Sweet Valley High #003 “Playing With Fire” – And seven other things more fun than reading this book.

Previously: Jessica was crowned the queen of something in the last book, and is stuck with Winston as her king. Jessica is in love with Bruce Patman, because he’s rich. And you know, it’s true what they say about having lots of money…

Bigger pockets. winkywinkwink.

—

Lorraine: I’ve kind of decided that I’m going to have to lie to myself about a few things to make sure I don’t kill myself while reading these books.

For example, from as of this moment, I’m pretending that Sweet Valley High is actually Sweet Valley High School of the Performing Arts. You know. One of those pretentious schools where everyone dances and they break out in song in the hallways like they show us in the movies.

Why? Because we open the third book at YET ANOTHER FREAKIN’ DANCE. THREE BOOKS. THREE DANCES. Did you guys have weekly dances because I’m pretty damn sure we had like one a year at my school. And they threatened to take it away all the time.

Sara: No way! They threatened to take away our dances all the time, too! (And they threatened to suspend students for dancing like hos, but I’m pretty sure that never happened.)

Lor: LOL. A ho suspension. I’m going to start using that in real life like all the time.

Anyways, over at the SVH School of Performing Arts (humor me) they are having a dance competition, where Jessica is forced to attend with Winston since they are the reigning king and queen of… fall? And stuff? This is the most detestable thing to Jess because Win is average looking and funny. Jess prefers her men gorgeous and bland, thankssomuch.

We are quickly shown that Todd is still sour over the fact that Jessica lied about everything back in the first book, like the fact that Liz was a whore, or the fact that he tried to rape Jess. Elizabeth is all, “oh, you’re exaggerating. Jess isn’t hurting anyone.”

zzzEnid is somewhere going, “bitch, please.”

Sara: For once, I’m siding with zzzEnid.

Lor: I don’t really get what we’re suppose to believe about Elizabeth here, with all her blind defense of Jessi-caca. It’s not proving that she’s loyal or pure hearted or whatever other angelic bull they seem to want to shove down our throats about her. She’s just annoying! Liz: your sister is a bitch. #dealwithit

Moving right along, Jessica is in love with Bruce Patman, in case you hadn’t heard.
The Droids are Sweet Valley’s hottest band, in case you hadn’t heard.
Elizabeth is four minutes older, in case you hadn’t heard.

Oh, hey look, we interrupt all this stuff we already know to introduce to you a new character! Robin Wilson. Okay, SVH, I’m interested. Tell me more. Okay, she’s a little clingy on Jess. Well… who in this universe isn’t, AMIRITE? Tell me more. She “shows up at inopportune times?” Like… she just shows up while you’re taking a poop? Not sure what they wanted to mean here, but fine, tell me more about this “Robin.”

Oh… Wait… She’s overweight. Everyone, meet Robin, Sweet Valley’s only overweight person to date. Put her down with Kelly’s (Sweet Valley’s only bar), Tricia’s dad (Sweet Valley’s only drunk), Winston (Sweet Valley’s only unattractive male) and the Droids (Sweet Valley’s only band.)

Sara: Ew.

Lor: What do we think of overweight people in Sweet Valley? Within seconds of introducing her we’re definitely going to call her “Miss Tubby.” Definitely. That just happened in a book geared toward tweens.

Sara: At least now I know who to blame for my weight issues. Haiii, Fat!Sara, haiiiiii.

Lor: Anyhow, there’s this dance competition and Jess is dying to win. Shocker. She begs Liz to dance like one of the “frans” from the Rebecca Black video, because God forbid Liz win and not Jessica.

Winston can’t dance, though, so Jess is pissed. Bruce sees the insanity slowing taking over Jessica’s face and steps in. The two of them dance perfectly perfect in perfect perfectness, Jessica’s panties melt off and Bruce is just pretty happy when they win the competition.

The entire time Liz won’t mind her damn business and is watching Jessica, talking to herself, keeping count of how many sodas Winston is drinking and praying to baby Jesus that Bruce doesn’t likelike Jess because he is bad news.

AND JESS IS A SAINT? Dude. They kind of deserve each other.

Emily, the drummer for the Droids tells Liz that some mysterious man in leather pants watched them play at the dance and wants to make them famous. Liz is all, “you sure?” Emily is all, “thanks for the vote of confidence. I’m sure.”

Sara: Some mysterious man in leather pants, watching high school kids a little too intently? Mr. CreepyCollins, is that you??

Lor: Ken, of the boring I-didn’t-really-sleep-with-my-teacher subplot fame, is throwing an after-dance-party. Because we can never have too many celebrations in Sweet Valley. Jess and Winston are supposed to go together but she dumps his ass in favor of Bruce and his muscles and money.

