Pretty Little Liars S01 E21 – Mom Ranking

Previously: Hanna bitch slapped Jenna and we’d rather remember that than Caleb breaking Hanna’s heart, or Spencer becoming a murder suspect.
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Monsters in the End

Lorraine: This, dearest of Traumateers, is our 400th post. CRAZY.

The episode starts with a creepy ass, clown looking doll thing being carried in the foreground, as we see our group of Pretty Little Liars in the background, eating at Rosewood’s one restaurant. They are doing our fantastic, beginning of episode exposition. This round is about guessing who is making Spencer look like a murderer. Spencer pauses the talk to point out that the creepy ass, clown looking dolls are staring at them from outside, where they are all lined up in a row, facing the restaurant.

Alas, they are for some sort of founder’s festival which will never not remind me of The Vampire Diaries.

 

Sara: Otherwise known as one of my greatest TV guilty pleasures of all time. TEAM DAMON.

Lor: On the show we’re actually watching, Hanna doesn’t even want to hear Caleb’s name, but the other girls think it’s important to know what he found out while snooping on her, as it may tie back to Spencer being a suspect. Hanna agrees to talk to Caleb, for Spencer’s sake. Spencer, meanwhile, is insisting that someone is out there watching them. No one pays attention to her, for whatever reason, but after they leave, we pan back to reveal that officer Garrett was back there.

Sweeney: I guess at a certain point in being round-the-clock stalked, they have to stop giving fucks about the fact that someone is, as usual, watching them.

Lor: Excellent point. Ignore on, girls.

SHHHHH.

At the Hasting’s house, Melissa is taking her prenatal vitamins and telling MariskaMom about how her nurse was asking after all their family dramz. Apparently, all the town is talking about the, ahem, “evidence” against Spencer. Speak of the devil, she comes downstairs just as Melissa says that Spencer may be wearing handcuffs to her baby shower. MariskaMom sees Spencer and tries to distract her with food, but Spence wants to know WTF they were talking about. MariskaMom lies and says they were talking about the Founder’s Festival and how Melissa and Ian will be helping a Mrs. Ackard with the church booth, and they think it’s a good idea if Spencer does too. Helping with the church booth will make her seem less murder-y. Something like that.

Sweeney: Jesus points! Girls with Jesus points don’t get convicted of murder, so you’re safe!

Lor: PHEW and duly noted.

Spencer’s phone rings and Melissa, the bitch, announces that it’s Toby. MariskaMom grabs the phone before Spencer can get to it, and says that she shouldn’t speak to Toby because she has to be careful about her associations. Nosy neighbors are also potential jurors and people still think Toby is creepy.

I get that MariskaMom is trying to help her daughter in a super practical way, I just hate that this is happening to Spencer, so I hate everything about this scene. But especially Melissa’s stupid face.

Sara: Seriously, Melissa. GO MOVE TO MYSTIC FALLS ALREADY.

Sweeney: DOES ANYONE EVER SLAP MELISSA? Because you know we’ll have that giffed 19 ways. Slow motion, black and white, etc. etc. (I’m still thinking about the other 17.)

Lor: SEPIA. 16.

At the Marin House, Hanna is spaced out in front of the open fridge, right until Mama Marin comes into the kitchen and tries to make small talk. Finally, Mama Marin asks why Caleb left in such a hurry, but Hanna only offers that he just did. Mama Marin does a great mom thing, and offers to let Hanna just stay home from school for a day. That would’ve been my cue. I would’ve been back in pajamas before she’d finished that damn sentence.

Sara: My mom was the type to say that wallowing at home would be more embarrassing, because then everyone at school would know I was wallowing at home.

Lor: Yes, but you’d be in pajamas and they would be at school. Invalid argument.

Mona comes in at that point, and after saying that she wishes she’d been a better friend and warned Hanna off of Caleb, they head off to school.

There, Aria stands in front of her locker when Caleb comes up to talk to Hanna. As they chat, PiperMom strolls by, and out of Caleb’s sight, mime-asks Aria if he’s the boy she’s seeing. In that moment she’s so cute I almost forget she keeps dashing the hopes and dreams of her children.

