Angel S03 E12 – Heads you lose.

Previously: Cordy challenged Buffy’s crown for Worstest Birthday Ever by getting a vision that threw her spirit out of her body, and then having to become part demon.
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Provider

Kirsti: We open with Angel loading small change into a piggy bank as Cordy holds the baby and eye rolls. Fred asks how the fund for Connor’s future is going, and Angel informs her that he found a perfectly good $1.83 in the sofa cushions. He puts the piggy bank into the safe behind Wes’ desk, and heads over to look at what Fred’s doing on the computer. She’s designing a new website for Angel Investigations. He issues some demands – make something bigger, bolder and more tasteful – and then walks away. She sasses a little behind his back.

Sweeney: I know that feel, Fred. I know that feel.

K: Cut to Cordy, who’s delivering some nauseating baby talk to Connor. (L: I think baby talk is the worst– until I catch myself doing it to my baby niece. Womp.) Angel joins in before Cordy interrupts to say that while she’s thrilled he wants to provide for his son by working pretty much any case ever, they shouldn’t lose sight of the mission – they work for the Powers That Be (Contriving) first, and everyone else second. Gunn walks in and announces that he’s just delivered 6,000 Angel Investigations flyers all over LA. Fred announces that the website is live, and the Fang Gang crowd around the computer as Angel says that they just have to sit back and wait for the phone calls to start. They stare at the silent phone.

Lor: Guys, you gave out fliers five minutes ago. Go take a nap or something.

K: Cut to a guy running down an alley in the rain. Something shadowy is following him. He trips over a rubbish bin, and lands on an Angel Investigations flyer. (L: Oh, okay. My bad. Five minutes is enough.) He runs down the street to a pay phone, and dials the number. Back at the Hyperion, the phone is decidedly NOT ringing. Instead, a pizza shop answers. In the Hyperion office, Fred picks up a flyer and asks if it’s the right phone number. Everyone turns to stare as Wes. Womp womp. Cue electric cello.

Lor: It’d been a while since he tripped over his two feet. This was close enough.

K: I kinda miss Awkward Season 1 Wesley…

After the credits, Wes walks through the door with a handful of flyers and announces that he’s just distributed 6,000 new ones. Gunn has no fucks to give though because he’s too busy staring at Fred – who’s holding Connor – with puppy dog eyes. Wes says it’s adorable, and Gunn agrees, except he’s talking about Fred and not Connor. Gunn and Wes share an awkward look. Angel walks in and Wes apologises for fucking up the flyers. Angel’s all “Yeah, whatevs” and asks Lorne, who’s just walking down the stairs, to use his contacts to find Holtz. Because making money and finding Holtz are their top priorities. Cordy clears her throat and Angel adds “helping the helpless” to the top of the list. Cordy gets excited because they have hits on their website, and then the phones start to ring. Angel fangirls.

Lor: I loved Angel’s “our three number one priorities.” It sounds like the story of my life. And this blog.

K: Cut to Holtz’s lair. Justine is sitting at a table all sweaty and gross, and tells Holtz that he should be thanking her for dusting two vamps. He tells her that he gave her orders to walk away and she disobeyed those orders. She sasses at him, and he says that they’re there to determine if she has the commitment to be part of his team. The camera pans out to show us that her hand is pinned to the table by something that looks like a screwdriver. Welp, that explains why she’s all sweaty and gross…

He asks why she’s doing this, and she says – in a way that very much echoes Buffy at the moment – that feeling something is better than feeling nothing. This is apparently acceptable, as he tells her she can remove the screwdriver from her hand at any time, and if she’s still there when he gets back they can discuss the next stage of their partnership.

Sweeney: Yeah,  Justine, girl, partners who stab you are not good partners.

K: Accurate. Hyperion. The lobby is filled with people and beasties. The Fang Gang move through the crowd, taking down details and talking to clients. Lorne tells Angel that a group of robed alien looking things with chrome facemasks have a job for the Fang Gang’s leader that will pay big time. Angel’s all “I’M THERE,” but Lorne actually means Wes. Womp womp. Angel heads around behind the front desk and Cordy tells him that they’re spreading themselves too thin. He says they can handle it, and she tells him to handle the multiple ringing phone lines. He starts taking messages, prioritising based on what people do for a living. With an attitude like that, Angel, you could run for Congress!!

