Pretty Little Liars S02 E12 – Creepcabulary.

Previously: The Liars told an adult they were being stalked and that ended badly because OF COURSE.
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Over My Dead Body

Lorraine: Spencer, Hanna and Aria sit in a police interrogation room, arms and faces covered in dirty. On the other side of the one way glass, some officer is telling a shadowy detective that the girls haven’t said a word since they were brought in. The Zoomy Cameraman focuses on Detective Mystery’s mouth so we can watch it smirk at the thought of securing his own promotion by destroying the lives of three girls.

It comes as no real shock that this is Detective Wilden, last seen being the stupidest detective of all time, taking advantage of Mama Marin’s vagina and also getting a verbal SMACKDOWN from Mariska Mom. Remember when we liked Mariska Mom? LOL. I don’t really either. Also, I’m sure that’s not really the last we saw of Wilden but that’s all I remember.

Sweeney: My first thought when I saw him was that I associate him with that 5 seconds when I thought Mariska Mom was totes the best. “Simpler times” is this week’s Traumaland watchword.

Sara: I find it extra creepy that his first line is, “Miss me?” Because Wilden is so good at sounding like a teenage girl, WILDEN IS A.

Lor: SHHHHH.

After the credits, we join the story 12 hours earlier. Spencer, Hanna, Emily and Aria are looking for Dr. Anne (I guess we stopped calling her Senora Therapy. Sigh.) (S: Terrible mistake on my part!) at her house with no luck. Plus, they keep reaching her voice mail. Spencer Nancy Drews that Dr. Anne never came home because her mail’s still around. Emily thinks they should call the police and I laugh. GIRL. STOP. You are embarrassing yourself with such suggestions. Spencer and Hanna point out the fact that Office Pedo Garrett would just be the one to question them. Spencer wants to lay low.

Emily’s phone rings and she gets squee-ey over it being Maya. The girls take this break from wondering about their therapist being kidnapped and possibly murdered to get mushy over Emaya.

Sweeney: Surefire way to a Snark Lady’s heart is to have the core characters of your show laughing and happy and being friends with each other, BECAUSE NOTHING WE WATCH LETS US HAVE THAT FOR MORE THAN 8 SECONDS AT A TIME.

Lor: We cut to Vampire Maya and Emily sitting in Hanna’s room. Hanna is questioning Maya about Jesus camp until Emily straight up tells her they’d like some alone time. Maya wishes Hanna luck with the wedding, and once Han leaves, Maya exposits that the PLL’s are all attending said wedding. This leads to some chat about how Maya thinks they should start off in the friend zone and get to know each other again.

Toby is on a call with a mechanic. After he hangs up, he tells Spencer that his breaks were severed and something something about cars being broken and stuff. Spencer is shocked, considering he treats his car like his baby. Sara naming it the Sugar Baby Truck is now even more fitting. Not so fitting is this weird, “so if we had a real baby what would it look like?” segue Toby just used. Spencer says she’s picturing a baby with a six pack. I’m… creeped out and amused. CREEPMUSED.

Sweeney: CREEPMUSED is a fantastic shirt-worthy word.

Lor: Why thank you. Shirt-worthy is all I strive for.

Those two are about to get their Spoby kissing on, when Toby sees that next door, New Jason is taking the newspaper off his windows. Toby notes that New Jason sure does spend a lot of time in Alison’s old room. Jason notices them creeping and Spencer pulls her curtains like she wasn’t the one just openly staring at her neighbor. Toby asks why Shitbag Hastings was talking to Jason last episode, and Spencer says her father didn’t want to talk about it, which is a half truth. Toby presses and she snaps, but immediately apologizes, saying that if her father doesn’t want to share information, there ain’t much she can do about it. Toby thinks otherwise because, hello, detecting the shit out of things! It’s an especially accurate phrase for this show because they detect things and then end up in shit.

Sara: Every. Single. Time. Girls! Stop detecting so much!

