Previously: All three books in which murderapist Stalker Boyfriend Christian Grey met and abused spineless nitwit Anastasia Steele. Nothing happened, despite all those words and in the end, um, nothing happened.
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Lorraine: I’m going to try very hard not to get angry during this epilogue because (1) – We have a whole week’s worth of series ending posts to get through and I probably have to ration my anger. You know, plan this wisely and avoid an ulcer or drowning my liver or whatever and (2) – THIS IS THE END, FOR REAL. These are the last words to read, EVER. This is really a celebration, so HAPPY EPILOGUE, EVERYONE!
Sweeney: HAPPY EPILOGUE TO YOU TOO, LOR!
Lor: The epilogue takes us to May 2014 and we are told we’re at “The Big House.” So like prison? GREY WENT TO PRISON?
No, he didn’t.
Sweeney: Accurate gifs are accurate. But it’s the epilogue, so fuck you, ELJ. I shall now be reading the chapter as though Grey is in prison and Ana is in a psychiatric ward.
Lor: In not-Sweeney’s-headcanon, The Big House is referring to that house the Greys were building. Ana’s in the meadow near her house, lying in the sun thinking about how sorry not sorry she is that her life is amazing. Her husband is awesome, and thinking of her husband sends her into a memory of the previous night at their home in Escala. So they are going back and forth between homes? Okay. Sure. I’m sure letting go of that conveniently slow elevator and the Red Womb of Domestic Violence were hard.
We cut away to what is presumably the sexy time memory Ana is referring to. Grey has got a flogger and he’s asking if she’s had enough. Ana begs, “Oh, please.” and that’s not really answering his question, but okay. She’s blindfolded and tied up. Grey hits her because she didn’t say sir, but then he rubs her butt and slides some fingers in her vagina. Of course, he makes the “you’re so ready!” comment, AND I FIGURED IT OUT. While ELJ was writing her last chapter, AKA every other chapter smashed into one, SHE FORGOT TO INCLUDE A YOU’RE SO READY COMMENT. She worried not, however, because: epilogue.
Sweeney: I knew something was missing in the last chapter! (You know, besides an actual ending.) Good thing we have this handy epilogue here!
Lor: So, Grey slides fingers in and out of her and also fondles her breasts. Then he makes her suck on his fingers and she thinks, “even I taste good on his fingers.” Because OF COURSE Ana’s vaginal juices taste the absolute worst, so THANK GOODNESS she has a perfect man like Grey so that she too can taste good, but ONLY when she’s on his fingers. Happy epilogue everyone!
Sweeney:
Lor: Grey uncuffs Ana and pulls her by her braid, giving us a last chance to use the “Christian Grey’s pop-up hair braiding salon,” tag, which along with the condom factory in his pocket, is one of my favorite of his imagined-by-us endeavors. Goodbye hair braiding salon. So long pocket condom workers.
Sweeney: BE FREE, IMAGINARY PEOPLE! BE FREE!
Lor: Ana grabs Grey to kiss him, but we’re told that only her pregnant belly touches him, so she’s pregnant? So maybe this isn’t in 2014, because I thought Fifty Shades Freed happened in 2011? OR, OH, DEAR GOD. THIS IS DEMON SPAWN NUMBER TWO. Wait. I’m not getting riled up. Nope, not me. Deep breaths.
Is pregnant lady flogging an okay thing? Never mind. I don’t actually want to know.
Sweeney: There are some Google searches too questionable even for us.
Lor: Ana kneels and gives Grey a blow job. It comes with some old friends like gazing at him through her lashes and sheathing her teeth like a vampire and an OH MY. After the blowie, he picks her up and puts her on the bed, and they have sex. She comes on command and he does one second after while crying her name.
After, those two are in bed and Grey asks how his daughter is, confirming that yes, this is Demon Spawn #2, or Demon Spawnette if you will. Apparently the Greys are calling her “Blip Two.” No.
WAIT. Let me actually share this piece in its entirety:
“How’s my daughter?”
“She’s dancing.” I laugh.
“Dancing? Oh yes! Wow. I can feel her.” He grins as Blip Two somersaults inside me.