Sara: The contest of Favorite Parent on PLL always comes down to her and Mama Marin, for me. This is pretty dang adorable.

Sweeney: Really? Mama Marin wins no contest for me, but MariskaMom > PiperMom. I’m mad at her for not being properly angry with Ian for the whole statutorily-raped-my-daughter business, but she was also angry that Spencer wasn’t fully honest with them, which is kind of important if she’s going to keep her daughter out of jail. IDK. I think I just give all of her faily parenting a pass because of that one time she told Detective Wilden how out of line every single action he had taken was. I imagine the glow from that will wear off after a few more episodes where she fails to slap Melissa.

But yeah, PiperMom is super precious.

Lor: I love us so much. And also, clearly, want to know how you rank the moms! Tell us in the comments.

Anyways, Aria says Caleb just needs to talk to Hanna.

Paige grabs Emily outside in the courtyard and they sit on a bench to talk. Paige scored some tickets to something that was sold out! Emily is super excited until the revelation that Paige also invited along some guy as “insurance” so her dad wouldn’t suspect she’s gay. Emily’s face is all, “this is the stupidest date ever.” Paige says that she wants to come out, and she’s even been doing some research online about what to say to her parents. There is a school nearby that has a campus pride group, but it’s too far (two miles? SRSLY? Y’all did karaoke in the woods…) to go to a meeting. Emily suggests meeting someone from the group for coffee and even offers to go with her.

Back inside school, Aria is walking around the halls when she spots Ezrafitz getting a coffee from the vending machine. Aria strolls right on up to him in the busy hall and says that they have to talk about that weekend. Ezra says that’s fine, and then Aria spots her mom in the hallway, because she is a freakin’ teacher at that school so walking in the halls is a thing she often does. Aria spazzes and slaps the cup of coffee out of Ezra’s hand because this is now her cover to be speaking to Ezra? Because him being her teacher was not enough cover? IDK. (S: UGH I HATE THEM.) Ezrafitz is super confused by everything that’s happening, especially because Aria’s all, “NO. STOP. WE CAN’T TALK ABOUT OUR WEEKEND PLANS RIGHT NOW.” Bitch, you came up to him to talk about it. Ezra just looks off to the side, wearing his patented, “fetus girlfriends are so difficult,” look.

Sweeney: This is what you get, Ezrafitz.

Lor: Hanna finds Caleb at school and asks him what Jenna wanted and why she paid Caleb a lot of money to snoop on her. Caleb says that Jenna wanted him to find a key. She’s under the impression that Alision gave Hanna, or one of the other Liars, a key. He also says that once something started to happen between them, he told Jenna to back off, and he gave her back all her money. He says he misses Hanna, and for a second she looks so sad and puppy-like. It only lasts a second, though. She steels herself, tells him he’ll get over it, and flounces off.

Aria arrives at Ezra’s apartment and lets herself in. He got called into a faculty meeting. She sits down to his laptop and wakes it up. Ezrafitz’s not!Facebook page is loaded, and on there is a picture of Ezra with a woman who is wearing a nice and shiny engagement ring. Aria is freaking out, because she’s 16 so the thought of having had a life before one’s twoo luv isn’t actually a thought that can fit into her head. I’m being hard on her. Clearly, Ezra should’ve told her between history and chemistry class one day if he was engaged to another woman. Ezra calls her to let her know his faculty meeting is running long, but she’s a baby and can’t deal with too many things happening at once so is basically all, “I GOTTA GO.”

Later, the girls have gathered in Emily’s room. Hanna’s told them about Jenna looking for a key. She’s pissed off that Caleb went through her things and calls him a jerk.

 

The girls all look at her like, “girl. You are doing friendship wrong,” but see, Aria’s about to make this about herself! She explains that, “someone can look through someone else’s stuff that they’re not supposed to be looking through.” Spencer tells her to speak actual language and she admits that she clicked through some of Ezra’s pictures!

