Previously: Meet Robin. She’s fat. She also stole some test answers for Jess on the promise that she’d be nominated for their sorority. Meet Jess, she’s a bitch, last seen falling head over heels for Bruce the prat. Meet Liz, she’s a nosey twat, last seen peeping on her sister’s make-out sessions, teaching valuable lessons to said sister and also curing world hunger and bringing about world peace.
LOL. Jaykay. Those lessons aren’t really valuable.
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Sara: The book opens, reminding us of all the shit that went down in the previous book, concerning Fat!Robin being Jessica’s little bitch just so Jessica will nominate her for the coolest sorority of ever. Poor Fat!Robin.
Lorraine: Geez, are you really sure we have to skim over all the stuff we already know? I mean, they tell us that Liz is four minutes older and that the twins wear matching gold lavaliers. Lavaliers are magic. They also copy and paste an entire paragraph about Jess never wearing a watch.
There are a hundred and fifty two millionty books in this series. DO THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME MOTHER SUCKING INTRODUCTION?! Just tell me now.
Sara: Only if we’re lucky, Lor!
Fat!Robin’s mother calls Elizabeth, checking to see if her daughter is at the Wakefield house, but instead of being a normal mom who just says, “ok, peace out” when she hears her daughter isn’t there, she chooses to have a mini meltdown on the phone with Liz, who has never spoken to this woman before. She’s all, “Robin is just so fat and unpopular and school is so hard for her and OMGPLEASENOMINATEHER.”
1.) Ma’am. Calm down. You do not even know this little high school girl who is hearing your entire life story. Maybe Fat!Robin’s mom just has a radar and can recognize that Liz is a nosy little brat who always wants all up in everyone’s bitness.
b.) How embarrassing to have your mother begging a popular girl at your school to nominate you for a sorority. I mean, awkward, right?
cat.) Maybe Fat!Robin’s mom should, oh, I don’t know, here’s a crazy concept, TALK TO HER EFFING DAUGHTER? Being a parent in Sweet Valley is apparently super easy.
After talking to Fat!Robin’s mother, Liz thinks, “Hm. I really feel bad about Robin being a little overweight. Well, she’s definitely more than a little overweight.”
WTF. Isn’t Elizabeth supposed to be the kind one? Even her thoughts are evil little bitches. Remind me never to take a vacay to Sweet Valley, y’all. I don’t want Liz’s judgey eyes sizing my not-perfect-size-six ass up.
Lor: Aw, c’mon Sara. I hate these girls as much as the next girl (probably not because the next girl reading this is probably 6 and stupid) but this isn’t exactly the evilest thing ever. At least she really feels bad about Robin’s weight problems? No? No? No?
Sara: Maybe it’s that I always read Liz with a condescending voice when she speaks. It makes the whole reading experience a million times more fun.
Liz decides that even though Fat!Robin is fat (ew), she’s friendly and cheerful, so I guess she’s not totally ewwies.
While Elizabeth is waiting for Jessica to get home and help her clean the house, Fat!Robin shows up. Liz notices that she’s fat (ew). Fat!Robin sits on the couch to wait for Jessica and pulls a chocolate bar out of her purse.
I fucking hate you, Sweet Valley.
Liz is all, “Doesn’t eating like that make you (dontsayfatdontsayfat)…… break out?” Liz, have you ever heard of a little thing called common courtesy? Study it, learn it, love it.
We get about two pages describing how Fat!Robin eats her chocolate bar like it’s the first thing she’s had to eat since the dawn of time. Just in case we didn’t know that Fat!Robin is fat (ew). Fat!Robin tells Liz that she doesn’t break out, she just gains weight. What in the alternate Sweet Valley universe hell? Liz is all semi-disgusted but totally plays it off because she’s the super sweet twin, remember? How kind of her to just vom in her mouth instead of calling Fat!Robin out on her fatness. Ew.