“I think she likes sex already.”
Christian frowns. “Really?” he says dryly. He moves so his lips are against my bump. “There’ll be none of that until you’re thirty, young lady.” I giggle. “Oh, Christian, you are such a hypocrite.”
I’m not getting angry in this epilogue, but I can be disgusted right? Because EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW.
I THINK SHE LIKES SEX ALREADY? 
WHAT THE HELL? THAT IS HIS DAUGHTER. JESUS CHRIST THAT MEANS THAT YOU ARE SAYING THAT YOUR FETUS DAUGHTER JUST ENJOYED SEX WITH HER FATHER AND WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
And, “you are such a hypocrite?” RIGHT BECAUSE HE WAS HAVING STATUTORY RAPE SEX AT 15, SEE? HYPOCRITE.
I think I cheated. I think I got a little angry.
Um.
HAPPY EPILOGUE!
Sweeney: My eye is twitching a little. I really thought I was going to get through this with minimal rage, but I THINK OUR FETUS LOVES SEX is just too fucking much to handle.
Also: gag-worthy reminder that ELJ dedicated this trilogy to her children!
Lor: Christian goes on to say that he enjoys Ana pregnant because there is more of her (as in mass and area) and that he enjoys her breast milk. Ana calls him kinky and he says she likes it.
We cut to a different scene and this time Ana is being woken up by the sound of her son and Grey playing. Apparently, her son’s name is Teddy. Or Ted. Some variation of that, but she calls him TEDDY. TEDDY GREY.
Ana thinks about how patient Grey is, yeah with their kid, but more importantly with her. Ana sits up and she sees Grey throwing Teddy Grey up into the air, giving him kisses, rustling his copper hair and tickling him. See? He’s an amazing father. You can tell especially by the tickles.
Teddy Grey and Christian find Ana. Teddy Grey gets very excited, and Christian has to tell him to be gentle with Ana, but she smiles at the “irony” because Grey was flogging her pregnant ass last night.
Sweeney: It’s so ironic how my husband is literally the greatest threat to my life while he is also constantly pretending to protect me from everyone else!
Lor: Grey gives his world famous Blackberry to Teddy Grey to quiet him for a while, giving Ana time to admire how handsome Grey is and how perfect her child is. They exposit that Teddy Grey is turning two the next day and also they want more demon spawn. Then, Sophie Taylor, the Red Power Ranger’s daughter appears and I remember her being mentioned in 1 of 5,687 sub-plots, but I don’t know why. She brings Teddy Grey a Popsicle and takes him off to play nearby.
Sweeney: It’s implied that there was some vague threat to her in the midst of the other various non-threats, but I mostly just remember our (probably accurate) headcanon in which we concluded that getting his daughter through school and well provided for is the only reason The Red Power Ranger endures this awful job.
That’s more information than I’d like to admit that I remember. Can the forgetting/healing begin now?
Lor: Almost, my friend. Almost.
Grey says he enjoyed the previous night’s sex, and that they could do it more often if she quit her job. She ROLLS HER EYES! and he’s all, “did you roll your eyes?” and she did, but he knew that, because he just freakin’ saw her do it. Ana says that “Grey Publishing,” is doing really well, though, so she’s not going to quit. Grey is pretty proud that she’s doing well in hard times, but he likes her, “barefoot and pregnant and in [his] kitchen.”
Seeing that he’s in a good mood, Ana brings up the fact that she wants to name her daughter Ella, AFTER GREY’S CRACK WHORE MOTHER.
Grey’s all, “NO. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.” But then they start making out like it ain’t no thang until Teddy Grey starts crying. Grey runs over to him quickly, and Ana follows, but it turns out he’s just dropped his Popsicle. Ana tells Teddy Grey they’ll just go get another one from “Mrs. Taylor,” telling us that the Red Power Ranger and Mrs. Jones the housekeeper got married. Good for you, Taylor. Happy Epilogue!
To calm Teddy Grey down, Ana tells him to suck the Popsicle traces on his own fingers…? Which just doesn’t seem very sanitary, but okay. He stops crying and she says her two year old is mercurial like his dad. Except her two year old is two years old and her husband is just a dick.
