Pretty Little Liars S01 E19 – Never trust anyone of voting age.

Previously: The girls got punked by A, delivering fake evidence to the police, re-adding them to the suspect list.
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A Person Of Interest

Sweeney: We begin the episode with shots of the girls being separately interrogated. They’ve told the cops about the Someone Wants To Kiss Ali – Extended Edition that they received, featuring special guest Creepy Ian. They all lie for Spencer when asked if they knew of Ian being with any other younger girls.

Lorraine: Aw. I mean, I’m not aw-ing lying to the police, but just that they all do it for their friend.

Sweeney: Also, rape culture rage break: the cop makes a point of pointing out that Ian was a star athlete as part of why this would never be a thing that would happen because men who are star athletes are inherently good men, OBVS.

Lor: After I watched this episode, I had a little rage fest with Sara and this was one of the things that pissed me off. SERIOUSLY MR. POLICE OFFICER?

Sara: Because, sure. There’s never. any. instance. of popular high school athletes raping girls. The worst thing about this scene, for me, is thinking about the girls who have actually had to deal with cops like this. They aren’t just invented for Traumaland; these horrible people exist in real life.

Sweeney: EXACTLY. That theme is pervasive across our culture and I’d only add that cops are just one small slice of the larger cultural fail it represents. I’m glad this made everyone else as furious as it made me.

Outside, the parents are all congregating and doing their parenting thing. It’s swell. Meanwhile, Emily’s showing off her biblical knowledge, pointing out that Jesus was the one who said, “The truth will set you free.” (L: Em’s after my Jesus points!) Hanna quotes our favorite probably deceased sociopath: “Sometimes telling the truth does more harm than good.”

Their chatter is interrupted by a dude named Garret who is a friend that they have just learned is a cop. Garret is pulled aside by his boss to be put on child stalking duty, just to make sure that we know the girls can’t trust anyone ever.

Lor: But especially if they are of voting age or above.

Sara: And the girls are being investigated because… they brought something that looked suspicious to the police? Tax-payer dollars hard at work!

Sweeney: Powerpuff eyes. Shh.

After the credits, Spencer comes downstairs to find her parents who have now decided that Spencer needs to get put in therapy. For Spencer’s sake, I hate the implied lack of trust. That said, based on the events of season one, every single one of these girls needs to be put in therapy. As Spencer starts crying, Melissa and Ian come in to be fake supportive. Spencer continues to accuse Ian and Melissa calls her sick. They storm out. I want to punch everyone for Spencer.

Lor: AGREED. Granted, we’re more sensitive to Spencer because we know the truth but the way her parents handled this was cold. She says she’s scared every day, and they basically respond with, “you so crazy, girl.” MORE RAGE.

Sara: YOU GUYS SRSLY. If your teenage daughter comes to you and says she is scared every day, you should probably have a freaking conversation with her instead of sticking up for the guy that has been living in your house for all of THREE WEEKS and is busy impregnating your other daughter with a demon spawn who will most likely be a murderer just like him. Ugh. MariskaMom lost all points she earned from yelling at Detective Wilden a few weeks ago. You are negative points now, lady.

Sweeney: I still love her too much to move her to negative points. I don’t fault them for thinking she’s crazy and in need of therapy. In the real world, I’d put all four of these girls in therapy. As Lor said, we’re extra-sensitive because we know the truth. They don’t. They aren’t out of line in thinking Ian’s innocent and she’s cray. What I find so infuriating is how they handled that conversation with her.

At the Rosewood HS locker room, Paige has an awkward run-in with Emily, who she has been avoiding, though she pretends this isn’t the case. Emily tries to make Paige talk about the part where she kissed her, but Paige wants to pretend it didn’t happen.

Our beloved Spencer is dropping Toby off at a motel of some sort so he can hide out from Jenna, who is mad at him for the phone theft incident. His parents are out of town, putting them on my negligent parent shit list because HEY! REMEMBER HOW YOUR SON WAS RECENTLY ACCUSED OF MURDER? Wherever you had to go can’t be that important. Anyway, Spencer and Toby commiserate over how unpleasant being home currently is for both of them.

As Spencer goes to leave, she hears the flutes of feels coming from a hotel room!

 

Lor: I love you so much, Sweeney.

