Pretty Little Liars S02 E02 – Pedzrafitz.

Previously: The Liars’ parents separate the girls from each other after a very traumatic event, and creepy milk-drinking Ian is back from the dead.
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The Goodbye Look

Sara: This episode starts right where the last one left off, with the girls in the Greenhouse of Secrets, freaked out about the possibility of Ian still being alive. Hanna says he has to be alive, because zombies can’t text. Or Hanna is totally wrong, and at the end of the series, we’ll find out that A/Ian/everyone else is actually in a zombie movie. I just wrote a way better ending than anything the PLL writers will come up with, I’m sure.

Lorraine: Re-writing the series we cover with zombies seems to be a common theme in the last couple of days. I approve.

Sweeney: The Traumaland Zombie Novel series is going to be a huge hit, I’m sure.

Sara: Coming soon to a Traumaland store near you!

Spencer says she has to get Melissa’s phone back to the house, and the girls all agree that they need to figure out wtf is going on. A few twigs fall on the top of the Greenhouse of Secrets, and naturally, the girls freak and run back home. On the way back, they wonder how they’re going to keep from talking to each other at school, when they’re in the same classes and all. Yeah, I don’t think the Liars’ parents thought this plan through very well.

They stop at the DiLaurentis house and point out that JASON has moved back in, just so we are super aware that there is a new actor playing Jason, but he is still the same character. New Jason is definitely an upgrade from Original Jason – hellooooo cute older brother.

Lor: Maybe it’s because he’s currently surrounded by shadows and bad vibes, but #meh.

Sara: New Jason is busy throwing away all of the Ali Memorial stuff, and the girls are shocked that he would just dump it. They wonder why he’s moved back in to his old house, and I wonder how their parents don’t know they’re hanging out when they’re standing right in the middle of the damn street together.

Wait, that’s not right.

Nope, still not quite.

There we go!

Over at the Marin Manor, Hanna wants to know why her mom is making her see a therapist when Mama Marin doesn’t even believe in therapists. Mama Marin gives your basic mom answer of, “Life is shit sometimes, you just have to.” I plan on pulling out those non-answers all the time when I have little brats running around, asking me questions. MIND YA BUSINESS, TINY HUMAN.

Sweeney: You’re going to be the best mom ever!

Lor: It’s truly the circle of life.

Sara: Hanna complains about Mama Marin setting off the bat signal to alert her dad every time Hanna is in trouble, but Mama Marin says that she didn’t. “When daughters show up in news stories about a vanishing corpse, fathers check in.” Trust, that kind of stuff does have to be said in Rosewood. Hanna wonders what surprises Papa Marin will spring on them this time, considering last time the surprise was a whole! new! replacement family!

Over at the Fields’ residence, Mama Fields is giving Emily her new cell phone rules. Right when she gets home from school, she has to leave it on the dining room table and can only talk on it in the dining room, where everyone and God can hear. Mama Fields says to pretend that it’s a project where Emily can see what it was like for people who only had landlines growing up. That is such a mom thing to say. My mom would totally say something like that to annoying 16-year old me.

Mama Fields drops the subject, telling Emily that she knows not talking to the other girls is going to be hard, but it isn’t intended to be mean. She changes the subject to remind Emily to keep packing, because of the whole moving to Texas issue. Someone has agreed to lease their house for a year. Hope Toby got that door frame all fixed up!

When Mama Fields leaves to go finish packing, Emily checks her computer which, OF COURSE, has the blue screen of death. Because the girls, OF COURSE, didn’t make backup copies of anything. I mean, girlfriend didn’t even have a password on it. That is just irresponsible. And now they have nothing to give the cops to show that Ian was with Alison the night she died. ALWAYS BACK UP YOUR FILES. #PrettyLittleLessons

Sweeney: Someone mentioned in the comments on the last post that the best way to watch this show is to root for A, because these girls continually let us down with this shit. That said, we have been rooting for A to out Ezria, and that keeps coming up bust. Meanwhile, A is succeeding to fuck over Hanna and Spencer on the regular. WE CAN’T WIN! The lesson I’m currently learning is that the things we want to happen will never happen, but we’ll occasionally get to see hot boy abs, cute friend moments, and bitches getting slapped. I’ll take it.