Liz thinks about how lucky she is that her life is perfectly perfect. After all, she has all-American good looks, (Lor: HATE) a perfect size six ass without ever having to go to the gym, an awesome boyfriend, and she’s so humble, too. Hang on a second guys, I have to go stab Elizabeth Wakefield in her perfect size six heart. Bitch.
Lor: You forgot is super smart, writes the bestest column for their world wide newspaper, and has a gold lavalier! Don’t hate, Sara. Don’t hate.
Sara: My favorite part of Elizabeth’s writing career is her gossip column at the school paper. I always thought Liz was the most awesome writer of ever when I was a kid! Now? Notsomuch.
Fat!Robin gets up to leave, and even though the book doesn’t mention it, I’m betting Liz is disgusted by how loud Fat!Robin breathes when she moves. Right before Fat!Robin walks out, she’s all, “Liz, could you maybe nominate my fat ass for that sorority?” Elizabeth is all, “Um, sure?” even though she’s really thinking about how a girl who is a little overweight (actually, a lot overweight) will never get in the sorority because Jessica hates fat people. Um, Liz? I don’t think it’s just Jess who hates the fatties.
Fat!Robin pulls another chocolate bar out of her purse to eat in celebration. What in the…? How many chocolate bars are in that purse, Fatty McFatterson? Oh shit, sorry. A little bit of Wakefield must have rubbed off on me.
Lor: My favorite part is when she goes to call her mom all, “yay mom! Liz is gonna nominate me.” She comes back and says her mom thinks being friends with the popular twins will do wonders for her. UH. Not discovering self esteem? Not a healthy diet and plenty of exercise? Not studying? NO. Clearly this is the best parenting, ever. I bet Momma Robin packed all those chocolate bars in the purse herself.
Sara: First, Momma Robin shares her life story with Liz, and now she’s saying creepy things like that? I think I would rather have the absentee Wakefield parenting than the creepy stalker Momma Robin parenting.
Later, when Jessica arrives home and hears that Liz agreed to nominate Fat!Robin for the sorority, Jess is all, “That fat tub of lard in our sorority?” (That was not paraphrased, you guys.)
At the next sorority meeting at school, Jessica, as President, tries to hurry through so Liz won’t have time to nominate Fat!Robin. Psh, like Liz would ever break a promise. She’s perfect, remember? (Except for the hating fat people thing, but really, who can blame her?) But alas! Elizabeth nominates Fat!Robin in time, and everyone is all, “Well, if one of the Wakefields likes her, she must be okay because the Wakefields are perfect and amazing and popular and ohmygodsojealous.” Sigh. High school girls are stupid, yo.
Lor: I‘m so totally loving all of your Liz hate right now. Mostly because Jessi-caca just said, “she’s surrounded by two tons of fat!” Who’s the fattie hater?
Sara: Both the twins are definitely fattie haters, but I expect it from Jessica, that little sociopath. She’s insane enough to turn into a serial killer one day, but Liz? Liz is supposed to be the perfect twin! Plus this book felt super Elizabeth-heavy (punny!), as Jessica was mostly just standing off to the side yelling fat jokes.
Anyway, Jessica agrees that Fat!Robin can be nominated because she doesn’t want to look like a bitch. She tells Liz that Fat!Robin will have to be hazed by Cara, Lila, and herself. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Fat!Robin ended up committing suicide before her hazing ritual is over. She’s only a little a lot overweight!
The three girls go over to Fat!Robin’s house to let her know that she is now a pledge and will have to do embarrassing pledge-like things to be a member of the sorority. I don’t know anything about sororities, but I’m pretty sure it’s not normal for only one girl in the entire school to be pledging, right? Fat!Robin is all, “OMG I’M REBECCA BLACK EXCITED, would any of y’all like an ice cream sandwich?”
Lor: Or a soda? Or a shake? Or an eclair? IF YOU CUT ME I BLEED CHOCOLATE.
Sara: OH, COME ON, SWEET VALLEY. We get it. Fat!Robin is fat (ew). You really don’t need to mention food in every scene she’s in to remind us.