We cut to Christian reading a Dr. Seuss book to Teddy Grey, and then tucking him in before exiting the nursery. Grey kisses Ana and says how he can’t believe Teddy Grey has been around two years. This makes Ana remember the birth and how she had to have AN EMERGENCY C-SECTION. YOU DON’T SAY.
Lor: RIGHT. BECAUSE WE’RE ACTUALLY GOING TO CUT TO THE EMERGENCY C-SECTION NOW.
After fifteen hours of labor, Ana’s contractions are slowing, so the Dr. Best in Seattle is recommending a c-section. Ana wanted to push the baby out, but Grey and the doctor both beg her to do the surgery. Ana finally relents and they whisk her away into the OR. Ana’s scared and after Grey joins her again in his scrubs, she can tell he’s scared too. They cry and whisper that they love each other and then the baby is born. So, I mean, it wasn’t especially traumatic or emergency-y, but I’m not sure what I was expecting. The Greys cry some more and name him Theodore Raymond Grey.
Back in the present (…future), Ana confesses she was just flashbacking to Teddy Grey’s birth. Grey is all, “I AM CHOOSING A C-SECTION FOR YOU THIS TIME. TO HELL WITH YOUR OWN BODY AND DECISIONS. AGAIN.” Ana starts to protest and he’s all, “NO. You almost DIED last time,” which Ana refutes. He changes the subject from autonomy to liking the name Phoebe. Of course, Ana likes it too.
Sweeney: ELJ’s Greatest Hits continue! In case you were wondering, yes, Ana has surrendered her bodily autonomy for the rest of forever.
Lor: They head downstairs to set up Teddy Grey’s birthday gift, which is a train set. They are having a party the next day and Ray and Josecob are coming, as are Kate, Elliot and their new daughter Ava. Ana looks out at the setting sun and marvels at “twilight over the Sound,” see because it says Twilight right there.
The epilogue ends with Grey pulling Ana into his arms and saying that it’s a beautiful view. Ana says it’s home. He kisses her and says he loves her and the last words of the book are, “I love you, too, Christian. Always.”
Sweeney: Just a reminder of how totally NOT plagiarized this book is, the final words of Breaking Dawn are:
“Forever and forever and forever,” he murmured.
“That sounds exactly right to me.”
And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.
Because this is a completely original work of shitty fiction. Right down to the inability to speak above a whisper or murmur.
Lor: Well, that was the technical end, but since we’re doing the damn thing, there is also an author’s note. I don’t like this feeling like ELJ is talking to me without the guise of her crappy characters, but the jist of it is that she is “aware that today you cannot walk into an American bank and withdraw five million dollars.” Apparently what we didn’t hear was Grey telling the Bank Manager to liquidate five of his assets and threatening to move all of his business to another bank if he didn’t.
WHATEVER. I DON’T EVEN CARE ANYMORE. FINE. HE LIQUIDATED FIVE MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF ASSISTS IN 5 MINUTES WITH NO PAPERWORK. FINE.
Oh, dear God. WAIT.
THERE IS MORE: “Bonus Materials: Fifty’s First Christmas.”
Okay. So. Apparently this is the story of little Christian’s first Christmas with the Greys. Mama Grey is decorating the Christmas tree and in short, “kid like” sentences, Baby Grey is all, “wow, that tree is big,” and he also learns the word “ornaments.” Mama Grey touches his hair, and he admits that he likes when she does that and she likes her in general.
Elliot screams from somewhere in the house, and Baby Grey, calling him “Lelliot” says he’s big and loud. Elliot comes in with a picture he drew at school. It has Baby Grey in it, but he’s frowning, while every one else is happy. I have no idea why this stupid bonus material is happening right now. I kind of wish I’d never mentioned it because this is weird and uneventful and awful to recap.
Sweeney: The writing isn’t substantively different from Ana’s usual monologue. It’s basically Ana without the thesaurus.
Lor: I’m sure putting away her Thesaurus for a while was very hard for ELJ.
