Pretty Little Liars S01 E22 – Judas moves.

Previously: The Pretty Little Liars found some peeping Tom video Alison kept under lock and key.
—

 For Whom the Bell Tolls

Sara: Finale time! We pick up where we left off last time, with the girls sitting on the bed, watching more Stalker videos. But the next video isn’t of the PLLs; it’s of Blind!Jenna, before she was blind, and Toby. Jenna has her arms around Toby and is telling him (and us) that it isn’t really creepy because of how they aren’t really related. Yeah, no. It’s still creepy, girl. She goes on that if he doesn’t get sexy with her, she’ll tell his dad that he’s been forcing her to have sex with him and obviously they’ll believe her. So yeah. Jenna is a straight up rapist, and we now have lots of validity behind why we hate her. Thank goodness Hanna went ahead and slapped her that one time. (NEVER FORGET.)

Spencer tells the girls to turn it off, because she has all the feels for Toby. And then I have all the feels for the Liars because they’re understandably shaken up by the fact that someone has been recording them for years, in various states of undress. Considering the girls specify that these videos go back for years, this means that someone was recording 13 – 14 year old girls naked. Ugh.

Hanna worries that someone was using the videos to get off, and Emily says it makes her feel sick. At this point, I really wish the girls would turn the videos over to their parents, but the current track record does not indicate that anyone’s parents would be helpful in this situation at all.

Lorraine: Yep. This entire scene was very disturbing, and then I felt bad because these girls are investigating this all by themselves because the adults they know, suck.

Sweeney: YES. This scene was one of the few instances in which the show sort of acknowledged its pedophilia problem. Also, it seems almost ironic to me that it was Aria who pointed out the in appropriateness of someone taping young girls naked in their bedrooms.

Sara: The girls wonder who would do this, and Spencer says there’s one creepy murderer who likes underage girls that comes to mind.

 

Lor: MMHMM. The anti-Got Milk ad: Creepy Ian. I shun milk now.

Sara: The PLLs Nancy Drew that Ian was the one recording them, and that he killed Alison because she knew. Spencer wants to use the videos to prove that Ian is a murderer, but the other Liars are skeptical because they know how the Traumaland PD operates. Spence tells them that they just need to find out what Jenna knows. I’m sure she’ll be very forthcoming with the information!

Emily worries that Jenna is A and this is all a trap, but Aria points out that the videos were of Jenna, too. Plus they were of Jenna raping her not-brother, so it makes sense that she might want to work with the Liars on this. Spencer says the girls have all been scared of Jenna since The Jenna Thing, but now they have something she wants, and it was given to them by Alison. Scary music and sad faces all around.

SHHHHHHH.

Papa Cheater and PiperMom are having coffee at Montgomery Manor and discussing the swapping-the-kids plans for the day. They’re actually very kind to each other, so I guess they listened to us last post. These two will make perfectly fine co-parents, I think.

Papa Cheater tells PiperMom that he’s hosting a faculty mixer at the Manor tonight and asks if she’d like to help host. I don’t remember how this works out, but I’m guessing it’s a VERY BAD IDEA because of how Papa Cheater’s ho suspension is on the faculty with him and will most likely be attending this mixer.

Aria interrupts to offer her help with the mixer that night, and Papa Cheater agrees and exits. PiperMom tries to talk to Aria, but Aria is a little distracted on account of the AWESOME FREAKING TEXT MESSAGES FROM EZRAFITZ, in which he is freaking out because there is a cop at his door, asking about one of his students.

Lor:

Sara: Aria is obviously flustered and tells her mom that she either loves Papa Cheater or she doesn’t, but she needs to figure it out because it sucks for everyone. I don’t love agreeing with Aria, but girlfriend has a point.

Lor: I mean, she only expressed it because she was too busy with her pedolationship to dance around the issue, but YEP. SHE’S RIGHT.

Sweeney: I still hate Papa Cheater so much that I hate that she led with being kind with his feelings, but yes, agreed, there are kids involved who apparently actually care about his stupid feelings and so Aria’s actually totally right. She’s doing well today!

