Previously: Ana and Grey celebrated her father waking up from his coma by having sex and Ana found out she was pregnant.
—
Lorraine: Ana is in total shock because apparently, if you are having sex, YOU CAN GET PREGNANT. Ana thinks about how much she doesn’t want a baby and how she knows her husband is going to freak.
Dr. Best in Seattle says, “judging by your reaction, I suspect you’re just a couple of weeks or so from conception– four or five weeks pregnant.” UM. WHAT? RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN. Because she was shocked, your super doctor skillz tell you she’s four or five weeks pregnant? Shock is a measure of such things? Clearly, Dr. Best doesn’t watch any TV.
Sweeney: Well, see that chick who is probs about to deliver is like SCREAMING in shock. Ana’s just doing some internal-monologue-shock, which is pretty standard for Ana. “Am I awake? This is surprising!” is how she begins each day.
Anyway, this is totally fascinating science. Pregnancy length = shock level. Does this work the other way? Like, if I’m shocked about something, should I go take a pregnancy test? #BigLifeQuestions
Lor: Ana says she thought the shot was a reliable form of pregnancy, and Dr. Best answers that it is when you remember to take the shot. All Ana can offer is, “I must have lost track of time,” and then thinks again how much Christian is going to freak.
Dr. Best suggests having an ultrasound right then to determine if her shock-measure is accurate, and see just how far along Ana is. Apparently, she’s got all the exam equipment right in her office? Because next thing we know, Ana’s taking off her skirt and underwear, and hopping up on the exam table.
Sweeney: She also, “shrugs in consternation.” A shrug is generally associated with ambivalence, not anxiety. I am pained by ELJ’s continued inability to understand how words and bodies and faces and feelings work.
Lor: Dr. Best is going to preform a transvaginal ultrasound and Ana’s all, “OH MY GOD SOMETHING IN MY DOWN THERE?” She’s completely mortified because nothing goes in her down there except Christian Grey and cooter balls.
“Slowly and gently she inserts the probe.
Holy fuck!”
I’m not entirely sure what she’s holy fucking at this point.
Sweeney: She’s holy fucking the probe! RIMSHOT! Sorry, I’ll go sit in a corner and think about what I’ve done.
Lor: AND I HOPE YOU’VE LEARNED YOUR LESSON. (I’m kidding. That was wonderful.)
Dr. Best finds what Ana calls a “tiny blip” on the screen. Her original shock-guess of four or five weeks appears to be correct, and I’m sure there is some fuckery with time or math here, but I don’t want to figure it out. Sometimes I have to draw the line somewhere, and today I’m drawing the line at EL James math. And besides, one sentence later we get this super great explanation from Dr. Best:
“Looks like the shot ran out early. Oh well, that happens sometimes.”
Dude, if I just found out I was carrying and I was clearly disturbed by it and my doctor said OH WELL? I would kick her in the face.
Sweeney: This blog has taught me that nobody in a professional capacity can actually be trusted to do their jobs. Need shit investigated? Fuck the police! Call teenage girls. Doctors? “Medicine sometimes does stuff except for, like, when it doesn’t.”
Lor: Anyway, Dr. Best prints out an ultrasound picture, congratulates Ana, suggests that she come back in four weeks to set a due date, and gives her prenatals to take. Dr. Best starts talking to her about a list of pregnancy do’s and don’ts and Ana tunes her out. ANA. THIS IS HOW YOU ENDED UP PREGNANT. But she can’t listen because she’s having panicky thoughts about how she should be 30 if she’s having a child. This is too soon.
“I wish Dr. Greene a polite good-bye and head in a daze back down to the exit out into the cool fall afternoon. I’m gripped suddenly by a creeping cold and deep sense of foreboding. Christian is going to freak, I know, but how much and how far, I have no idea. His words haunt me. “I’m not ready to share you yet.”
Fucking hell. I’m sure an unplanned pregnancy is rough, and telling your significant other may cause nervousness. This however? This is an abuse victim fearing for her life. What do you mean “how far” will he go? That isn’t talking about simply a emotional reaction. Ana is worried about what Grey will do.
Sweeney:
Lor: A+
Ana gets in the car with Sawyer, who was waiting, because even though she has a brand new car, Ana never drives. She has a ton of worried thoughts I’ll spare you and then we get here:
“Perhaps I… perhaps I should end this. I halt my thoughts on that dark path, alarmed at the direction they’re taking. Instinctively my hand sweeps down to rest protectively over my belly. No. My little Blip. Tears spring to my eyes. What am I going to do?”