To get this straight, the girls are discussing the fact that one of their schoolmates- a girl they suspect of terrorizing their lives– paid a boy to go through Hanna’s stuff to find a key their murdered friend may have left in their possession. Aria’s all, “IT’S JUST LIKE WHEN I SAW SOMETHING ON EZRA’S LAPTOP.” Right, Aria. Right.

Sara: Aria is almost as impressive as Tyra when it comes to relating every single thing that someone else says back to her own life. (L: A+.)

Sweeney: UGH. ARIA. You were doing so well for a few episodes there. Thanks for reminding us that you’re the worst of the PLLs!

Lor: Thankfully for her, Aria’s friends play along. They ask her what she saw on Ezra’s not!Facebook page, and she says that he’s living a double life. (S: And she calls it his “Website Page” which cracks me up.)(S: Did that sound weird / dubbed to anyone? Like the original dialogue was “Facebook Page” and then because of reasons they had her come in and record over it? Just me? OK. Fine.) Hanna awesomes, “I thought you were his double life.” Aria concedes that he has a triple life and one that involves him being in a picture with some girl named Jackie in Italy. I truly wondered if it just doesn’t occur to Aria that this happened in the past or if I’m missing something.

She asks her friends what she should do.

 Sara: HANNA IS MY FAVORITE AGAIN.

Lor: Spencer goes to see Toby and they both agree that they should avoid hanging out near or around their families. Or the cops. They agree to meet up later at the Founding Festival, secretly, but in public.

Emily arrives at some sort of restaurant and looks around before a very pretty blonde girl calls out and asks if she’s Paige. Emily introduces herself as Paige’s friend, and pretty blonde introduces herself as the member of the pride group they contacted.

Sara: And for those playing along at home, you recognize Pretty Blonde Lesbian as Rebekah from The Vampire Diaries. There seems to be a theme this episode!

Lor: Aria and Hanna sit together while Hanna makes a fake not!Facebook page to friend request Jackie. Aria’s not too sure, but Hanna thinks this is the best plan ever.

Aria sends the friend request.

Emily is sitting with Samara and Paige is a no show. Samara can relate as she once dated a closeted girl, and she says it was non-stop drama. Emily apologizes for the hassle, but Samara says she had to be in the neighborhood anyways, as she’s setting up a booth for the festival. She invites Emily to stop by the booth and check her it out.

Spencer is helping at the church booth. Mrs. Busy Body is prattling away and chastises Melissa for not having a church wedding. Ian is on hand to creepy that they’ll make up for it with a big christening for their baby. This makes Mrs. Busy Body happy, and gives her an excuse to bring up the fact that not too many happy things have happened since Alison’s murder. Things get awkward because Spencer is, you know, standing right there. Mrs. Busy Body awkwardly changes the subject to golfing. She says she’s having a hard time deciding on a place to go, and starts listening off possibilities, including Hilton Head.

Spencer is all, “OOH! OOH! Ian knows all about Hilton Head!” Ian glares at her, but tells Mrs. Busy Body that it’s a dream course, and asks Melissa for corroboration. Melissa’s all, “yeah, mmhhm. Awesome. We stayed by the 9th hole and the ocean view was great.” Mrs. Busy Body says that the ocean and the course are on opposite sides. Melissa makes up some lame excuse about how she was thinking about some other ocean view, while Ian walks over to Spencer and asks her what she thinks she’s doing. Spencer just glares at him.

A little later, when both Ian and Mrs. Busy Body have left the tent, Spencer asks her sister if she told the police she was staying on the opposite side of the hotel from Ian. Or maybe she wasn’t even at Hilton Head. Melissa says nothing and exits. Fuck Melissa for lying and putting her sister at risk for the sake of this guy who can’t even drink milk without looking creepy.

Sara: And ugh. Can you even imagine the creepy factor this fetus is going to have when it exits the womb?

Lor: I was never imagining that, ever, but now I am! Thanks!

Emily is at Samara’s booth checking out her jewelry. This is not a metaphor for anything, though we get the impression that Samara would like it to be. Of course, Paige comes along and Emily has to make the with the uncomfortable introductions. Samara doesn’t make things much better by being all, “tell your friend how hot she looks with these earrings on!” Emily and Paige take turns giving the camera awkward turtle face.