Sara: Over at the Marin house, Hanna comes downstairs to “restock on supplies.” When Mama Marin asks what the supplies are for, Hanna tells her she plans on spending the rest of her life in bed. Now that sounds like an idea.

Mama Marin says she felt the same way after Hanna’s shit ass father left, but Hanna was the one who convinced her that she was smart and pretty and Papa Marin’s new ho suspension was ugly and fat. Aw. Hanna really is the best best friend there is.

Hanna still tries to get out of school, but Mama Marin says she has to keep going. “I’m sorry you’re hurting, Hanna. But you’re gonna go take a shower, put on a beautiful dress, and know that I’m making you go to school because I love you.” These are the moments that make me love Mama Marin more than any other mama. She always notices her daughter’s pain, and even when Hanna is keeping things from her, she still recognizes that something isn’t right. Girlfriend has made some serious mistakes of her own, but I think when it comes to being a mom, she tries as hard as she can. She just doesn’t always know what the right answer is.

Sweeney: YES. EXACTLY. Traumaland’s infamous faily parents are shitty primarily for their gross negligence. They are usually shitty parents because of how few fucks they give about their kids. Even when Mama Marin screws up, she’s always thinking about Hanna first.

Sara: Mama Marin sits next to Hanna and, after a moment of silence, asks what the letter from Caleb said. Hanna doesn’t know what letter she’s talking about, but Mama Marin tells her that Caleb seemed pretty determined to get it to her the day before. I love dialogue between characters! Hanna says that he definitely saw her and still boarded the bus to Bastardville. Mama Marin assures her that he won’t be in Bastardville alone. Seriously. There are plenty of Traumaland Rejects hanging out there.

Lor: The Dictator of Bastardville is Christian Grey, so that should tell you all you need to know.

Sara: At the Hastings Household, everyone is starting their morning in the kitchen. Unfortunately, Ian is only drinking coffee and not milk. He must save it for special creepy occasions. Ian asks Melissa if she needs a ride to the church today, but she says she can walk AND THEN CALLS HIM DADDY AND I VOMIT.

Spencer asks why Melissa is going to the church, and she says it’s for the baby’s christening. Spence worries it may be a little early to be planning for that, because they should probably make sure it comes out human. ZING! Girl, that’s what I’ve been saying!

Melissa protests that it isn’t funny, but Spencer points out that humor is subjective. Hee! Melissa says she knows how Spence feels about Ian, but she thought she would at least be happy about the demon baby. Melissa stomps off, and Mariska Mom says that that was cruel. See, this is why I can’t get behind Mariska Mom. She’ll defend nasty comments from Melissa at the drop of a hat, but she gets her Disappointed Face on the minute Spence says something questionable. Do not like. (L: AGREED. It’s been established that the Hastings parents give preference to stupid, bitch faced Melissa.)

Emily receives an email from Samara that says she had a good time the day before. She goes to reply, but Mama Fields interrupts with some news. Em’s dad is being transferred to Texas for work for a year, and he wants Emily and her mother to move there with him. Mama Fields feels like they’ve been apart for too long, but Emily is upset because she’s finally found a place to fit in. Mama Fields says that Emily is 16, and her place is with her family.

Aria is conveniently walking down the empty hallways at school and talking to Ezrafitz on the phone. She asks him what’s going on (regarding the texts from this morning), and he says that he just got out of the principal’s office because he was turning in his resignation.

Aria is all WUT THE FUCK, but then EzraFitz clarifies that he got the job at Hollis, and that’s why he was turning in his resignation.

WHY DOES EZRIA ALWAYS GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING?

Sweeney: ALWAYS. IT’S NOT FAIR.

Sara: Aria punches him hard in the arm, and he’s all confused, like how the fuck do you forget the terrifying text messages you sent to her literally an hour ago? EzraFitz says that he sent those text messages last night, because he saw the cop in his doorway and started panicking when Garrett brought up a student. It turns out the student he was asking about was Spencer, and it was regarding the Rat Blood Trophy she found. Well. That was anticlimactic.

Lor: I wasted so many good celebration gifs on that shit. I HATE THEM EVEN MORE NOW.