Sweeney: Spencer investigates. When she knocks on the door of room 214 — where the flutes are coming from — the music stops. She creeper peers through the window and spots the green bag she saw Ian give Jenna.

Back at the Marin household, Hanna lets Caleb out of the basement when Mama Marin goes for a shower and they have a cute little exchange in which she plays house and he gets a little feelsy to remind us that Hanna is still a virgin and Caleb is a Bad Boy Man Whore. This is interrupted by Mama Marin coming downstairs to yell at Hanna because the toilet seat was left up again. Caleb flees in time, but Hanna still gets chewed out for the fact that Caleb was obviously there last night, “in the no boy zone.” If only you knew, Mama Marin.

At school, Aria goes into Ezrafitz’s room and looks like she’s about to get flirty, before she realizes that he’s in there with Jenna. She gets CONCERNED FACE and then gets a text from A.

Ezrafitz and Jenna hear the text. Jenna says she was just leaving and shows herself out. Ezrafitz explains that Jenna was there because she is submitting a short story to a contest, and he thinks she has a chance of winning and is quite excited for her, you know, because he acknowledges that the rest of his students are children he’s paid to educate/mentor. Aria’s there to suggest they cook that night, but Ezrafitz wants to talk more about Jenna’s supposedly fictional story about a blind person who “sees” more than other people think and exposes all their secrets and stuff.

For reasons that make no sense, Ezrafitz also asks if The Jenna Thing was really Toby’s fault and she gets real uncomfortable because it wasn’t and also because as far as Ezrafitz is concerned, how the fuck should she know? (S: +1) Anyway, Ezrafitz says that the story suggests that it wasn’t an accident and Aria gives one of her patented shrugs.

 

Lor: Discussing other student’s business with his student girlfriend is yet another reason I cannot stand Ezrafitz.

Sara: And this is a pretty delicate topic to be sharing with a 16 year old who can’t keep her damn mouth shut. For all he knows, Jenna is a lovely girl who didn’t rape her stepbrother for years.

Sweeney: As if we needed further proof that Ezrafitz is the actual worst.

Emily opens her locker and a note from Paige falls out, giving her an address where she wants to meet at 7. Spencer and Hanna walk up, discussing the latest developments: Spencer’s parents think she’s cray and also she thinks Ian and Jenna are in room 214 at the motel. Hanna’s pretty over the mystery solving for the moment, having recently spent the night at Rosewood PD.

Spencer spots Stalker Cop Garret in the halls and goes to tell him to follow up with the Hilton Head thing, since she knows it’s legit. He says he’s waiting for a manger to call him back. That shit took Spencer five minutes, but this is our typically inept Traumaland Police at work. (S: HILAR.) Stalker Cop asks Spencer why Ian would want Ali dead and Spencer shares her current theory: Ali was about to tell Melissa about their affair.

Aria is in the bathroom when Blind Jenna appears and knows that Aria is other one in the bathroom because of her probably not actually being blind. She jokes about the personal interest Ezrafitz takes in his students and also suggesting 1984 because “Big Brother’s always watching you.” I’m distracted because bits of her Australian accent are showing here.

Sara: I lovelovelove Jenna fucking with Aria about Ezrafitz. I think we’re supposed to hate Jenna for it, but I just want to high five her. And you know she wouldn’t miss on account of probably not actually being blind.

Sweeney: Oh, I agree entirely. Sometimes I get angry with the way the show tries to manipulate us against Ezria’s ~*haters*~, but I love that this backfires, because Jenna fucking with Aria is hilarious.

Spencer arrives at Toby’s hotel room and is super excited about all her stakeout materials, which includes coffee. Toby suggests she cool it with the coffee. They run outside and find a maid, who they have to bribe to get into room 214 because Toby is an idiot and didn’t know to say, “Yes,” when asked if it was their room. They search the room and find the bag in the closet, but it’s empty.

Back at Hanna’s place, she offers the choice of noms or laundry, but Caleb would rather start with face noms. This is interrupted by Mama Marin, who is cock blocking us all with her parenting. Rude. She found Caleb’s stuff and is understandably angry. Granted, she uses the fact that he fixed their kitchen cabinet against him. Weird. Anyway, she kicks him out. Hanna begs for permission to let him stay the night because it’s getting late. Mama Marin refuses, so Hanna runs out after Caleb.

