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The Devil You Know
Sara: The PLLs are sitting at lunch, looking at a copy of the note they found next to Dead Ian, because Hanna was smart enough to snap a picture of it before they called the cops. They question whether it’s a suicide note or a confession, and Emily wonders why Ian would kill himself right before running off with Melissa. And then I wonder wtf is wrong with Emily, because she literally just saw him murdered by that bell tower not that long ago, so she has to know this is another A setup, right?
Lorraine: YOU WOULD THINK. No one is even questioning how fucking impossible it is that he was alive enough to kill himself.
Sweeney: Commenting for emphasis that this WTF is wrong with you is directed at all the girls for not asking that question. At least Emily has the sense to see one of the millionty gaping holes in this situation.
Sara: The other girls are basically like, “Whatever. We’re not suspects anymore since his fake suicide note confessed to the murder, so we dgaf.” Emily says she still doesn’t feel all that safe, because remember, A is BAT. SHIT. CRAY. Bitch threw a car at Hanna.
Officer Garrett is at Rosewood High for reasons and stops to tell the PLLs that he’s sorry they had to find the body like that. Spencer clarifies that Melissa actually found the body, and Garrett tells them that it could have been worse. Four teenage girls finding a dead body could have been worse?
Garrett goes on that since the body was a week old, it could have decomposed a lot more than that and been way grosser to stumble upon. Um, ew. After Garrett walks away, the girls freak about Ian being dead for an entire week. They figure out that A must be involved. SHOCKER. Come on, ladies. Please remember what show you’re on.
Emily is the most upset about it, because she knows A will royally fuck up your entire world, but the other girls are all doing the Aria shrug. Spencer asks Emily to just let them all feel relieved for a few minutes before they start freaking out about A again.
Lor: I get that, I do, but seriously hope that A doesn’t start throwing cars again while you’re taking a breather is all I’m saying.
Sweeney: Word. I’m only willing to say that I get it because Spencer is usually running around being the brains of the operation. I’m glad one of the girls stepped up while Spencer was taking that breather.
Sara: And if anyone has earned a break, it is definitely Spencer.
As Emily leaves, she sees a Rosewood newspaper in the trash with the headline, “Murder Solved” and a picture of Alison. Right then, of course, Emily gets a text from A. “Hey Em. Is it just me? Or does that suicide note look familiar?”
SHHHHHH.
At the Hastings House, Mariska Mom is avoiding phone calls from reporters. Spencer picks it up and immediately tells the blood-sucking vultures to stop screwing with her family.
Sweeney: I hate Melissa’s guts, but oh my goodness do I love Spencer for this. She just wants her family to be OK again and is willing to place that above the impulse to be all, “SEE! I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO.” (Which is totally the route my 16-year-old self would have gone. That is, if I hadn’t already been institutionalized by all this bullshit.)
Sara: Hanna and Caleb are at the Marin Manor, and Caleb tells Hanna he just dropped by to check on her. She blows him off, and when he looks hurt and starts to leave, she apologizes and blames it on the stress of everything happening lately. Before he can wolfy kiss her like you know he wants to, Mama Marin comes home and freaks out about Hanna not answering her phone earlier. She tells Hanna that for the past year, it has been terrifying every time Hanna left the house.
“Every time you walk out that door, I memorize the color of your top. Whether you’re wearing jeans or a skirt. What kind of shoes you have on. Just in case I have to…”
Hanna assures her mother that she’s fine and not to worry, which is a huge lie but sweet. Poor Mama Marin. Being a not negligent parent in Rosewood is really, really hard.
Lor: And it takes excellent memorization skills.
Sara: Aria is at Ezra’s Pedoffice at the college, sitting on his desk, talking about how Melissa finding Ian dead was like an out-of-body experience for Aria. Ezra consoles Aria by petting her hand like she’s a child (because she is). (L: I seriously gagged as soon as he touched her baby skin. EW.) Right as they’re holding hands, Jackie Cam shows us that Jackie is seeing them being touchy feely with each other.
Sweeney: I love everyone who gets the Evil-For-Hating-The-Pedolationship Edit. Still, I’d love her more if she went straight to Aria’s dad. I can’t ask too much of her, though; she’s still a character on Pretty Little Liars.
Sara: Jackie delivers some boring work news to Ezra and then leaves, telling Aria it was nice to see her again. Aria says, “Yeah, you too,” but it is in this amazing I-hate-everything-about-you voice, and you seriously just have to watch the scene to hear how perfect it sounds.