Caleb shows up at the Marin home. He’s returning a screwdriver so no one will think he stole it. See, he’s off to Arizona and wants to know if she’ll give a letter to Hanna for him. Mama Marin says he should go to go to the festival and give it to Hanna himself.

Back at the festival, Paige asks Emily what she shared with Samara. Emily says just the basics about her being afraid to come out, but Paige thinks that’s TMI. If she didn’t show up for the meeting, it was for a reason. This would be Emily’s cue to be all, “BITCH. YOU STOOD ME UP.” Samara shows up again and tries to play nice with Paige, by saying she’s been in Paige’s shoes before. Paige doesn’t want to hear this, and snits that she isn’t looking to join a club and ride down main street on a rainbow chopper. Emily has finally had enough and takes her leave of Samara. Paige tries to follow after, but Emily calls her on being rude, and then adds that she doesn’t want to be Paige’s secret.

Sara: I’m sorry, everyone, but: I hate Paige. A lot. This “no one has it as bad as me” attitude is getting really old. 

Sweeney: Word. It’s extra annoying after we watched what a struggle bus Emily’s “falling out” of the closet was for her. Shut your whore mouth, Paige.

Lor: Aria’s at home when she gets a not!Facebook notification. Jackie has accepted her fake account friend request. She immediately just removes Jackie from her friend list.

Hanna and Mona are setting up a booth. Actually, Hanna is setting up a booth and Mona is standing around for moral support. Mona spots Caleb and Hanna quickly runs away so she won’t have to deal with him. Caleb wants to know where Hanna is, but Mona won’t spill so he leaves his letter with her, which is a pretty sure fire way to ensure that Hanna will not get it. Sure enough, just as soon as Caleb walks away, Mona opens the letter, reads it, and throws it away. She even goes as far as throwing a slushie out on top of it. When Hanna gets back, Mona lies that he only wanted change for a twenty. The camera pans into the trash can where we see a little piece of Caleb’s note. It says, “I love you Hanna.”

AW. Mona’s a cockblock.

Sara: I will cut a bitch so fast if she ruins Haleb.

Sweeney: She’s clearly trying. Get ready. Or maybe we can have Lor do it, since she’s got those points?

Lor: I’ll get my shank ready.

Later that night, the festival is in full swing. Ian calls out to Spencer because it’s been a while since he was creepy on screen. There’s a certain quota he has to fill, apparently. This time, he tells Spencer that every time she tries to bring him down, she sinks down further, like quicksand. So, we’re all pretty much agreed that he totally killed Alison, right? Cool.

At Ezra Fitz’s apartment, Aria has picked out the movies Runaway Bride and Top Secret Affair, plus she’s rented all five seasons of Big Love, because she is a child and can only communicate through playlists and movie choices. (S: +1) Ezra’s all, “lol, trying to tell me something?” and he probably doesn’t expect Aria to be all, “…actually…” Aria brings up Jackie and asks for an explanation, so Ezra bores us with it. Jackie was his first serious girlfriend and he proposed after they were off again for a bit. She broke it off with him. Aria wants to know why she still has that photo up on not!Facebook and Ezra’s all, “little girl. I do not know. I do not control her.” I mean, not exactly, but a little bit.

Sara: They’re so boring, I can’t even be that annoyed with them because I just. don’t. care.

Lor: Anyways, Aria states the obvious, that if Jackie hadn’t broken off the engagement, they’d be married now. That’s usually how that works. Ezra wants to know if it bothers Aria more that that old photo is out there, or that they can’t take a picture like that. And only a little because that picture was taken in Italy, and Ezra can’t even transport his minor across state lines with out her parent’s permission. I just need to get out of this scene because I feel like I concentrate all my snark on them.

Emily gets a message from Paige and ignores it. She gets another message right after, but this one is from A.

