Pretty Little Liars S02 E18 – Master of disguise.

Previously: Caleb discovered some video that made Ian, Jenna and Garrett look even creepier and Toby broke his arm, all thanks to A. Plus we complained about the lack of plot across two seasons.
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A Kiss Before Lying

Lorraine: Spencer, Emily and Hanna crowd around Caleb as he works on enhancing the video he found on A’s cell phone. He’s kind of annoyed at their hovering, though Spencer says they aren’t even that close. They’re close enough that he knows Spencer had a cheeseburger for lunch. I’m not ashamed to say that it reminded me of the episode where Chuckie Finster gained a super sense of smell and used it to get rid of bullies. One day, I will recap all of the Rugrats. (S: ONE DAY.)

As Caleb keeps working on the video, Emily gets a call from Hanna, which she quickly ignores. Then, Aria receives a call from Hanna, which she too ignores. Caleb’s next, and finally Hanna calls Spencer. She jokes about being the low man on the totem poll, but at least picks up the phone. Actually I’m not sure if picking up the phone and lying is better than just ignoring. Spencer says she’s with family when Hanna invites her to hang out, but Emily knocks over a bottle, and Aria cries out her name. (S: Freakin’ Aria.) Spencer makes matters worse by being all, “GUYS SHHHH,” with her hand over the phone like that ever really works. Or maybe it does work, I don’t know. Maybe Spencer’s hand is too dainty to block out sound because Hanna totally hears it. Hanna pointedly tells Spencer to say hello to her family and hangs up.

Spencer yells at her less than stealthy friends but Caleb shuts them up and refocuses them back on the video. He’s cleaned up the image enough for them to see a license amongst the things that spilled out of Alison’s Box o’ Secrets on the video. The girls wonder why Ali would need a fake ID that doesn’t even look like her.

 

Maybe Ali has an evil twin! A doppleganger! I’m only a little kidding, because I wouldn’t put it past this show.

Sweeney: Evil twin was my first thought. Doppleganger works too. Literally all options are on the table with this show as long as nothing has to actually happen as a result of some crazy new piece of information.

Lor: SHHHH.

After the credits, Spencer is still freaked about Ali and her wig. Emily leaves because she made plans with Maya. Spencer wants Aria to stick around and sleep over for moral support, but Aria has plans with “Holden.” It’s clear from the ensuing conversation that Aria hasn’t told her friends that Ezra came to kiss her in the rain and rekindle their pedo-lationship. So now we’re back where we were last season with Aria keeping this a secret. Cool.

Sara: Who needs plot progression?! -_-

Lor: Clearly, not people who are pretty and lie.

Spencer has a little break down about missing Toby. She cries that she doesn’t know how Aria is handling her break-up so well. It’s ’cause she’s lying about it. Spencer then wants to know if she’s the reason everyone is lying to Hanna, if she pushed them all into doing that. Aria says no, because sometimes you have to lie to your friends. She says that because she’s lying to her friends. Just, FYI.

We cut to Ezra and Aria in his ped-mobile. Aria confesses that lying to her friends is hard. Ezra isn’t asking her to lie to her friends, but she’s doing it because she doesn’t trust other people. She’s been burned before. I like this idea that she’s been burned by other people, but not by making out with her teacher in front of school buses. Okay, you two. Okay. They joke about how her parents are glaciers they have to melt with their sexual heat. I swear, that just happened.

 

Sweeney: Their relationship mocks itself! I’m more convinced than ever that whoever gets stuck writing their scenes is hating writing them.

Sara: And he’s kissing while driving in that gif. WTF EZRA? Not only are you going to get both of your stupid asses killed…. on second thought, continue what you’re doing.

Lor: Hanna is picking at her food as she tells her mom that her friends are being annoying. On top of that, Hanna is pissed that her new step-sister Kate is going to be going to her school. Mama Marin says they have to be classy, not trashy when it comes to the step-monsters.

Papa Montgomery picks up Aria and Holden from their fake date. He excuses himself for a second to get some cash out of the ATM, and the kids use this time to synchronize their alibi’s, down to what sides they order with dinner. Aria confirms fake-date plans for the next night, and wonders what people will think since that’ll be three dates in one week. Holden says they’ll just keep people guessing.