After Jackie leaves, Aria tells Ezra that they need to figure out a way to get people used to the idea of them as a couple. Oh, oh! I have an idea! How about you wait until you’re 18. Idiots. They decide that they’ll start introducing each other as friends instead of “former teacher” and “former student.”
Lor: Or “babysitter” and “babysit-ee.” Or “convicted felon” and “jail bait.” Or “ew” and “gag me.” Baby steps!
Sara: Emily is picking up a package for her mom and staring pretty hard at the guy behind the counter. She asks if she knows him from somewhere, but he just avoids eye contact and says no. RED FLAG. If a girl who looked like Emily approached any boy and asked if she knew him from somewhere, he would be all about that.
She asks him if he went to Rosewood High, and he says no and runs out like the fishiest fish I’ve ever seen. If this guy is employed by A, I think he/she maybe isn’t as bright as we thought. As Emily leaves, she sees his picture on the wall and flashbacks to the night the PLLs tried to set Ian up and another guy showed up instead. The guy Ian sent was Logan Reed, who happens to be the same person Emily was just talking to.
Fun side story: When this was airing live, ABC Family asked fans to vote on a name for a new character. I don’t remember what the other options were, but Logan Reed is the one that got the most votes, so here we are.
Lor: …whut. Did they have 4 choices of names as boring as “Logan Reed.” That is not a fun poll, ABC Family. You give options like, “Fish E. Fisherson” or “Harry Balsac” or something.
Sweeney: With such obvious television GOLD ideas, why aren’t we making the big bucks yet?
Sara: Harry Balsac has all of my votes. ALL OF THEM.
Spencer is studying in her room (of course) when Mariska Mom brings her tea. She tells Spencer how proud she is of her work ethic and for being so loving towards her sister. Mariska Mom blames herself for separating the PLLs and says that she asked them all to come to the memorial to be there for Spencer.
“No, it’s not okay that I didn’t believe you. And it’s not okay that I allowed a monster in my house. But I promise I will never do it again. Will you give me another chance?”
Spencer tears up and says of course and they hug and it is all so sweet and AW. I have forgiven Mariska Mom a whole lot because of this.
Lor: Um, NOPE. Sorry! I don’t think tea and “can I have a second chance,” are enough to make up for that time you put me in therapy, separated me from my friends, let a suspected murderer have my barn house room, and believed the Rosewood LOLPD even though everyone knows they suck. Try harder, Mariska Mom.
Sara: I’m grading on the Rosewood parenting curve, so there is a very, very big curve involved.
Emily looks at the picture of Ian’s suicide note again and compares it to something on her phone.
Spencer tries to find a duplicate of Melissa’s “lost” engagement ring, but the ring costs over ten grand, so that ain’t happening. Uh, also, wtf kind of job did Ian have that he could afford that ring? As far as we know, his parents aren’t around, because wouldn’t they have been the ones burying him if they were? Whatever. Spencer checks the entire Internet and can’t find anything. Right when she gives up, she gets a text.
“Would mommy hug a thief? Tell the truth, Spence, or you’ll get that ring when you least expect it. – A” SRSLY, A? Spencer cannot catch a break on this show, I swear.
Sweeney: EH. I don’t know. Spencer knows that A is out there actively trying to ruin her life most of all. Selling her sister’s engagement ring to a pawn shop so that she could buy her boyfriend of – what? two weeks? a car was not a smart move on Spencer’s part. As much as I hate A’s aggressive targeting of Spencer, I’m still on the side of, “What the fuck was she thinking?”
Sara: It feels like all of the PLLs are making horrible choices and hiding stupid secrets, so Spencer still getting the brunt of it makes A a Spencer-hatin’ asshole to me.
Someone in a black hoodie is sneaking up to Jason’s house and about to break in the front door, but uh oh! New Jason steps out from the shadows and grabs the hoodie’s arm and we fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, New Jason is standing at Aria’s door with Mike behind him. Aria starts to say that Mike has never done anything like this before, but then she realizes that Mike is the one who has been breaking into all the houses in Rosewood, not Ian. Which also means that Mike is the one who shoved Aria over and made her lose her shoe, so Mike is definitely one of my new favorite characters at this point.
Lor: I never imagined that he would ever recover from being a pancake hating douche, but pushing Aria was the ticket.
Sweeney: AGREED! Being perhaps the only person to make Aria suffer at all is absolutely enough to make up for the pancakes. (For now. I mean, we still need to talk about the pancake thing, Mike.)