Through more short sentences we learn that Baby Elliot used to get mad at any attention given to Baby Grey, but then Baby Grey would just smack him. Baby Elliot was afraid of Baby Grey. Seems right.
A short scene shows us Mama Grey telling Baby Grey to alert her when he’s hungry, because he doesn’t need to go hungry.
Later there is a whole paragraph about Baby Grey discovering a piano. It goes like this:
“I like the white sounds. The black sound is wrong. But I like the black sound, too. I go white to black. White to black. Black to white. White, white, white, white. Black, black, black, black.”
I would feel bad about making fun of this stuff from the POV of an abused little boy who hasn’t yet abused or raped anyone, but my main issue is why ELJ would think anyone would want to read this. Baby Grey gets a stocking even though he thinks he’s a bad boy. Papa Grey reads him a bedtime story (but it doesn’t feature rapists or crack whores). Baby Grey gets a helicopter for Christmas and he flies it all around his new house. The end.
Next: “Meet Fifty Shades” and it takes place on Monday, May 9, 2011, which is the day when Ana met Grey for that interview, but now from his point of view because of course. She had to even plagiarize the thing Stephanie Meyer never even finished.
Sweeney: AND YET SHE STILL TRIES TO INSIST THAT THIS IS AN ~ORIGINAL~ WORK OF FICTION.
Lor: Grey is in his office, saying goodbye to some business partner. He stares out at the Seattle skyline and thinks about how flat and gray his days are and how he needs a new abuse victim– I MEAN, a little distraction to stir things up. He thinks about some business-y things and when he looks down at his schedule, realizes he has that interview with Katherine Kavanagh. But of course, it is Anastasia Steele who shows up.
Ana trips into Grey’s office and he’s super annoyed by how someone can be that clumsy. He goes over to help her and gets a good look at her blue eyes and he’s taken aback! Her eyes leave him feeling, “exposed.” Then, exactly one second after seeing her, he wonders if all her pale skin would turn pink if he hit it with a cane. Um, yes, because you are hitting it with a cane, moron. Grey says Ana is gaping at him and he thinks, “whatevs. It’s just my beautiful face.”
Sweeney: Is she trolling us again? I can’t possibly imagine what the purpose of this was, beyond her quest to complete her Twilight plagiarism. Why is she taking her readers backwards into the horrifying mind of her murderrapist, when she just go through shushing us and insisting that everything was perfect?
Lor: I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING.
Grey takes stock of her features, which are basically, “pale, skinny, blue eyes,” and makes special note that she’s brunette, because remember he picked her because she had that in common with his crack whore mom. Ana explains that Kate is indisposed and Grey tells us she blinks erratically while saying this. He also notes that she has no “dress sense” and looks horrible in a bulky sweater. Plus, he’s already determined that she “doesn’t have an assertive bone in her body.” Excellent. It really is great to see that when we guessed about Grey picking her for being a spineless woman, we were totally right. Oh, but wait, I forgot. He thought she was, “submissive.”
Grey watches amused as Ana clumsily fishes out her questions and sets up a recorder. Remember when Ana was super clumsy for like two chapters? Up until she was almost murdered by a bicycle. Up until she had sex, actually. Then she was cured, unless she had to get off a bed or climb into a car. Anyway, Grey finds her clumsiness amusing and thinks he might fix it by hitting her.
Ana asks a few dumb questions and Grey flips between making fun of her, feeling slightly bad about it and seeing her solely as a sex object. Ana asks how he became so successful and he internally whines about what a droll question that is. And while he gives her a standard reply, his internal monologue tells us that he’s a “fucking genius” at what he does. The rest of the series taught us that “what he does,” is run his Monopoly business with his penis. Truly, you are the master of Domestic Violence Emporiums, Christian Grey.
He answers another question and to this one, Ana replies, “you sound like a control freak.” Grey thinks, “what the fuck?” and I laugh forever. Grey answers by saying that he likes to control EVERYTHING and wield his IMMENSE POWER. Ana asks what his interests are outside of work and he thinks about having her in his playroom in different positions, because his interests include, “fucking,” and “testing the limits of little brown-haired girls like her.” Little girls who look like his mom. I’m glad we’re ending this book with a reminder of how perpetually awful Christian Grey is.
