Dear Traumateers,
Lorraine: Just today, I was wasting time on Twitter, talking about how I would recap ALL THE THINGS if I could, when a Twitter friend joked with me not to forget to recap my recaps. BUT IT ISN’T A JOKE, FRIENDS, as dear Willie quickly reminded me. We are a couple of days into November, meaning it is indeed time to recap our recaps.
Sweeney: We’re so meta like that.
Lor: Happy November! Happy NaNoWriMo to those brave souls who are participating this year (leave your profiles! Let’s be friends!) and Happy No Shave November to those of you doing that. Never forget that Stalker Boyfriend came to us by way of a Movember ad. I mean that in the most encouraging way.
Sweeney: I’m too lazy to look for it, but his shirt actually said, “I’m not usually this creepy,” before I got rid of it. Because Stalker Boyfriend is always that creepy.
Lor: October was an interesting month, in that it started with a Snark Lady trip to Dallas, where Sweeney promptly won a free hotel stay for another trip to Dallas. The Great Contrivance Spirit was with her and The Great We Invited Ourselves Spirit was with Sara and me, because we invited ourselves on her next trip there.
Sweeney: AND WE’LL DO DALLAS LIKE QUEENS! No more hotels in suburbia for us! Next time we travel like the fancy status to which we aspire!
Lor: Other than a weekend trip and some difficulty getting back into my routine, there wasn’t much excitement for this Snark Lady this month. I didn’t even dress up for Halloween.
Sweeney: I DID. I didn’t actually go anywhere besides a rehearsal where all but one other person was in normal clothing but WHATEVER. I do what I want. I’ve told you all about my love of Maleficent. BEHOLD:
Last Month:
In Sunnydale, Willow becomes a magic junkie and Buffy is disgusted post-Spike sex. The Trio accidentally turn Buffy invisible and she uses the opportunity to have sex with Spike. Buffy gets a job at the Doublemeat Palace, has sex with Spike in an alley and there is a penis demon to fight. Buffy thinks she killed a woman and Tara finds out she’s having sex with Spike. Halfrek grants Dawn her wish of no one ever leaving her again, and Buffy has a considerably low-trauma birthday. Riley comes back to town for a mission, and Buffy has sex with Spike mid-mission. Xander calls off his wedding to Anya at the altar.
Next, we head over to LA, where Angel just became a dad and things felt suspiciously upbeat for a moment. Cordelia gets to choose between life as a star or death by visions. She chooses death, though it came with a loophole: she became part demon. Angel gets a little money hungry, and Fred almost loses her brain because of it. Summer Glau guest stars as a ballerina stuck in time, and Angel and Cordy almost do it! Too bad Groo shows up and too bad Fred and Gunn pair off. It causes Angel and Wesley lots of manpain. Wesley heads to a talking hamburger for a prophecy, and is thus convinced that Angel is going to kill Connor. So, he kidnaps Connor, but ultimately plays right into Holtz’s hand.
In future space, we continue the adventures of the crew of Serenity. Mal and co. unknowingly steal some medicine. They give it back because honorable thieves, see? The crew tries to help a man found on his Reaver attacked ship, but it turns out that man is an almost-Reaver too. Mal and Kaylee attend a ball together, and it ends with a duel and lots of talk about space prostitution.
On Pretty Little Liars, the Liars confirmed that Dead Ian, New Jason and Pedo Officer Garrett were in some National Adolescent Terrorization club together. Hanna’s new brat of a step-sister got her drunk and there was vomitting all over the bride’s dress involved. The Liars try to find their therapist and get arrested for being near or around a shovel. Our first Halloween episode in which Alison was terrible, but also being terrorized. Ezra and Aria decide it’ll be a good thing to tell her parents about them, and MIKE PUNCHES EZRA IN THE FACE. For reasons we still don’t understand, Lucas took Hanna out on a murdery lake to tell her a secret. She threw him overboard instead. He shows up later to explain that he stole some of Caleb’s money.
We finally finished Fifty Shades Freed! The reading/recapping part of it, at least. Ana came in and out of her coma, but was fully awake when Grey asked the doctor if he could bang her yet. Grey kept reminding Ana that he wanted to beat the shit out of her, and he had her stepfather’s permission! EL James spends the last chapter reminding us Grey is allowed to be abusive because he’s damaged, and there is a final sex scene. The Epilogue went on forever, jumped around in time, and additionally ruined our lives with lines about the Grey’s fetus daughter already liking sex. At last, though, it was the end. Sweeney gave us her final thoughts on the series, plus we listed Christian Grey’s 7 worst moments, and gave you some final word counts.
In Book Reports, Lorraine graded The Coldest Girl in Coldtown by Holly Black a C.
If you haven’t already, check out Snark Tube entry #2 where we share wonderful things, and continue watching the train wreck that is Local Ambision.
Coming Up:
Lorraine: I am definitely going to get my final thoughts of Fifty Shades together, but it’s more difficult than I imagined. Now that Fifty Shades is over, our Wednesdays opened up. We aren’t sure yet what will go there long term, but for the moment, we’re going to be revisiting some of our Childhood Trauma favorites. We figure we’ve had enough Adult Trauma for the moment.
Speaking of Childhood Trauma, we had plans for a few Halloween related things, but special features are more difficult when you have so many regularly scheduled things going on. We’re hoping to finally show it to you guys this Wednesday. Or you know, soon.
Sweeney: One day, man. One day.
Lor: For those of you who follow us on Twitter, you know we’ve been teasing you about a couple of new projects we’ve already got underway. We hope you’ll be very excited by all the additions… but we’re not going to tell you what they are yet. They aren’t super secret (I’m sure you could guess it all with little effort!) (S: We’ve been individually dropping hints all over the place because we’re so excited.) but it’ll probably be another month or two before we’re ready to go live. We can all start getting excited from now, though, right?
Welcome, Questionable New Friends!
As regular Questionable Google Searchers, it’s always fun to go through our analytics and see what weird ass shit has been driving people to Traumaland. Our favorite recent surprisingly popular search:
hear slappy the dummy voice
It’s been a while since we’ve read Night of the Living Dummy (or books II and III) but we’re still haunted by slappy the dummy too, friends. Welcome to Traumaland! Enjoy your stay.
♥
The Snark Squad