Lor: Hanna calls Dr. Anne again and doesn’t even reach voicemail, because it’s full. No time to waste on their possibly kidnapped therapist because Caleb’s home! (S: A+) She wants to hear all about his trip, but he wants hugs and kisses first. Caleb can tell something’s wrong with her, and she starts ranting about throwing up on Isabelle’s dress and having a wicked stepsister and her ugly bridesmaids dress and back fat. BACK FAT IS EVIL, SO THAT’S LEGIT. (S: AGREED.) Caleb tells her to calm down and helps her do that by giving her wolfy bad boy kisses.

Fucking Ezra Fitz. Did we see him last episode? I feel like my life hasn’t been poisoned by his face in a while. Huh. Anyway, Ezra is lounging on his couch in his teacher office, all professional like, when Jackie comes in with coffee. She makes comments about remembering what it was like to fall in love with him, just as Aria walks up with two coffees of her own. She listens as Ezra tells Jackie that he’s seeing someone. Jackie says she gets it and Aria gets a text message:

Sara: And she looks PISSED. 

Lor: Rightfully so.

Also, I keep getting surprised by how A ups her own game. It gets even creepier after a Not Commercial Break, when the girls are gathered in the Hastings House, looking at a wooden box left for them. The top is marked, “open or she dies.” Spencer says she found it this way. The girls open the box and find a typical cut-out ransom note inside.

The note says they have until 7pm to meet A’s demands and save Dr. Anne. Inside the box are three dolls, of the talking, pull string variety. The first one corresponds to Aria, and her doll says, “make Jackie go away.” Also included is an article Jackie’s about to get published, and the French equivalent she plagiarized from. The next doll belongs to Hanna and it says, “stop the wedding.” The last one belongs to Spencer and it says, “keep Toby safe.” Spencer freaks, because she remembers that someone already cut his brakes. Emily says there isn’t a doll for her, and Hanna says maybe A got bored with her, which is (1) the most non-comforting comforting thing to say at that moment and (2) probably an in-joke about how boring Emily is. I mean, probably not, but I’m going to choose to keep seeing it that way.

(Emily’s not actually THAT boring anymore. But still a little bit.)

Sweeney: (1) When Hanna sees the dolls she asks if there is a creepier word than creepy. After we got CREEPMUSED, I would like to keep upgrading my creepcabulary and I would like everyone to try their hand at this fun new word game. (2) There are some themes we just can’t let go of. Emily’s got a legit arc now, but I’ll probably always still be accusing her of being boring, just like I’ll never stop accusing Jenna of being not-blind, especially when the show hands it to us like that.

Sara: Creeptacular! Creepgusting! Creepsturbing!

Lor: I really creepreciate this game. Well done.

Aria spells out that all this shit is happening because they told the truth to an adult. This is the kind of power A has, and this is what happens to them for trying to escape that. Hanna doesn’t really believe that giving into A’s demands will bring Dr. Anne back. Spencer says that this is all actually kind of brilliant because A is forcing them to get what they want, it’s just going to wreak havoc in the process. Aria’s all, “and this is why telling the truth is STUPID.” Okay, girl. You could also stop doing illegal things you have to hide, BUT LOL. YOU COULD JUST KEEP HAVING SECRETS.

Anyway, Spencer thinks A will be perfectly fine killing Dr. Anne if they don’t do their doll missions.

Back in the present, the dirt covered girls are still in the interrogation room, no parent in sight. Aria says she’d like to make a phone call now. Out in the station, Office Pedo Garrett is telling his cop-boss that page 5 is missing from every copy of Alison’s autopsy report. It’s the page that had the analysis of the trace evidence found on Ali’s body. Cop Boss is pissed, but Pedo Garrett looks less so.

Aria’s face crumbles as she makes a call and tells whoever is on the other line that she made a terrible mistake.

6 hours earlier. Aria finds Jackie, who snarks, “looking for Mr. Fitz? Wrong floor.” Aria lets herself into the office and just silently presents Jackie with her plagiarized paper and the original paper. Jackie asks who knows about this (no one) and what Aria wants from her. Aria tells her to leave Hollis, and then is all, “SORRY. SORRY. SORRY.” before promptly leaving. Out in the hall, Aria ignores a call from Ezra.

