Previously: Ana disobeys Grey when she decides to go have a drink with Kate. When she gets back home, turns out Jack Hyde has been apprehended by her security people.
—
Lorraine: Thanks to EL James having no idea how to create suspense, the man that’s been presumably trying to kill the Greys is now knocked out at their apartment. It happened off screen.
Ana asks the security guards after Mrs. Jones, who it turns out, is standing just behind. See, there is a panic room right next to Taylor’s office.
“I nod briskly and realize she’s probably just come out of the panic room built adjoining Taylor’s office. Who knew we’d need it so soon? Christian had insisted on its installation shortly after our engagement- and I had rolled my eyes. Now, seeing Gail standing in the doorway, I’m grateful for his foresight.”
I guess after Leila (The Ghost of Submissives Past) broke into Grey’s house, installing a freakin’ panic room seemed normal to him. I just like the sequence of events. Proposal –> PANIC ROOM.
Sweeney: I’m also amused by nodding briskly. It’s not technically an example of ELJ not owning a face because it’s possible, but it’s a weird response to, “Are you OK?” I may have spent several minutes imagining/practicing this exchange to come to the conclusion that it was weird. Which is also weird. WHATEVER.
Lor: It’s professional! We go above and beyond for our non-job blogging job.
Ana gets the break-in story from Ryan (the security guard): Jack used the service elevator to get into the apartment. Ryan noticed him because he was wearing gloves and looking super murder-y. Since no one was home, Ryan let him ride on up before knocking the crap out of him and that’s where we are now.
The next step is to call the cops. I’M JOKING, ACTUALLY. (S: LOL CALLING THE COPS.) Next, they want to secure him. Ana remembers that she has cable ties in her bedroom and flushes all over the place because see, they use those cable ties for sexytimes. She offers them up and then touts herself as brazen and audacious for doing so.
Thanks to this book, I’m now ruined, but at any point previous to this if someone mentioned having cable ties in their possession, I wouldn’t immediately think, “YOU SEXUAL DEVIANT, YOU.” They are cable ties. They have a practical purpose, so if you mention them without the flushing and uncomfortable writhing, no one’s going to suspect anything, Ana. Additionally, I’m sure your beat-up security people have more pressing matters at hand.
Sweeney: Plus, they all have to know about The Red Womb of Domestic Violence. It’s really high time Ana got the fuck over that. This is in the same neighborhood of her inability to even think the word “vagina” (we’ve been saying “if you can’t say it,” but really, we’re talking about her internal monologue so it’s worse than not being able to say it); if she can’t say “I’ve got cable ties” without losing her shit with embarrassment, she probs shouldn’t be engaging in the kind of sex that involves cable ties. Just saying, Ana.
Lor:
Ana fetches the cable ties and when she comes back out to the foyer, notices a gun on the floor. She’s really shocked that Jack was armed, because apparently she’s have trouble understanding the part where he wanted to murder her face off. Sawyer searches Jack’s pockets and finds a roll of duct tape as well. Ana gets gaggy thinking about all the awful things Jack might have done with that tape. Hey, remember two books ago when Grey went into Ana’s store to buy cable ties, masking tape and rope and she was all, “SWOON?” Tape is in the eye of the beholder.
Sweeney: More absurd Ana-isms: her mind “idly registers” the duct tape as she watches them handle this. This girl cannot allow more than a paragraph to pass without either (a) phrasing pointless statements as questions and/or (b) commenting on her obliviousness to her surroundings. (Though item b is occasionally followed by a weirdly detailed description of said surroundings, which is also hilarious.)
Lor: Since Jack is just there, unconscious and stuff, Ana suggests that maybe they should call the police. Sawyer and Ryan just give each other side eyes, leaving Ana to wonder why everyone is so twitchy about calling the damn police.
But, also, they can’t do much without Grey’s permission so Ana takes out her cell phone to call him. She’s worried, though, as she thinks about how mad Grey is at her for playing outside after the street lights were on. (S: A+) Then she realizes things could’ve been worse if she had been home, so she feels okay enough to make the call. Grey doesn’t answer and Ana thinks he’s probably so mad at her he turned off his cell phone. That sounds like a thing he would do never. She leaves a voice mail letting him know there was an incident at the apartment but no one is hurt. That all done, she tells Sawyer to call the police. FINALLY.
After a line break, there are a few detectives on scene. One of them is questioning Ana, and she’s super annoyed that it’s happening, because a cop trying to do his job is such a pain in the ass. (S: A cop that she called to come do his job!) Anyways, the cop confirms that Jack was once Ana’s boss and that Grey is in New York on a business trip.
