Bella wakes up again. At the beginning of every chapter she must wake up. It is the prophecy.
She immediately remembers she had a bad dream that was also a thing that actually happened to her and takes like, 3 paragraphs to remind us of this thing that just happened to her. 700% of this book is just Bella rehashing things that we already had to suffer through once. In another life, we Snark Ladies must have sinned terribly.
Previously: Bella met the Volturi, ha, ha, ha! — Annie: The chapter opens with Demitri leaving the trio in the reception area and reminding them that they are not to...
Bella ends up in an "unremarkable" room, which she then remarks on for a paragraph. (K: THANK YOU. That annoyed me so much.) Edward is glowering at the hallway as Jane leads them to an elevator. Once inside, the Volturi Vamps relax and take off their cloaks so Bella can comment on their olive complexion which looks "odd" combined with their chalky pallor. Only the palest, truest white for Bella Swan.
Kirsti: She also talks about their eyes, saying that, "their irises were deep crimson around the edges, darkening until they were black around the pupils." ....black around the pupils. Which are also black. HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU TELL WHERE THEIR IRISES ENDED AND THEIR PUPILS STARTED?!
Kirsti: She also talks about their eyes, saying that, "their irises were deep crimson around the edges, darkening until they were black around the pupils." ....black around the pupils. Which are also black. HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU TELL WHERE THEIR IRISES ENDED AND THEIR PUPILS STARTED?!
They start the climb up to the city and Bella freaks as the traffic slows down. Eventually, they realise that everyone's being made to park and go into the city on foot. Bella tells us that it's super windy and there's red clothes and flags and scarves everywhere. Alice announces that she can't see what's going to happen any more, and that if it doesn't work, Bella has to go in alone and run to Palazzo dei Priori. Alice tells her to run and not get lost. Shockingly, she doesn't include "don't fall down and hurt yourself like you always do because your sole personality trait is clumsy".
This chapter is TENSE. Or about as tense as Meyer's writing ever gets. Which is kinda like a longer than normal shrug.
“We made our flight with seconds to spare, and then the true torture began.”
Um, the true torture began 424 pages ago, Bella. (A: Let's be honest. The torture began almost two books ago.) (C: Was it ONLY two books?)
She's referring to the fact that she has to sit and (K)stew on a plane while those bitch flight attendants 'casually' stroll up and down the aisles and do their normal jobs like some kind of fucking idiots.
“We made our flight with seconds to spare, and then the true torture began.”
Um, the true torture began 424 pages ago, Bella. (A: Let's be honest. The torture began almost two books ago.) (C: Was it ONLY two books?)
She's referring to the fact that she has to sit and (K)stew on a plane while those bitch flight attendants 'casually' stroll up and down the aisles and do their normal jobs like some kind of fucking idiots.
Bella runs down the stairs and throws the door open to find Jacob at the front door. Well, not quite at the door:
Kirsti: Now, friends. I want you all to do something for me. Try and wrinkle your nose while keeping the rest of your face smooth. Please send pictures. Not owning a face is clearly something that SMeyer and EL James have in common.
Annie: Just tried that. Absolutely not sharing pictures of it.
"He was standing about 6 feet back from the door, his nose wrinkled in distaste, but his face otherwise smooth - masklike."
Kirsti: Now, friends. I want you all to do something for me. Try and wrinkle your nose while keeping the rest of your face smooth. Please send pictures. Not owning a face is clearly something that SMeyer and EL James have in common.
Annie: Just tried that. Absolutely not sharing pictures of it.
We've fallen off pace a bit here, and it's my fault. Time is so hard, you guys.
Catherine: SO hard. It went forward like, an hour the other day and we can't be blamed for that. So...
Kirsti: I would say that I stole it, but Australia is on daylight saving for another 2 weeks, so it definitely wasn't me.
Mari: Bella finds Alice in her house, waiting "perfectly motionless in the center of the hall." So, in addition to breaking and entering, Alice is just standing there. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.
Catherine: SO hard. It went forward like, an hour the other day and we can't be blamed for that. So...
Kirsti: I would say that I stole it, but Australia is on daylight saving for another 2 weeks, so it definitely wasn't me.
Mari: Bella finds Alice in her house, waiting "perfectly motionless in the center of the hall." So, in addition to breaking and entering, Alice is just standing there. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.
