Previously: We met William the Bloody, pre-vampire days and then we met his biceps on a subway. Yeah we did.
—
Shadow
Lorraine: After a crap ton of previouslies, we start the episode with Joyce going in for her CAT scan. I start crying preemptively. It only took a few “JOYCE! :(” comments and some mysterious headaches to get me to this point.
Sweeney: I PUT FORTH SO MUCH EFFORT IN NOT EXPRESSING MY HOSPITAL!JOYCE FEELS. Since we’re here now, I get to join in: JOYCE 🙁
Lor: I appreciate the effort. I’ll pass the tissues.
Out in the waiting area, Buffy brings Dawn a soda and sits down next to her. Dawn asks Buffy what a CAT scan even is. B explains that its a kind of x-ray. Dawn, looking visibly troubled, wonders if they test it out on cats, or if the machine is shaped like a cat. I’ve heard icky things about CAT scans, but I’ll tell you that if the machine were shaped like a giant cat, and you were wheeled into its big, waiting, open mouth, THAT WOULD BE THE WORST, EVER. Because cats are evil.
K: SERIOUSLY OMG. Because now I’m picturing the talking lion’s head of sand from Aladdin and being wheeled into its mouth and NOPE TIMES INFINITY.
Sweeney: TERROR. I was raised in a “HOSPITALS, WUT?” religion, so I’m just going to go ahead and assume that’s what that machine actually looks like and that TV has lied to me, because that’s where I get all my medical knowledge.
Lor: Seem legit.
Buffy starts to tersely respond to her sister, but notes that Dawn, like the Snark Ladies, is just talking uncomfortably to distract from the fact that this is fucking sad.
At the Magic Box, Tara and Giles are looking over his ad in the Yellow Pages. “Your one stop spot to shop for all your occult needs.” Tara calls it catchy if a little hard to read. Anya, Xander, and Willow arrive and we see Giles repeating his little slogan to himself. Xander is saying that it’s rude not to wait for your co-destroyers once you set a destroy all vampires date, alluding to Riley’s solo vampire mission last episode. It’s okay if you forgot that portion of the episode because you were busy paying attention to important things like biceps and barrel jumps.
K: Or, you know, because anything ever is more important than Riley. It’s okay for me to say that. Even Buffy agrees, as this episode will further show.
Lor: Xander tries to call for Giles’s opinion on the subject.
Sweeney: +1. That was perfection.
Lor: Anya gets super excited about the ad in the phone book thinking she’s mentioned in it (she isn’t) but Xander keeps talking about Riley blowing up the tomb full of vampires by himself. Giles calls that reckless, but he points out that they should be happy they missed the confrontation. Anya agrees, adding that she certainly did not want to start her day with a slaughter. Then she gets all proud-Anya on us as she reflects on that bit of personal development.
K: Bless…
Lor: Giles quickly redirects them to research duty. They are still trying to identify Glory. Willow says it’d be nice if they knew where to find her, and Xander guesses a gross sewer or old church, mostly as a way to segue magic us over to a froofy hotel room.
Glory is lounging on a bed and before her, some sort of green-ish, demon, monk thing who could benefit from a powerful moisturizer, is flattering her and presenting her with a long lost incantation. It is during this exchange that Glory officially gives her name as Glory. She asks the Flattery Demon if the spell will work, because if it doesn’t, she’ll kill him. Flattery assures her that it will, if she has the other ingredients. Glory walks over to her open phone book and rips out the page with the Magic Box ad, saying she’ll certainly have everything she needs. Roll credits.
Riley finds the door ajar at the Summers’ home so he lets himself in. He hears a noise upstairs and we cut there to see Spike sniffing one of Buffy’s sweaters. Oh, Spike. Honey. Stop it. It’s daylight outside, baby doll. Stop risking your life for sweater sniffing. Go take a nap. (K: A+.)
Spike is interrupted mid-sniff appreciation by Riley asking WTF he’s doing. Spike not too subtely hides the sweater behind his back and turns the question around on Riley. Spike is extremely good at turning attention away from himself. Riley says he’s looking for the girl that get to arm ripping when she finds out Spike was in her bedroom. Riley spots the sweater and asks if Spike was just sniffing it. Spike admits he was, after a second, saying it’s purely predator stuff. You know. Knowing your enemies scent and stuff.
It’s a good thing he’s just so funny while he’s being creepy!