Detective Whatever says that Ana needs to make a statement (which, I thought that’s what she was doing?) but she probably won’t want to leave the apartment right now because there are those famous Seattle Paparazzi staked out front of Escala at the moment. Apparently we Americans would care so much if a CEO of some random company called the cops? Clearly, ELJ doesn’t know we don’t give two shits about most CEOs unless they have a TV show, make a racial slur or maybe like, have an affair with a celebrity. IMPORTANT THINGS.
Sweeney: BEST. 1430.
Lor: Questioning over, the cop stands to take a look around.
Ana is feeling homesick for Grey, because he would hug her and “tell me he loves me, even though I don’t do as I’m told.” Like any father should.
Ana interrupts her own weird, pedo-esque thoughts to remember all the shit Grey’s been keeping a secret from her (extra security and the stuff Jack found on his computer) but of course that doesn’t really matter because she just loves her husband SOSOSO MUCH OMG. Later, when she climbs into bed she wishes a safe passage and a good mood for Grey. Yeah, don’t hold your breath.
After another break, Ana wakes up with a headache. When she opens her eyes, she finds Christian sitting in a chair in front of the bed. He’s wearing a tux and drinking liquor. Ana greets him and quickly finds he’s super pissed off at her.
“You’re still mad.” I can hardly speak the words.
He gazes at me, as if considering his response. “Mad,” he says, as if testing out the word, weighing up its nuances, its meaning. “No, Ana. I am way, way beyond mad.”
To emphasize, he’s “way beyond mad” her because Ana went out for a drink with her friend when she said she’d stay indoors always and forever and because someone broke into their apartment.
Grey, I’m not telling you how to be married or anything, but maybe try and be relieved that your wife wasn’t at home when the psycho killer with the gun and duct tape broke in.
Sweeney: BUT SHE DEFIED HIM, LOR! ERR’BODY KNOW WIVES IS ‘SPOSED TO DO ONLY WHAT HUSBANDS SAY. DISOBEDIENT WIVES SHOULD BE BEATEN. AND RESTRAINED WITH CABLE TIES. -_- #fuckthisbookforever
Lor: Ana wonders what she’s going to do in the face of Grey’s foul mood.
“Defense– the best form of attack.”
LOL. I think she just bastardized “the best defense is a good offense.” It’s awesome because not only does it mess up a well known saying and not make any sense, but it just speaks to Ana so well. I’m sure every time she’s cowering before Grey, she’s thinking, “look at me attacking him!” No, Ana. No.
Sweeney: Cowering and apologizing for nothing is the new having a spine!
Lor: We are so behind the times.
Ana apologizes for staying out but then admits that isn’t really sorry, and just said that so he’d stop being mad. Ana takes a moment to remind us how beautiful Grey is, even when he’s angry, and asks how long he’ll be cold with her.
“Anastasia, cold is not what I’m feeling at the moment. I’m burning. Burning with rage. I don’t know how to deal with these” – he waves his hand, searching for the word – “feelings.” His tone is bitter.”
He had to search for the word “feelings” in relation to his anger, which is in fact a feeling? OKAY.
Ana is so disarmed by Grey having feelings that she climbs into his lap and starts nuzzling him. He smells of whiskey, body wash and Christian. They chat about how Grey’s had two whole drinks because of the rough night he’s had. Two whole drinks is what I have after a particularly rough paragraph, so STFU Grey.
Ana says she slept on his side of the bed and in his t-shirt because it smelled of Christian. Grey’s all, “cool story, bro. I’m still mad at you.” That’s fine because Ana is mad at Grey, too. Probably because all her friends can stay out after dark and have a 10pm bedtime, but she can’t even see the sun go down.
Next Grey gets all sobby about what could’ve happened to Ana and this happens:
“I’m okay. We’re all okay. A bit shaken. But Gail is fine. Ryan is fine. And Jack is gone.”
He shakes his head. “No thanks to you,” he mutters.
Uh, WHUT? HOW IS THIS REMOTELY HER FAULT? YOU GUYS. HELP ME UNDERSTAND.
Sweeney: AND, QUITE FRANKLY, THE FACT THAT SHE’S TOTALLY FINE IS IN LARGE PART A DIRECT RESULT OF HER DISOBEYING GREY’S ORDERS. JFC.
Lor: Ana asks what he means and he’s all, “I don’t want to argue right now.”
Then. THEN.