Sweeney: Word. Bonus hate for turning the, “Cops are asking Spencer’s teachers questions,” into a whatever-nothing thing because OMG PEDOLOATIONSHIP SAVED!

Sara: He changes the subject to their twoo luv relationship and how now that he isn’t her teacher, they can go have coffee together and go to poetry readings together, where other people can see them. She’s still 16, yeah? And he’s still 24ish, we’re assuming? So they still can’t actually date, right? Is Rosewood its own little country, with its own little rules? Because as far as the good ol’ US of A goes, it’s still pretty dang illegal for them to be hooking up.

To be fair, I do understand that Aria is only about a year and a half away from being a legal adult, and yeah, the emotional maturity between now and then probably isn’t going to be that different. And I think we can all agree that Ezra is not the most mature 24-year old, either. The problem I have with this whole scenario is that it is still illegal where they live. Ezra is incredibly selfish in this relationship. I mean, they both are, but Aria is 16. She’s supposed to be selfish at this age. It’s believable that a 16-year old wouldn’t fully understand the ramifications of what is going on here. But there is no excuse for Ezra. He has a lot to lose (namely his job), and so does Aria, who has two years of high school left. Can you imagine how cruel the other students would be to her if they found out about this? She hasn’t done anything wrong, because she’s the minor, but that doesn’t matter to teenagers. They’ll still call her horrible names and destroy her reputation, and it bothers me that Ezra hasn’t considered this. If they really loved each other, wouldn’t they care about the consequences in store for each other if/when this gets out? If they don’t care about their own consequences, they should at least care about each other’s. True love can handle a year’s wait.

Lor: Well said.

Sweeney: Indeed.

Sara: ANYWAY. EzraFitz tells Aria that he’ll be at the faculty mixer that night, and she responds that she’ll show him her room.

Lor: And after all that eloquence, let me just add a much needed, “EW. STOP IT.”

Sara: Hanna and Mona are at school, and Hanna asks if Caleb happened to leave a letter for her the night before. Mona is all, “Well. Ahem. Cough. If he did, what does it matter? We don’t like him, and he can’t sit with us!”

Hanna says she’s more mad at herself than at Caleb, because she actually believed he loved her. Aw, Hanna. Mona looks like she feels guilty about throwing the letter away, but instead of confessing, she just kisses Hanna on the cheek and leaves.

 

Lor: The gif makes it look even more like a betrayal kiss. I officially suspect Mona of something.

Sweeney: TOTAL JUDAS MOVE, MONA.

Sara: Lucas happened to be standing at his locker a few feet away, and Hanna asks if he’s going to be mad at her forever. He says probably and crybabies away.

The PLLs happen to have lockers in the same hallway, so they’re all standing there when Jenna comes click clacking down the hall, as creepily as she can. They follow her into a classroom, and when she hears footsteps behind her, she asks who’s there. YOU KNOW WHO IT IS, YOU SEEING BITCH. (L: A+.)

Spencer says it’s her, and I wish Hanna would mention that she could refresh her memory with a SLAP TO THE FACE. Jenna threatens to call security, but Spencer says they have the videos she was looking for. Emily says she knows Jenna didn’t think it was wrong, but Toby obviously did. Jenna’s voice breaks when she asks the girls if they’ve watched the videos, but Spencer don’t give a shit. Jenna wants to know what they want from her, and Hanna tells her they just want the truth, and we go to an ominous Not Commercial Break.

Lor: BECAUSE THIS IS PRETTY LITTLE LIARS. The truth calls for a break.

Sara: After the Not Commercial Break, Jenna tells the PLLs that she wasn’t lying about Alison coming to visit her in the hospital after The Jenna Thing. But Ali didn’t visit her to talk about the PLLs. It was the day before she went missing, and she was on her way home from Georgia. Alison had just found the videos, and she couldn’t wait to show them to Jenna, and we head into an Aliback.

Alison is at the hospital, playing the video so Jenna can hear herself threatening Toby. Jenna asks where Ali got the tape, and Alison says, “The guy I like likes to make movies. I thought they were just of me. You think you know people, and then they surprise you. Turns out the boy next door gets off on watching all the girls next door.”

