Pretty Little Liars S02 E24 – I see said the blind man.

Previously: Toby and Jenna came back to town and sadly, Ezra decided to stay in town. Booooooooo.
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 If These Dolls Could Talk

Lorraine: It’s nearly finale time, folks, so maybe something will happen this episode! We’re dreaming big.

Sweeney: We Snark Ladies dream impossible dreams. Remember all the times we hoped we’d seen the worst of Fifty Shades and then, you know, read more chapters? Good times.

Lor: Indeed. And proof that we’re fucking optimists. Clearly.

Spencer is sleeping on the couch and she wakes to some pretty inconsiderate rustling. Turns out it’s Alison, which I should’ve known because that bitch would be making tons of noise while others were trying to sleep. Spencer startles, but Dream-ison tells her not to scream. She thinks Spencer must be really mad about her not telling about the whole, “we share a brother,” thing.

Alison is momentarily distracted by Spencer’s prescription painkillers (for glass in her hand? Girl, having a grown-up-doctor-quasi-boyfriend has its perks, I see), but Spencer brings her back to the plot non-developments, like Duncan taking Aria up in a plane. Alison is happy that the girls haven’t given up on her murder all these episodes later. Sara, Sweeney, I love you, but if 45 slow moving episodes later, I still didn’t know who killed y’all, and my life was being stalked by a creeper, I’d give up.

Sweeney: I hope I’d give better clues as DreamiSweeney. But also, if you gave up, I’d haunt the shit out of you.

Sara: Oh hell yeah, me too. I would show up way more than two times a season. And you would never get a good night’s sleep.

Lor: I really expected that to go differently. In my head you both responded, “that’s okay! No one should have to put up with a slow plot!” Huh.

Alison says that maybe the Liars will figure shit out since they have the Gym Bag of Evidence. Spencer wants this dream clue to be more specific but all she gets is, “don’t get hung up on the details and miss what’s parked right in front of you.”

Alison tells Spencer that at least she’s getting warmer, but a door slams in the background and Spencer scrambles to stuff the Gym Bag of Evidence under the couch. The camera pans down so all that we see is the bag on the floor and Spencer’s hand. We stay there as the background lightens and we transition to morning. The bag is still under the couch and Spencer is sleeping.

Melissa comes downstairs and wakes Spencer up, asking if the back door has been open all night. We pan from the open door to the open bottle of painkillers. The music is really into this and is all, “DUN DUN WAS IT A DREAM?”

Sweeney: I forgot about the Ali-is-still-alive theory! That’s my favorite one, because homegirl is a bigger sociopath than we ever imagined and has some serious James Bond skills for successfully convincing everyone she’s dead while still living out in the open enough to get cute and shit.

Sara: Plus there was a motherfreakin’ body. Girlfriend is good.

Lor: SHHHHHHH.

After the credits, Emily is being really nice about telling Spencer she might be crazy, but probably because Alison is making them all crazy. Also, Spencer is on two different medications. Also, they won’t be able to sleep until they find out what really happened to Alison. That all said, Emily gets out of the car to go talk with some unidentified people before school. En route, she gets a text from Maya:

Marin Manor. Ashley asks after Emily. Hanna explains that Em went to go chat with the tenants of her house before they moved out. Ashley next asks if they have any more details about the fire at New Jason’s house but Hanna doesn’t know. Hanna’s really old (remember, six months!!) phone starts ringing because apparently she was smart enough to get around her mom’s no cell phone rule but not smart enough to turn off the ringer. Hanna explains that Mona gave it to her, and claims that M is going through some sort of life crisis. Ashley don’t care. Speak of the devil, Mona shows up and Ashley tells her she’s more than welcome to sleep over a few days, but NO CELL PHONE. Mona catches on to whats going on, takes back her ancient phone and the girls are off.

Office of Professor Predator. Aria shows up with coffee and says her father is away at a conference, so they should celebrate. Since it’s entirely likely that your father bought that coffee, STFU. Ezra says that even though he turned down that awesome job to prove Byron can’t control him, he’s been getting an icy reception from the dean. He’s worried Byron has more clout than what he imagined. Aria’s answer is her typical, “NBD. MY ATTENTION SPAN IS LIKE THAT OF A THREE YEAR OLD. WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT? NEVER MIND. KISS ME.”

Sara: The patented Aria shrug.

 

Lor: Jenna sits in front of a mirror and starts taking off her bandage even though the doctors are supposed to do it after school. Toby walks in on her and tries to warn her, but she’s determined. She takes it off, revealing a slightly red eye. She cries and we can’t tell if she can see or not, but Toby says he’s sorry. Not that it matters because that bitch was never blind anyways.