Sweeney: I’m so angry and annoyed by this Jackie development. I really liked Jackie Molina, and the headcanon where she’s traumatized that her ex-fiance is such a pedobear. I hate them for ruining this for me.

Sara: Maybe she is so traumatized by this, that she spiraled into a deep depression and plagiarized because of that. PLEASE?

Lor: That’s actually not a half bad explanation.

5 hours earlier. Emily and Hanna are talking wedding and Shay Mitchell looks beautiful. They are interrupted by Shitbag Marin. Emily leaves. Hanna and Papa Marin talk about how he really does love Isabelle and how they can be one big happy family if she just accepts them. Hanna looks conflicted.

Sara: I can’t think anything but FUCK YOU every time I see Shitbag Marin. Don’t care, whatever.

Lor: Sugar Baby Truck. Spencer is struggling to tell Toby what she needs to tell him. First, she confesses that she lied to him about how much her father told her. Toby is hurt, because he thought she trusted him. She doesn’t respond and then says he deserves someone who can be honest with him. It’s a drive by break-up. She seriously is all, ‘CAN’T BE WITH YOU. BYE.” and runs away from him. This is her version of keeping Toby safe, is keeping him away from her. Spencer collapses in tears and who is on hand to witness her breakdown? Dr. Ex-Fiancee Cute But Still Pedo-y Wren. Of course.

Sweeney: I hate this on all the levels. I hate the break-up because stupid and I hate Wren because pedo. I feel like I can just say, “because Rosewood” and it’ll mean the same thing — just, you know, so that we don’t have to use the word “pedophile” quite so many times in a post.

Lor: I think the break-up is drama for the sake of drama. They have absolutely no proof to support that A’s going to be all, “oh, she broke up with him? I’LL LEAVE HIM ALONE NOW!”

Montgomery Manse. Aria is getting all dolled up and Piper Mom tells her she looks beautiful. Aria asks how Mike’s therapy session went, and Piper Mom says it was promising. She also apologizes to her daughter for asking her to lie. I really like Holly Marie Combs so it’s confusing to not like Piper Mom, especially during moments like these where she basically says that she made a mistake and parents are people too. Aria’s response of, “we all get it wrong sometimes,” makes me a little gaggy though, so it’s a wash.

There’s a knock at the door and Aria is surprised to find Jackie come to fight fire with fire. Aria’s all, “OMG. CAN WE PLEASE NOT THREATEN RIGHT NOW, MY MOM IS UPSTAIRS.” Not having your own space is such a bitch. Anyway, Jackie says that she shares some traits with Aria, which means that Ezra must have a type, I guess apart from that whole “consenting adult” thing. Jackie says she’s also willing to do whatever it takes to “keep” Ezra, even though Aria points out she doesn’t have Ezra. Jackie says she’s not leaving Hollis but Aria will leave Ezra, or else she’s going to uncover their not-secret secret affair. Aria says that would hurt Ezra a lot more than it would hurt Aria, but Jackie’s willing to see that happen. Jackie ends her threat with a snarky, “cute dress!”

Sweeney: Because, as always, anyone who would out the pedolationship is obviously evil. UGH. (But, like, fashion-conscious evil, of course. Rosewood’s evil crowd need to get with the Traumaland program and invest in some leather and take up smoking.)

Sara: And I don’t get how this is super threatening because Ezra and Aria make out in public ALL THE TIME. Sense: This makes none.

Lor: Emily is driving, following instructions on her GPS which is apparently being fritzy. It is then that Emily notices that she’s got her very own doll in that back seat of her car. It says, “I’m taking you to her. Go alone.” The GPS hilariously is all, “RIGHT TURN PLEASE,” because Emily isn’t right turning fast enough. Impatient ass GPS.