Jenna says she isn’t proud of the fact that she raped her not-brother, but Alison DGAF. She tells her she’ll keep the video under lock and key, and if Jenna keeps the secret about who blinded her, it’ll stay that way. Jenna agrees, and Alison says she thought Jenna would see it her way. OH, BURN.

Alison takes the video and goes to leave, but turns around for one last thing. “And Jenna? If you ever come back to Rosewood? I’ll bury you.” End Aliback.

Jenna tells the girls that she’s given them what they want, so what are they going to give her? Spencer just says that they’ll keep the videos safe and not let them get out. Jenna goes to leave but turns back to say one last thing. “We’ve all made mistakes. Remember I’m still paying for yours.”

Lor: Nice try, Jenna. I wish someone would just establish that the girls had very little to do with “blinding” her. So, STFU.

Sweeney: RIGHT? That shit was Ali’s fault. It’s more like, “Everyone is still paying for Ali’s mistakes.” So fuck all that noise. And Jenna’s still a lying-about-being-blind,- rapey bitch.

Sara: After she leaves, the camera swoops around and around as the girls discuss Alison, and this is making me nauseous. They realize that Ali was probably really happy when she got back from Hilton Head because she knew she wouldn’t have to worry about Jenna ratting on them. Hanna snarks that it would have nice if she could have shared that safety net with them. Emily reminds the girls of what Alison said when they met her at the taxi the day she went missing – “Wait for it, girls. Wait for it.” They decide that she must have been talking about the videos she was going to show them.

They realize that Jenna came back on the day of Alison’s funeral because she was scared to come back to Rosewood while Ali was still alive. And now I hand the TV baton off to Lor!

 

Lorraine: I hope I don’t drop it!

ANYHOW. After a break, Emily, Aria and Hanna are in the lunch room, talking about how sucky Emily’s impending move is. Spencer rushes in, and announces that she’s got the untraceable prepaid phone they wanted. In the middle of the school day. Spencer rehashes the plan: they try to convince Ian that someone who just wants money has the movies. When Ian shows up at the drop off spot, they take a video and turn that, the flash drive and the prepaid phone into the police. That sounds like a plan that go wrong 10000 different ways, starting with “convince” and ending with “police.”

Spencer hesitates before sending her anonymous text that says, “I have Ali’s videos.” AND THEN THE GIRLS ALL OBVIOUSLY TURN AND WATCH IAN IN T HE CAFETERIA. WAY TO BE UNDERCOVER, GIRLS. Ian reads the text, looks guilty and hightails it out of the cafeteria.

Sweeney: Leave the untraceable pre-paid phone investigating to Veronica Mars, girls.

Lorraine: This is all the confirmation they need that he’s a big fat murderer. He had me at milk drinking, to be honest.

 

Sara: I will never trust a milk drinker again, y’all.

Lor: Spencer says she thought she’d feel better once they knew who killed Ali, but she doesn’t. Hanna says she knows what they do to guys like him in prison and that makes her feel better. Does she mean pedophiles? She must mean pedophiles. She better not say that too loudly because Aria is ~*right there*~

Ian texts back asking what they want and Spencer can’t bring herself to text back. Hanna grabs the phone and tells him to bring $10,000 to Willow Park at 9pm, and to come alone.

Mona joins them, and asks Hanna how she’s feeling. Spencer isn’t up for this and quickly says she’s got to go shave her hands. Aria and Emily jump up and say that they’ll help. Hanna stutters around an excuse about how Spencer really needs her friends and leaves as well. Except she also leaves her phone behind, and Caleb picks this precise moment to call. Mona answers.

Sara: MONA, DON’T YOU RUIN HALEB, YOU JUDAS BITCH.

Lor: After to cut to black, Mona is lying to Caleb and saying that Hanna threw his letter away and wants nothing to do with him. Lucas overhears all of this and confronts Mona about how she’s actually a terrible person and not just acting like one. She replies that Caleb really hurt Hanna and they shouldn’t let him do that again. Mona tries to win Lucas’s favor and silence by promising to get him into Hanna’s pants.