Sweeney: NEVER BLIND. Also, I’m glad she’ll be keeping the sunglasses on, because her eyes are still creepifying.

Lor: Seriously. I can’t look directly at the screen whenever they are uncovered.

At the Rosewood School for Show Up Whenever You Feel Like It, I guess it’s that extended breakfast hour before school starts? IDK. Spencer tells her Liars that she’s figured it out: Alison took out a classified ad asking A to meet her and A responded. It went back and forth for about a month, right up until the issue before Labor Day, when A gave in and arranged for a meeting at the doll hospital.

The girls pause Nancy Drew-ing when they see Jenna and Toby (who doesn’t even go here) arriving at school because they finally felt like it. The Liars notice that Jenna has removed her bandage and isn’t using her cane, but she’s still wearing her shades. Toby drops Jenna off at the Liar table. She sits and Hanna bluntly asks, “can you see or not?” She can’t see. (S: LIES.)

Jenna says that even though the surgery didn’t work, she is seeing a little more clearly now. She cries about how Hanna saved her life and she finally realized that people can grow. She apologizes for holding a grudge, for hating them, but clarifies that even though she’s done things she isn’t proud of, she isn’t the person the Liars really need to fear. They are all stunned into silence and watch as Jenna takes out her white cane and walks away.

Sweeney: Sidebar: she says the word “or” in here and that’s one of those words that Tammin Sursock extra-struggles to do in an American accent. I’m not sure why they cast a 30-year-old Australian with murder eyes that have clearly seen some things to play this American teenager, but that’s hardly the most illogical decision the people behind this show made.

Lor: It’s probably the worst of the casting decisions though.

After a Not Commercial Break, Emily is hilariously all, “PFFT. CRYING BLIND GIRL, DON’T BUY IT.” Emily even entertains the idea that Jenna set the fire herself and then jumped into it. Emily has clearly been watching the same show I have. SUSPECT EVERYONE. Hanna still thinks Melissa is A. Spencer says she’s going to go back to the doll hospital and retrace Alison’s  steps.

Sara: Emily has grown so much in two seasons! She used to be the girl who believed everyone was good. Now she’s the girl who DGAF.

Lor: Later, in the hallway, Mona shows Hanna another text she got from A:

Hanna is kind of surprised that A sent a message and Mona is all, “but it’s A see! Typical A behavior!” and I don’t know if she’s suspicious because I suspect her or if she’s just suspicious. Mona asks if Hanna got any messages but she doesn’t have a phone. Mona hands back her Jurassic Park phone, but there are no messages on there. Hanna word vomits a little about how Jenna apologized to them, and how she might have more information after the Liars go to Brookhaven. Mona is curious about all of this, but Han is saved from sharing information by the arrival of Caleb.

Aria is leaving a note for her mom at her desk when she comes across an application for boarding school in Vermont with her name on it. LOL.

We cut to Aria whining about boarding school as the Liars arrive at the doll hospital. They run into the owner, who isn’t exactly overly friendly. Spencer asks about any records she keeps for the dolls she’s sold but the Grumpy Owner says they don’t sell many dolls. As those two talk, Aria notices that there is a small boy looking at them through the window, his face surrounded by dolls. CREEEPY.

The owner invites the Liars inside and they ask her again about a certain burlap-y, terrifying doll. The owner is a bit frazzled, but thankfully, the Creepy Small Boy has a memory like a steel trap. He knows they are asking after the voodoo doll and remembers that a girl came asking for it before. Emily shows him a picture of Alison and he says that’s her, but with more wig.

Sara: “That’s her face,” is a very creepy way to say that yes, that is the girl he saw.

Lor: I ain’t calling him creepy for nothing.

Creepy Small Boy says they should stop looking into this because there are people who were after Wigison, a dark haired couple. The owner shuts the boy up, and tells the girls that he sometimes sees things that haven’t happened. He’s gifted that way. The girls ask a final round of, “was the evil woman BLIND?” but Creepy Small Boy says she was definitely seeing. The owner shoos the boy away again, but he leaves with a final, “sorry about what happened to your friend. Breathing in dirt must’ve been rough.”

The girls shuffle uncomfortably and the Grumpy Owner gives them a sufficiently scary glare.

Back at Hanna’s house, Emily, Spencer and Hanna are still zoned out but Aria and her toddler attention span is all, “FROZEN PIZZA, ANYONE?” Aria downplays the information Creepy Small Boy gave them. Hanna thinks the couple that was after Alison was Melissa and Ian. Em and Aria jump to Melissa’s defense, for Spencer’s sake, but Spencer finally shares that her parents thought Melissa might actually be a murderer. She tells them about how New Jason is her brother, and Alison knew that, and her parents hired a detective, and Melissa hated Alison.