Lor: A part of me, the part that is an unpaid blogger, sees his struggle and nods at it a little bit. Just a little.

Sweeney: I nodded too. All those shows at the very bottom of our to-do list could move up real fast if a network realized that we’re amazing and paid us to watch their show. JUST SAYING.

K: True. But I still maintain Angel’s “rich people first” attitude is a dick move.

In Wes’ office, Gunn is talking to a blonde woman who says that she’s being stalked by her ex-boyfriend and that she’s scared to answer the phones or leave the house. Gunn asks if she’s been to the police (LOL), and she says that she has but they didn’t take her seriously. He says that’s often the way until someone dies. “Somebody IS dead,” she replies. Her ex-boyfriend, to be specific. But he’s still stalking her. Gunn gets “Dude, WTF??” face.

Lor: Really, Gunn? The hospital last episode, the police this episode, plus shock at the undead? Are you new?

K: Clearly. Out in the lobby, Lorne is attempting to translate Chrome Alien speak for Wes. Apparently the Chrome Aliens want to buy Wes’ mind as a present for their prince and they want him to solve a traditional puzzle. Fred walks up and is all “Oh, that makes sense because their robes are covered in nerdy math stuff that Kirsti doesn’t understand.” It’s possible that’s not exactly what she says. Anyway, Wes is as much in the dark as I am. There’s a sudden flurry of Chrome Alien speak, and the Chrome Aliens rush off to converse with the prince. Gunn calls out from the office that he thinks Wes’ help is needed, and Wes heads off. Back behind the desk, Angel hangs up the phone, grabs his page of notes, dumps Connor with Cordy and rushes out to deal with his big case.

Cut to an office above a factory floor. Denny Duquette John Winchester (S: Judah Botwin) Jeffrey Dean Morgan is sitting behind the desk. He hangs up the phone as Angel walks in, and introduces himself as Harlan Elster, which is an even stupider name than Denny Duquette. I’m gonna just call him JDM. ANYWAY. JDM thinks that Angel’s a bit of a pretty boy (SHOTS!), and hands him a file.

He wants Angel to go and clear out a vamp nest in what used to be low income housing. But apparently said vamps aren’t after blood. They’re running a protection ring and demanding money to not attack JDM’s employees. They want $5,000 by midnight. He writes Angel a cheque for $5,000 and says he’ll get another one when the job is finished. Angel’s all “…that’s double what they want??”, but apparently it’s about the principle of the thing rather than money. Angel heads out. We stay in the office with JDM. A door opens behind him and an older dude appears. He asks what JDM is doing in his office, and JDM calls the older guy Mr. Elster before knocking him out. Good call on referring to him as JDM, Past Me!! Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Justine is now lying on the table with the screwdriver still in her hand. Holtz returns and crouches beside her. He takes hold of the screwdriver, and tells her that he wants her to go and find others like her, who’ve lost everything to vampires and have the same hatred and fire that they did. He yanks the screwdriver out of her hand and she screams, cradling her hand to her chest. He hands her a handkerchief and asks if she’s learnt her lesson. She says that she has, and then punches him in the face.

Lor: See, I would’ve taken out the screwdriver and waited for him to return, which probably would’ve been the wrong answer. I can’t be on Holtz’s team. Because of that and because I find him BO-RING.

Sweeney: Yeah, definitely wouldn’t be able to get past getting stabbed with a screwdriver.

K: The screwdriver wouldn’t have been in my hand long enough for him to leave.

Hyperion. Angel walks in waving the cheque for $5,000. Cordy and Fred are sitting next to Connor’s bassinette, which is in the middle of the lobby for inexplicable reasons. Wes and Gunn are apparently out on the Dead Stalker Boyfriend case. “That’s terrible. Did you…” Angel starts, and Cordy interrupts to say that yes, she ran the woman’s credit before they took the case. Yup. Definitely eligible for Congress, Angel…

Cordy suggests that maybe they shouldn’t take on so many cases at once, because what if they’re all out and someone comes in needing help? That’s Lorne’s cue to enter, all drunk-faced, and change the subject to the information he got about Holtz from his snitch. Basically, it’s stuff that we already know – he’s super pissed with Angel, he killed all his demon soldiers, and he wants to replace them with human ones.