Sara: That’s… creepy. Why do boys always have to be so creepy in Rosewood??

Lor: IDK but I’m over it.

Jenna is sitting in her room, where the sun streams in creepily. Her phone rings, and she answers quickly and tells whoever is on the line that the Liars have found the video. We cut to Ian in his SUV, answering that he’s taking care of it and will be there soon. He turns his truck on like a murderer and drives away like a killer.

Emily pulls up to her house and officer Garrett is just arriving to his parent’s house. He takes this opportunity to tell Emily that even though it may not look like it, he’s on their side. He gives her his cell phone number in case she ever needs anything.

Emily finds Hanna sitting on her porch and they talk some more about how sad it is that Emily is moving away and they are adorable friends.

 

Sweeney: PLL Adorable Friend moments are the actual best. This show is so ridiculously dramatic and filled with shitty people that these little bits are basically the reason I root for/care about these girls.

Sara: YES. Without these moments, the show would get old. It’s especially cute that Ashley Benson and Shae Mitchell are BFFs in real life, too.

Lor: Spencer sits on her bed doing homework. Leave it to Spencer to do homework while being a person of interest in a murder investigation and also figuring out who killed her best friend. I’d use that shit as an excuse for the rest of my life.

Sweeney: Being a person of interest in a murder investigation is also on par with shaving your hands in the “getting out of an immediate thing and also guaranteeing that you never get asked to do things ever again.”

Lor: Anyway, the camera pans a little to reveal that Toby is sitting by the window reading. We watch them for a bit before Toby asks if this is really how she really wants to spend her time with the guy who has abs as beautiful as his. Something like that. They cute about enjoying each other’s company. Toby tells her to stop with the homework, opens up the window, and Spencer sits on her lap as they look out and snuggle.

Jenna is looking out a window too, but this one still has all that creepy sun coming through. She talks to the camera and says that Ali is still taunting them from the grave and that if the video gets out, they will lose everything. She turns around to reveal OFFICER GARRETT who says that he won’t let that happen. He takes off her sunglasses and kisses her because we didn’t really have enough age inappropriate love on this show. AND ALSO, WHY DOES ANYONE WANT TO KISS STUPID JENNA?

Sweeney: I should have known back when we learned that Officer Garrett, by being of voting age, could not be trusted that he also would, inevitably, be a pedophile too. This fucking show.

Sara: Officer Garrett, Blind Jenna will eat. your. soul.

Lor: At Aria’s house, the faculty mixer is in full swing, giving Aria and Ezra plenty of chance to oogle each other. The doorbell rings, and Aria heads off to answer it, and it’s Jackie, Ezrafitz’s ex-fiance. The music cares, because it’s all DUN DUN DUN, but I don’t care.

Spencer has fallen asleep on Toby’s lap, but she wakes up when she hears her text alert. It’s from Melissa. Ian never showed up to the church, so she needs a ride. Toby says he’ll do his part later that night by keeping an eye on Jenna, but that if Spencer needs anything, he’ll be there for her. Spencer says she loves knowing that and they kiss.

Aria is hastily packing up her purse when Ezra lets himself into her room. It’s really frustrating that these two get away with things, mostly because they are so fucking stupid. Of course Caleb calls Hanna right when Mona has her phone, but Ezra lets himself into his fetus girlfriend’s nursery, and her parents are none the wiser.

Sweeney: EXACTLY. The couples and PLLs I care most about can never cut a fucking break but Aria and her pedolationship? The Great Contrivance Spirit is totally in their corner and I hate it.

Lor: Ezra blah blahs that he had no idea Jackie would be there and Aria calls him a liar and leaves.

At the Marin Manor, Hanna deletes Caleb’s contact from her phone and cries.

 

We cut to Caleb in a car with Lucas. He asks Lucas why he’s doing this, and he answers that Hanna deserves to be happy. AW. LUCAS. You are still a crybaby, but this is really nice! So, like, I’m almost sorry for calling you a crybaby.