The girls tell Fat!Robin that she’ll have to meet them at the gym after school the next day to receive her first task. After they leave, she grabs a cheesecake out of the fridge to calm her nerves.
Beating. My head. Against. A wall.
Lor: Hey, Sara, don’t do that. Here. Let me grab you a three tier double fudge cake or something.
Sara: After school the following day, Fat!Robin finds out her first task. She’ll have to jog around the school track five times every day for a week straight.
That…. doesn’t actually sound that bad. Or embarrassing. Way to be lame, Jessica.
Lor: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Liz THINKING that Fat!Robin is a little more than overweight makes her Bitchy McGee but Jess making the fat girl run around the track is lame?!
Sara: Jessica is supposed to be evil in the books! If you’re going to be evil, you should really put a little more effort into it. She’s supposed to be the Regina George of Sweet Valley, amiright?
While Fat!Robin is running, the rest of the school is standing around making fun of her. Oh. I guess that would make it a little harder. (TWSS) Poor Fat!Robin. Liz is all, “Robin, this sorority really isn’t that important. Why are you going so cray cray to be in it?” Fat!Robin is all, “Shut it, skinny bitch. Imma be popular.”
I would also like to point out how obnoxious Elizabitch is in this book. She’s constantly telling Fat!Robin that the sorority isn’t that important, and she shouldn’t want to be associated with those girls anyways. Hey, Elizabeth? You do realize that you are in that sorority, right? Okay, gurl. Just checking.
Lor: LOL. I’m DYING. I can’t even tell if you are biased against Liz or if I’m biased against Jess. OR BOTH. LOL. Either way, it’s giving me a giggle fit and I’m just so, so excited for our long SVH reading future together.
Liz is checking up on Robin all, “hey girl you sure you wanna do this because it looks like you might die,” but I would like to point out that Jess is the one hazing her and standing on the sidelines saying shit like, “welcome to the Olympics for chubos.”
Just sayin’.
Sara: My Liz hate might possibly stem from my years of idolizing her fictional character and then growing up to find out she was not anywhere as amazing as I thought she was. After begging my first grade teacher to call me Liz and getting points taken off for writing the wrong name on a test and printing newspapers to pass out to kids in my class, I was the ultimate nerd because of Elizabeth Wakefield. It should be interesting hearing both sides of the Liz/Jess relationship, though. Bring it on!
After Fat!Robin runs every day for a week, Liz tells her that she’s an inspiration. I really wish Fat!Robin would sit on Liz or something at this point. Fat!Robin tells Liz that her next task is to go to the beach, wearing a bikini, and play volleyball. For every single girl in Sweet Valley, this is a weekly occurrence. But since Fat!Robin is the only fat bitch in Sweet Valley, it will be traumatizing. Liz feels bad, but whadayagonnado? She offers to let Fat!Robin play on her volleyball team on Saturday.
Fat!Robin passes her test with flying colors, even as all the other students are making fun of her for being fat. Oh, Jesus Christ. Come on, people! Aren’t there any handicapped or gay people to make fun of around Sweet Valley?
Lor: Jesus, you know it’s pretty bad when you start secretly praying for a little racism to shake things up.
Sara: She finds out her next task will be getting Bruce Patman to take her to the dance (FINALLY! A Sweet Valley book without a dance would have made me President of the Sweet Valley Cry Club.) Fat!Robin is all depressed because Bruce Patman will never ask her fat ass out. She probably eats something to make herself feel better. Because that’s what all fat people do, apparently.
Fat!Robin cries to Saint Elizabeth about how she’ll never be able to get Bruce Patman, and the world is over because she can’t join a stupid freaking sorority in a high school that won’t even matter two years from now. I’m really beginning to hate Fat!Robin, too. Maybe if she ran as much as she cried, she’d be getting somewhere. OH SHIT. See, the Wakefields keep rubbing off on me! I’m going to hate all fat people by the time I’m done with this!