Riley doesn’t think so, though, so he grabs Spike by the shirt and starts leading him out. Spike manages to grab a pair of underwear while he’s being dragged out of the room. Yeah, whetting the appetite of a predator, I’m sure. Downstairs, Spike says he knows the slayer wouldn’t mind him being there. I find it awfully funny (and telling) that he often calls her “the slayer.”
Anyhow, Riley finds it hard to believe Buffy would be okay with a little sweater sniffing, so Spike tells him all about how they spent the night before buying each other drinks. Riley is all, “oh yeah? Tell me another,” which is probably the worst thing he could’ve said. Spike asks why Buffy never took his name off the guest list even though she’s had two more of those de-invite vampire rituals. Riley lamely offers, “because you’re harmless.” Spike retorts with something just short of, “I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I?”
What do you got, a piercing glance? Face it, white bread. Buffy’s got a type, and you’re not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she doesn’t like you, but sorry Charlie, you’re just not dark enough.
I mostly quoted that because it makes fun of Angel’s forehead which is never not hilarious.
K: I’m pretty sure it’s less “making fun of Angel’s forehead” and more “making fun of Riley for not being a vampire”, but whatevs. I mostly just love it because Spike says “She likes us dangerous…” etc. US. As in he knows Buffy doesn’t have feelings for him, but he’s not giving up hope. BRB, having residual Fool For Love feels…
Lor: That makes super sense. Apparently I’m just going to see Angel jokes everywhere and feel okay about taking shots.
Riley’s had enough, so he shoves Spike outside into the sunlight. Spike yells for him to bring him back in, because he’s starting to sizzle. Riley growls that he’s the one that knows what Buffy needs. Spike: Oh yeah? That’s why you’re with her at hospital right now, giving her what she needs? Riley pulls Spike back in and asks what he’s talking about. In an almost feeling voice, Spike shares that Joyce is sickly and they took her to the hospital for testing. Then he’s back at it, though, needling Riley. Riley throws him out into the sun again, where Spike yells for his blanket. Riley kicks it out to him.
K: I sometimes wonder what this show sounds like to people who don’t watch it. This was very definitely one of those moments…
Sweeney: More importantly: I think we just earned some “UGH. SUNLIGHT” shots, right?
Lor: YEP. Some of those too!
Buffy is pacing at the hospital when Riley finds her. He explains that he heard about Joyce and thought she might need him. Buffy hugs him and says she’s glad, because she does. She starts to excuse herself for not telling him before, but Riley waves away her worries. She is about to go talk to Joyce about the CAT scan and asks Riley to sit with Dawn in the waiting room while she does.
Inside Joyce’s room, the doctor excuses himself to go check on the status of the OR. Buffy asks about that and Joyce leads off with how lucky she is there is one available on such short notice. She then explains that she “has a shadow.” She needs a biopsy to know what it is. Buffy hugs her, and she breaks a little when she says that the doctors say it’s too early for concern. That is one of those lines that seems designed to cause the most concern. (K: YUP.) Buffy smiles uncertainly at her mother, but when she turns back to the scans on the wall, that concern is written all over her face. Willow’s voice cuts in with a, “I just wish we knew what we were dealing with.”
Cut to the Magic Box where the Scoobies are having no luck with their research. Tara suggests that maybe Glory isn’t in the books, and isn’t a demon, spirit or sorcerer. She thinks maybe they are dealing with something so old, it predates the written word.
K: Awww. I love how back in episode 6, Tara was all “I want to be useful to the Scoobies!”, and here she is, being useful to the Scoobies.
Lor: Willow makes the next hop in logic and remembers the Dagon Sphere which was created to repel “that which cannot be named.” Giles suggest this phrase means they are dealing with something so old, it predates language.
Xander celebrates the end of reading time, but Giles is more concerned with the lack of resources. They don’t know where she’ll turn up next, meaning she’s standing right behind Giles with a jaunty soundtrack to boot. She curtly demands her items and Giles quickly helps her and then continues with the GET IT?! BECAUSE SHE’S RIGHT HERE! comments about how she could be anywhere.
K: That tricksy Voldemort…
Lor: At the hospital, Dawn has fallen asleep on a chair and Riley sweetly covers her with his dookie colored jacket. Joyce’s doctor comes out to announce that the procedure went fine. When Buffy asks about the results, the doctor suggests they sit down and Buffy’s all, “YOU SIT, BITCH.” She apologizes for snapping and says she’s been sitting for long enough. She just wants the news.
Joyce has a brain tumor.