Cop Boss is telling a group of reporters that it was an anonymous tip that lead the police to the suspects, but that’s all he’s saying. Garrett starts ushering the reporters away and there is some fantastic dubbed in voices of reporters asking follow up questions but (1) it sounds like 50 people and it’s only 3 and (2) none of the reporters are moving their mouths. So much fun.

Sweeney: Right, and just to add to the sloppiness of this bit, one of the questions we do hear is, “Do you have any suspects?” which is the actual dumbest question they could have asked. Given how little police work happens in this town, the reporters don’t even know how to interview cops. Nobody over the age of 18 can do any detecting in Rosewood.

Lor: Unintentional comedy at its best. I’m still laughing.

Spencer is glaring MOTHER FUCKING DAGGERS at the one way glass in the interrogation room. God damn. (S: LIKE A BOSS.)

Sara: I LOVE HER. That look is fucking terrifying.

Lor: Seriously, the more I look at that gif the more CREEPMUSED I am.

4 hours earlier. Spencer is thanking Wren for driving her home and he flirts a little, but Spencer says she has to go. Wren says it’s inappropriate but he’s desperate to kiss her. Spencer says that’s a bad idea, but he kisses her anyways. Spencer tells him he has terrible timing. By like years.

Sweeney: He was endearing in his first appearance. I hate him a little more each time we see him.

Lor: At the church, Emily still hasn’t arrived and Aria and Spencer are worried. Caleb stands with Hanna as she dryly comments on how happy her father looks with Isabelle. Kate comes over to make snarky comments, but Hanna’s phone rings and she leaves. Kate tells Caleb he’s wearing a handsome suit (weird compliment) and Caleb tells her she’s wearing a pretty dress… but it gives her back fat. He pronounces “back fat” very clearly and it’s all sorts of precious.

Sara: Can we all take turns with Caleb being our boyfriend? 

Lor: Hanna has a text from A.

Emily arrives at her destination and her shoes are fierce. (S: A+ shoes)

At the wedding, the girls are worried because Emily hasn’t shown up. So, Hanna interrupts the ceremony and I seriously CRINGE. Hanna asks to talk to Isabelle for a moment, and Isabelle’s all class when she steps down from the altar without punching any bitches.

We cut back to Spencer telling Aria that Hanna’s going to need a getaway car. They step out.

Sweeney: True friends know when you need a getaway car.

Lor: Back in the rectory, Hanna tells Isabelle that Mama and Papa Marin hooked up while he was in Rosewood. Of course, Papa Marin is right there because he followed them. Hanna apologizes to her dad but the damage is done. She immediately gets a text message.

Emily calls out for Dr. Anne as she walks into a barn. There is a running car inside and we get a few ominous shots of the muffler so we get the NOXIOUS GASES! thing before Emily is locked inside. Emily panics.

Present. At the police station Toby is making a fuss and starts yelling that he loves Spencer when he sees her. She ignores him, but she’s also kind of busy being detained at the moment.

3 hours earlier. Emily is on the ground of the barn and we get another close up of the muffle. The barn door opens and someone pulls Emily out. We cut to her waking up to a sunny sky. Alison leans over her and tells her it’s good to see her again, because she misses her the most. Alison says, “that bitch thinks this is what you really want, to be completely free of A.” She also says she knows who A is, but won’t tell Emily who it is, because it’s a bad idea. Emily asks why and she replies with an opening credits lyric. SERIOUSLY. I’M NOT EVEN JOKING YOU.

But, like, Alison is dead? OR IS SHE. She tells Em to decide if she’s staying or coming with her, and then kisses her.

Sweeney: EVERYTHING IS A LIE! I forgot about when we went around shouting that Ali was not dead. Should we resume that now? You know, with the blind and the boring and all the other lessons I’m learning from the Spencer Hastings School of Being Loud and Probably Wrong.

Sara: I just want to say that I love this drug-induced Alison. First, at the hospital with Hanna, and now with Emily. She’s much sweeter than the version in the flashbacks, right?

Lor: By far. Alison is better on drugs.

Emily wakes up again (for real?) to find the other Liars leaning over her. They ask her questions and she tells them that she saw Alison alive.