Fat!Robin gets excited and runs off to eat something, probably. Liz is all, “OH FUCK. That was pretty dumb. Why would Bruce ever want to go out with such a fatty mcfatsalot? Whoops.” So instead of talking to Fat!Robin or talking to Jessica or talking to Fat!Robin’s mom, she decides to buy Bruce’s affection with an article featuring how awesome Bruce is in the Sweet Valley High paper. Because that Sweet Valley High paper is worldwide, y’all.
Lor: Also, Bruce keeps saying he “creamed” an opponent. Giggle. Hahaha. Ha. Okay. Sorry. Continue.
Sara: Fat!Robin finds out that Bruce will escort her fat ass to the dance, and she runs off to eat something, probably.
Liz finds out that Fat!Robin is now her new best friend, and she calls her eleven millionty times a day.
Jessica finds out that Fat!Robin got Bruce to take her to the dance and gets pissy. So basically, no difference from the usual.
The night of the dance arrives, and Fat!Robin walks in with Bruce, practically glowing. They walk out to the middle of the dance floor, and Bruce says (and I quote),
“OK, that’s it. I’ve brought you to the dance, Tubby. I’ve got better things to do now. Hey! Anyone want to steer the Queen Mary around the floor tonight? She’s all yours!”
CRUSH. OVER. I hate you, Bruce Patman, I hate you so very much. I hope you grow up and get super fat and become a coach at a local high school who pervs on high school girls like the loser you are. Wait… did I just describe Mr. CreepyCollins?
Lor: You did. You just cursed him into a life of creepy-dom. Well played.
Sara: Fat!Robin runs off crying, and Elizabeth runs after her because she just can’t resist a charity case. Liz is all, “Stop being a little bitch and maybe you could learn something.” And Robin is all, “Learn something? That you’re a mega fucking whore for setting me up with someone you knew was going to pull something like this?” Okay, that’s not what she said, but that’s what she should have said. Really, she’s like, “Sniffle, um, okay.”
“Look in the mirror, Robin. Your eyes are kind of red and puffy, but you really have a very pretty face.”
OH NO SHE DIDN’T. As every Fat!girl knows, “You have a very pretty face,” is never a compliment. “You have a very pretty face” is code for, “ZOMG FATASS HA HA HA.” ElizaBITCH.
Lor: It’s better than, “I really like your dress,” though because that just means you’re a fat ass AND your face is tragic.
Sara: Enid runs up to make sure Fat!Robin is okay. Enid may be a losery loser, but at least she isn’t fat. She tells the girls that Throat Punch Todd has offered to rearrange Bruce’s face.
Aw, that’s our favorite violent boyfriend!
Fat!Robin decides that her life is just too embarrassing, so she runs off. Liz is too lazy to run after her, so she sends Allen Walters, a nerdy boy who works on the paper with her. And go figure! Allen and Fat!Robin are perfect for each other! Because they’re both outcasts and everyone hates them! That’s a good enough reason as any to get together, I suppose.
They go back inside and dance to one song just to show Jessica & Co. that they can’t keep fat girls in a corner. After they dance, Allen offers to walk Fat!Robin home because he’s so sweet, and I love his character already and MARRY ME, ALLEN. Boys who are nice to fat!girls make me happy.
Lor: No, seriously, marry me. Even though Todd being all hopped up on steroids and anger was pretty swoon worthy, I’m pretty sure tall, nerdy, nice eyed Allen is my guy. Le’sigh.
Sara: Elizabeth totally blames Jessica for what happened, since she’s the one who told Fat!Robin she had to come to the dance with Bruce. Jessica blames Elizabeth for what happened, since she’s the one who convinced Bruce to go to the dance with Fat!Robin. Liz is like, “Oh. I guess that does sound kind of bad. Okay, you’re right. I suck. You’re awesome. My bad.”
Wipe your feet on Liz, y’all!
The final vote for whether Fat!Robin gets to be in the sorority is Monday at school. Every girl votes anonymously, and if even one person votes no, the pledge doesn’t get in.