This hurts Winston’s feelings but it hurts Liz’s feelings even more. She just will not mind her own damn business. Todd is all, “You realize Jess is gonna do whatever the hell she wants, right?” and Liz is all, “You’re right… BUT HOW CAN I STOP HER?”

Then Todd wonders why, if Liz isn’t putting out, never listens to him and is dumb as rocks, he is dating her at all. I know, Todd. I know.

Bruce is being really creepy around Jess. He says stuff like, “we could have a real good time together,” over and over and over again and you just know that the “winkywinkywink” is implied. He also tells a really grating story about getting pulled over and giving the cop $20 to get out of it. I’d like to take this moment to mention that Sara Nipples totally has a crush on this guy. Ahem. 

Sara: A man who can get me out of speeding tickets is a man who can get me out of my pants.

Lor: Jess puts on a red bikini and she joins Bruce in the lake. They start making out and there’s a lot of mention of moisture, what with the kisses and the lake. And then! AND THEN! Bruce just takes off Jessica’s bikini top, right there in the lake where other people are swimming. What in the hell?

Jessica ties her top up but is worried Bruce might think she’s a prude. Bruce pulls a Rick “Danger” Andover move and asks Jess if she’s a giant tease because he doesn’t want to just make-out forever. Jessica feels the pressure to put out and they go into the…forest? Next to this lake? To presumably have sex. I’m not sure if sex exists in Sweet Valley, but I mean, as long as we’re clear that that’s what’s being implied.

Sara: If you have sex in Sweet Valley, you immediately get chlamydia. And die.

Lor: Ho suspension!

Elsewhere, Eliza-stalker is watching as Jess and Bruce get out of the lake. Liz ditches her totally hot, popular boyfriend at a party in favor of peeping her sister in the woods. Dammit Liz. You SUCK. Somewhere Todd is thinking, “I wish she did.”

Liz finds them and then the book describes a ton of heavy breathing and it’s pretty uncomfortable. I mean… is this sex? Are they having sex? DOES SEX EXIST??? Liz is super creepy and watches them for a while and then is all *cough, cough, cough* but that doesn’t really stop Jess and Bruce so she just walks right up to them.

Sara: Does Elizabeth have a fucking masters degree in Cock Blocking? What a creep, yo.

Lor: Jess and Bruce both tell her to get lost. Liz practically begs Jess to come with her, as she has a very serious problem. Caca is like, “sucks for you! Hope you don’t die. I’ll be here making out with money- I MEAN- Bruce.”

As creepy as Liz is right now, the fact that Jess sold her out is kind of mean. Not at all surprising, but I almost feel bad for Liz as she emo-limps away.

Bruce keeps kissing and kissing Jessica and she is starting to feel uncomfortable. You and me both kiddo.

I know that Jess is kissing back but this entire thing is so damn disturbing, I might almost steal Sara’s word and label this “rapekissing.” So, in an effort to distract Bruce, Jess pulls a lie out of her ass and tells Bruce that Liz probably wanted to talk to her because Todd has been cheating on her.

God, I almost for a second hated Liz more, but Jessi-caca strikes again. She has absolutely NO moral code. Instead of being all, “hey can we slow down?” Jess has to lie about her own sister. I hope Bruce has rabid herpes that he’s fond of sharing. This would be another amazing time to point out that Sara Nipples has a crush on this guy.

Sara: Laying in the grass in the middle of a forest filled with bugs and snakes totally turns me on, too. Bruce and I are on the same make out wavelength. Plus I would probably even let him go under the shirt, over the bra. Rawr!

Lor: Jessica gets home really late and Liz is worried and pissed that she had to lie to their mother for her. The girls get into a little tiff.

It’s really anyone’s argument and it ends with Jess stomping off and Liz crying. It’s about time someone cries.

The book gets stupid boring at this point because mostly it’s a lot of Jessica swooning over Bruce and being embarrassingly stuck on him. They also kiss a whole lot. Jesus. Is this what 16 was like? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I like kissing. I also like the dinner salad, as long as I’m getting the main course and dessert afterward, ifyouknowwhatImean. Okay, okay, I know they are 16. But there’s just so many ways the author can tell us that they are kissing for a really long time.

Jessica skips Chem class, and there is lots of dialogue about the “chemistry” between Bruce and Jess and excuse me while I dry heave in the corner.

Sara: These ghostwriters! They’re so hilarious! And witty! And oh, the biting commentary! One day, we’ll be as professional as they are, Lor. One day….

Lor: It’s bound to happen since we have so much CHEMISTRY.