Emily arrives at the address Paige left her and it’s a way the fuck off the beaten path country dive bar of sorts. It’s indicative of the way I describe my town to people, even if I’ve never actually been to a bar like that here. Inside, Paige admits that she was avoiding Emily. She also admits that Emily was the first girl she kissed. They chat about Emily’s kisses — Maya and Alison. Paige decides that Emily has a type — ballsy women.

Lor: Ye-yeah. I’m not digging Paige so far.

Sara: And they’re both such awkward actresses that this scene felt weird the whole way through for me.

Sweeney: At the Den of Pedophilia, Aria has set out dinner with candles and wine glasses is wearing a slinky dress. Ezrafitz keeps talking about Jenna’s story and asking Aria weird questions about Jenna, which Aria’s not into.

Sara: How dare he talk about another 16 year old while on a date with his 16 year old girlfriend!

Sweeney: Pedolationship etiquette, man! Learn about it.

Elsewhere, Hanna Marin is setting up a tent and telling Caleb to just sit by the campfire and look pretty. She continues to be all majorly woodsy and he finally asks her to explain where this unexpected personality came from. She confesses that she spent five summers at fat camp because her nickname was Hefty Hanna. He says she didn’t have to tell him that, but she wants him to know who she is. This prompts Caleb to give his whole tragic parental abandonment story. The last thing he heard from his mother was a birthday card she sent him from Arizona on his 10th birthday. With that, Hanna kisses him.

Backwoods Dive Bar. It’s also a karaoke bar. I lied — I have been to a bar just like this but smaller in my town. Paige is doing an adorably terrible version of Pink’s, “So What.” She coerces Emily to come up and join her and they’re cute.

Sara: Karaoke will never not make me cringe.

Sweeney: Well, I thought it was cute, so whatever. Speaking of cute, Spencer and Toby are playing Scrabble in his motel. She tries to be nonchalant but is totally gloating about playing “glyceraldahyde” for 96 points. This sets Toby up for playing “goofball” for 104 points. Spencer now tries to pretend she’s not pissed. I’m not sure why Ezrafitz cast her in that play because in spite of being perfect, acting is not her strong suit.

Toby points out as nonchalantly as possible (see also: not very) that Spencer’s proper but adorable clothing is probably not comfortable. He goes into the bathroom and changes in full view of the crack in the door so that all of us — I mean SPENCER! — can get a nice view of the abs.

Lor: NOPE. ALL OF US. HIS ABS ARE DELICIOUS.

Sara: I WISH I OWNED MORE EYEBALLS SO I COULD STARE MORE.

Sweeney: Another Pink song plays as we get moody shots of Paige and Emily in the parking lot, Spencer laying down in bed next to a sleeping Toby, and the Hanna and Caleb starting to have sex in their tent.

Sara: I wish my first time was with Caleb in a tent…

Sweeney:

After a Not Commercial Break it’s the next day and Aria and Emily are being cute teenage girls hanging out in Emily’s room. Emily’s being secretive about a text from Paige because she’s still undecided on that subject. The cute is interrupted, as usual, but chatting about Aria’s pedolationship. Aria explains that she’s avoiding Ezrafitz because she hates lying each time he brings up Jenna’s story. Then Emily gets lots of awesome friend points for saying, “THEN BREAK UP BECAUSE IT’S INAPPROPRIATE.” Kidding, of course. Not about the friend points, though — Emily says that if Aria trusts Ezrafitz, then she does too, opening the door for her to come clean. That seems only fair, given that the bulk of A’s Aria-harassment is actually about getting him fired/arrested.

Lor: I was about to say that Ezra should definitely know if he was in danger of being fired or arrested BUT OH YEAH, HE SHOULD KNOW THAT, BECAUSE HE IS DATING HIS MINOR STUDENT.

Sweeney: Back at the hotel room, Spencer wakes up first, to find herself playing big spoon to Toby’s sleeping little spoon. (S: Of course Spence would be the big spoon.) She awkwardly sneaks her arm out from under his and he wakes as she gets up. Conveniently, just then, they hear those flutes of feels playing from the room next door. Inside they see they find that the flute is just a recording and also there’s a note from A. Toby’s not yet on the “allowed to know” list so his DAFUQ? goes unanswered.