This takes us into an Aliback. Alison is giving Emily a present, but she says she only brought one back for Emily, so if the other girls ask her about it, she has to lie. She gives her a snow globe, and says that Emily is the only Liar that understands her, and that she can be honest with. Alison says she has to go, but that she’ll see them later at the sleep over. Over her shoulder, she tells Em to keep the globe in a safe place because it’s a lot more valuable than it looks.

Back in the present, Emily’s all, “GOOD THING I JUST REMEMBERED THIS RIGHT NOW,” because there is a key hidden under a fabric lip on the underside of the globe. It’s to a storage unit.

At Ezraftiz’s apartment, he’s fallen asleep. Aria wakes him up though because she’s figured out a way they can take a picture as a couple:

I think this is supposed to be cute. Whatever it is, it’s interrupted because Aria gets a text from Emily, saying she found the key. Aria grabs her things and leaves right away. We pan back in the hall outside of Ezra’s apartment and we see officer Garrett! WEEEE!

Sara:

Sweeney:

Lor: At the Festival, Spencer is waiting around when she gets a message from an unknown number. The message is signed Toby, and says he borrowed a phone because his died. He’s waiting inside the fun house. At this point, if you’ve spent 21 episodes being terrorized by some unknown force from an unknown number, you text back, “THEN COME OUTSIDE.” Nope. Spencer goes inside the fun house.

Sara: We would be so much better in a scary movie / tv show than these dummies.

Lor: Inside, there are flashing lights and loud music and various other creepy noises. Spencer calls out for Toby as she enters a room with a black light.

To follow up her string of questionable decisions, Spencer decides Toby might be in a tiny little closet door in the room? IDK. She gets in the tiny little closet, and then kind of just stands there, giving a mysterious person the opportunity to lock her inside. She starts freaking out, as one would.

Officer Garrett knocks on Ezra’s door and asks for a moment of his time. Inside, where he can see incriminating shit like an undone bed and those paper bag masks. Garrett ominously says that he has he has to talk to Ezra about one of his students. The music swells and this is so clearly playing with our emotions, I half expect a big rock to fall on Garret’s head, so that he dies with the knowledge of the Ezria.

Spencer is still freaking out. She has her cell phone, and sees that Aria is calling her, but she’s freaking out so  much she drops her phone in slow motion.

Sara: Of all the PLLs, I thought Spence would be the one to keep her shit together in this type of situation. 

Sweeney: Locked in an itty bitty fun house closet, in the dark, having just read a giant note that threatens her life? Y-yeah.. setting aside the foolishness that got her there, I’m going to say all manner of shit being lost is fair at this point.

Lor: Aria and Hanna are walking along when they spot Caleb about to get on his bus. Because the bus to Arizona boards right next to wherever they are. Cool. Aria tries to convince Hanna to go over and talk to Caleb, but she says she can’t and walks away. Caleb boards his bus sadly.

Spencer is still too freaked out to pick up her cell phone and use it. Thankfully, she hears rescue noises coming from the outside. It’s like the creepiest rescue ever, though, because it turns out to be Ian. He stands outside the tiny closet thing with a crowbar in hand, saying nothing for a few seconds, until Melissa calls out to him. He calls back that he’s found her.

Spencer exits the funhouse and sees Toby waiting for her. She’s with her family now, so she just turns away from him. A few steps though, and she thinks better of it, and runs back to give him a hug and kiss, all while her mother watches.

Sara: CAN’T RESIST SPOBY LOVE. <3

Sweeney: NOPE. TOO POWERFUL.

Lor: Hanna, Emily and Aria make it to the storage unit Alison left them the key to. It’s empty, except for a lunchbox. They open it and find a USB drive inside. Hanna grabs it and they leave.

Later, the girls all sit around and watch the videos they found on the drive. Someone has been spying on the girls for years, and the drive was filled with peeping Tom videos. They wonder out loud who took the videos, why, why Alison had them, and if this is what got her killed.

A-NONYMOUS: From A’s POV we see him/her eying Ezrafitz’s apartment door. S/he then grabs the spare key from underneath the welcome mat and leaves.

 

Next time : SEASON FINALE TIME, Y’ALL. Catch all the excitement on Pretty Little Liars S01 E22 – For Whom the Bell Tolls.