Next, Jessica skips out on a trip to the mall with Fat!Robin. Fat!Robin shows up at the Wakefield house and Liz feels bad for her. Jess told Fat!R that they would go shopping together for a make-over. Jessica also told Fat!R that Winston totally has the hots for her. Obviously, she does all of this to get Winston off of her own back so she’s free to scam on Bruce. Liz deduces this, feels bad some more, and invites Robin to the gig the Droids are playing for the man in the leather pants.

Jessica skips out on studying for that big chem test. Her plan is to cheat off of Emily, the Droids’s drummer.

Emily, meanwhile, is practicing extra hard for the gig the Droids are playing soon for that guy in leather pants. She has no time to study for chemistry, and consequently fails the test, meaning Jess also fails.

 

I must… kiss you… or.. DIE.

Can we all take a moment and remember that this is the guy Sara has a crush on? Also, can we just decide that this is not going to end well? Okay. Good.

Sara: BRUCE’S KISSES ARE FUCKING MAGICAL, LORRAINE, STOPJUDGINGME.

Lor: Liz sees Winston having lunch and she sits down next to him. They discuss how they fear for Jessica because, hey, did we mention Bruce is bad news? I’m just wondering if you caught that Bruce is bad news. It’s pretty important that you realize that Bruce is bad news.

Elizabeth tells us that Jess has lifted Bruce up to deity status. She even skipped cheer-leading practice to take Bruce’s tennis outfits to the dry cleaner. Then she had to go to the music store to buy Bruce some CD’s he wanted, with her own money.

Oh hell no. No. NO. I’m on team Eliza-stalker now. I’m sorry I told you to mind your own damn business Liz. I mean, maybe you could a little bit, but if your sister is slowly becoming someone’s do girl? You probably have a right to say a little something, no? Right?

I feel like SVH is slowly messing up MY moral, ethical and conduct code. WE’RE ONLY THREE BOOKS IN.

Whatever. I don’t know who’s right. They are both dumb. The end.

Sara: Can we mention the fact that Bruce’s tennis outfit needs to be dry cleaned? Who the hell sends their clothes to the dry cleaner in high school? I guess if I drove a Porsche and wore a sweater tied around my neck, I’d go to the dry cleaner, too?

Also, where is Throat Punch Todd when you need him?

Lor: Not punching people. Sad face.

Win and Liz agree something has to be done, but can’t think of what, so they change the subject. She invites him to the Droids gig they are playing for the man in leather pants. He agrees to go, but then Liz remembers she invited Robin also.

Win gets a little uncomfortable and says, “I get nervous around people who eat all the time.” Because fat people are so, so gross and always have food in their hands, right? I hate you Sweet Valley. I really, really do.

Sara: Fuck you, Sweet Valley. Fuck you in your perfect size six ass.

Lor: Liz promises he doesn’t have to date Fat!R and so he agrees to suck it up and go.

The gig is basically a bust. It’s a seedy place, with a dozen people not paying attention to the music. Fat!Robin can tell that Winston doesn’t like her, and everyone is generally uncomfortable. As they are driving back home, they see a black Porsche pulled on the side of the road with the plate 1bruce1. Any guesses who that is? Anyone? Anyone?

Sara: 1bruce1! Swoon!

Lor: It’s Bruce! Well that’s funny. Jess said they were going to the country club, not to make out on a side of a highway. Huh.

Guys, this book is getting really boring. I have about 50 pages left and here is a list of things I’d rather do:

– Actually play with fire.
– Finally clean out my car. I’m pretty sure I have about 10 empty bottles of water in there and like 3 Bibles. I don’t even know how that happens.
– Listen to my mom keep telling me a story I JUST TOLD HER I already heard. She’s gonna tell it to me anyways.
– Re-read the entire first Nancy Drew.
-Take off this gold nail polish that I’ve been wearing chipped for two weeks.
– Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred.
– Watched “The Bourne Supremecy,” but the version dubbed for the Spanish channel.
– Put pants back on.

DO YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND MY PAIN?

I digress. And I read on, for you.

Todd tells Elizabeth that Bruce is telling everyone at school that Jess is a loosey goose whore. Elizabeth literally covers her ears because she can’t hear one wrong word about Jess. Todd is kind of awesome because he just keeps saying how much he hates Jess. Word.

Sara: Jess IS a loosey goosey whore, though, right? If it looks like a slut and it quacks like a slut….

Lor: Ho suspension!

Jessica is super excited about the big football game coming up. She puts on her cheer-leading outfit but when Bruce sees it, he throws up in his mouth a little. Bruce is all, “did I say you could cheer? Did you ask me permission to go to a football game? I want to go to the beach!” And so Jessica fake cries to her friends about how sick she is to get out of cheering for the big game.