OH GOODNESS.
1.) I am NOT here to discuss views on abortion, but hot damn can you ever guess how EL James feels about it: It’s a DARK PATH, and you should be ALARMED. If you had any motherly INSTINCTS you would PROTECT your belly.
Sweeney: ALL LADIES R HAVE MOTHERLY INSTINCTS AND TOUCH BELLIES. ALL LADIES R WANT BABIEZ. LADIES R EXIST TO MAKE BABIEZ. (AND BE RAPED.) (TO MAKE BABIEZ.)
Lor: b.) I guess she’s going to call the spawn of Satan Little Blip. I was trying to come up with my own names for it in the comments last week and I only got as far as Young Fiddy because, amazing. There will be more to come, I’m sure, but I refuse to call it Little Blip.
cat.) SEE? ANA PUT HER HAND ON HER BELLY. She’s basically a whole mom already!
Ana falls asleep in the car on the way to work and has a dream of Young Fiddy who looks just like Baby Grey. They are running through a meadow at their new house and everything is so happy for a bit, before the dream changes.
“My vision morphs into Christian turning away from me in disgust. I’m fat and awkward, heavy with child. He paces the long hall of mirrors, away from me, the sound of his footsteps echoing off the silvered glass, walls, and floor. Christian…
I jerk awake. No. He’s going to freak out.”
Really? Is he going to freak? Because to me, that dream suggested that he’s going to dump you when you get fat.
In her office, Ana’a assistant greets her kindly and Ana is a bitch to her. She asks if Hannah moved or cancelled any appointments with Dr. Best in Seattle. Hanna did because Ana had other meetings or was running late. Hannah asks, “why?” and Ana thinks, “because now I’m fucking pregnant!” Is she seriously about to blame her assistant for getting pregnant because she “[doesn’t] always check [her] calendar?” FOR REAL?
“I gaze after her departing figure. “You see that woman?” I talk quietly to the [Young Fiddy]. She might be the reason you’re here.”
Ana cannot tell her assistant to manage her calendar and then be pissed when she managers her calendar. Also, birth control is not something you should forget, and if you do, own it. Also, also, the reason Young Fiddy is here is because penis in vagina.
Sweeney: My reaction to this line was something along the lines of, “OF. FUCKING. COURSE.” I was waiting to see how ELJ would explain away Ana’s stupidity, given that she’s supposed to be an epic genius of some sort. It’s Hannah’s fault. OBVIOUSLY.
Lor: Don’t worry though, “deep down,” Ana know she can’t blame Hannah.
Ana starts her computer and of course there is an email from Grey. He misses her, and he’s happy that Ray is settling into his room in Seattle and Mama Grey, the pediatrician, is going to check up on Ray. Grey says he’ll pick Ana up at 6 so they can go to the hospital. Ana types back a one word response and she doesn’t even change the subject line! So, Grey knows something is wrong. Ana says everything is fine, she’s just busy.
“When will I tell him? Tonight? Maybe after sex? Maybe during sex. No, that might be dangerous for both of us.”
I’m not saying that saying, “I’m pregnant!” mid sex is a good idea, but it’s only dangerous because Grey is an abusive asshole. Do you remember what happens when Grey gets angry near or around sex? Ana gets beat until she breaks up with him or Ana safewords and is made to feel guilty about it. Next up: murder.
Sweeney: I was about to suggest that this would resolve the pregnancy issue, but I fear that the satanic parasite may already be far too powerful to be killed by the death of its host.
Lor: There is a section break and Grey is picking up Ana, because it’s not like he just bought her a new car or anything. Grey immediately asks her what’s wrong, and Ana lies that she’s worried about her father who was in a coma a few days ago. Grey holds her hand and notices that it’s cold, and asks if she’s eaten today. I found this strange and immediately took to Google to see what the correlation between body temperature and eating is. Know what I got? EATING DISORDER WEBSITES. When you are starving, it affects your body’s ability to maintain body temperature. I’ve said it before but here’s some more confirmation: Ana Steele has an eating disorder.
Sweeney: An eating disorder as severe as hers (she eats one bread crumb approximately once ever 2-3 days, under threat of abusesex) would probably also impact her body’s ability to grow another human life. Further proof that it is not human.