A MOTHER FREAKING BRAIN TUMOR, YOU GUYS. WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME? I HATE YOU ALL. SHE’S GOING TO DIE, I JUST KNOW IT. I CAN’T HANDLE THIS. And as the doctor’s voice fades out, we cut to black, giving me a good chance to pause and go find some food to invest my emotions in.
Sweeney: A solid plan. We’ll have to have a cupboard of junk food installed by the couch of feels.
Lor: 100,000 calories later, the doctor is back to further ruin my life with a list of symptoms such as loss of vision and muscle control and explaining that this will all progress quickly. The doctor explains that there isn’t much to do until they determine if the tumor is operable. If it isn’t, there are other treatments to consider. The doctor says that 1 out of 3 patients with Joyce’s condition does fine and Buffy’s signature, wide-eyed, tear filled reaction is too much.
K: Telling a 19 year old that her mother has a brain tumour and immediately following it with “Oh, and BTW, 66% of people with this pretty much DIE” just serves as proof that authority figures in this show are the actual worst.
Lor: Doctor Actual Worst keeps asking questions and is clearly not able to see that she is in no condition to answer them. Intern Ben shows up, though, to let him know he’s needed elsewhere.
Intern Ben sits next to Buffy and says that she looked like she needed a break. So, he’s sitting down next to her and getting credit for his totally selfless little act just now. I NEED TIME, BEN. I mean, Buffy does. Ahem.
Ben does tell her to go home, though, as her mom will be out for a few more hours. Now would probably be the best time to ask: WHO ARE YOU BEN? Seriously, why is this guy still on my screen?
K: Spoilers, sweetie.
Lor: Always.
After Ben is gone, Riley comes over and gives her a hug. Buffy is doing her twitchy, freaking out thing. She says she needs to find a healing spell or something that will help. Riley tries to ground her in reality, but at this point, that isn’t what she wants to hear, so he backs off. B is going to go talk to Giles and she asks Riley to drop Dawn off at school, and to withhold the diagnosis from her for now.
Sweeney: Deliberately withholding information always goes so well on TV!
Lor: Magic Box. Anya is going through a list of receipts and she finds something fishy. She starts exclaiming until the gang all run over to her. See, Giles sold someone a Khul’s Amulet and a Sobekian Blood Stone.
K: In mine, it would say “McGonagalls the shit out of things”, because I like to relate stuff to other stuff as much as possible.
Sweeney: I think simplicity is key in Lor’s Secret Buffy Wiki, but I do appreciate all the opportunities you’re giving us to use the “We’re taking everyone to Hogwarts” tag in this post.
Lor: Giles starts to pooh-pooh their concern since the Sobekian spells are long lost and since the young woman he sold those items to would have to have enormous power. He realizes his mistake mid sentence, and Willow helps the slower viewers at home by repeating, “young woman?” And Xander still doesn’t get it.
Riley and Dawn are having ice cream in front of a carousel. Riley laments that he isn’t making things better for her. I really feel for Riley in this situation because he’s being so nice and supportive. Dawn relives a memory of her 10th birthday party at the carousel. I spend most of it thinking about how it’s a fake memory. A brilliantly fake memory.
Sweeney: +1. Now that we know about Dawn, these moments are wonderful demonstrations of the depth of the magic that made Dawn, and how clever and well thought out that hasty-feeling device was. (This, btw, reminds me of everyone LOLing at us for thinking Wolfram & Hart are carrying out plans from their Terrible Plans 101 textbook.)
Lor: Dawn tears a little as she freaks about her mom not getting better. Riley assures her that Summers women are strong. Dawn smiles and thanks him, saying she’s happy he’s here, and that she knows Buffy is too. She tries to expound on this thought, but ends up probably making things worse for Riley when she notes that Buffy doesn’t get all worked up over Riley the way she used to get over Angel.
K: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwkward…
Sweeney: Womp. She tried…
Lor: Back the Magic Box, the Scoobies are all around a table as Buffy is telling them they have to look for a mystical cure. Willow carefully tells her that they will look, but that she’s never seen anything like that. Giles adds that the mystical and the medical don’t mix and that the human mind is very delicate. Tara says they could make things a lot worse for Joyce. Anya’s addition is of the foot-in-mouth variety as she notes that they’ve already done enough making things worse for one day. Buffy wants to know what she means and Xander tries to backtrack. Even though Anya eventually catches on, and tries to downplay, Buffy isn’t having it.