Cordy suddenly snatches up Plastic Doll Connor, and announces that they have company. The Chrome Aliens are back. Lorne translates that they don’t want Wes any more – they want Fred and her giant brain. Fred’s all blushy and aw shucks-y. Angel asks how long it would take and where she’d have to go. A couple of days and a boat at the marina is the answer. Fred agrees, and Angel tells Lorne to go with Fred to translate, and to ensure that he tells the Chrome Demons that the fee will include overtime. The Chrome Aliens open the metal briefcase they’ve got with them and present the Fang Gang with $50,000. Angel grins and grabs the suitcase. It’s a little bit creepy:

 

Seizure cut to Dead Stalker Boyfriend’s house. She’s pleased Wes and Gunn are there, and mentions something about Fred having said that they inspire confidence. Wes and Gunn pretty much do this:

Sweeney: I know it’s not new, but now that this subplot train is picking up steam: I AM VERY AFRAID FOR WHAT THIS LOVE TRIANGLE IS GOING TO DO FOR MY FAVORITE BROMANCE. FRED, CHOOSE NEITHER ONE AND LET THEM STAY TOGETHER FOREVER.

K: *cries quietly in the “I KNOW THINGS” corner*

She hands them a photo of Dead Stalker Boyfriend [DSB], and asks if they know how sometimes you meet someone and you know you’re meant to be together because it just feels… “Comfortable,” they reply together. There’s some more awkwardness before the topic is changed to WHY DSB is stalking her. Wes says that maybe he has unfinished business, something to tell her. Gunn, on the other hand, chimes in with an apologetic “Or maybe he just wants to eat your intestines.” Wes starts on a spiel about how zombies eating people is a myth, and obviously that’s DSB’s cue to bust the door open and grab Wes. Gunn beats him off with a bat and they get the door shut again.

Down at the marina, the Chrome Aliens show Fred the puzzle they want her to solve. It’s big chunks of glass that are covered in mysterious symbols. She starts coming up with hypotheses, and Lorne’s all “Sure, that.” A Chrome Alien offers them hors d’oeuvres of eyeballs and bugs on rice crackers. Lorne looks grossed out and politely refuses for both of them.

Seizure cut to a darkened street that looks an awful lot like the one where Doyle’s demon clan were hiding out back in that Nazi Demons episode (sniff, tear, sob). Angel walks into the vamp nest and starts mocking under his breath. Footsteps approach and a vampire walks through the door. There’s a brief fight (that I would describe but it’s too dark to see anything properly) before Angel stakes him. Two more vamps enter, and one calls dibs on Angel’s coat.

Lor: COAT SHOTS! (I just made that a thing.)

Sweeney: GREAT.

 

K: We need more shots around here. But there probably need to be rules about Coat Shots, otherwise we’ll be hammered two minutes into each episode…

Cut to Harlan Elster’s office. The REAL Harlan is in there, flipping through a file. Angel walks in and there’s some awkwardness. Harlan tells him that JDM is a guy named Sam Ryan who used to work for him. He got fired six months ago because he kept asking Harlan to bankroll his “clear out the vamp nest” plan. Angel tears up the cheque and heads towards the door as Harlan scoffs about the idea of immortal creatures living in a rat infested building guarding their treasure. The last word catches Angel’s attention.

Back at the marina, Fred’s making progress. Lorne, on the other hand, is feeling queasy and asks a nearby Chrome Alien where the bathroom is. He heads off to puke and Fred slides another piece into place. That causes the Chrome Alien to rush off. We follow Lorne up a flight of stairs. He stops when he hears some Chrome Alien chatter coming from behind him, and spooky music starts up as he heads towards it. He peeps through into a curtained alcove to see a maskless Chrome Alien doing some laboured Darth Vader breathing in a chair. Another Chrome Alien turns a laptop screen towards its sick companion, and the screen shows Fred’s head superimposed on his body. The Chrome Aliens inform Darth Vader (aka the prince) that they’ve found a head worthy to rest on his shoulders. Lorne gets “OH SHIT” face, but is promptly hit over the head. Stitch lines appear across Photo Fred’s neck. Fade to black.