Typing all that out I realized that one of the reasons this show drags on forever and ever, and it sometimes feels like nothing is happening is because it’s a show that relies on keeping secrets as a plot point. We have to find out every single thing multiple times until all the major characters know the thing we already know. That whole scene was dedicated to a story we’ve heard like 87 times now.

Sweeney: I’m only surprised we didn’t have to watch each of the other girls find out about it separately.

Lor: It’s a terrifying prospect.

Anyway, Aria finds her mom putting her clean laundry on her bed. You can really tell I’m not actually a mother in these recaps because all I can think is that if my child were being such a brat, FUCK DOING HER LAUNDRY. LIVE IN SQUALOR, INGRATE.

(This is going to be hilarious to read back whenever I actually do have children.)

Aria brats to her mother and reveals that she knows her dad was looking into boarding schools while he was supposed to be at a conference. Piper Mom explains they were only exploring options because they know she’s being bullied and want to keep her safe. Aria doesn’t buy that, and thinks Byron is trying to punish her. She finds this really unfair because she was able to forgive him for what he did. She could’ve ruined his life if she wanted to and in fact, she says with her back to her mother, she still can. What would the dean do if he found out that Byron was seeing a grad student?

I. really. hate. this. family.

Sweeney: THEY’RE ALL THE FUCKING WORST. (Except Mike. Run, Mike!)

Sara: I have so much rage right now. SO MUCH RAGE. I CAN’T HANDLE HOW MUCH I HATE THIS BITCH.

Lor: Hastings House. Melissa asks Spencer for some help with thank you notes or some other thing, and basically, it’s a few minutes of Melissa seeming normal and pleasant and Spencer staring at her like she might murder her soon. Melissa asks whose bag the Gym Bag of Evidence is, and Spencer nervously explains that it belonged to Ali. Jason gave it to her. Again, WE ARE REPEATING ALL OF THIS AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN.

Spencer, acting in the moment, takes out her iPad and asks Melissa to explain the video of Melissa busting into Alison’s room the night she died. Melissa claims she was just there looking for Ian and she never said anything about Garrett and Jenna being there because even though they wanted Alison dead, that doesn’t make them murderers. Spencer can’t keep holding onto the video. She wants to turn it in to the non-Garrett police. Melissa threatens her, though, and says that if that video is turned it, she knows more footage will appear– footage that doesn’t paint the Liars in a very friendly light.

Rosewood School of Maybe My Sister Killed Someone, But I Still Have Classes! It’s lunch time. Hanna thinks Melissa is bluffing, and comes up with the idea of tricking Melissa into sending a text message that proves that she’s A.

Hanna’s plan involves asking Caleb for a favor he finds Fear Factor levels of gross.

Aria finds her mom at school. Piper Mom asks if Aria has called the Dean. She hasn’t. Piper Mom spoke to Byron and they are shelving the whole boarding school idea. Piper Mom doesn’t want to be thanked. Aria says she was pushed into a corner. Piper Mom replies that she can’t recognize the kid who would turn on her own family. Aria doesn’t want to turn on Ezra either, though, because she’s known him for how long now…? Piper gets the last word when she says that she’s been angry and confused throughout this whole ordeal, but yesterday was the first time she was ashamed of Aria.

Sweeney: That threat was a career low for Aria and her bratting skills, but this also ties back to what you said last time, which is that Piper Mom and Shitbag Montgomery decided to start parenting about 16 years too late.

Lor: Emily waits in her car and watches as Melissa enters a store in town. Soon after, Mona drives up with Caleb in her car. He looks miserable. While they wait, Mona admits that she was jealous of Hanna for finding such a wolfy bad boy. Melissa leaves the shop, and Mona gets a text message from Emily that says, “showtime.”

 

Caleb’s looks of pain during this scene made me love him more.

Spencer waits with Hanna in her room. The chat about how icky this whole situation is, but they soon get the message they were waiting for:

And that is all the proof Hanna needs that Melissa is A, even though this all happened on a busy street and A has proven that they can see pretty much everything always. (S: And that she’s blinded by friendship and can’t see what a prime suspect Mona still is.) After a break, she’s packing up her laptop, ready to take their video evidence to the police. Spencer asks her to slow down, because this is still her sister they are talking about. Hanna says she’s been protected long enough.

Emily arrives and also wants to think this through. She thinks Jenna and Garrett are still involved. She suggests going back to talk to talk to the Creepy Small Boy. Hanna objects at first but then agrees to go see the boy and then go to the police.