Lor: So in a nutshell: Life is unfair, slap a bitch.

Sara: #PrettyLittleLessons y’all.

The first thing Emily does is call Spencer, because that is always the logical choice when in a crisis. They figure that A took a tour of Emily’s house and just waltzed right up to her passwordless computer and deleted everything. Also, how have they not checked their rooms thoroughly for bugs or something? I would be tearing my room apart. In the spy movies, it’s always a bug. ALWAYS.

Spencer hangs up when Melissa walks in with a sonogram picture of her fetus. Like anybody can ever see anything in those creepy belly pictures. Spencer asks how everything went, and Melissa says the doctors say the demon baby is fine and she just needs to rest often. Spencer tells Melissa that she doesn’t have to go to her appointments alone, and they agree that Spencer will go to the next one.

Before Spencer leaves, she asks if Melissa has any other plans for the day but the answer is none. Spencer puts her Suspicious Face on and offers to stay home and be Melissa’s cell phone secretary for the night, but Melissa doesn’t want to separate from it in case the police call with news about Ian. Besides, isn’t your cell phone’s voicemail system basically a cell phone secretary?

Sweeney: I love this analogy. My secretary fields all the calls that I never plan to return.

Lor: Which is basically all the calls ever. It’s 2013 everyone: text me.

Sara: At school that day, Ezrafitz is dismissing class but holds Aria back. There should really be a current count for the entire series of Pretty Little Liars where Ezrafitz says, “Aria, can I please see you after class?” because it feels like it’s happening all. the. time. I’m pretty sure every single living organism in Rosewood High and the world knows that these two are hooking up. Worst secret ever.

Lor: If I were a kid in this class, I’d hang around extra long after class on purpose. Put my pencils away one by one. Crumple up papers and slowly walk to the trash to throw them away. I’d be the biggest Ezria troll.

Sara: Ezra reminds Aria that his last day at Rosewood High is in two days, and then their pedolationship can be free. Aria is still pretty disgusted with the idea of Ezra having a life before her, and Ezra gets weird and insists that she come by his apartment later so they can talk. She tells him she’s busy that night, and he’s all TOMORROW PLEASE and dude, come on. You are a grown man, begging a 16-year old girl to hang out with you. Pull yourself together, sir!

Sweeney: THIS WAS RIDICULOUS. This scene was an excellent reminder that Pedzrafitz is the one I truly hate in this relationship because what in the actual fuck? Your infant girlfriend whose life you are screwing with and who can very well get your ass thrown in jail is telling you to back the fuck off. It was awkward and sad when Aria was desperate with him; it’s gross and weird when he’s desperate with her. Do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth, Ezrafitz?

Lor: Pedzrafitz. LOL.

Sara: Aria leaves Ezra’s classroom and Mona calls for her from down the hall with a, “Hey Big A!” which cracks me up, because there is nothing big about Aria Montgomery except those gigantic infant eyes. (L: But also, IS MONA A AND MAKING A JOKES?) Mona brings up Ezra’s last day and that she’s trying to collect money from students to get him a present. She asks Aria to pick the gift out, since she knows Mr. Fitz better and Aria is like, wait, you don’t mean because of how we’re in love, right? But Mona clarifies – because Aria was the stage manager in that play that one time. Aria is relieved and says she’d be happy to pick out an appropriate gift for her pedoteacher.

Aria tries to walk off, but Mona follows to ask about Hanna. Aria says she can’t help Mona out with Hanna because she isn’t even allowed to be around Hanna. Mona asks why and Aria looks confused.

Aria refreshes her memory about the Ian being Ali’s killer thing, and Mona says, “Oh, right. You lying to the cops…” Aria says people only think that they lied, but they definitely didn’t. And now their parents are keeping them all apart, so she can’t help Mona with Hanna, even if she wanted to.

Later, the PLLs are not so secretly having an entire conversation in the lunch line, where probably everyone can hear them, about losing the one thing they had on Ian. When Hanna starts to sit down at the same table as Aria, the other girls remind her that they have to at least pretend like they’re following the rules. So maybe they shouldn’t be hanging out together in the middle of the street where they all live? Hanna tries to keep the friends together, but they aren’t willing to risk it. Mona motions for Hanna to come sit with her, but Hanna just plops her tray down and storms out. Rude.