Lor: To be fair, these guys did say they wanted to buy a MF brain and no one said anything. Not all things are lost in translation.

K: So true. After the Not Commercial Break, Cordy is bouncing up and down in front of Connor’s crib, trying to prove that she can float. It’s a giant fail, but she promises Connor that she can do it. She starts telling Connor how weird his life is going to be, what with his vampire father and his floating, vision having aunt. She tells him that Angel’s a champion (shots!) and that he loves Connor very much, and that’s why he’s out fighting evil for money.

Seizure cut over to the vamp nest, which is filled with stuff that they took from their victims. JDM walks in and looks around. He heads over to a dresser and picks up a watch. Angel appears and grabs his arm. He asks what magical powers the watch has, and JDM is all “…it glows in the dark?” It’s pretty much worthless, except that it belonged to JDM’s friend and the vampires took it when they killed him. Angel says that he’s sorry JDM’s friend is dead, but that he didn’t kill three vamps for nothing and he wants his ten grand. “Seven,” JDM replies. Angel’s all “Okay, FINE”, but what JDM meant was that there were seven vamps nesting there. Womp womp.

Back at the hotel, Cordy is waving a chunk of the $50,000 in Connor’s face, because…IDK, babies love money? She puts it back in the briefcase and goes to close the lid, which throws her into a vision. Now that she’s not having major headaches and collapsing, her visions are indicated by some serious overtime work from the Zoomy Cameraman. She sees Fred solve the puzzle and then a knife/sword heading for Fred’s throat. Cut to Fred placing another piece of the puzzle as some Chrome Aliens chatter behind her.

Dead Stalker Boyfriend girl’s house. She demands to know how long it’s going to take because she has plans. Wes says that they’ve secured all the entrances. Obviously, glass breaks somewhere in the house, and Gunn realises they forgot the skylight in the kitchen. DSB shouts out to the girl, and Wes tells her to run for the bedroom while he and Gunn fight DSB. They throw him off and run after her. Hyperion. Cordy’s cranky because no one is answering their phones. So she picks up Connor and the money, and resolves to go down to the marina and give the money back while explaining that it was all a big misunderstanding.

Lor: These people need to locate a babysitter STAT.

K: SO MUCH OMFG.

Dead Stalker Boyfriend girl’s house. Wes and Gunn barricade the door as DSB demands to know why Ally won’t talk to him. She demands that the guys get rid of DSB, but he’s stronger than they are and manages to push the door open far enough to stick his head through. DSB and Ally bicker about how possessive he was when he was alive, and that’s why she dumped him, and he sulks. She tells him that it’s typical – he always blusters, then pouts. And that reading her diary was creepy. He agrees that it was a mistake, but no reason to poison him. Wes and Gunn are all “Wait, WHAT??”, but that gets blown right past because DSB wants to get back together. Ally’s all “Ew, gross. You’re DEAD. Well, okay,” and I throw up in my mouth. Doubly so because I just worked out that DSB also played Coach Bieste’s domestic abuse-y husband in Glee. Ally and DSB kiss, and Wes demands to know whether she’ll be paying by cash or charge.

Lor: They may not have done what they were hired to do, but those match making skillz should be compensated.

K: Vamp nest. JDM is holding the door closed while Angel sits to one side, insisting that he can’t fight until he gets paid. Eventually, he says that he’ll help barricade the door but nothing else. JDM apologises for lying to him, and Angel says that being a champion isn’t easy and that he can’t work for free because it sets a precedent. Right, like all those times you worked for free for the Powers That Be (Contriving)?? He says that maybe they can work something out, but JDM says the bank owns his car, he rents his house, and his credit is shot because he’s unemployed and spent all his money tracking down the vamps.