Lor: This isn’t even headcanon. This is science.
Grey announces that he has to go to Taiwan soon and he wants Ana to come. Ana says no because she’s still pretending she has an actual job.
Another break later and we’re back in the hospital and Ray is doing so much better, though we are told he “tires easily,” probably after having to pretend that he’s better after they forced him to another city. We are with Ray for about five sentences, and that’s enough of that, so Ana says she’ll see him tomorrow. Her subconscious is all, “that’s provided Christian hasn’t locked you away… or worse.”
LOCK YOU AWAY? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? OR WORSE? LIKE MURDER? IS HE GOING TO RIP THE DEMON SPAWN FROM YOUR UTERUS?
Sweeney: I just want everyone to take a moment and think about all the people you know who love(d) these books, and then weep accordingly.
Lor: We break over to Ana not eating her food and finally Grey yells at her to tell him what’s wrong so she let’s it spill: She’s pregnant. Grey asks how and she gives him a SRSLY? look so he immediately asks if she forgot to take her shot. She stays guiltily silent.
“Christ, Ana!” He bangs his fist on the table, making me jump, and stands so abruptly he almost knocks the dining chair over. “You have one thing, one thing to remember. Shit! I don’t fucking believe it. How could you be so stupid?”
Hold on one second.
OKAY.
1.) “Christ, Ana,” is really weird because it kind of looks like Christian.
2.) Know what violent, abuser-y types do? Intimidate you and scare you by banging their fists on tables and toppling chairs.
3.) 
4.) I said it last recap but it’s worth repeating that I HATE that this is Ana’s “fault” though I’m not sure it really is because I refuse to do ELJmath today. I mean, the doctor DID say that the shot ran out early, right? Sure, she didn’t get the follow up shot, but it ran out early, so it doesn’t matter. It couldn’t have just been a “whoops! These things happen!” thing. ELJ had to make it Ana’s fault.
Sweeney: It’s part of the long-running justification for Christian Grey’s abuse. It’s OK that he tells her when to eat because she can’t be trusted to do it herself. It’s OK that he tells her who to trust, because everyone is ultimately trying to rape her (including him). And it’s totally all right for him to strip her of any and all autonomy, piece by piece, as we learn that everything bad is always Ana’s fault and Christian Grey is always right and good.
This is precisely how a victim of domestic abuse would internalize and justify it. “Surely he’s right in controlling me, because I can’t be trusted do anything! I HAD ONE JOB!” Etc., etc., until the logical conclusion: “I am nothing without him.” Everyone associated with the publication of this book is either willfully evil or negligent to a degree that it’s about the same thing.
Lor: Grey’s violent tirade continues as Ana apologies for having her eggs fertilized and shit, as the timing isn’t good.
“Not very good!” he shouts. We’ve known each other five fucking minutes. I wanted to show you the fucking world and now… Fuck. Diapers and vomit and shit!”
After you knew each other for a day, that was good enough for a sex contract and after you knew each other for three months, that was good enough for a marriage. But now they’re pregnant and they’ve known each other “five fucking minutes.”
Sweeney: I also want everyone to re-read his little outburst and ponder, again, those many people who find Christian Grey dreamy and romantic. Again, weep as necessary.
Lor: Next Grey asks if Ana forgot the shot or if she got pregnant on purpose, because we woman folk sometimes do that to hold men hostage. Ana whispers that she didn’t.
“He ignores me. “This is why. This is why I like control. So shit like this doesn’t come along and fuck everything up.”
No… Little Blip. “Christian, please don’t shout at me.” Tears start to slip down my face. “Don’t start with waterworks now,” he snaps. “Fuck.”
I was immediately reminded of April and her “crying is blackmail,” line.
More importantly, though, this is why it had to be Ana’s fault somehow. So that idiot readers could eventually forgive Grey for acting like a tremdodouche right now, and so that they can see why he likes control. ‘Cause it makes sense that he would force contraception decisions on Ana now!
Sweeney: EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE. THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD IS TERRIBLE. This logic is just so fucked it’s insane. How many times have we done this little dance? Christian Grey forces Ana to do a thing against her will. Ana fails to do the thing to Christian Grey’s satisfaction, making him angry and it’s all her fault. I’ve never had an actual conversation with an actual human who tried to tell me that this wasn’t abuse, but I think I would lash out in blind rage if this were a thing that happened.