Sara: Aria thanks New Jason for calling the police and asks him not to tell her parents. He says it’s not a problem; he’s seen enough cops at his house in the past year. Aria thanks him again, and he creepily leaves. Seriously, this Toby Edit is making New Jason extra weird.
Lor: Probably ’cause he doesn’t actually leave. Aria closes the door and he just stands there. What in the hell?
Sara: Emily is in her room, poring over lots of different papers and text messages and the suicide note. She’s Nancy Drew’ing the crap out of all that paper. It makes her look like she’s in some murder detective movie.
Hanna approaches Caleb at school the next day and apologizes for him being stuck in a chick flick the day before. She and her mom usually save their Eat, Pray, Love moments for when they’re alone. Caleb tells her not to sweat it and that she should be grateful to have a mom who cares about her so much. His foster mother only cares about cashing his checks.
Hanna asks why Caleb’s foster mother would still be getting checks since Caleb is living with Lucas right now, and Caleb says it’s their arrangement. As long as he comes home for the foster care visits, his foster mother will keep the checks and not cause any problems for him. Hanna tells him he doesn’t have to settle for that, but Caleb says he could end up with a lot worse, so this works for him.
Emily shows up in English class and tells the other PLLs that Ian didn’t commit suicide. She tells them that some of the phrases in the letter sounded familiar, and when looking through her phone, she realized the entire thing was written with previous texts sent to the girls from A. Since the four girls and A are the only ones who know about the texts, it had to be A who wrote the suicide letter.
Aria asks how the hell Emily figured all of this out, and Emily says, “Please. I’ve been watching Wheel of Fortune with my mom since I was 3.” Is anyone else confused about how Spencer isn’t the one who figured this out first? Weird.
Sweeney: She was taking that breather or whatever. It definitely seems like a Spencer thing, but I’m glad they gave Emily this opportunity to be awesome and useful.
Sara: Emily goes back to the store (during school?) to talk to Logan Reed again. He immediately tells her that he doesn’t know anything, but Emily assures him that she doesn’t want to get him in trouble. He confesses that he saw an ad on some Website Page, offering money to deliver a package so he volunteered. Emily asks if Ian gave him cash, and Logan Reed says that he doesn’t even know that guy who committed suicide. It was a woman who paid him. Emily asks what she looked like, but Logan says he never met her – she just talked to him on the phone and left the money in a PO box for him. He can’t describe her voice but says he could maybe recognize it if he heard it again.
Lor: Logan, did the woman sound fake blind? Just asking.
Sara: Emily leaves in a rush.
Hanna sees Caleb and his Foster Monster leaving the principal’s office, and she is griping at him because being a foster parent is hard. Who wants to learn stupid little details about your foster kids, like how often they eat or what school they go to? Lame. She stomps off, and Caleb and Hanna both have the sads.
Aria pulls Mike aside at school to bitch at him some more about trying to break into New Jason’s house. He says he was just bored and whatever, he’ll return the camping gear back to Emily’s house. Aria is like, “OMG. THAT WAS U?” which is hilarious, because remember earlier, when I thought Aria figured it all out right after she said Mike doesn’t usually do stuff like that? Yeah, no. Girlfriend is not in the same world as the rest of us. Even Mike is like, how have you not figured this out yet?
Aria further realizes that Mike is the one who pushed her so hard she lost her shoe, and it is so great! He says he won’t do it again and begs her not to tell their parents. Although, it wouldn’t be that huge of a deal because the Montgomery parents are not around all that often. She agrees, though, so Mike walks away like a boss.
That night at the Hastings House, Spencer approaches Melissa and says that she needs to be honest with her. She says she was angry when Melissa chose Ian over her. She starts to confess to stealing the ring, but Mariska Mom walks in right then and asks Spencer to set the table. Melissa isn’t really paying attention anyways, so Spencer doesn’t bother finishing.
Sweeney: I FUCKING HATE THIS. Spencer is trying to confess and I hate how aggressively The Great Contrivance Spirit is working against her.
Sara: At the Marin Manor, Hanna walks in the kitchen with a va-va-voom red dress on and asks what Mama Marin thinks. She looks up, says, “Absolutely not,” and goes back to reading, which is hilarious because I said the exact same thing while watching this scene.
