts strumming on his PLEASE LOVE ME guitar and Aria starts singing along. It’s funny because a few days ago I was looking up how tall Lucy Hale is (#thingsbloggersdo) when I noticed her Wikipedia page identified her as an actress and a singer.

I immediately reported this back to Sara who was informed me that Lucy Hale was on the American Idol spin-off show American Juniors, which aired in 2003. She was one of five winners. If you search YouTube for this phenomenon, you can find videos of Lucy as an actual fetus as opposed to just the fetus-faced Lucy we know today.

Sara: Just in case I don’t embarrass myself enough in other ways, I would like to share that I watched this show all the way through, voted regularly, and bought the CD that came out at the end. And Lucy Hale was my favorite. Which is why she has a special place in my heart, even when I ragehate Aria.

Also also, that singing scene felt awkward to me. Like I was getting red-faced embarrassed on Aria’s behalf. Not because she’s a bad singer, but because randomly breaking into song at school, in a dark room, with some boy playing guitar next to you is fucking weird, even for Aria.

Sweeney: I’ll trust your judgement that she’s a better singer than this moment suggested, or perhaps blame it on how weird this was even for Aria, but yeah, that was… a thing that shouldn’t have happened. I was also getting a serious case of second-hand embarrassment watching this scene.

Lor: Her rendition of “Who Knows Where the Times Goes,” follows us as we see Emily, sitting down in the library reading a passage of Great Expectations that A highlighted for her. Emily looks behind her and it seems that she’s seeing Alison, but when she looks again, there is nothing there. This takes us into an AliBack.

This flashback has been brought to you by the the Toaster Instagram filter. Emily and Alison are in the library and tinkly music plays as they chat about Great Expectations. Emily mentions that she had a dream about Jenna in which Jenna was fine and she forgave all of the PLL’s! Alison’s all, “bless your heart,” about it. Then Alison reads this passage from the book, “I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.” Emily leans in for a kiss.

Back in the present, Emily picks up and her letter and reads it over.

Essentially, the letter says Emily expected more kissing to follow the kiss we just saw in flashback, but Alison “laughed in her face.”

Sara: I don’t even like Emily all that much, and I want to punch Alison for that. 

Sweeney: She’s so manipulative and evil. I wonder what would happen if Alison and Jessica Wakefield ever met. #crossovermagic

Lor: Uh, no. Crossover-tragic. 

Back with Aria, she finishes singing her song and all this strumming and vocalizing has charged up the sexual tension between Aria and Noel Kahn. They both lean into a kiss, but who else would fucking show up at that precise moment?

EZRAFITZ, SEXUAL PREDATOR.

Aria and Noel Kahn pull apart some as Aria’s guilty looks take us to a fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Ezra says that they want all the students back in the library for safety reasons. Aria stays back to ask Ezrafitz “a few homework questions.” Once Noel Kahn is gone, Aria Captain Obviouses that Ezrafitz is back. He says he never left and Aria says that’s funny considering he never answered her messages or emails. (Or carrier pigeons. Or smoke signals. Or the singing telegram.)

Ezrafitz admits he was in New York, but he vagues that it was to “deal with family issues.” Aria repeats that back in a way that screams, “WHO HAS TIME FOR OTHER PEOPLE?” Ezra then clarifies that he was more dealing with “me” issues. Maybe like “me losing my job, going to jail and someday becoming a cheaply produced Lifetime movie” issues. Apparently, he interviewed for another job.

He isn’t very successfully getting his explanation out because Aria keeps interrupting him with brat-breaks. There is some really brilliant dialogue here too like, “You tell me at homecoming that you got a haircut for me and then you just fall off the face of the earth?”

HOW DARE YOU, EZRA? You got a mother fucking haircut for her! That’s an offer of marriage in approximately zero countries, but y’all are practically engaged now!

Sweeney: I had this same LOLFOREVER reaction to that line. But the fact that Ezraftiz doesn’t and takes that line completely seriously — that line that demonstrates what an infant Aria is — highlights what an epic CREEP he is.

Lor: Aria says she’s thought about him for WHOLE DAYS. DAYS! ENTIRE DAYS! That’s like years when you are a fetus. Ezrafitz one-ups her by saying he thought about her every second he was gone. But, you know, he also thought about pesky things like consequences and questions from the school board and her parents. Aria’s all, “NO. FINE. WHATEVER. Things have changed between us!” and she storms off while sniffling.

Man, I hate those two.

Back at the Marin house, Papa Cheater and Mama Marin are sipping on wine surrounded by candles, though there appears to be enough daylight that they are probably just for making everything smell pretty. Papa Cheater asks if she knew that PiperMom left him, and she admits that she did. All the neighbors know. She won’t take sides though, because things are never black and white.

Papa Cheater boo-hoos about how you spend all this time being a couple and then you aren’t and you might as well disappear. I wonder if this means that when he was busy being a couple with a piece on the side if he felt like a super person!