Cry Count
Jessica – 1.5
Elizabeth – 1

Jessica invites Fat!Robin over. She notices that she wouldn’t be bad looking if she just lost some weight. Robin notices a teddy bear on Jess’ bed with the letter of her high school sorority on it. Robin says she’d do anything to join and Jess takes that as her opportunity to trick Robin into doing her household chores.

Yep. Jessica deserves Bruce.

Bruce starts cancelling more and more dates on Jess. The little time they spend together, they spend at the beach having Sweet Valley Sex, which I’m sort of guessing is a lot like dry humping. The book doesn’t say this, but do I even have to tell you that reading one Nancy Drew has pretty much made me a life detective? I didn’t think so.

Jessica wants to go to ANOTHER DANCE the sorority is having, but Bruce wants to spend the day fixing his car and scratching his balls. Jess asks him to please come with her, and he growls at her. Men of Sweet Valley sure do like their animal noises. I waiting for the day someone barks.

Anyhow, Jess tells him that she’ll just go alone and he says she better not. She better stay home, alone, not having fun. Jess obeys.

Ladies and gents: the guy Sara Nipples has a crush on!

Sara: I like a man who can tell me what to do? Aw, fuck it. Let’s be honest. I just like that he’s rich.

Lor: Jessica tells Fat!Robin that she’ll nominate her to rush their sorority if she steals the chemistry test. Fat!R does it and instead of taking the test and memorizing the answers, Jess decides to leave the answers in Emily’s locker so that Emily can cheat and then Jess can cheat off of her.

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST CHEATING PLAN I’VE EVER HEARD.

Jess peer pressures Emily into cheating and since Em’s been practicing so hard for those seedy gigs they’ve been playing for the man in the leather pants, she agrees.

They both cheat and both fail anyways, because even though they stole the old copy of the test, Mr. Russo decided to change some questions around. Ahahahaha.

On top of all that, this entire lame story line about the man in the leather pants is just to tell us that the Droids got punked, because the man in the leather pants doesn’t even work of a label anymore and just wanted to get into the lead singer’s pants. Man. Sucks to be Sweet Valley’s only band, right now, doesn’t it?

Sara: I’m still pretty sold on the man in leather pants being Mr. CreepyCollins.

Lor: At least there’s another party to play! And this time it’s Bruce’s 18th birthday.

Bruce promises Jess a romantic night for his birthday but, as a “surprise” to Jess he actually invites the entire school to a party. Jess is so sad that they won’t spent the night alone together, but she doesn’t actually say anything because we’re going to drag this lame ass story line until the very last page.

At Bruce’s birthday party, he essentially puts Baby Jessica in a corner and ignores her all night. Right when Bruce and Jess are about to leave together, he gets a call about his “grandma” who is “dying” or something. Wonder if it’s from boredom.

He tells Jess he has to go. Liz offers to take Jess home, so he doesn’t have to go out of his way and will have more time to go watch his g-ma die.

But, because every book has to end with Liz coming up with some plan to teach Jess a lesson, whether it be throwing her in a pool, or getting her nominated as queen to Winston’s king, this book too shall end with Liz getting a brilliant idea.

Sara: I can’t believe I seriously used to think that Liz was brilliant. How embarrassing for Elementary School Sara.

Lor: Ho suspension! Sorry. I just really like yelling that out now.

Liz has Todd drive around some and then she “remembers” she “left her keys” back at the party. Sure enough when they drive back up, guess who’s still there? Yep, Sara Nipple’s crushy crush crush, Bruce the prat Patman. And he’s still there with an attractive redhead.

Jess regrows her balls and is all, “oh, hey, is that your grandmother? Nice to meet your grandma. Glad to see the pizza helped you make a miraculous recovery. Oh, Bruce, you look a little pale. Want some miraculous pizza for yourself?”

And she throws pizza in his face. Then she “washes it down” with a pitcher of soda. And Bruce is all, “calm down, baby,” and Jess is all, “NO ONE PUTS BABY IN A CORNER.”

Sara: You go on, gurl!

Lor: She grabs another pitcher of soda to throw at him, and he tries to run away and ends up tripping in to the fountain at the restaurant. He’s completely humiliated and covered in food stuffs.

I almost slow clapped Jessica, but then I remembered that she put me through 150 pages of utter and absolute crap. So, instead, I’ll give a little head nod in recognition of her pizza smash. Better late than never.

This was a very disappointing cry count, which really just says a lot about the quality of this book

Cry Count
Jessica – 1.5
Elizabeth – 1
The World – 150 times. One good cry for every page. Even the blank one at the end of the book.

 

Next time on Sweet Valley High:  Elizabeth plans on nominating Fat!Robin for their sorority, even if Jess never planned on doing it for reals. A fat girl in a sorority? Find out how that’s even possible in  #4 – Power Play.