Democracy Diva: Welcome, Traumateers! I am thrilled to be using my status as a barred-but-under-employed attorney to help Sweeney and Lorraine snark the new Shonda Rhimes drama "How to Get Away with Murder."
Lorraine: I'm cracking up already. #livingthedream
Sweeney: You too can spend lots of money/time/sanity on law school so that you can write about it on the internet. For free.
Diva: Like a boss.
We open with a threatening knife. No, just kidding, it's a happy knife, because it's cutting cake, and cake is delicious. Veronica is trying to comfort-feed Wallace, because he has just implicated Rashard Rucker in a manslaughter. And they've said like eighty times (okay, twice) that Rashard Rucker = Lebron James, but I guess this was back when Lebron was a baby basketball star and not taking his talents to Miami. (Did I just accurately reference sports?) (L: Possibly! All I know is that he has since left Miami...)
Wallace insists he's fine, but Veronica is all, my ex-boyfriend just left town with his dead ex-girlfriend's vampire slayer baby so, just let me take care of you so I don't have to think about that.
Wallace insists he's fine, but Veronica is all, my ex-boyfriend just left town with his dead ex-girlfriend's vampire slayer baby so, just let me take care of you so I don't have to think about that.
We pick up with the aftermath of where we left off last time, with the three couples at their respective locations. Joey thanks Jack a little awkwardly for posing for her. A pantsless Jen tells Dawson that his arrival was "an unexpected encounter." Pacey and Andie kiss sweetly by the Witter Mobile. Jack asks Joey if she has any regrets, and she shakes her head. They kiss. Dawson tells Jen he'll see her tomorrow and kisses her on the forehead before leaving. Pacey and Andie continue to be adorable before she heads inside. Jack leaves. The zoomy cameraman shows us Joey's "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS" face. Then Pacey's. Then Jen's.
I DON"T WANNA WAIT. (D: FOR THIS EPISODE TO BE OVER, OH I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW - WHO GOT LAAAAAIIIIID!)
I DON"T WANNA WAIT. (D: FOR THIS EPISODE TO BE OVER, OH I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW - WHO GOT LAAAAAIIIIID!)
Logan is heading up to the Billionaire Bros Bungalow. Before the elevator doors close, Veronica runs inside. Because it is a Logan/Veronica interaction, it's been fully gifed for your viewing pleasure:
Sweeney: It's good to know there are some things we can count on in this world, like shippers on Tumblr.
Lor: All that "Duncan is sad over the death of his ex and his new baby" exposition over, those two finally get upstairs. Veronica walks into Duncan's room, with more sarcastic commentary from Logan in the background. It's a little hard to keep track of Logan's moods sometimes.
Sweeney: It's good to know there are some things we can count on in this world, like shippers on Tumblr.
Lor: All that "Duncan is sad over the death of his ex and his new baby" exposition over, those two finally get upstairs. Veronica walks into Duncan's room, with more sarcastic commentary from Logan in the background. It's a little hard to keep track of Logan's moods sometimes.
The episode begins, of course, with Dawson confessing his undying love for Pacey. In the greatest fan-service scene since Pacey's Braveheart monologue, we watch our least favorite leading man and our favorite leading man be totally gay together.
Kirsti: My notes specifically say "...does this count as queerbaiting???"
Diva: Dawson leans in like he's going to kiss Pacey, but then grabs his script and points out that Pacey missed a line. Because they're doing a dramatic reading of Dawson's script, with Pacey playing the girl. For rehearsal, even though neither of them plan on acting in this film. Okay, sure, show.
Kirsti: My notes specifically say "...does this count as queerbaiting???"
Diva: Dawson leans in like he's going to kiss Pacey, but then grabs his script and points out that Pacey missed a line. Because they're doing a dramatic reading of Dawson's script, with Pacey playing the girl. For rehearsal, even though neither of them plan on acting in this film. Okay, sure, show.
Veronica stares broodily at her shitty school holiday-themed dessert. Duncan sits down excitedly, but Veronica's got no time for happy and cuts right to the "Your comatose girlfriend is pregnant" chase. Duncan confesses that he found this out from reading Meg's letter, and Veronica's upset that Duncan didn't tell her. Dick arrives to break the tension by inviting them to a big holiday party, which Duncan can't attend. Dick also nonchalantly exposits that Meg woke up. (L: God bless Ryan Hansen for trying to make this exposition work.) Once Dick leaves, Veronica gets into PI mode, pulling out her VISITOR pass from the last episode, assuring Duncan that she can get them in to see the no-longer-comatose Meg.
Democracy Diva: And her superhero vampire slayer fetus that can survive explosions and bus crashes and comas.
Democracy Diva: And her superhero vampire slayer fetus that can survive explosions and bus crashes and comas.