At the Rosewood School Where Everyone Knows Your Name the next day, the girls lie to Hanna about how they were studying for a chem test together. Hanna is busy freaking out over Kate’s imminent arrival. As the girls walk toward a lunch table, the Zoomy Camera Man gets all up on Spencer’s butt, and a wife beater that’s peaking out under her sweater. Hanna asks what that’s about, and apparently, she’s taken to wearing Toby’s shirts. The girls give her, “you poor, poor thing,” eyes, but that’s interrupted by Kate. Hanna welcomes her to Rosewood High, and the rest of the Liars all introduce themselves. There’s some chitchat about schedules and “classes” (LOL.) but Spencer has a moment of recognition. She thinks she’s met Kate before. Kate is all, “…yeah. At the wedding.” Hmmm. A likely story.

Sara: I hate Kate’s stupid face. LEAVE HANNA ALONE.

Lor: Hanna offers to show Kate where her first class is. While they are walking, Hanna gets a message from A.

Emily, Aria and Spencer have moved outside. Spencer is staring at the picture of Wig-ison (that is, Alison in a wig) and guessing that maybe she used this brunette version of herself to go out with Ian or to fly under A’s radar. Noel Kahn starts laughing and talking really loudly near the Liars, which gives them a chance to be all, “UGH. NOEL KAHN.” They didn’t like him before, but now that he’s potentially dating a fake blind girl, they like him even less. Aria says she hates how they can never get close to Jenna or any of her assumed cohorts. Probably because they suck at things like “evidence” and “the truth.” Spencer is weirdly inspired by that idea and somehow comes to the conclusion that Alison was dressing up as Wig-ison to get closer to A.

Sweeney: I like when Spencer is making these kinds of guesses because here she’s usually right. It’s just the accusations that get her into trouble.

Lor: Hanna rejoins her friends, having left Kate at orientation, and shares A’s latest message. The girls try to downplay it and are mostly saved by the bell. Emily and Aria skedaddle. Hanna confronts Spencer about how they are shutting her out of the friend circle. She knows they are pissed she put the plot in a blender last episode, but she was just trying to protect Caleb.

Later, Emily is in bed with Maya, kissing and chatting. Em gets a text message from her mother, giving her a chance to say how much better Mama Fields has been lately about her daughter being a lesbian. Maya says she’ll believe it when she sees it.

Rosewood School and Suspect Farm. The Liars are all chatting amicably with Kate, though Spencer is being a little too intense about trying to figure out where she knows Kate from. Kate’s finally all, “I gotta go. I have glass in my hair,” and leaves. Hanna tells Spencer to calm the hell down.

We cut to Emily finding a note taped to her locker. The suspenseful music strikes up as Emily investigates the note, which says, “did you miss me?” A voice off screen asks, “well, did you?” It’s Mama Fields! She came home early to surprise Emily. They are cute about missing each other and whether Emily is getting taller of if Mama Fields is getting shorter. Mama has made plans for them to have dinner at Rosewood’s One Restaurant, and Emily mentions inviting Maya. Mama Fields likes the idea because she never gave Maya a chance, back when she was busy being homophobic.

Sweeney: Emily gives her the best little hug there. I like that she’s apologetic in reminding us of that time she was busy being homophobic and I give her a whole Sandy Cohen Eyebrow for progressing into the wonderful mama she now is.

Lor: She’s come so far!

Locker Room. Aria is rushing the girls out to gym class. The Camera Man makes sure we see Hanna putting her cell phone away in her gym bag.

Spencer straggles behind. Nearby, Kate is struggling with her locker. Spencer says she can remember every combination she’s ever had, back to middle school. Kate’s all, “cool story, bro,” but this story does actually have a point: her amazing memory skills are why she was confident she’d remember Kate. They went to the same horse riding camp, and Kate was in Melissa’s bunk. Kate admits that she is exactly who Spencer is thinking of, and wants to know what it’s going to take to keep Spen’s mouth shut. Spencer says she won’t tell anyone and walks away, though we see that patented BAMF smile on her face. She turns back to Kate and says that if treating Hanna nice is just an act, it’s one she better keep up.