As the other PLLs sit at separate tables, all three phones go off with a text from A that says, “Look at you, all alone in a crowd. I win!” Sometimes I think I would love to be friends with A. And by sometimes, I mean all the time.

Sweeney: All the time! Good thing Lor’s going to work for A. We’ll have an in!

Also, I love their fantastically soap-opera-esque “DUN DUN DUN!!!” faces:

Sara: Toby shows up at school to fill out some forms for applying for a GED program, because he’s gone and gotten himself a Grown Up Job as a carpenter. Ahh, your first Grown Up Job. Welcome to Hell, Toby. IT NEVER ENDS.

He says he wants to make something of himself and get the hell out of Rosewood. Spencer coyly asks him if there’s anything in Rosewood that might keep him around, and he says he could think of one. I am almost completely over the weirdness of his face, because these two are so cute together. Also, I can’t tell if he’s gotten with his acting coach or if I’m just getting used to the terrible acting.

Lor: It’s like a terrible acting callous. Go with it.

Sara: We cut to Emily at a swimming meet, and like every other time Emily is swimming, she has a weird Girl Power sounding soundtrack, like she’s on a totally different show. When she gets back to the locker room, Samara is waiting to congratulate her. I don’t know if it’s because I know her from Vampire Diaries, but her American accent sounds incredibly odd to me. Kind of horrible. Still love her. She sort of asks Emily on a date, but Em says she’s going to be moving soon and she doesn’t want to start something she can’t finish.

A man in a fancy suit approaches Emily and tells her he’s a coach from Danby University. Everyone gets all, “OH. DANBY U,” so we’re supposed to understand it’s a very good school. He gives Emily his business card and says he’d like to have a meeting with her. After he walks off, Samara points out that Emily just got scouted. And now that something good has happened to Emily, I expect something extremely horrible will be hitting her soon because that’s just how A operates.

Sweeney: Unless you are Ezria, in which case A’s only attacks on you will come in the most convoluted bound-to-fail fashion possible.

Sara: At the Hastings house, Spencer is moving some delicious looking cupcakes from a store bought box onto a plate. Melissa calls her out on trying to pass them off as homemade and asks who they’re for. When Spencer tells her they’re for Jason DiLaurentis, Melissa doesn’t answer and nonchalantly walks away. Spencer remembers that Jason and Ian used to be friends, and Melissa freezes. “Jason wasn’t somebody you could depend on.”

At the Marin home, Negligent Parent of the Show Papa Marin is grilling Hanna about her psychiatrist and her friends. Hanna is pissed about all of it and calls her dad out on never being there for her. He plans on sticking around for a few days to make sure everything is okay. Hanna stomps up the stairs, and the Marin parents reminisce about the many times they’ve heard that sound. (For my mom, it was doors slamming.)

Mama Marin confirms that Hanna’s dad really is going to stay for a few days, and she questions whether his new replacement family will be okay with that. They decide to do what Marins do best, and that is to get drunk. Mama Marin reaches in a drawer for a wine opener, and I swear to God, I thought she was going straight in for a crotch grab. That would have been so much better!

Emily is packing the last pieces of her emotional state when her mom comes in and asks if she’s seen her dad’s side of the garage recently. “One of the lockers was open. We’re missing some camping gear, a little stove, some personal belongings, a knife set, an ax, pretty much anything that could have been used as a weapon to murder one or both of us… You know what, don’t even worry about it, probably nothing. I’ll just give the police a call and let them know, NBD.” Emily’s look of terror is not funny but funny. (L: Totally funny.)

Spencer shows up at Jason’s with her “homebaked” cupcakes. When Jason answers, he sees a dog sniffing around his garden and flips out a little. The music makes it seem like he tried to murder the dog or something, but he really just throws a newspaper and it doesn’t even come near the dog. Weird. Spencer still looks pissed, because you know she is probably the President of the Humane Animal Society Club at school.

Spencer brings up the Ian killing Alison thing, and Jason starts questioning her about what actually happened at the bell tower that night.