“I want to punish you,” he whispers. “Really beat the shit out of you,” he adds.
This is so far removed from BDSM right now, it’s really hard to remember that’s how the book even started. There is NOTHING sexual or sexually gratifying about his sincere wish TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIS WIFE, because she went out with a friend and because someone broke into their apartment. IF YOU CALL THIS BOOK ROMANTIC, I HATE YOU TOO.
My heart leaps into my mouth. Fuck. “I know,” I whisper as my scalp prickles.
“Maybe I will.”
“I hope not.”
He hugs me tighter. “Ana, Ana, Ana. You’d try the patience of a saint.”
“I could accuse you of many things, Mr. Grey, but being a saint isn’t one of them.”
Finally, I am blessed with his reluctant chuckle.
“Fair point, well made as ever, Mrs. Grey.”
Oh, yeah, girlfriend. You are truly blessed. You are graced by Baby Jesus himself because your husband CHUCKLED at you right after he threatened to beat the excrement out of you. CONGRATU-MOTHERFUCKING-LATIONS, GIRL. NIRVANA AHEAD.
Sweeney: I don’t even have words.
AGAIN: THIS IS NOT A BDSM THING. THIS IS A COMPLETELY FUCKING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. “I hope you don’t.” LOL WHATEVER I’LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU IF I FEEL LIKE IT AND FOR REASONS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX, MAKING ANY BDSM-RELATED DEFENSE OF MY BEHAVIOR PURE FUCKING BULLSHIT.
Lor: I’M SO HAPPY WE CAN SHARE RAGE.
Grey orders Ana back to sleep and she decides to obey seeing as how he’s still mad at her. Sleep > beating. Life lessons.
“As I drift off, I’m curious though grateful, given the nasty taste in my mouth, to know why he hasn’t deployed his usual coping mechanism and leapt on me to have his wicked way.”
Is she saying she’s grateful her husband didn’t rape her to deal with his feelings because she’s got sour breath? Right. Okay.
When she wakes up, EL James’s ongoing love affair with orange juice continues. Apparently, the juice makes her mouth a better place, which only tells me how rank her mouth was before. Grey goes off to take a shower and after some bullshit about the metaphysical distance between them, Ana gets naked and climbs into the shower with him. She starts hugging and kissing him, but he tells her not to. Ana’s whole world is rocked because he’s saying no to sex. She gasps as she thinks that maybe he doesn’t want her anymore.
Sweeney: Also important to note that he’s rejecting sex because he’s mad at her. I honestly can’t be bothered to dig up ALL. THE. EXAMPLES. that Grey has manipufucked Ana when she was angry. Not wanting sex when you’re mad at someone is normal and rational and I get that except that there are about nine million examples of Grey forcing himself on Ana in spite of her objections for the exact same reason. Except that Ana’s usually got a legitimate reason to be upset with him. I guess it’s only OK to refuse sex when you are irrationally angry. Got it.
Lor: You know, I almost additionally commented on how DUMB it is for Ana to think their entire relationship is over because Grey said no to sex one time, but when you consider how “no” to sex has NEVER, EVER been a thing for them (namely, because of rape) you can kind of see why she’d be confused.
Ana says he’s overreacting.
“Overreacting?” he snarls. “Some fucking lunatic gets into my apartment to kidnap my wife, and you think I’m overreacting!” The restrained menace in his voice is frightening, and his eyes blaze as he stares at me as if I’m the fucking lunatic.
“No… um, that’s not what I was referring to. I thought this was about me staying out.”
He closes his eyes once more as if in pain and shakes his head.
“Christian, I wasn’t here.” I try to appease and reassure him.
“I know,” he whispers, opening his eyes. “All because you can’t follow a simple fucking request.”
1 – YOU CAN’T BE MAD AT ANA BECAUSE SOMEONE TRIED TO KIDNAP HER, GREY.
2 – If it was a request, she doesn’t “have to” follow it. Don’t kid yourself. It was a Holy Grey Order.
3 – …but …but, if she had been home, she may have been kidnapped. Is that what Grey wanted? It sounds like he’s disappointed she wasn’t kidnapped because she didn’t follow his request.
I GIVE UP. THIS DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE OH MY GOD.
Grey suddenly leaves the shower because he’s so mad his wife wasn’t kidnappped (?) and Ana soon follows. She picks out a pretty outfit to see if that will make him less mad, and she says it’s her “favorite plum dress.” THE PLUM DRESS. Have we given up on calling it Kate’s now? Kate thanks you kindly for never putting it back in her closet crusted in semen and sweat.