Mama Marin, for her part, can relate to the sentiment. She says it took her months to go see a movie alone and when she finally went she saw Transformers 2 and it was so awful it made her cry. Or, wait, she was crying because she had no one to share her popcorn with. Papa Cheater mentions that he has a faculty dinner to go to, but doesn’t think he can go, as the place is Moroccan and PiperMom was the adventurous eater. Mama Marin offers to coach him through the menu via phone call, but he invites her to come with.

Sara: So I guess PiperMom got “adventurous eating” in the divorce?

Lor: Bitch should’ve gone for the house and lived on ice cream like everyone else in a break-up.

The students are being filed into the locker room and I’m not sure why because in case of tornado I would like to not be buried under lockers. (S: Less windows is safest!) (OKAY.) Lucas is saying something about wanting to take pictures of the tornado, and Mona puns that he wants to be taken to Oz to ask the wizard for a penis. Hanna pulls her aside and asks why she’s being such a bitch, considering Mona was wearing glasses and a pony tail just two short years ago. Hanna thinks Mona should go to Oz and ask the wizard for a heart.

In the locker room, Spencer spots Alex and he’s all, “Yep! Still studying all of the math. Forever.” Spencer says that they really don’t have to talk about what happened with her mom, but she would like to know if they are ever going to get past it. She probably wants to schedule it in her agenda for maximum efficiency. Alex says this isn’t up to Spencer, but up to MariskaMom. He grabs his stuff and leaves.

Still in the library, Emily goes into another AliBack! This time, Emily and Alison are in the locker room. Alison is babbling about wanting to be in Paris, all while she’s naked. She asks Emily to hook her bra for her. Emily does and then kisses her neck lightly. Ali spins on her and asks what she thinks she’s doing. Alison is into boys, and if she kissed Emily, it was just practice for the real thing. Emily is crestfallen and she can’t even storm out because she’s Alison’s ride.

In the present, the lights cut out in the library and things start to get real murdery. Emily stands up and starts shout-asking if anyone is in the library with her. Books start falling off the shelf just as she passes by, but she never catches sight of anyone else. Back in the aisle where she was originally sitting, her bag and the letter are gone.

Ezrafitz is in some sort of supply closet when PiperMom comes in to tell him that he should grab the first aid kits as well. She reintroduces herself as Aria’s mom and then jokes about having met him for the first time in the dark. That is the first of many awkward mom-and-the-man-banging-my-underaged-daughter-moments.

Other highlights include, “if we were on a plane right now, I’d probably be in your lap,” “no wonder Aria talks so highly about you,” “I’m really glad she has you in her life right now. An adult that she admires,” and on behalf of Mr. Fitz we have, “She’s very engaged.” You bet she is, Ezra.

Piper Mom asks Ezrafitz how Aria is doing in school. He assures PiperMom that there have been no alarming changes in her behavior since the separation. PiperMom says that Aria puts up a good front, though, and that when she’s hurt she will shut you out. Ezrafitz looks thoughtful.

Sweeney: That awkward moment when you give the child predator the extra push he needs to go after your daughter again.

Lor: In the locker rooms, Emily comes in and Hanna asks where she’s been. Em says she was looking for her bag. Hanna tells Emily that if she was hooking up with Maya the previous night, and that’s why she lied at being at Spencer’s, it isn’t necessary. She assures Emily that the other Liars can handle the truth.

Before Em has a chance to deny this, Wilden comes in and says they found something that belongs to her and takes her away. The remaining Liars exchange looks and follow after them.

Wilden takes Emily back into the library and tells her that leaving her bag unattended is never a smart move. Just then, Spencer busts into the library with Aria and Hanna in tow and asks what the heck is going on. Wilden smarms that it’s good they are all together for his update.

See, Wilden knows what Emily was doing last night when she wasn’t studying. He shows them all a picture of Emily amidst Alison’s trashed memorial. All that suspicious mud on her shoes was in fact suspicious mud! Emily says she didn’t do any trashing, though.

He’s having a hard time believing that, considering that Emily has the little figurines from the fountain in her bag. Hilariously, Wilden keeps trying to involve Toby is all of this. “You have mud on your shoes. DID TOBY MAKE YOU MAKE YOUR SHOES MUDDY?”

Fucking Toby.

Sara: Well, now we can blame the economy on both Alison and Toby.

Lor: Aria asks why Emily took those, though Hanna is quick to jump to her defense and say she would never. Wilden’s all, “oh yeah? Know what else my totally illegal search of private property turned up? THIS ANGRY LETTER!” The letter was dated, by the way, three days before Alison’s disappearance.

Emily breaks down in some terrible acting tears. (Sorry, Shay Mitchell. You are gorgeous but, yeah. This is bad.) She admits to her friends that she loved Alison as more than a friend, but that she’d written terrible things in that letter and never apologized before Ali disappeared. Em says she went to the memorial to make amends and found it destroyed.

Hanna practically growls as she tells Wilden to give the letter back to Emily, or she’ll rip his head off. Wilden yells back that they aren’t leaving until Emily explains why she had pieces of the memorial. She grabbed them because they were the only things that weren’t broken.