Of course, one person (hmm, I wonder who) voted Fat!Robin out, so she can’t be in the sorority. Hope you had fun wasting all your time here, Tubbs McGee! Jess is like, “I’ll deliver the news personally,” and I’m pretty sure she says it in the most condescending voice known to mankind. Liz agrees to go with her to “help pick up the pieces” which I think is code for “be a nosy bitch”. The girls meet up and tell Fat!Robin she didn’t get in.
There isn’t any reason for me to go on!
Uh. That’s a bit overdramatic, don’t you think, Robin? She runs off to eat something, probably.
Elizabeth is all torn up inside over what happened to Fat!Robin. She can’t get in touch with her, and she hasn’t been in school for a few days. She discusses it with Mr. CreepyCollins, who is way too involved in her personal life.
Lor: Liz is going on and on about how ohsopretty people should have compassion on ugly people and you just know CreepyCollins is thinking, “have compassion on my wood.” He’s supes creepy, yo.
Sara: Fat!Robin’s mother calls Liz to let her know that Fat!Robin isn’t dead or anything. Liz wants to talk to her, but Mom says, “I especially don’t think she wants anything to do with you or anyone else from that sorority.”
ZING! Get you one, Mama Robin!
Fat!Robin finally makes it back to school, but she looks all zombie-fied. Her personality is about as wild as Kristen Stewart’s, and she wears huge clothes with no makeup. Poor FatEmo!Robin. Jessica tells Elizabeth that FatEmo!Robin has been running on the track every day before school still. The girls are concerned. Uh, guys? Exercising is actually a good thing. I suppose they wouldn’t know that considering they were both born a perfect size six.
Lor: She’s running? She must be hazing herself now! Surely, no one ever runs otherwise in Sweet Valley.
Sara: Elizabeth starts watching FatEmo!Robin like the creep she is. She notices that FatEmo!Robin has been losing weight at an alarming rate. Her face isn’t just pretty now, she’s pretty! Preposterous! Fat people in Sweet Valley can’t get skinny! Unacceptable, I say! Grab the pitchforks!
Liz also notices that FatEmo!Robin hasn’t been eating at all. She looks tired all the time, and Liz starts to get worried about her. Elizabeth sees Anorexic!Robin walking down the hall at school and stops her.
Lor: To her credit, Anorexic!Robin is all, “I’m not that dumb. I ain’t starving myself.” And it’s totally true. She had two slices of tomato for lunch. Healthy.
Sara: Anorexic!Robin tries out for the cheerleading team. She kicks ass. She becomes super popular. Bruce is all, “Who is that hawt bish?” and people are all, “Dude, that’s Robin… that girl you embarrassed at the dance last week?” Anorexic!Robin even tells Liz that her sister is a fucking bitch, and Liz is just too blind to see it. +1 for Robin!
Apparently at the dance in this book, some lucky girl will be crowned Football Queen. At my high school, I always took “Football Queen” to mean “girl who slept with the most members of the football team”. So I’m pretty sure Jessica is a shoe in. (Remember the whole ‘quacks like a slut’ theory?)(Lor: Ho suspension!)
But alas! Anorexic!Robin is trying to get votes for Football Queen, too! The team is divided. Half of them want Jessica to be queen, and the other half want Anorexic!Robin to be queen. They even carry banners around school, advertising for the person they want to win. Jessica’s banners say, “Jessica is Just Right!” and Anorexic!Robin’s banners say, “Robin Has Us Throbbin’.”
HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE. Ghostwriters, you have got to be shittin’ me. What on God’s green earth could that sign possibly have meant besides a throbbing member?
Lor: Member…. of society? of a sorority? of a local chapter of AA? Oh, wait. Got it.
Penis.
Sara: How did I never notice these things when I was a kid? Did our parents ever supervise what we were reading? I feel like maybe my parents were taking lessons from the Wakefield school of child rearing.