Sweeney: I can’t remember the last time this book made laugh as hard as I did at the return of the plum dress. LOLFOREVER, Ana.
Lor: Mrs. Jones offers Ana breakfast once she’s out in the kitchen and Ana accepts, but notices Grey isn’t present. She goes to look for him in his study and he just shakes his head at her so she knows she isn’t welcome. Ana sulks, eats her breakfast, chats briefly with Taylor the Red Ranger, and heads off to… BRUSH HER TEETH! WEEEE!
When she comes back out, Grey is eating breakfast and she approaches him “bravely” because when your husband casually threatens to beat the shit out of you, approaching him and talking to him are things that require courage. She reminds him, as she does daily, that she should probably go into work, seeing as how they’ve been home from their honeymoon for less than a week. She asks to take her own car, Grey says no, and she doesn’t argue because she’s “picking her battles.” Yeah, Ana. Let him order when you sleep and arrange your transportation, and fight the battles where he’s trying to beat you or kill you. Priorities.
Seattle’s Paparazzi are all outside of SIP when Ana arrives. She heads in and we jump to the middle of the day when one of her co-workers pops in to check on her and ask if everything is okay. Ana is a complete funky armpit about the entire exchange and wonders why someone would check in on her after he ex-boss broke into her apartment with a gun.
Sweeney: Elizabeth is another character who consistently does a whole lot of nothing wrong, but cheater narration consistently describes her behavior as suspicious. She SUSPICIOUSLY came to check on Ana and then STRANGELY let Ana get back to work! PROBS WANTS TO MURDER ANA AND FUCK GREY.
Lor: Later, Grey sends Ana an email to inform her that Detective Whatever will be by to take her statement. She can’t find a way to make this sexy banter so she just replies back, “k.” As she’s thinking about all this bullshit, she starts to piece together the weird timeline of Grey arriving back in Seattle. See, he was still in his tux which meant he left New York before his event was over– before Jack had even broke into the house. He LEFT NEW YORK BECAUSE SHE WAS OUT WITH KATE HAVING A DRINK.
“Did Christian come home because I was out or because of the Jack incident? If he left because I was out having a good time, he would have had no idea about Jack, about the police, nothing – until he landed in Seattle. It’s suddenly very important to me to find out.”
She sends him an email asking when and why he came back to Seattle and he refuses to answer which basically means that yes, he did hop on a plane and run home because Ana went out for a drink.
HE FLEW ACROSS THE COUNTRY BECAUSE ANA WENT OUT FOR A DRINK.
Ana sends a really great email back to him about how she’s an adult who CHANGED HER MIND and decided to go out instead of stay in, and how she didn’t know it would be such a BFD, because he never tells her any relevant information. It’s another great, aware moment that will only make us hate her more later, when she forgets all about it. And Grey’s response?
“You should watch your language. I am still fucking pissed.”
I think I’m reaching the running out of anger point. I can only have so much anger; I’M FIVE FEET TALL. MY BODY CAN ONLY PHYSICALLY HANDLE SO MUCH FICTIONAL-CONTENT-ANGER AND I AM RUNNING OUT, PROBABLY BECAUSE I JUST GOT ANGRY ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO BE ANGRY ANY MORE.
Sweeney: RIGHT? My nine extra inches don’t seem to be doing me a lot of good because there’s just too much rage and I can’t even figure out where to direct it any longer. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. IS UNACCEPTABLE AND MAKES ME WANT TO HULKSMASH THE WHOLE WORLD.
Lor: I guess it’s a good thing the chapter is almost over, then.
Ana has her meeting with Detective Whatever and it’s uneventful.
She heads home at the end of the day, super nervous to be around her irrational, abusive husband. She finds him, however, dressed in his Red Womb of Pain jeans. The ones she likes so much that he wasn’t sure he’d ever wear again. He says it’s good to have her home and the chapter ends.
Sweeney: Welp. Excellent. You’ve been on a losing streak recently, so I guess it was inevitable that I’d draw something like this sooner rather than later. BRB, I’m going to go cry until next week.
Lor: Hey, I’ll be crying the whole week too! After shock cries. I’ll bring the wine.
Murmur Count – 5
Whisper Count – 12
Favorite comment last post: My theory is that Grey’s magical abilities do not only include panty-busting, but also whisper/murmur-inducing, so naturally, when he’s gone, everyone goes back to speaking normally. – Corinna
Next time on Fifty Shades Freed – They are going to fuck their problems away, aren’t they? Find out in Chapter 11.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