Melissa is freaking out about Ian never showing up. She says that something is wrong, and she can feel it. She also left her phone at the church. Spencer tries to get her to calm down, as all this stress can’t be good for the baby. Melissa calls her out on not caring for the demon spawn, and Spencer gives a totally not convincing, ‘I care.” She offers to head back to the church for Melissa’s phone, and just then, they hit an oncoming car. There is loud gasp, crash and a flash of white light.

And with that, I cautiously place the sacred baton in Sweeney’s hands.

 

Sweeney: That’s probably the best way to do this. We’re bloggers, not athletes. Coordination’s not really our jam. (S: +1)

Aria, Emily, and Hanna are in the park freaking out because Spencer’s not there yet and she’s obviously the brains of their Nancy Drew operation and is also never late for things, so Aria says they’re calling the cops if she doesn’t show in 10 minutes.

MariskaMom arrives at the hospital and Spencer says that while Melissa is stable, they are monitoring the baby because they’re not sure how if the potential demon spawn will survive. Melissa should be hoping for not-even-human because the Buffyverse has taught us that demon spawn are pretty strong! MariskaMom hugs Spencer and assures her that it wasn’t her fault. About time. Still not saying it about the right thing, but it’s about time.

At the park, the girls have a new text from A. “Buckle up, Bitches. Nothing is as it seems.“ Emily asks if A knows they’re there and Hanna points out that A knows everything, because duh. This is episode 22, Em. Get with it.

Lor: Speaking of lessons learned in 22 episodes, I’m going with A totally being behind this car crash too.

Sara: A is ALWAYS trying to murder people with cars, man.

Sweeney: Back at the hospital, Creepy Ian is still MIA. Spencer mentions that Melissa left her phone at the church, and a cop arrives with her purse which was contrivantly recovered from the vehicle and brought directly to the hospital. She gets her phone out to see texts from a very nervous Aria. We see Melissa waking up as Spencer places a call and walks out.

The call is pretty quick, with Aria telling Spencer to stay with Melissa as a car arrives. It turns out to be Blind Jenna’s age-inappropriate face nommer, Untrustworthy Officer Garrett. The girls thank him for coming and he says he’s so glad they called, as the music gets super dun-dun-dun-ominous. The music in this part of the episode is super stress-inducing.

After a Not Commercial Break, Untrustworthy Officer Garrett has just done a sweep of the area and creepily says, “No one else knows you’re here besides me, right?”

Lor: What is “things you should never say to minors when you are of voting age or above?”

Sweeney: In Spencer’s absence, Hanna’s the one to be quick on the creepy-comment-is-creepy take and says she left a note for her mom just in case. The other girls side-eye each other and Garret gets back into his car to wait for Ian’s arrival.

Sara: Hanna is joining the Spencer Hastings Society of Wise Choices Club! I knew she was my favorite for a reason.

Sweeney: She of her own Wise Choices Club arrives at the church and sees lights still on.

Creepy Pedophile Catching Park: the girls ask if Hanna really left a note and she basically laughs at them, because obviously there’s no way she could have left a note. Girl was just trying to work a rare bit of, “Hey, let’s think smart!” into this so-many-ways-it-could-go-wrong plan.

Spencer calls out to people in the church, but there is no response. All these candles are still lit. Is that a thing that churches do even after people go home? I don’t really know, but that seems like a fire hazard.

Lor: Maybe, like, Mary and the saints are trained in fire safety. *cough*

Sweeney: The other three PLLs are freaking out because someone has finally showed up. Untrustworthy Officer Garrett tells him to put his hands up and the girls see that it’s not Ian. The camera shows us Not Ian and I don’t recognize him. Should I recognize him?

Spencer is looking under pews for Melissa’s cell phone when the door slams and Creepy Ian creepily appears behind Spencer, asking if she’s looking for something. (Still no milk, though. I bet he already got all that calcium in his system in advance. Creeper Pre-Gaming.)

Sara: Pre-Milking. The sport of murderapists. 

Sweeney: No, is the answer to my earlier question, because the guy is named Logan Reed and he’s just doing a thing somebody hired him on Craigslist to do and getting arrested for it. Did that outcome really surprise you, Logan Reed? Aria calls Spencer and leaves a voicemail letting her know that Ian was a no-show.