Sweeney:
Lor: More questions and answers about Grey liking to build things, being very private, having no friends, and wanting to feed the world’s poor. Grey delivers his, “I want to deserve to possess things,” line that I sadly, actually remember from chapter 1 and Ana’s reply makes him think she’s some entitled rich girl. But then he takes another look at her clothes and decides they are either from Walmart or Old Navy. Then he thinks, “I could really take care of you,” but freaks out because he has no idea where that thought came from.
Ana asks Grey if he’s gay and he’s shocked! shocked! that she would even ask her that, and imagines “spanking the living shit out of her,” for even insinuating that he could be… gulp… gay. He tells her he isn’t. Ana admits that Kate compiled all the questions and she’s just the roommate. Grey’s assistant comes in to tell him that his next meeting is in two minutes, but he tells her to cancel it. He starts to ask Ana questions, and mentions that his company has a great internship program. Ana mumbles that she wouldn’t fit in, and Grey wonders what the hell she means. If you’ll recall, she was under the impression that Grey only hired blonde people. Good times.
Sweeney: The evil blondes who have not the brunette hair of the crack whore! Remember when that was one of the more absurd things for you to notice in a given chapter? Good, innocent times.
Lor: At this point, Ana starts packing up her stuff because she wants out. Grey doesn’t want her to drive in the rain, and he’s sad that he can’t command her not to. He is happy he met her, though, because she’s the most interesting person he’s met in a long time. But mostly because he wants to hit and screw her. He walks Ana out of his office and helps her into her coat. He manages to touch her neck as he does it, and he notes that Ana stills at his touch. He figures it’s because he does have an effect on her. I already know the rest of the story, so yes. But otherwise I would say, “MAYBE SHE’S STILL BECAUSE SHE’S FREAKED OUT YOU ARE GROPING HER NECK WHILE PUTTING ON HER COAT.”
Grey sees her into the elevator, and when she’s gone immediately decides he need to know more about her, but not in a normal way– in a Stalker Boyfriend way, so he calls his security guy to get the stalker ball rolling.
Sweeney: THANKS, ELJ, FOR THIS BONUS MATERIAL TO CONFIRM THAT CHRISTIAN GREY WAS ALWAYS, ALWAYS TERRIBLE!
Lor: The next page is marked as May 14, 2011, which was the day Grey showed up to Ana’s job all, “uh, I was in the neighborhood…” and proceeded to buy the three most kidnapper-y items you could buy: cable ties, masking tape and rope. Below the date is a stalker report on Ana that includes her address, social security number, bank account details, MF SAT SCORE (2150, which is a newer score and I have no idea what it means) and information on her parents and stepfathers. What a creep.
Sweeney: 2150 actually translates almost exactly to Buffy’s 1430.
Lor: TAKE IT BACK, EL. ANA CANNOT HAVE BUFFY’S 1430.
Grey says he’s been thinking about Ana for two days now, trying to figure her out from things like her SAT score and bank account balance, apparently. And now, here he is at Clayton’s, wondering why his stalker report indicated that she’s never been in a relationship. He enters the store and finds Ana pretty quickly. He watches as she sucks a bagel crumb off her finger and his cock twitches. No joke, that is written here in this amazing, NEVER ENDING, bonus material.
Ana’s wearing tight clothes today, which Grey thinks makes it worth his flying out from Seattle to stalk her. The rest of the scene plays out exactly like it does in the original chapter, except now peppered with Grey making comments about Ana’s fine ass or whatever, and him picturing her naked any time she opens her mouth. His internal monologue is all about what he’ll do to make sure he gets to see her again, and whether or not she’ll make a good submissive. The end.
I don’t think I’ve ever been thankful before that Ana was our narrator. Well, I’m still not. BUT. Reading this from Grey’s POV was AWFUL. I need to wash my eyes immediately.
Especially since EL James ends with, “that’s all.. for now.”
Tune in tomorrow as we continue the Fifty Shades Finale week with final thoughts from Snark Lady Sweeney!
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