Again, in tandem, they tell the story of how Glory walked right into the store and bought some witchy-juju for making a big monster. Anya explains that the Sobekites were snake worshipers. Xander laments their snake run-ins.
K: A+.
Sweeney: ABSOLUTELY. YES.
Lor: Anyways, the long and short of it is that they’ve deduced that Glory is going to transmogrify a cobra but they aren’t sure why. Buffy jumps up to go kill it now, and the gang protests because they forgot the last five seasons where they go, “No, Buffy! It’s too dangerous!” and Buffy goes, “but no.” Add to that the fact that our girl is feeling helpless in her personal life, and well, off she goes.
We cut to the Sunnydale Zoo, where Xander once became a hyena. Never forget. (I just clicked on that link and Kirsti says in the second line of the post that the Sunnydale Zoo is never mentioned after 1×06. LOOK KIRSTI!)
K: I totally forgot about this episode! Also, I’m pretty sure they used the exact same shot from 1×06…
Lor: Inside the cobra exhibit, Glory is breaking out a cobra from his glass enclosure. (K: Thus furthering my theory that she’s the reincarnation of Voldemort) The Flattery Demon starts chanting while Glory starts incanting. She pauses in the middle to point out how overwritten incantations are, and to allow Buffy a proper moment to pun into the scene. Buffy gets a few good kicks and head bashes in, because she caught Glory off guard, but Glory is soon beating Buffy’s ass. Glory finishes the incantation and the product is another terrible snake monster worthy of its predecessors.
K: It’s like Nagini, except with arms. And really lame.
Sweeney: Way less bad ass than Nagini. Try again, Glory.
Lor: Buffy comes to and manages to hobble out just as Glory tells her cobra to use its super special shroudy vision to see hidden things and go find her the hidden key. I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what she says. She’s pretty excited about this plan.
At the Magic Box, Giles and Xander tell Riley about Buffy running off to find Glory. Riley thinks this is crazy, but Xander turns it around on him, and his crazy solo-grenade-mission into that tomb of vampires. Xander psychologies him, and asks if he knows what kind of action he’s looking for. Riley shifts around uncomfortably before letting himself out.
Sweeney: He’s all, “If, uh, she needs me…” and trails off in a very, “Right. Not going to happen,” sort of way. I want to point out that this would be a bummer if my feels weren’t already otherwise occupied. Sorry, Riley.
Lor: Cheesy Cobra prowls around a cathedral.
Buffy calls Giles to let him know that she wasn’t able to stop Glory and that the Cheesy Cobra is on the loose. Plus, Dawn’s on her way to the Magic Box, so Giles has to watch her. Buffy is going to stick around the hospital until her mother wakes up.
Tinkly music takes us through a montage: Riley drinks alone at the demon bar. Buffy waits at the hospital. Dawn looks sad. Sandy sits next to Riley at the bar. Buffy sits next to Joyce as she gets her diagnosis and no, I’m not crying, leave me alone. Sandy gets handsy with Riley and he looks wicked uncomfortable but he lets her bite him and drink a bit before he stakes her. Where is Spike to give him a chat about having a death wish?
K: He’s busy sniffing Buffy’s underwear like a creeper. DUH, LOR.
Sweeney: 1430.
Lor: Indeed.
Cheesy Cobra is like… flying?… toward the carousel. He tongue-sniffs the air a bit and we cut back to Buffy arriving at the Magic Box. Dawn gets up right away and hugs Buffy. She sends Dawn to gather her stuff, and checks in with Tara and Giles to see if they’ve seen any giant cobras lately. Willow is just saying she hasn’t when the damn thing busts in through the window. MAGIC BOX DESTRUCTION SHOT!
The Cobra knocks down a shelf that pins Buffy to the floor. Dawn starts shrieking and, like, no one makes a move toward her at all. Thankfully, the Cobra just looks at her and slither-flies away.
Xander runs toward Dawn as Willow wonders why it seemed afraid of Dawn. Buffy is finally able to get up as she tells Giles that the snake knows. Buffy runs out of the store and after the snake and Giles goes off in the opposite direction.
In the ensuing chase, I take a moment to really appreciate the terrible terrificness of season 1. Giles pulls up in his sweet ride and Buffy jumps in. They chase the Cheesy Cobra for a bit before we cut to Glory freaking out about how the snake is taking so long. Also, apparently her full name is Glorificus, but I would go by Glory too.