Spencer’s already up on that news. She’s talking to Creepy Ian who says that he got a text message from a number that was blocked, but which he can reply to. Spencer’s purse rings. Why the hell wouldn’t you silence the phone? Damn it, Spencer. If anybody is capable of getting on Veronica’s level it’s you. A damn shame.

Sara: And how can you reply to a blocked number?! I call bullshit.

Sweeney: This show has a really shoddy understanding of the way blocking numbers works. Not being able to ID the number and determine who it belongs to? Fine. Blocked? Not the same thing.

Anyway, they have a little showdown and Spencer throws the USB key towards the door (she’s cornered) and runs off the other direction as Ian scrambles for it. I really hope she had a dummy version and/or made copies of the files, but after screwing up the untraceable cell phone routine with such a rookie mistake, I’m not sure.

Lor: Agreed. Really, the name of this show should be, “Pretty Little Girls Who Only Lie Sometimes, But When They Tell the Truth, No One Believes Them And When They Have Evidence, They Lose It.” It doesn’t have the same ring to it, but it’s informative.

Sweeney: She runs up into the bell tower, calling Emily as she does. Ian then appears in some rickety elevator and Spencer drops her phone. Ian grabs her and we cut to the car, where the girls are listening as Spencer and Ian struggle. “You didn’t mean to hurt Alison, did you?” he asks, as we see him pinning her down. “You pushed her and she fell.”

Sara: Why, why, why did Spencer run upstairs? Oh, Spencer.

Sweeney: The girls call Spencer’s mom and we cut back to the bell tower, where Ian goes on to explain the fake confession and suicide note he left on her computer. Spencer begs him not do this, if only for her sister’s sake. “I’m doing this because I love her.” (ADMISSION THAT MELISSA IS EVIL? Not that we needed it, because we all already knew that, but still.)

He manages to push her off the platform, but she has a solid hold on him. The girls hear them struggle on the phone. Just as Ian appears to have gotten free, someone in all black appears. Ian asks what this person is doing and this person answers by knocking Ian out and down to where Spencer almost just fell/died. Spencer climbs up and clutches the handrail in a panic.

Sara: Soooo A actually cares about the Liars? Or at least doesn’t want them to die? That’s good news, I guess!

Sweeney: A just wants to, like, hospitalize them! I mean, you hospitalize a few people with your car and suddenly everyone thinks you’re trying to kill them…

The other PLLs arrive and hear the bell (though nobody asks FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS. BOOM. GOLD STAR FOR ME!) and make their way up to Spencer. She says just saw somebody in a black hoodie and Ian killed Alison and then tried to kill her. Aria says Ian is dead and it’s over now. We pan over to see Ian dangling from a punch of ropes and looking super dead.

Lor: Even all that milk couldn’t save you from suffocation, Ian! Creepy Milk Drinkers, take note.

Sweeney: Outside the church, the girls are stopped by the Gossip Cop who asked Emily’s mom about her date to the dance, lo those many episodes ago. He asks if this was some kind of joke because there’s nobody in there. They follow the cop back to where Ian had once been dangling all dead-looking and see the ropes without that corresponding body.

Lor: Are you. fucking. serious? THEY LOSE ALL EVIDENCE, EVER, INCLUDING ENTIRE BODIES?

Sara: So A is a lumberjack and also a grown fucking man because he/she can move a heavy dead body from the ropes to nowhere within five minutes. Right.

Sweeney: Back outside once more, it’s a major crime scene and in addition to assorted parents, basically all of Rosewood has shown up, including Noel Kahn, for some reason. The girls get another text message and again show off their reading-in-unison BFF skills. A, for his/her part, shows off some season-ending line skills: “It’s not over until I say it is. Sleep tight — while you still can, bitches. –A”

Welp. That’s a cheery thought! Fortunately we only have to wait until next Tuesday to find out what crazy new shit is in store for our Pretty Little Liars and their assorted Potentially Dead Frenemies.

 

Next time: A new season, but the same ole guilty looking Liars on Pretty Little Liars S02 E01 – It’s Alive.