Sara: Spencer, girl, you are my hero! If I had the powers of Spencer Hastings, I hope that I would use them all for good, just like she does. 

Lor: When Mama Fields and Emily arrive at Rosewood’s One Restaurant, Maya is chatting with Noel Kahn. He leaves and Emily asks WTF that was about. He offered to help with her phone and Maya proclaims him a sweet guy. Emily says he isn’t, “but his smile takes up half his face, so I see how you could be confused.” LOL. Emily doesn’t snark nearly enough.

Aria and Holden are on their fake date at some sort of arcade. Aria quickly confesses that her pedo-plans were actually cancelled and she was just going to sit around and read until Holden was done drug dealing, or whatever it is he does on the sly. Holden is all, “no way! My drug plans were cancelled, what a coincidence!” After some coaxing to have age-appropriate fun, Aria is all, “UGH. OKAY.”

Sweeney: Aria’s reluctance to actually hang out with him was annoying. Aria, spending an age-appropriate hour isn’t going to get your soul’s AARP card revoked. (S: A+)

Lor: A+

At dinner with Mama Fields, Emily, and Maya, things are getting awkward. Mama Fields is talking about her love of jazz music, which Maya finds surprising, as she says many jazz musicians are known for smoking. She demonstrates this in an exaggerating inhale and Emily looks completely mortified. Maya then brings up the guy she dated at Jesus Camp, making things all the worse for Em.

Hanna and Spencer are having a movie and popcorn night. Spencer is trying to convince Hanna that she has nothing to worry about with Kate, and shares the embarrassing pictures of her from camp. Apparently she was covered in some gross bug bites. Hanna does that awful thing where you give your phone to someone to look at ONE PICTURE and they start scrolling through your pictures like a douche. DO NOT BE THAT PERSON. YOU HAVE ONE PICTURE PERMISSION.

Sweeney: WORD. The fact that you’re snooping right in front of me doesn’t change the fact that you’re snooping.

Lor: Ahem. Anyway, Hanna finds the picture of the Wig-ison ID, so Spencer confesses that they did some investigating behind her back. Hanna is pissed.

Awkward Lesbian and Mom Dinner. Mama Fields decides to go track down the waiter and grab her check, because wouldn’t you? Emily asks Maya why they hell she’s been making weed jokes and mentioning Jesus Camp every other sentence. Plus, Maya brought up the boy she dated which would be super confusing for her mom. Maya asks if boy-dating is confusing for Mama Fields or for Emily? We don’t hear the answer because Mama Fields is back and dinner is over.

Sara: And fuck you, Maya. It is confusing for Emily’s mom, who has only been trying to be supportive and sweet this whole dinner, while you are trying to ruin it by being so passive aggressive. It’s crazy how quickly I switched from liking Maya to hating every single thing about her. 

Lor: And okay if Maya isn’t ready to overlook Mama Fields indirectly sending her to Jesus Camp, but then don’t agree to the dinner and in turn make this a super bad night for your girlfriend.

Ezra is at some sort of faculty mixer. He’s talking to some college dude who surprises him with the news that he’s recommended Ezra for an associate dean position at a satellite location of Hollis. Ezra is honored but then confused when he learns that the position would be based in New Orleans. He tells College Dude that he needs a few days to think about it. College Dude is all, “don’t think too hard.” He wasn’t even up for the position until Byron Montgomery insisted that he’d be the perfect pedo for the position. Ezra takes a big ole swig of his drink before looking over to where Byron is. Bryon answers with “FUCK YOU” eyes and a slow swig of his own drink. I laugh and laugh and laugh.

Sweeney: HILARIOUS. Also, sidebar: they’ve danced around Pedzrafitz’s age, but he wouldn’t even have this option on the table if he weren’t through with this doctorate. In the beginning I was skeeved out because TEACHER, but I convinced myself that he just finished his BA and was thus 22. At this rate, he’s gotta be around 26, making him not not only TEACHER but also a solid decade older than her. So EW EW EW.

But back to Bryon’s FUCK YOU drink swig. Getting him a promotion isn’t nearly as good as calling the cops, but I’ll take what I can get.