Pedophile Apartment. Aria wasn’t expecting to find Ezra there, but it turns out he didn’t have to work late. Aria shares the good news that she dug up enough yucky stuff on her family to keep herself out of boarding school. She claims it’s a battle won. Ezra sad pandas that they lost the war, though, because he was fired.

Sweeney: AMAZING. FANTASTIC MOMENT AND PERFECT GIF. EXCELLENCE ALL AROUND!

Lor: At their house, Toby alerts Jenna to the fact that Garrett is parked outside being a total creep. Jenna tells Toby that she has to show him something, and hands him a folded up paper, claiming she doesn’t know what it is. Garrett just gave it to her for safe keeping. It’s page 5 of Alison’s autopsy report. Jenna wants to turn it into the police.

Sweeney: Yeah, it’s long been clear that A is more than one person or, at least, one person with a-ccomplices. I’m erring on the side of more-than-one though, because it seems like this kind of dissension in the ranks could explain the zig zagging game plan and rise and fall of various suspects. When you’re in league with people who stalk and harass teenage girls, you should pretty much always anticipate the moment when your comrades sell you out.

Lor: And then sleep with your boyfriend. Something like that.

Emily, Spencer and Hanna head back to the doll hospital. They find the door unlocked and let themselves in. Spencer calls out for the Grumpy Owner and the the zoomy cameraman has a good time zooming in on random creepy dolls. I hate you zoomy cameraman. Em finds a box full of the voodoo dolls the owner insisted she didn’t sell. The lights cut out and Hanna wants to GTFO, but Spencer isn’t done investigating. Suddenly, they hear a slightly distorted pull-string doll voice saying, “follow me, end up like me,” over and over again. The girls follow the voice to a nearby cupboard and open it up. Inside there is a blonde doll, waist deep in dirt. There is red paint on its head, and a shovel in its hand. It’s really disturbing.

Sara: SUPER DISTURBING.

Lor: It gets more disturbing as dolls start falling off the shelves. The girls make a run for it and Hanna narrowly escapes being crushed by a falling shelf.

Pedophile Apartment. The college told Ezra they were no longer offering his course, but they’ll probably rename the course and, according to him, hire someone who her father likes to teach it. Fingers crossed that that person isn’t a sexual predator, jackass. Aria starts to get angry, but Ezra doesn’t want her to break up her family to keep them together. He’s going to go to his parents house, regroup and send out resumes. Ezra says he needs to find a place where he can teach, because he’s an adult with bills and he can’t actually sacrifice everything to be with Aria, even if she can sacrifice what little she has to be with him. Anyways, he loves her, they kiss, and undress and I wish I hadn’t used all my brain bleach on Angel.

Sara: Ugh, stupid scene, but lovely song. Also, is this the first time we’ve ever seen Ezria having sex? Ick.

Lor: Yep, it is, apart from Aria’s sex dreams. Ick.

Meanwhile, the other Liars are packing up the Gym Bag of Evidence to give it to the police. They hear something downstairs and we cut there. It’s Melissa getting home with Officer Garrett in tow. They kiss! WTF. It’s like some weird incestuous dating between anyone who was ever a suspect. Garrett is worried about Spencer going to the police, but Melissa is confident that she scared Spencer out of doing that.

Just then, there is a knock on the door. It’s the police and they are here for Garrett. He’s under arrest for the murder of Alison DiLaurentis. Melissa sees Spencer, Emily and Hanna at the top of the stairs and glares. Melissa is really, really bad at picking boyfriends.

Sweeney: Or guys should recognize that dating her is like the first step in becoming a murder suspect.

Sara: And not just a murder suspect, but a murder suspect in this particular case. Everyone Melissa dates has killed Alison DiLaurentis. 

Lor: Well. Homegirl did want her dead.

We cut to Jenna sitting at her vanity. She takes off her glasses and starts wiping her lipstick away, and that crap just will not come off. That’s some good lipstick. Anyway, the point of this scene is that a fly lands on her mirror and she whacks it with a rolled up newspaper. BECAUSE SHE CAN SEE. The zoomy cameraman zooms in on her eyes so we are totally sure we understand that Jenna can see. With her eyes.

A-nonymous: the owner of the doll hospital is cleaning up the mess of dolls. She tells A that this is a lot more than she bargained for. A hands her an envelope full of money and she looks pleased. A hands Creepy Small Boy a lolipop and he looks… well, creepy.

 

Next time: SWEET YOUTH MAULING BEAR. WE MADE IT. THE SEASON 2 FINALE IS HERE. Tune in for Pretty Little Liars S02 E25 – unmAsked.