Mama Marin tells Hanna that it’s hard enough burying someone everyone hates; they don’t need to call more attention to it. Hanna asks if this reminds her mom of burying her father (who everyone hated), but Hanna’s mom doesn’t know because she never went to the funeral. She left home at 17 and would have left sooner if she could have. When Hanna asks what was stopping her, Mama Marin tells her that freedom is expensive and everything can’t be put on a credit card. My credit cards beg to differ, Ashley Marin.
Lor: Not all of us can fall back on Free Little Old Lady Money.
Sara: The girls all arrive at the church for the funeral, and it’s very reminiscent of when they were at Ali’s funeral at the beginning of season 1. Spencer thanks the girls for coming and goes back to sit with her parents, but Emily grabs her before she gets there. She tells her that Ian wasn’t the one who hired Logan, but Spencer doesn’t want to hear it. Spencer is tired of talking about it and stressing about it, and she just wants to forget about it for a while. I have felt this way many times (about things that don’t involve stalking and murder), so I feel a lot of feels for Spencer right now. She has so much shit going on.
Spencer says that there’s a possibility that A just wants to keep them obsessed and going crazy over Alison’s murder, and they can’t spend their whole lives dealing with this. She wants to move on, because nothing they figure out will bring Ali back.
Ezra walks into the church and makes his way towards Aria, but Piper Mom swoops in and ruins it because she is awesome. She asks Ezra what he’s doing there, because it is kind of weird that he keeps showing up at funerals for people he didn’t know, yeah? (First Ali’s, now this one.) He explains that he wants to be there to support… his students. Aria looks pissy, because of how they just decided to start telling everyone they were friends. I love how Aria thinks this whole memorial is about her and Ezra.
Sweeney: THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND THEIR PEDOLATIONSHIP. It reminds me of when Kristy Thomas thought her mom’s wedding was about her.
Sara: Emily finds Garrett at the memorial and asks to talk to him. She tells him that Logan Reed was hired by a woman, not Ian. Garrett asks what she wants him to do, but she doesn’t know. He says if it makes her sleep better, he’ll try to find out who the woman is. DUN DUN DUN. (Because of how we know that the woman was probably Blind Jenna and Garrett is underage banging Jenna.)
Lor: CALLED IT.
Sara: Everyone is at the memorial, and there’s a really nice song playing here – “Turn Our Eyes Away” by Trent Dabbs. (L: Lovely. It fit the scene so well.) The girls each throw a handful of dirt on the coffin, and it is so weird to me that these are the people who are doing the dirt thing. Even Melissa wasn’t involved?
Sweeney: I had the same thought! Maybe Spencer would be doing it with Melissa, since Spencer was at least family (and a pedo-ex, though she did accuse him of murder and also attempted murder) but the other three? What?
Lor: How else would be get the super significant image of all them with grave dirt stained hands?
Sara: Aria and Emily are waiting for their parents after the memorial, and Emily questions why New Jason is watching the memorial from afar. Aria says he might just want some closure, but Emily still thinks he’s creepy because Emily is the smartest Liar this episode.
Lor: I told you they share a brain. Aria just gives her a look like, “BUT HE TOTES LIKED MY PINK HAIR.” Whatever, Aria.
Sara: Emily leaves and Aria starts to approach Jason, but Ezra shows up first. She asks if she should get the rest of the student body, so he can address them as a class, and it makes me laugh because it’s such a 16-year old thing to say. Ezra says he came to the memorial to take the next step, but it didn’t feel right. She says she’s tired of them always talking about the first step, dipping their toes in the pool. Ezra responds that telling her parents is less like dipping a toe in the pool and more like cannon balling. And I say it’s less like cannon balling and more like jumping off of the high board, hitting your head on the way down and drowning. Hopefully.
Lor: I laughed when she was all, “when will be the right moment to announce our relationship??” Not at the funeral for a believed to be murderer, you stupid child. Damn it, Aria.
Sara: Hanna is at her locker at school when she sees Caleb’s Foster Monster walk by. Hanna introduces herself and Caleb’s Foster Monster says she’s in a hurry and this whole scene is so awesome and dumb that I just have to post the whole thing:
Hanna: *Slams locker* This won’t take long. I just wanted to let you know that I know about your deal with Caleb. And it’s gonna have to stop. Do you see that lady over there? That’s my mom. She’s also Senior Partner at the firm of Dolce, Gabbanna, and Leibovitz, so I suggest you give Caleb his money and continue to give him his money until he turns 18 or I’ll have to unleash Erin Brockobitch on you and take you to court.