Passion Pit takes us over to Emily and Paige at their picnic. They’re having a good time, but at the suggestion of going to a concert together, it turns sour. Paige can’t do that because they might get seen there. Emily gets it, but given how recently she was ashamed of being a lesbian, she’s afraid of what sneaking around will do to her emotionally.

Aria arrives at the Den of Pedophilia and admits that she has been avoiding Ezrafitz, then anxiously launches into her confession, which we don’t actually hear because we can assume it’s basically a summary of the last 18 episodes. We’ll cut back there later for the end of the story with Aria crying and Ezrafitz saying it’s fine. I’m telling you now so I don’t have to mention it again later.

Mama Marin is hanging up with someone about looking for Hanna, who walks in just then. Hanna is not up for talking to Mama Marin, because she thinks that Mama Marin of all people should get where he’s coming from, having been lucky to get out of her situation, which has yet to be explained to us, but we can assume it was Caleb-ish. Speaking of Caleb, Hanna’s phone rings and since she’s already gone upstairs to take a shower, Mama Marin answers.

Back at the motel, Spencer’s apologizing for their stakeout failing. Toby says it was fun to kick her ass at Scrabble and then kisses her and I genuinely flailed. This show inspires shippertastic feels. (L: YEP.) (S: TIMES THREE.) Toby goes back inside and she calls after him that it was not a complete ass-kicking.

At the Marin home, Ashley is making dinner and Caleb thanks her. MY GOODNESS I LOVE THIS WOMAN. She invited him to dinner for Hanna’s sake, she says, and also offers to let him stay there in the guest room for a short time. Letting the delinquent boy from the wrong side of the tracks stay in your guest room? That’s the actual ultimate in Sandy Cohen Eyebrows! ALL THE EYEBROWS, MAMA MARIN!

Lor: Bonus points for threatening to kill him if he hurts our Hanna.

Sweeney: After dinner, everyone goes upstairs to bed and Caleb says goodnight to Mrs. Marin, who tells him that he can call her Ashley. With that, Caleb goes outside to call someone and tell them that he can’t do it any more and that “she” (Hanna…) probably isn’t even the person who this mystery someone thinks she is. FUCKING HELL, SHOW. I mean, yes, you implied Caleb’s shadiness from the start, but I hate that you’re dropping this on us right after Hanna gave up her v-card and this is inevitably going to lead to Hanna finding out in the worst possible way so COOL. Awesome. Thanks. I hate you.

Spencer returns home to find Melissa sitting in the kitchen looking full of feels. She cries and confesses that she was the one who was with Ian at Hilton Head. She says he lied to protect her because they went there together to have an abortion. Just then, her parents walk in to say that the cops are there because they know that she lied about seeing Ian. That’s Stalker Cop Garret’s cue to appear in the hallway, standing ominously.

Lor: NO NO NO. Spencer was NOT seeing Ian. IAN WAS STATUTORY RAPING HER. I HATE THIS. Also, if Melissa is lying for Creepy Ian, fuck her forever.

Sweeney: THIS. This shit is so infuriating. I’m torn between liking all the adorable frivolous shit on this show and being really. fucking. sad. about the messages it sends. I mean, that Troian gifset we love so much? That was a grown ass woman reporter accusing Spencer of “stealing people.” I can’t even with this shit.

Emily gets an S.O.S. text from Spencer. She meets Aria and Hanna, standing outside Spencer’s house in the dark. That is, of course, A’s cue to send them all a text: “Breaking News, Bitches: Spencer Hastings now a Person of Interest in my death. -A.” Gold stars both for A and Emily, who was the one who read that line of the text out loud.

Sara: Just so we’re clear, Spencer is now a suspect in Ali’s murder because of how she was statutorily raped by her sister’s boyfriend. ALL THE UGH.

Sweeney: A-NONYMOUS: A sitting in a rocking chair eating popcorn while watching a video of the girls receiving the text. These bits have become less informative by the episode. We get it, A — you’re a big Creepy McStalker. Now tell us something new.

 

Next time: The police get their Spencer harassment/investigation underway and we find out more about Caleb’s secret shady dealings on Pretty Little Liars S01 E20 – Someone to Watch Over Me.