At the football game that night, the Football Queen is announced. And the winner is……… ANOREXIC!ROBIN. Get it, gurl! When Elizabeth goes to interview her for the school paper, she asks if Anorexic!Robin has any advice for other students. Her answer?
“Know yourself. And don’t try to be anyone else.”
Uh, you mean like by stopping eating to be skinny and popular? Or completely losing your personality so people will like you? Or working out to a dangerous extent to be crowned Football Queen? No? Oh okay, mybad.
And this is where the book comes to a close. Do we hear a heartfelt word from Elizabeth about the merits of eating healthy and exercising properly in order to avoid injury or health issues? Do we hear Anorexic!Robin say that she’s decided to lead a healthier lifestyle rather than starve herself to be beautiful? Do we hear any students apologize for being total assholes when Anorexic!Robin was Fat!Robin?
Of course not, you guys. This is Sweet Fucking Valley. That shit would never be okay here. Better to teach the next generation of children that being fat is unacceptable. Unacceptable, I tell you!
The B plot of this story revolves around Lila Fowler being a dirty little thief. But she’s only doing it because her daddy doesn’t love her, which makes it kind of sad and sweet, so I’m okay with it. She keeps giving Jessica expensive things and saying they’re from her aunt, but Elizabitch figures out the truth.
Lor: More than anything Liz did/thought/said about fatties, the fact that she was so damn nosey about Lila and the jewellery pissed me off more than anything. Robin? She asked for your help. Fine. Jess? Lila? Not so much. MYOB, yo.
Sara: One day, Elizabeth wanders in the store that Lila has been stealing from, and the clerk recognizes her, thinking she’s Jessica. The owner is all, “Hey! Dirty little thief there! You’re under arrest… or something.” They keep her at the store and start questioning her. Apparently, they saw Jessica leaving the store recently and right after she left, something happened to be missing.
Well, look at that gold mine of evidence! I’m sure this is all totally legal. Except, oh yeah, it isn’t. Because you can’t detain a suspected shoplifter if you haven’t at least called the cops. But whatever, I’m pretty sure that law enforcement has no place in Sweet Valley, anyways. (Lor: Maybe they should hire Nancy Drew.)
Elizabeth makes Lila come up to the store and admit that she’s an attention whore who just stole so her daddy would love her. Mr. Fowler shows up, tells the clerk he’ll pay for everything, and they get to leave. He also tells the clerk that he’ll make sure to discipline his daughter accordingly. For some reason, when I read this, I immediately thought of Mr. CreepyCollins. Dirty old perv.
Lila has to go to juvenile court, and she asks Liz to be her character witness. Wait a second. I thought she didn’t get arrested? So why is she going to court? What in the….? Come on, ghostwriters, you aren’t even trying anymore! Liz gives a good character witness, Lila gets community service, and Mr. Fowler gets the fuck back on a plane to go on a business trip and get away from the stressful life of being a neglectful father.
Lessons I learned from this book: 1.) Stealing is okay as long as your daddy is rich. B.) Being anorexic is encouraged, especially if you’re unpopular, and cat.) Fat people eat all the fudgin’ time.
Ooh, fudge, that does sound delicious….
Cry Count
Mama Robin – 1
Liz – 2 (LetDownCity)
Lila – 1 surprisingly long cry
FatEmoAnorexic!Robin – 5
Fat Reference Count – TWENTY FREAKING SEVEN. Yes, that’s correct. There were twenty-seven references to the fact that Fat!Robin was fat (ew). I wonder if the ghostwriter was a perfect size six also?
Lor: I just can’t get over the message this book sends to kids. I can’t imagine how this was EVER okay. Ever. Basically if you are fat, that’s really gross. Change that, right now. Just run around a lot and eat tomato slices for lunch and you’ll find insta-success.
Next time on Sweet Valley High: Jessica with a college guy? Elizabeth fears her sister has gotten in over her head this time. Is she right? Find out in SVH #5 – All Night Long.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