Foster Monster leaves and Hanna looks very pleased with herself.
Lor: That better not work.
Sara: Aria approaches New Jason back at the memorial and thanks him again for helping Mike. She wonders why he’s so willing to give Mike a free pass, and New Jason says maybe it’s because Ali used to threaten to turn Jason in all the time. Aria asks if she ever did, but Jason says Alison was too smart for that.
Jason tells Aria that he was always jealous of how fearless Alison was. He says that he can’t stand the way his parents look at him now, like they lost the wrong kid. He gets a little misty, so you know Aria is immediately like, “Damaged goods born before 1992?! SWOON.”
Aria says that it might not have been a great idea for Jason to come to Ian’s memorial, but he says it was the perfect idea because now he knows he didn’t do it. Aria looks confused, and he goes on that he doesn’t remember anything from the night Ali died. He got so drunk that he blacked out and woke up with a killer headache, with no recollection of what had happened the night before. All he found was a note in his pocket that said, “I know what you did.” Aria asks who gave it to him and what it means, but Jason doesn’t know. Toby Edit just got intense!
Spencer is on her way to the store and asks Melissa if she needs anything. Melissa tells Spence that the baby is a girl, and Spencer sits down. Melissa apologizes for choosing Ian over her own sister. She couldn’t believe he would ever do that to somebody. Finding out he wasn’t who she thought he was was devastating. Spencer apologizes, but Melissa says she deserved it for lying to the cops and her family and she brought everything on herself.
Spencer tries again to bring up the engagement ring thing, but then Melissa cuts her off and says she has to tell Spencer something before she loses the courage. She says, “There’s something that you don’t know…” but is interrupted by a ringing in Spencer’s pocket. When Spencer pulls the phone out, it’s Ian’s and both girls freak out.
Melissa accuses Spencer of sending her those messages, pretending to be Ian, and Spencer is adamant that it was not her, but Melissa’s in full on Crazy Pregnant Lady mode now. She gets up in Spencer’s face and growls, “You must really hate me. I will NEVER forgive you for this,” and Spencer looks straight up scurred.
Lor: This whole scene was like whiplash. For one second you think, “okay Melissa. Progress.” and then BAM. She makes another snap judgement even though she just admitted like a second ago that she should’ve believed her sister. FINE, MELISSA. FINE.
Sweeney: This. And also, it was really weird that she just smashed the phone like that. Thanks for destroying that planted evidence, I guess? I was really expecting something a whole lot worse to come of that phone thing. I’m also annoyed that The Great Contrivance Spirit once again cut off Spencer’s attempted confession.
Sara: Over on the bad side of town, Garrett throws a bag of money at Logan Reed and tells him to scram. When Logan leaves, he calls Blind Jenna and tells her everything is taken care of.
Hanna is at home when Caleb stops by with a bag of ice and some food. Hanna tells him that when rappers talk about showering their girls with ice, they’re talking about something different. Hanna offers to pay him back, but he tells her that his Foster Monster showed up and gave him an envelope of money for some reason. Huh. I really thought this plan would backfire on her badly.
Caleb says he has to go, because he promised Lucas he would watch The Goonies with him later. Before he leaves, he kisses Hanna on the forehead and she asks what that was for. “Dolce, Gabbana, and Leibovitz?” They giggle and he turns to walk away, but Hanna tells him to wait and gives him a great television kiss. HALEB <3
Emily is at home when she gets an A text. “Sometimes the shortest distance from plot A to plot B is the long way around. – A”
Lor: Also known as how this show is written.
Sweeney: 1430, because ACCURATE.
Sara: Emily looks at the map of the graveyard they were in that morning and finds that A is referencing two graves there. So obviously in the very next scene, in the middle of the night, all of the PLLs are at the graveyard, walking around with flashlights. Aria is still convinced that Ian really killed Alison, but Emily and Spencer point out that all the clues they found were given to them by A, so they can’t really trust them.
They get to Alison’s grave, and across the graveyard, a huge projection of the Kissing Rock video is playing, and it’s the extended version with Ian and the hand grab. But instead of stopping after that, Alison picks up the video camera, kisses Ian goodbye, and walks away. Which means that Ian and Ali were NOT together at the time of her death, probably, and everything the girls have ever thought to be true is a lie. You just got Vanilla Sky’d, girls!
A-nonymous: The girls are wandering around, looking for where the projector might be, and A is holding it and watching them like a creepy creep.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