Just as Bella thinks she's about to drown, her head breaks the surface. BOOOOOOOOOOO. The waves slam her up against some rocks, which doesn't, like, hurt her or cut her in any way. No, no, friends. The rocks basically perform CPR on her, ensuring that all the water in her lungs gets spewed back out. What the shit, Meyer.
An anxious voice orders her to breathe, and Bella gets super sad when she realises that it's Jacob and not Edward.
Marines: Jacob is telling her to breathe but because it's Jacob and not Edward, "I could not obey."
An anxious voice orders her to breathe, and Bella gets super sad when she realises that it's Jacob and not Edward.
Marines: Jacob is telling her to breathe but because it's Jacob and not Edward, "I could not obey."
We open yet another chapter with Bella waking up in the morning. I know Meyer didn't actually invent that shitty writing shortcut or anything, and it's possible she didn't even notice she was doing it so often, but does she not understand how fucking annoying it is to read? EVERY CHAPTER Bella is waking up for the morning and EVERY CHAPTER she goes to bed at the end. And it's not like this is an intentional motif or anything.
I'm not even sure this complaint is making sense. This book is sapping my will to make sense.
I'm not even sure this complaint is making sense. This book is sapping my will to make sense.
This chapter opens feeling strangely familiar, with Bella clinging to some guy in a forest while a group of potential predators are approaching. Instead of big bad vampires, it's big, bad, half-naked boys. The boys are moving in sync, because that's apparently what werewolves do?
Kirsti: Meanwhile, all I could think of that episode of Buffy in season 3 Willow said something about how the towels were for privacy because she and Oz were still getting used to half-nakedness, and Xander freaked a little and went "Half?! Which half??" It's much funnier if they have shirts on and no pants.
Kirsti: Meanwhile, all I could think of that episode of Buffy in season 3 Willow said something about how the towels were for privacy because she and Oz were still getting used to half-nakedness, and Xander freaked a little and went "Half?! Which half??" It's much funnier if they have shirts on and no pants.
Surprising no one, Bella decides to go confront the werewolf. She clarifies that she doesn't condone what the wolves are doing and it's real cute coming from vampires' #1 fan. She spends the first page explaining her reasoning to us, again proving that Stephenie Meyer knew she was writing Bella as an insanely nonsensical character and felt the need to over-explain. Okay, Bella. We get it. You can't be friends with the killer werewolf but you have to go warn the killer werewolf.
After that delightful curb hanger, Bella freaks because clearly the weird noise outside is Victoria coming to murder her face off. But no. It's Jacob, just casually hanging out in the tree outside her bedroom window. Shirtless. Because of course he is.
Marines: Shirtless? For climbing trees? Really? Shirtless? For breaking and entering? It gets really uncomfortable when you can tell Stephenie was just writing out her wet dreams.
Marines: Shirtless? For climbing trees? Really? Shirtless? For breaking and entering? It gets really uncomfortable when you can tell Stephenie was just writing out her wet dreams.
Bella opens up this chapter by telling us that she's surprised she's still alive. It's been 3 chapters since my last chapter so I can't remember why she's almost dying this time. Is it still because her boyfriend broke up with her or because her emotional crutch did? Let's read on and see.
Oh! It's because she keeps expecting Victoria to kill her in her sleep. Good for her. That's a legit reason to be surprised by your life.
Oh! It's because she keeps expecting Victoria to kill her in her sleep. Good for her. That's a legit reason to be surprised by your life.
This chapter opens right into the action! Woooo.
Bella is panicking because Jacob didn't call. She quickly turns into a crazy stalker type and calls him, because he's not calling her. Billy answers and tells her that Jacob is still in bed.
Bella continues to call incessantly over the next two days, even though she doesn't think anyone is home at the Black's residence. Or maybe the Blacks have caller ID so they're not picking up the phone because you're acting like a crazy person, Bells.
Bella is panicking because Jacob didn't call. She quickly turns into a crazy stalker type and calls him, because he's not calling her. Billy answers and tells her that Jacob is still in bed.
Bella continues to call incessantly over the next two days, even though she doesn't think anyone is home at the Black's residence. Or maybe the Blacks have caller ID so they're not picking up the phone because you're acting like a crazy person, Bells.
Previously: Bella crashes her motorcycle a lot because hallucinations are COOL. — Marines: We start the chapter with Bella telling us that her life isn’t so bad now with school, work...
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