Present. Emily joins the other girls in the interrogation room.

Mariska Mom is telling some cops that she she wants to see her daughter. Papa Hastings is also there, and he intercepts Jason who some how thinks he should be there. Those two speak in vague terms about some secret they are keeping, that Jason knew he’d find out about, which is why he moved back into the house. Mariska Mom isn’t in on the secret and Papa Hastings says that she won’t find out about it yet either.

Pedo Garrett has been watching this exchange. Someone approaches his desk, and from this someone’s POV, we see Garrett look up, freaked out, and say, “you shouldn’t be here!”

2 hours earlier. Emily spots a shovel that wasn’t there when she got there. On the shovel are some coordinates. Hanna shares the “running out of air” text. The girls follow the coordinates, scared that A buried Dr. Anne alive. They find the supposed burial place and start digging, all in a panic, especially when they find a pair of boots. A bit more unearthing, however, reveals a mask and not a person. Just then, the girls hear helicopter sounds and see flashing police lights. They are surrounded by cops. A set them up, big time, they just aren’t sure for what.

Sweeney: HELICOPTERS! This is definitely A’s most ridic set-up yet. I’m a little impressed.

Sara: And what crime were they committing, exactly, that required helicopters? Digging in the woods? Is that illegal now?

Lor: Present. Papa Hastings is talking to the rest of the of the Liar Parents, telling them that they need a criminal attorney. Just then, Ezra walks up and Piper Mom is all, “I got this.” She tells Ezra to GTFO of town. Her trying to control her disgust in this moment is so great, and I’m actually really disappointed when it’s clear that she still thinks Ezra is talking about Spencer when he confesses that he’s in love with “her.” Ezra is speechless.

In the interrogation room, the girls are baffled by the fact that Stupid Wilden was put back on their case, but Mariska Mom figures he’s got some pretty serious evidence against them.

Sara: Still confused over here, about what these girls have been arrested for… 

Lor: On the other side of the glass, Pedo Garrett is rendezvousing with Blind But I Still Hate You Jenna, who says she wishes she could see the Liars squirming. They talk of their evil plans semi-vaguely. Garrett can’t wait to quit the force, but he’s going to wait a little longer to do it. They know Jason has figured out he was only being Toby Edited, and he didn’t actually kill Alison. Jason doesn’t know, though, that it was Jenna and Garrett who wrote “that note.” Jenna gloats about getting away with it.

Sweeney: This scene was super pointless, except that it’s a page out of the Big Book of Villain Gloating! Weee!

Lor: I can only hope that this means it’s only a matter of time before they are shut up.

In the interrogation room, Wilden is telling the girls that when Ali was murdered, someone hit her over the head real hard. He puts down a shovel in a evidence bag and says that the police have known all along what the murder weapon was, and they finally caught the girls with it.

Sara: LOL. THIS IS THE CRIME? OH OK, SHOW.

Lor: Right, because the police can GUESS that Ali was hit over the head with A shovel, but since they were found like, 30 minutes ago in the woods, there is NO FUCKING WAY they could know it was THIS shovel, right?

Garrett pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket and hands it to Jenna, telling her to burn it. It’s page 5 of Allison’s autopsy report. He tells her that it’s over, and there is nothing left to link the two of them to the night Ali was murdered. Jenna says that Ali deserved to die that way, but Garrett looks less than convinced.

A-nonymous. From A’s POV we walk through a diner and sit opposite Dr. Anne who says she’s done everything that was asked of her. A hands her an envelope and she leaves. The waitress comes over and calls A “pretty eyes,” and offers a piece of pie.

I wonder if this set people off when they first watched. WHO HAS PRETTY EYES IN ROSEWOOD? DAMN IT. I NEED TO MAKE A CHART AND SOME GRAPHICS.

 

 

Next time: It’s a relatively well timed Halloween episode that takes place before Alison went missing. A whole episode with Ali? Oh boy. Tune in for Pretty Little Liars S02 E13 – The First Secret.