Previously: The substitute teacher turned out to be a giant praying mantis. And for reasons that are beyond us, she decided she wanted to bite Xander’s head off. For more reasons that are beyond us, Buffy came to his rescue.
—
Never Kill a Boy on the First Date
Kirsti: We open at the cemetery. Buffy is fighting a vampire, as she’s known to do. She slays, and Giles judges, telling her that she should adopt a “plunge and move on” approach. I’ll take “Things you shouldn’t say to teenage girls when you’re a creepy old dude” for $200, Alex.
Lorraine: And it’s the Daily Double!
Despite the Giles creepiness, though, he has a legit point. Mid-vampire ass whooping, Buffy quips SO SO MUCH. During this fight? “We haven’t been properly introduced. I’m Buffy, and you’re history.“
Uuuugh.
K: Not one of her better puns, it’s true.
Giles then finds a ring in the pile of vampire dust, and sets off to consult his books. Meanwhile, the Master (UGH) is still trapped in his creepy underground church. He reads from a big dusty book that looks so boring even *I* can’t get excited about it, stating that “Five shall die and from their ashes shall rise the Anointed.” And apparently Buffy won’t know him. Well THAT narrows it down…
Back in the library, Buffy’s playing with the ugly-ass ring. She notices a symbol inside the ring, which Giles tells her is nothing. So of course, she picks up a random book, and BAM – instant symbol identification. Apparently the symbol is the mark of the Order of Aurelius. But before we learn any more, a tall blonde dude enters the library, and Buffy gets all swoony. Tall, blonde and moody is named Owen, and he’s really into poetry. So basically, he’s Angel, but with blonde hair. SNORE.
Lor: Also, he’s like 35. Look at that face. If homeboy is that old looking and still in high school, I call bull shit on him knowing anything about Emily Dickinson.
K: Unless he actually KNEW her when she was alive, that is. Which, in Sunnydale, is always a possibility!
At lunch, Willow is all “ZOMG, YOU TALKED TO THE MOODY POETRY HUNK!” Xander decides to change the subject, and asks “How did the slaying go last night?” Buffy gets all “Dude. SECRET IDENTITY!” on him, so he corrects himself with “How’d the laying go?” I LOL and Buffy glares. Then she spots Owen sitting by himself, and decides she’s going to sit with him. But Cordy applies some top notch roller derby moves, and hip checks Buffy into dropping her lunch all over the floor. Cordy tells Owen he should come to the Bronze that night, because EVERYONE is going to be there. Owen asks if Buffy will be there, and they arrange to meet there at 8.00.
Lor: And so, even though Cordy got in a quality body check, the score stands: Cordy – 0 Everyone Else – 1000000000.
K: Poor Cordy. You never know whether to cheer for her or punch her in the face…
Buffy and Willow squee over the date before Giles pops up with the exciting news that the Order of Aurelius will be delivering the Anointed One to the Master on a specific night. THAT night. Buffy pouts. That night, Buffy – sporting this WTF-worthy coat –
– and Giles are wandering around the cemetery where absolutely nothing is happening. Giles lets Buffy run off to meet Owen, after reminding her that dating when you have a secret identity is dangerous. Buffy says that she won’t wear her button that says “I’m a Slayer, ask me how” and leaves Giles wearing his “there’s a bad smell” face.
When Buffy gets to the Bronze, Owen is dancing with Cordy. RUDE.
Meanwhile, on a bus heading for Sunnydale, there’s some creepy escaped felon looking dude quoting the Bible. The bus collides with a vampire, and the passengers are thrown all over the place.
Lor: Mmmkay. Right. Thank you bus to Contrivance-ville for that appearance.
K: Seriously. At school the next day, Buffy mopes to Xander about her failed date. When Owen approaches and asks where she was, she makes a lame excuse about her watch breaking, so he presents her with his pocket watch, because apparently Owen is secretly a Time Lord? They reschedule for tonight.
Later, Buffy and Willow try and plan an outfit. They ask for Xander’s advice, and he suggests she try to not appear forward, and recommends wearing a parka and beanie. Considering both the dresses she suggested are basically tea towels, I don’t blame him.
Lor: She describes one of these fetus-sized dresses as “shy, coy and naive,” and she probably means that in a “stripper with a heart of gold,” kind of way, because seriously. Tea towels.
K: Possibly even NAPKINS.