Jason: Did he confess?
Spencer: Yeah, I think he did.
Jason: You think he did?
Spencer: Well, he wanted people to believe that I killed her.
Jason: And how did you do it, according to Ian?
Spencer: I pushed her. She fell, and it was an accident. Jason, I’m sorry. I know you two were close…
Jason: Did he say  he killed her?
Spencer: That’s what he meant.
Jason: That’s what he meant? That’s what you think. Did Ian say, “I killed Alison”?
Spencer: Not those words, no.

Jason tells her he has to go back inside, because he has a lot left to do. When Spencer offers to help, he says she’s already helped. Hmm. INTERESTING. After he goes back in, Spencer takes a moment to have an Aliback aka my favorite part of any PLL episode.

Sweeney: It’s funny how Ali has remained just as ridiculous, but over the course of the show I have gone from being all, “OMG she sucks, why did they like her!?” to, “Bitch is crazy and also fierce. I GET IT.” File Ali under the thousand things I approve of on TV that I would never actually sanction in real life.

Sara: Yes! Everything you just said. She is still a horrible human being, but there’s something awesome and terrible about her.

Jason storms out of the house after Alison and demands that she stop messing with his shit. She calls him a stoner and the PLLs all giggle behind her. He gives her one last murdery glance before going back inside. JASON KILLED ALISON, I SOLVED IT.

Aria asks Alison what Jason is mad about this time, and she tells the girls he thinks Ali stole one of his stupid Japanese comics or something. Aria asks if she really did, and Ali says, “Of course!” LOL. Yep, I would have totally been friends with Alison. She tells the girls not to worry about Jason, because he’s never going to find where she hid it.

She tells the girls that that’s why their secrets are so safe with her. Girlfriend really is stunning.

After the Not Commercial Break, there’s another completely odd for the soundtrack song, so we can only assume we’re about to see Emily in a pool.

YEP. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. The scout from Danby tells Emily that she’s a great swimmer and is very likely to get a scholarship offer. His only concern is that she’s moving soon, and she might be at a school that doesn’t have such a great swimming program. Emily assures him that the moving to Texas stuff was just talk, and it’s not actually happening. She promises that she’s finishing school at Rosewood High.

Now, I can barely hold a basketball without tripping or something, so I obviously know nothing about sports, but does it really matter if she moves? She’s still just as strong a swimmer at a different school, right? Or maybe I shouldn’t think this hard about a stupid plot line on Pretty Little Liars.

Sweeney: I am also not an athletic human, but yes, it does matter. Her “ranked” status would directly relate to how they would scout her. The fact that she’s HBIC on one of the best high school teams is definitely part of it. This is legit and not just TV contrivance.

Sara: Whew, okay. I get so used to everything on this show being bullshit. It’s made me a mega-doubter about all things.

Spencer goes to visit Toby at his new construction job right as he’s being fired by his new boss. See, Toby? I told you the Grown Up world sucks! You should really cling on to these Not Grown Up years, kid. Toby sees Spencer and goes to tell her that he’s been fired. The owner of the house they were working on demanded that Toby be taken off the team, because of how he has a daughter and doesn’t want Toby anywhere near her. Um, okay.

Spence is like THE FUCK HE FIRED YOU and looks like she is about to jump out of the car and go destroy Toby’s boss and it is awesome. I wish I had a Spencer to stick up for me all the time. Toby tells her not to worry about it – that’s just the way Rosewood is.

Over at Ezrafitz’s apartment, Aria is hanging out in her pedoteacher’s place all by herself. Ezra is stuck in a meeting and calls Aria to beg her to stay at his place a little while longer so they can talk. Maybe he should have thought of this before he begged her to come hang out with him earlier? He says he shouldn’t be much longer, so Aria agrees to wait.

Over at the Fields’ house, Emily is telling her mom about the conversation she had with the scout from Danby. She tells her that she has to stay at Rosewood to guarantee a scholarship to the school she loves. Mama Fields agrees that they could stay, but she has to have a signed promise from the university, agreeing to offer Emily a scholarship at the end of her senior year. Emily says she’ll get it and excitedly jumps up and down. Aw, Emily is happy twice in one episode! This is not going to end well.