Lor: Caleb visits Hanna and she finally tells him some true things: her mom stole some Free, Little Old Lady Money and someone found out about it and is holding it over her. She doesn’t know who this person it, but Caleb is working on their phone. Hanna is crying and this moment of actual communication between characters is about to make me cry too. (S: +1)

Arcade of Age Appropriate Activities. Nothing happens in this scene but I like that arcade name so I’m just going to keep this line here.

Caleb knocks on the Cavanaugh/Marshall door but no one answers. As he’s walking back to his bike, a police car pulls up. It takes the car TWO SECONDS to appear, and of course, Pedo Officer Garrett is there to be all, “WHATCHA DOING?” This is so fucking gross and inappropriate. Please excus anu typos. I’m violent2ly gagging..,./ Hard to typeeee;

Sweeney: A+ 

Lor: Garrett asks if Caleb is there to get his old spying job back. He can’t, because Jenna apparently has found someone new to do that. HMMM. Caleb stupidly says that he came over to tell Jenna to stop threatening Hanna and her friends. Garrett replies he’s got to be scarier than that if he wants Jenna to listen. He flashes his gun for emphasis and Caleb says he’ll go now. I HATE Garrett.

Spencer visits Hanna and apologizes. A has taken everything from Spencer, and she cries that she can’t lose Hanna too. Hanna says she hasn’t and they hug.

Arcade of Age Appropriate Activities. Someone bumps into Holden and he winces. He lifts his shirt a little and we see that he’s got a serious bruise on his hip/torso. Aria asks what happened, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. When Aria presses, Holden pointedly asks her to promise not to say anything, effectively reminding her that she’s got secrets too. Papa Montgomery arrives and ends their discussion.

Hanna’s room. Spencer says she just desperately wanted to use A’s cell phone to nail him/her down once and for all, and all she got was the Wig-ison ID. Hanna confesses that she’d actually seen Alison with dark hair before. With that, we head into an Ali-back. Hanna in a fat suit arrives at a salon. Wig-ison is there, and the hairdresser is calling her Vivian Darkbloom. Ali and Hanna finally notice each other. Alison says she’s pretending to be someone else because she does this a lot when she gets bored. She pulls off the wig and smiles like the crazy bitch that she is. End Ali-back.

Spencer gets think-y face and fires up the Google machine. Turns out, Vivian Darkbloom is a psuedonym and anagram for Vladimir Nabokov, who wrote Lolita. Hanna says she actually stole Alison’s copy of Lolita, so that’s convenient. She pulls the book from the shelf. Spencer flips through it and finds a claim ticket.

After a Not Commercial Break, Emily is visiting Maya during the million hours each girl has before school. Emily says she does have a problem with Maya dating guys, but only because she has a problem with Maya dating anyone but her. Maya, in turn, apologizes for sabotaging dinner. She invites Emily inside to show her something. In Maya’s room, she’s decorated it in blue lights and like paper things and crystals… IDK. It’s supposed to mimic being underwater. Emily is impressed. The girls exchange I love yous and kiss. Try not to be late for school, girls. LOL. Just kidding! Don’t even worry about it!

Sara: Don’t care. I still hate your ass, Maya.

Lor: Rosewood School for Anyone Not Having Lesbian Sex Right Now. Spencer calls the company on the claim ticket and says she just found her ticket from a long time ago. Miraculously, the company still has whatever item they’ve been holding. The employee asks when “Miss Darkbloom” would like to pick her item up, and Spencer just stays quiet so she can give the suspenseful music proper time to be all, “DUN DUN PLOT!”

Inside, Hanna opens her locker and Noel Khan and his half-a-face smile appear behind her. He says she made her day and leaves. Hanna looks confused, but soon, all the Little Liars are in her grill, asking her how she could do this. Hanna has no idea what they are talking about, so they show her: Hanna sent out a picture of a naked Kate to her entire address book. Hanna swears it wasn’t her. She looks around the hall and everyone is looking back at her and stage whispering. She freaks out.

A-nonymous: A is in Shitbag Hasting’s office. She unlocks his top drawer, finds his gun, and takes it.

Aim for Ezra!

 

Next time: There is something called “Truth-Up Day” at the Rosewood High that is sure to be a shit show because the truth never works out in Pretty Little Liars S02 E19 – The Naked Truth.