The doorbell rings and everyone rushes downstairs, only to find Giles at the door being Mr. Emergency Apocalypse. He shows Buffy a newspaper stating that five people died in the bus crash, and suggests that Escaped Felon McBible is a good candidate for the Anointed. Then Owen turns up, and has a “why is the librarian here?” expression. Giles is all “YOU BETTER RETURN THOSE OVERDUE BOOKS, YOUNG LADY!!” Stealthy, Giles. Awesome cover. Buffy leaves, with this parting comment:
Aaaaaah, the 90s…
Lor: VAMPRE 911 SLAY ASAP. 143. 123.
K: I’m so glad I live in an era where I don’t have to understand how beepers work…
Giles decides to go to the funeral home alone. Uh, MISTAKE. Obviously, he gets accosted by vampires, and gets trapped in the preparation room. Willow and Xander, who apparently have nothing better to do, appear at the barred window and promise to get Buffy.
Meanwhile at the Bronze, Buffy and Owen discuss poetry, before Cordy tries to steal Owen again. Sometimes I wonder why Buffy keeps saving Cordy’s life. THE GIRL IS AN UBER-BITCH. Cordy backs off, only to see Angel enter. With the immortal line “Hel-LO Salty Goodness!” Cordy sets off to make Angel her chew toy, only to see him approach Buffy, resulting in a Cordy snit. HAHAHA. Angel tells Buffy that there’s some nondescript trouble happening, and when Owen returns with snacks, Angel is all “YOU’RE ON A DATE?!?!?!” After his initial indignation, he goes back to sulking, which is predictable. Because sulking’s what Angels do best!
Willow and Xander appear, and make a really awkward argument that Buffy and Owen should double date with them at the Sunnydale Funeral Home. Buffy makes excuses and leaves Owen behind. Angel continues sulking.
The gang reach the funeral home and start searching for Giles, only to find that Owen’s followed them. Giles turns out to be hiding in a corpse locker, on top of a dead body. Uh, EW.
Lor: I’m not sure that any number of zombies outside my door would convince me to hide in a corpse locker. More likely, I’d be all, fine vampires. You win. Take me now.
K: Seriously. In a choice between “lay on a corpse” or “become a corpse?” I’d take the latter. Having established that Giles is safe, Buffy tells Willow and Xander to take Owen to safety while she finds the Anointed. In typical fashion, vampires turn up, and they end up trapped in the viewing room.
While Buffy and Giles continue checking dead body lockers without success, Owen is doing a Hamlet-esque soliloquy about death. He’s interrupted when the dead body in the viewing room starts moving. It turns out to be Escaped Felon McBible, who’s now been vampified.
Owen gets all “Uhhhh, whut?” while Willow and Xander run for the exit, dragging him with them. They run into Buffy, who heads back to the embalming room to get supplies from Giles. Escaped Felon McBible turns up, and knocks Giles across the room. Conveniently, Giles manages to turn on the incinerator on his flight. EFMcB is about to attack Buffy when Owen hits him with a piece of metal, and basically calls him a bad man. EFMcB hits Owen, and is all “LOL. Dead now.”
Buffy is all “How dare you kill my date?” They fight, and she pushes him into the incinerator. Sadly, Boring Owen isn’t dead at all, and she lies to him, saying that she scared the bad man away. He’s understandably confused from all the concussion and says that he wants to go home. Willow and Xander are happy to oblige.
Lor: I’m not sure concussions are the same in the Buffy-verse as they are in real life.
K: They do tend to come with a side of memory loss, which must keep the doctors at Sunnydale Hospital busy! At school the next day, Buffy’s all “What did he say about me? What?? WHAT?” and Xander and Willow get all awkward turtle, because the answer is nothing. Owen approaches, and is all “OMG, nearly dying is FUN! When can we go out again?” Buffy tells him that she can’t see him anymore. Giles is all “Being the Slayer is all about sacrifice. You may not have a boyfriend, but at least we killed the Anointed One!” Except that LOL, nope. Flash to the Master, who’s hanging out with a creepy small child who survived the bus crash. DUN DUN DUUUUUN.
Lor: So, after the comments on the last post, I thought I should clarify that I’m enjoying the series. It’s campy as hell, though, and often times doesn’t make a ton of sense. The dialogue is still cute and all, but I’m just not won over by the story lines. I’ll keep waiting for the moment it takes off.
Still waiting…
K: It’s okay, Lor. We’ll be at the Spike episodes soon.
Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Xander becomes a hyena. True and actual plot point in S01 E06 – The Pack.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