Aria is still at Ezrafitz’s apartment alone and calls Spencer to ask how much longer she should wait since it’s already been an hour. Spencer wonders why Aria would ask her, and Aria says, “Because you’ve got this great internal clock. You always know exactly how long to wait for a boy to call you, when to ask your parents for something, how quickly you should make up with somebody. You are the master of time.”

Sweeney: DOES ALI HAVE A TIME-TURNER? DID SHE GET SPECIAL APPROVAL FROM THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC TO GET IT?

Lor: I was super confused by that whole interaction, and why it happened.

Sara: Spencer doesn’t get a chance to answer because there’s a knock at her door, but you know bitch is pleased with herself.

It ends up being Toby at the door, asking if Spencer can come out for a bit.

Aria sits around Ezra’s apartment and gets a text from his asking her again to please wait. God, Ezrafitz is so fucking creepy, you guys. Aria rolls her eyes, and I love it. Good for you, girl! Don’t you wait around for that!

At the Marin Manor, Hanna is listening to a message on the answering machine from Mona. She says that she’s been trying to call Hanna and asks her to please call her back. Papa Marin walks in at the end of the message and tries to talk to Hanna, but Hanna is awesome and says, “Have you noticed that we only talk when I’m in trouble? Do you think that’s significant? Should I bring it up in therapy?” I love that Hanna is calling out the Traumaland parenting.

Papa Marin says he’s sorry Hanna feels that way, which is not a fucking apology, okay? I’d just like to give one big shout out to the world and let them know – THAT IS NOT AN APOLOGY. You are being a dick if you say this to someone.

 

Hanna tells him that his apologies don’t mean shit, so he can shove it. When Mama and Papa Marin divorced, he told Hanna that she would still always be his daughter. But now he has his whole new replacement family and dgab about our Hanna. Papa Marin does that stupid Parenting is Hard! speech, and I just want him to shut up and go away.

Lor: Agreed! He makes Papa Cheater look good.

Sara: Cut back to Aria, still sitting around his apartment. GIRL. GO HOME. I’m embarrassed for her at this point. Oh wait! She’s leaving a typewriter-written letter and walking out! Woohoo! I really hope the letter just says, Piss off. Love, Aria. Or this:

Emily and Samara are at the old time movie theater, like teenagers actually give a crap about old movies. Emily tells Samara a little about her first date there with Maya, and the two discuss old flames.

Hanna finds Mona at the only diner in Rosewood and questions her about the Noel Kahn thing. Hanna asks Mona to be careful around him. “So you want me to be careful? It would make a difference to you?” Hanna understands why Mona tore up the letter and just wants to move on and be friends again. Mona asks if this means that Hanna forgives her, and Hanna says yes. Aw! You guys, I am a major Hanna/Mona shipper. They are so cute together.

Sweeney: I know we should still hate Mona, but I’m totally with you on this.

Lor: I’ll still hate Mona enough for all of us.

Sara: Toby and Spencer are out in the creepy woods, and he’s questioning why she didn’t tell him about Zombie Ian texting Melissa. She says he couldn’t have done anything about it anyways, and he doesn’t have an answer to that so, as usual, Spence is right. Spencer says she’ll tell the cops about it if Toby wants, but Toby says, “Remind me. When was the last time the cops did either of us any favors?” Toby’s got a point. Also, wtf are they doing out in the middle of the creepy woods? Have I not been paying attention?

Aria shows up at Spencer’s house, but the lights are all out and there’s a broken window. Instead of immediately thinking, “Oh shit! Something might have happened to Spencer!” Aria just waltzes right in, making a crap ton of noise, calling out for Spencer. She is so bad at being on this show.

Suddenly, a person in a black hoodie runs down the stairs and shoves Aria into a table so hard, she loses her shoe. It. Is. Hilarious.

Lor: I enjoyed it way more than I should admit to.

Sara: After the Not Commercial Break, Aria is nursing her wounds and Spencer is back, calling the police. The girls are creeped out about A being able to break into any of their houses, and Aria reminds Spencer about the missing camping gear from Emily’s house.