Behind them, the door squeaks open and MariskaMom enters. She asks what’s going on and why the girls aren’t in the locker room with the other kids. MariskaMom asks why Emily is crying and Spencer offers, “he accused her of killing Alison.” MariskaMom is all, “SAY WUH?” Aria clarifies, “he went through her purse and now he’s accusing…” Aria doesn’t finish because MariskaMom almost literally does a SKKKRRRRRRTTTTT.

MariskaMom: Hold it. Hold it. You’re questioning minors without an adult present? What police department do you work for? What century are you in?

I’M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

Wilden start to advise MariskaMom of something and she cuts him off with a, “oh no. I would advise you to back off because anything that they’ve said to you is inadmissible in a courtroom, period.”

This is probably my favorite PLL moment of the entire series to date. Seriously. THE BEST.

MariskaMom asks Wilden WTF he was thinking, and he lamely offers that he has a homicide to solve. MariskaMom says not anymore he doesn’t. He’s DONE with this investigation unless he wants to face her with opposing counsel.

This scene made up for all the Ezria bullshit I had to put up with.

Sara: BUT SERIOUSLY. BEST.

Sweeney: There aren’t enough clapping gifs. This was the absolute greatest moment in the series so far. INFINITY SANDY COHEN EYEBROWS FOR YOU. SANDY COHEN EYEBROWS FOREVER. Or, like, maybe the establishment of the MariskaMom Award for BAMF parenting. By which I mean, “Acknowledging that this television universe makes zero sense and everyone is batshit crazy.”

Lor: That’s most of why this is so exciting. It’s a little shout-out to the fact that nothing in Rosewood makes sense.

Back in the locker room, Aria spots Emily still looking a little broody so she goes over to say she wishes she would’ve know about her lesbian tendencies. She also says that even if Alison didn’t love her in exactly the way she wanted, Alison did love her.

Test Lady in Charge enters to announce that the storm warning has been lifted but the test is being rescheduled. The kids cheer and clear it.

Out by her locker, Spencer is looking for Alex but figures he probably already went home. Spencer thanks her mother for stepping in like a boss, but then addresses what’s been bothering her. She wants to know what happened between MariskaMom and Alex.

The story is that one weekend when Papa Hastings took the girls off for a trip, MariskaMom stayed home and spent Friday drunk, Sunday hungover and she can’t remember Saturday. It all started with some day drinking at the club, and Alex was a witness. MariskaMom spilled her guts to Alex and then he got her safely into a cab.

Spencer knows why she had to spill her guts. MariskaMom confesses that she had a lump removed from her breast. She was understandably shaken, though I wonder if getting three-days-drunk immediately following that procedure was a good idea.

Anyways, MariskaMom made Alex promise that he wouldn’t speak of that day again.

Spencer quietly asks if her mother is sick, but the answer is no. She asks why she and PapaHastings didn’t tell her, but not even PapaHastings knew. “Our family doesn’t handle imperfection very well.” Aw, damn. These Hastings are hard core. Spencer tells her mom that being sick is not an imperfection. MariskaMom tells Spencer that Alex is a keeper. So is MariskaMom in this episode.

Sweeney: She’s the actual best.

Lor: Back at the Marin home the lights come back on and the fax has been sent successfully. Papa Cheater offers to drive Hanna to school every day and brings up dinner on Saturday again. Mama Marin doesn’t look very happy about it so Papa Cheater makes up a sudden, lame excuse about how he can’t actually be at that dinner. They awkward out their goodbyes.

Sara: Thank the heavens. Mama Marin is way too good for Papa Cheater. And Mama Marin isn’t even that great. It just doesn’t take much to be too good for that d-bag.

Lor: At her locker, Aria spots Noel Kahn. She walks over to him and tells him they should have that date. He offers Friday but Aria looks over to where PiperMom is standing and says she’s having dinner with her mom that day. I hope she doesn’t think this is going to delete any of those brat points from earlier. Okay, maybe like one point.

Spencer finds Alex and lays a big kiss on him. He asks what the kiss is for and she says, “I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.” Aw! Age appropriate love is so cute.

Emily shelves Great Expectations in the library. Probably in the wrong spot, but it’s symbolic so whatevs.

In the hall, Lucas thanks Hanna for whatever she said to Mona because she spent 2 hours without being awful to him. Hanna cutely offers that there is no need to thank her, because they are friends. Lucas looks like he might pee himself. Hanna walks away and he calls after her, but she’s already too far gone. The camera starts to pan down his pant leg so that for a second I think he actually did pee himself, but no! It’s just some suspicious mud on his shoes!

TOBY DID IT!

Alison’s face is on a laptop screen saying, “I know you want to kiss me.” Black gloved figure stops the video, removes a USB unsafely, and puts it in a bubble mailer. We see the envelope is addressed to the Rosewood PD from A. The black gloved person then uses a sharpie to finish filling out “anonymous.”

Clever.

 

Next time on Pretty Little Liars: The FBI arrives in Rosewood, which is fucking hilarious in and of itself. Plus, there is something called “glamping.” Find out what the heck that is in S01 E10 – Keep Your Friends Close.