The marina. Fred slides the last piece of the puzzle into place, forming a pyramid that instantly glows. The Chrome Aliens chatter excitedly, and Fred gets all “Aww, shucks” again. They pull her out of her chair and rush her towards the door. She asks if they’re going to celebrate, and then asks if they’ve seen Lorne because she’s worried about him. They enter the curtained alcove where we see Lorne tied up on the floor and then Darth Vader Prince, and Fred’s suddenly worried for herself. The Chrome Aliens tie her to a chair and one pulls out the scimitar from Cordy’s vision. Just as they’re about to chop off her head, Cordy walks in, still holding Connor and the money. She demands that Lorne translate and says that there was a misunderstanding but they need Fred’s head attached to her body and at the office. She returns the money, and the Chrome Aliens pull out their weapons, because apparently Lorne assumed that Angel, Wes and Gunn were present, and told them they were surrounded by fierce warriors. Cordy’s all “Uh, NO. And also, OH SHIT.” Fade to black.

Sweeney: There was something kind of awesomely BAMFy about Cordelia strolling in and threatening demons while holding a baby. This bit was clearly written deliberately to get us that image and I approve.

K: Right there with you. After the Not Commercial Break, we’re back at the vamp nest. Angel smashes a window and says that he’s going to get JDM out. JDM refuses, saying that he has to kill the vamps to avenge his friend. Angel drags him out of the way and starts talking angrily about expecting to get paid for doing a job. The door bursts open and the vamps rush in. He stakes two without looking, still talking about all his expenses, then pulls a third vamp off JDM and stakes it. The fourth runs away. Angel’s phone beeps as he storms out with JDM saying that he owes him.

The marina. The Chrome Aliens close in around Cordy. She kicks one in the groin, but apparently they have Chrome Jock Straps too because there’s a loud clang. (L: For an occasion such as this, I would assume.) She backs away, hopping a little and disappears through the curtain. She reappears a split second later, flanked by Gunn and Wes. They attack, and there’s a brief bro-tastic fight. The Chrome Alien next to Fred raises the scimitar again and she screams. Wes and Gunn both pick up objects and hurl them. Gunn’s metal pole knocks Scimitar Alien backwards, while the briefcase of money that Wes threw knocks Darth Vader Prince’s head off. Whoops. All the fighting stops as the Chrome Aliens stare at their headless prince sadly before attacking en masse. There’s a tinkling sound from above, and Angel arrives through the skylight. He throws himself into the fight.

Lor: Angel and skylights, man. It’s a thing.

K: Shots? Cut to sometime later. Wes and Gunn work on freeing Fred as the camera pans over a bunch of dead Chrome Aliens. Angel tells Cordy that he should have listened to her, and she’s all “Um, DUH.” The guys free Fred, who says that she could kiss them both. They both lean in, but are interrupted by Lorne, who’s still tied up on the floor and would like to not be any more.

Angel tells the others that he got too focused on the money, and that what’s really important is family and the mission. It’s kind of unconvincing though, because he’s staring at the $50,000 that’s now spilled across the floor. Cordy sighs a little and tells him that they’ve earned every penny. She takes Connor as Angel and the rest of the Fang Gang rush towards the money and start stuffing their pockets.

Hyperion. Cordy sings a lullaby to Connor, who’s laying on the bed between her and Angel. They’re dozing off while Connor drinks from a bottle. Cordy wants to use the money to buy a boat, while Angel’s in favour of a college fund. She says they can do both, and he wants to know when he’ll get to use the boat. She suggests renting a ski cabin at Aspen instead, and they both doze off while muttering about chipmunk robots on ice.

Well. That was a weird ending to an otherwise okay episode. Not great. We haven’t had great on AtS for a long time now. But it was definitely a notch above ordinary.

Lor: Agreed! Having so many different cases kept the pace up, which was nice. The Angel/money thing was a bit over played, but I’m over all glad they’ve found a way to replace their Big Bag of Racist Money. A round of applause for the Chrome Alien Suitcase of Money.

Sweeney: I think “a notch above ordinary” sums it up perfectly. Angel’s whole story for the episode could have been taken down to about half that intensity. But they did seem to snag an upgrade on the money situation; Chrome Alien Suitcase of Money sounds way more legit. Good job, guys!

 

Next time: The Fang Gang go to the ballet, and there’s a totally awesome guest star. Find out all the details in Angel S03 E13 – Waiting in the Wings.