Lor: I’ve seen a random Tweet or two, but then I immediately forget them because my brain cannot process support of this book.
I’m sorry I’m quoting so much, but not really, because shit is… well not gold. Just shit.
“You think I’m ready to be a father?” His voice catches, and it’s a mixture of rage and panic.
And it all becomes clear, the fear and loathing writ large in his eyes- his rage is that of a powerless adolescent. Oh, Fifty, I am so sorry.”
Did you forget that he had a hard childhood? DID YOU? Because EL James is reminding you. Ana is sorry because having a difficult past gives Christian Grey free reign to do and say whatever he pleases.
Ana tries to tell Grey that he’ll be a great father and he asks, “how the fuck do you know?” I laugh forever, half because he’s infantilized her from the beginning and half because he’ll make a garbage father.
Grey’s had enough and he leaves. Ana “shudders involuntarily,” (as opposed to those times when you are all, “I want to shudder RIGHT NOW!”) and weeps.
Sweeney: VOLUNTARY SHUDDERING. SHUDDER SHUDDER SHUDDER. (It’s like a dance. It’s my, “I hate this book and the world for being a place where it exists” dance. Or like a seizure. Either, or.)
Lor: Mrs. Jones, the housekeeper, heard the whole commotion and comes over to try and comfort Ana. She offers her some tea, but Ana wants white wine. Looks like someone should’ve been paying attention to the doctor while she was listing the pregnancy do’s and don’ts. Mrs. Jones offers her a few things, but Ana doesn’t want anything.
“My husband has just walked out on me because I’m pregnant, my father has been in a major car accident, and there’s Jack Hyde the nutcase trying to make out that I sexually harassed him. I suddenly have an uncontrollable urge to giggle. See what you’ve done to me, [Spawn of Satan]! I caress my belly.”
I… I don’t even fucking know. Those sentences were just a slap in the face. If you didn’t realize how ridiculous this entire series is, there you go.
Ana goes into the library to have a full page of internal monologue that’s so awful to read, it pains me. Will Grey ever come back? Will Grey divorce her? Is Grey the reason her life is so complicated? And then she falls asleep.
After a break, Ana wakes up. She’s cold and Grey is still not back. She texts him and then draws a warm bath, because she’s freezing on account of being anorexic. After the bath, Ana falls asleep again in the great room. She wakes up again after another break, this time to the sound of Grey stumbling into the apartment. He’s very drunk. Ana says she’s going to help him into bed, and he starts getting slimy about wanting her to join him. She tries to gently turn him down and he says he’s heard of these things. “Babies mean no sex.” No, you rotten ball sack, being a violent, skeevy drunk means no sex.
Sweeney: NOT POSSIBLE! CHRISTIAN GREY IS ALWAYS FUCKABLE! ALL THE TIME ALWAYS! DUH.
Lor: Funny you mention that. He keeps trying though, especially when Ana says she’s going to undress him. The worst part? “Drunk Christian is cute and playful. I’ll take him over mad-as-hell Christian anytime.”
Sweeney: I…I was kidding. I should have known better.
Lor: Indeed.
Grey starts talking to Young Fiddy, saying that he’s going to keep him up at night, probably. Plus, Ana will choose the spawn over Grey. Ana says that’s stupid, and she isn’t choosing anyone over anyone. Grey passes out, giving Ana sometime to notice how beautiful her murderapist husband is. She tucks him in and tells him she loves him, even when he’s drunk.
Ana grabs finds Grey’s Blackberry and she sees a text message:
“It was good to see you. I understand now. Don’t fret. You’ll make a wonderful father.”
It’s from her. Mrs. Elena Bitch Troll Robinson. Shit. That’s where he went. He’s been to see her.”
Now Ana can be angry at Elena and for Grey having seen her, and not be angry at him because he’s a terrible human being and an abuser.
It was one more for the road.
Murmur Count – 3 (what the hell?)
Whisper Count – 4 (seriously?)
Favorite comment last post: I don’t think it should be considered “procreating” with those two. Maybe we should call it “con-creating” or “SATAN’S-SPAWN-creating. — Jessica Blundon
Next time: Ana keeps snooping through Grey’s phone and she’s still in an abusive relationship in Fifty Shades Freed – Chapter 21.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