Lor: These girls have some detrimental selective memory. A BROKE INTO SPENCER’S HOUSE IN SEASON ONE. THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT A DOES. Learn it, live it, and probably don’t leave your evidence out.

Sara: Spencer suddenly realizes that it might not be A breaking into their houses at all, but Zombie Ian. Since he’s on the run and hiding out, he would probably need camping gear, and he had plenty of reason to delete those videos from Emily’s computer. Zombie Ian is a pretty busy guy.

At school the next day, Emily asks the scout from Danby for a letter guaranteeing a scholarship. The scout tells her he can’t give her any confirmation, just a letter that says the school is interested in her. Emily knows that won’t be enough, and she has the sads.

It’s Ezrafitz’s last day! HOORAY! Maybe he’ll be in way less scenes now! He gives a little speech, and I’m just going to post the whole thing so you can enjoy the dumbness of it yourselves.

To be honest, most of what’s happened to me here, I didn’t expect. I didn’t expect to connect with you the way that I have. I never expected to feel this kind of loss over leaving you. I’m not going to forget you. I will remember your voices, your questions, your faces. I cherish the time that I’ve spent here, and I’m more grateful than I even know how to say. There’s a quote by Joseph Campbell. It goes, “You must give up the life you had planned, in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” I thought I knew what that meant, but I didn’t. Until I met you.

I have no words.

Sweeney: As in, “Give up life outside of prison, in order to have the life of a teacher having sexytimes with a student.”

Lor: The creepiest part is that he delivers this speech obviously meant for Aria in front of his whole classroom of students. HE IS SUCH A CREEP.

Sara: After school, it’s all rainy outside, just like Aria’s emo mood. She’s sitting in the cafeteria, feeling sorry for herself, when she jumps up and slow motion runs to Ezra’s classroom, only to find it empty because he’s already left. She looks out the window and her face breaks into a smile, and GUYS, THE SUN LITERALLY STARTS SHINING THE MOMENT SHE SEES EZRA. I cannot stop groaning right now.

She slow motion runs out to him in the very public school parking lot, and in spite of the fact that she is still very underage and this is still very illegal, they make out hard right there. If I’m being honest with myself and I ignore the fact that I hate these two, it is a little adorable.

Lor: My favorite part is the school bus in the background.

Sara: Spencer comes home to Melissa sulking on the couch, as per usual. Spence asks if she had a chance to go anywhere today, but Melissa says she hasn’t left the house. But the muddy boots by the back door beg to differ. Spencer checks the pockets of Melissa’s raincoat and finds the sonogram picture.

The PLLs meet up at the Greenhouse of Secrets again, and Spencer fills them in on Melissa lying about going out. Her raincoat was wet, and her boots were muddy so she obviously went somewhere. Spencer checked the driveway under Melissa’s car, and it was still dry so the girls know Melissa must have walked wherever she went. Emily points out that the only person Melissa would want to show the sonogram picture to would be Zombie Ian. Which means he must not be far from them.

The girls freak out and decide they have to stick together from now on, no matter how much lying it takes.

The girls are walking in the middle of the damn road together, again, and seriously, how are none of the parents on to this? They see New Jason putting up a fence in his yard, and they stop to ask him why. He says that people need to mind their own damn business, so that’s why he’s getting a fence. Um, okay. Maybe you should just move out of Rosewood, New Jason? He tells them they should probably get home and gives them one last murdery look before going back in.

Spencer wonders who he’s trying to keep out with his stupid fence, but Aria thinks the better question is, Who is he trying to keep in? …. What? Does that make sense?

Lor: No. But it’s Aria.

Sara: A-nonymous: The dog from before is digging around in New Jason’s yard again, when someone off camera whistles, and the dog walks over. A’s gloved hand pets the dog’s face and internally I am freaking out, because OMG is A seriously going to snap this dog’s neck?! But nothing happens, and the episode is over.

If we find out A killed that dog next episode, I retract everything I said about wanting to be friends. Not cool, A.

 

Next time: Even though they spent a hell of a lot of time together in this episode, we’re led to believe they are still trying to stay apart next episode on Pretty Little Liars S02 E03 – My Name is Trouble.