K: Truth. Also, the CGI of the Cheesy Cobra is like the ACTUAL WORST EVER. Because at one point (possibly in the church??), they show its tail sliding across the ground, and it’s a freaking crocodile tail. But then here, it’s very definitely a snake. And then shortly hereafter, it’s like a lizard or some shit? IDK, I can’t even.
Sweeney: This is the same team that brought us Squiggly Angel. Never change, Terrible Special Effects Team, never change.
Lor: Because we love you.
The Cobra cuts through a park so Buffy has to jump out and go after it on foot. Buffy catches up and jumps on its back and starts choking it with a chain she picked up on the way. The badly CGI’ed pull away shot of this action is really fantastic. I mean, not really fantastic, but you know. Plus, whenever snakes are involved there’s all sorts of phallic things going on, and Buffy is actually riding this snake.
K: She’s not even remotely kidding:
Also, you can buy statues of this event, and in half of them, the Cheesy Cobra is skin coloured, and I snort laughed SO HARD YOU HAVE NO IDEA OMG.
Sweeney: THIS WHOLE COBRA BUSINESS WAS THE ACTUAL BEST. I THINK THE TERRIBLE SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM HAS A NEW CROWNING ACHIEVEMEMENT. Congrats, guys!
Lor: I’m SO HAPPY you all enjoyed it as much as I did.
The snake goes limp, so Buffy relaxes her choke hold. Cheesy Cobra is all, “PSYCH! LOL!” and throws Buffy off it’s back. Buffy punches it in the face, straddles it and then starts murder punching it. Seriously, she kills it with punches.
K: She may want to try adding a left cross into the equation once in a while. She’s relying exclusively on the right jab, and that’s gotta hurt when you’re murdering a snake demon thing. Plus, you don’t want to end up with freakishly uneven arms like Roger Federer, Buff. Maybe just take a leaf out of Neville’s book next time?
Lor: Even after the snake goes limp again, we hear the squishy, anger punches as the camera pulls up and reveals this is all happening not too far from Glory’s cushy hotel.
At the hospital, Joyce is telling Buffy that she wants to talk to Dawn alone. Joyce worries about having scary mom hair, and Buffy tells her she’s beautiful. Buffy lets Dawn into the room and from out in the hall, we see Buffy watching as Joyce cuddles her daughter.
Riley calls out to Buffy. She turns away from her mother’s room and we see Riley wearing the universal sign for, “I let a vampire eat me,” or “my neck is cold” — a turtleneck. Riley tells Buffy she looks beat up, and she clarifies that it’s less the fighting damage kind and more the other kind. Riley hugs her and tells her to let it all out, but she pulls away after a second. She can’t let go, because her family needs her, and if she starts she won’t be able to stop. Riley reaches for her face, to wipe away a tear, but Joyce calls out to her.
She turns and walks into her mother’s room without another word. She closes the door and once again Riley is shut out. In that one scene, their lack of chemistry and emotional tie is so clearly illustrated and it’s heartbreaking, even if I don’t like Riley. He’s done very little wrong other than be wrong for Buffy, and he just keeps trying. It’s a weird place to feel anything for Riley, because this is not the time to be self-involved. What Buffy is going through is on a completely different level, but unfortunately for Riley, this has been building for so long. I think perhaps at this point it’s just painful to watch. I’m over the second hand cringing, and feel like he needs to be put out of his misery.
K: YUP. It’s really hard not to feel for the guy (even though he’s the actual worst AND the King of Bad Decisions), but at the same time, you’re all “Why is he expecting Buffy to make him a priority when she’s just found out that her mother has a brain tumour? Asshat.”
Sweeney: +1 to most of this. I don’t care for Riley, but this is rough. That said, I don’t feel like he’s expecting Buffy to make him a priority. He was hoping he could be useful to Buffy. He wanted to be the one to comfort her. It’s a little selfish, but a pretty forgivable brand of selfishness, all things considered.
Lor: Agreed.
This was such a good episode for moving plots along. Fool for Love was more of a character study and here, in its follow-up, we take a couple more steps forward to wherever season five is taking us.
Glory continues to be an entertaining villain. Even as she bests Buffy, though, it’s clear that she isn’t exactly a super villain. She’s impatient, and incredibly self involved. She’s got an almost Veruca Salt way about her.
I didn’t mention it throughout, but the Flattery Demon’s constant flattery was chuckle-worthy.
I’m not sure how I feel about Spike the Panty Snatcher. That guy is weird.
Overall a pretty solid episode with some very teary moments for me.
Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Joyce gets worse in S05 E09 – Listening to Fear.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