Shrine o' Spielberg. Jen's reading Dawson's movie script while he freaks out in the background. When she finishes, he asks what she thinks, and she says "The truth truth or the what-Dawson-wants-to-hear truth?", which is totally legit. He assumes this means she hates it. She assures him that she doesn't hate it, but that it's fluff. I laugh hysterically because let's be perfectly honest here - Dawson is writing real person fan fic about him and Joey, and it is 10,000% fluff. Dawson gets offended, which only gets worse when Jen says that the script felt naive.
He rambles about "the age of innocence," and this officially sounds like the worst fan fic on the face of the earth, except maybe ones that are written in the second person.
Democracy Diva: And, you know, Fifty Shades of Grey.
He rambles about "the age of innocence," and this officially sounds like the worst fan fic on the face of the earth, except maybe ones that are written in the second person.
Democracy Diva: And, you know, Fifty Shades of Grey.
We begin with Health Teacher Ms. Hauser introducing Phase 2 of Neptune High Sex Ed: Fancy fake babies that know when you're being a negligent parent! They must just cry nonstop in Traumaland.
Also, in my high school, we just had eggs, not babies with memory chips. We named ours Mr. Feeny, and I dropped him on the floor when I got jostled in our stupid over-crowded hallways. Anyway, before Veronica and Duncan can get their fake baby on, she gets called down to the vice principal's office.
Lorraine: We got eggs except for like four babies which two random couples would be stuck with. I left my egg baby in a classroom the opening weekend of our performing arts group's show and when I came back on Monday, someone had cracked it and stolen the Beenie Baby from it's basket. I was most upset about the Beenie Baby.
Also, in my high school, we just had eggs, not babies with memory chips. We named ours Mr. Feeny, and I dropped him on the floor when I got jostled in our stupid over-crowded hallways. Anyway, before Veronica and Duncan can get their fake baby on, she gets called down to the vice principal's office.
Lorraine: We got eggs except for like four babies which two random couples would be stuck with. I left my egg baby in a classroom the opening weekend of our performing arts group's show and when I came back on Monday, someone had cracked it and stolen the Beenie Baby from it's basket. I was most upset about the Beenie Baby.
Shrine O'Spielberg. Pacey is eating pizza and generally pissing Dawson off by noting that everyone in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington is totally dead right now. After a discussion about how Dawson is Richie Cunningham Jimmy Stewart every nice guy in film/TV history, Jen stumbles in and collapses on Dawson's bed, wasted. This scene basically just establishes that Jen is back to her hot mess Big City Girl ways, and Pacey likes pizza, because it's yummy.
Kirsti: That Pacey. Always the sensible one...
Kirsti: That Pacey. Always the sensible one...
A hazy spirit!Meg asks, "do you love me? Did you ever love me?" Spirit!Meg says that before the crash, her life didn't flash before her eyes. She thought back to her last perfect moment with (presumably) Duncan. We hear Veronica say, "please." Veronica says Duncan can save her if he wants to. Veronica walks up behind Meg's chair wearing some Bad Girl Styling that includes leather pants and fishnet, for real.
Bad!Veronica says she's heard enough. Spirit!Meg asks what Veronica has that she doesn't. Bad!Veronica ties a sleeping mask around her mouth and says that for starters, she's conscious. Bad!V walks toward the camera and asks Duncan if that's really what he wants. "Teddy bears and MASH notes? Grow up. Grow up and get over it." Bad!Veronica slaps Duncan in the dream and this startles him awake.
Bad!Veronica says she's heard enough. Spirit!Meg asks what Veronica has that she doesn't. Bad!Veronica ties a sleeping mask around her mouth and says that for starters, she's conscious. Bad!V walks toward the camera and asks Duncan if that's really what he wants. "Teddy bears and MASH notes? Grow up. Grow up and get over it." Bad!Veronica slaps Duncan in the dream and this startles him awake.
Shrine o' Spielberg. Dawson wibbles about Shakespeare while watching the Elizabeth Taylor version of The Taming of the Shrew. The camera pans out to show us that his post-break up movie watching partner is Gail. LOL. Gail cries over the movie, and Dawson expresses concern over her excess of emotions. She, in return, says she's worried about his LACK of emotions over Joey breaking up with him. Because apparently wallowing in being dumped makes you a better person. Or something...
Democracy Diva: Dubious advice, but it was nice to see these two have a cute bonding moment.
Democracy Diva: Dubious advice, but it was nice to see these two have a cute bonding moment.
Billionaire Bros Bungalow. Duncan's trying to have sexytimes with Veronica, but he's so incredibly boring that she'd much rather entertain herself with her adorable impression of The Dude. (L: Friend, even your KISSES are boring. Find help.) Duncan turns off The Big Lebowski and finally gets her attention, only to be cockblocked by the return of his new roommate. Things are awkward and Logan is generally as rude as possible. Veronica's attempt at playing nice is interrupted by a knock at the door. It's Kendall and she recognizes Veronica as "iPod girl with the waxy eared boyfriend." Logan squeezes in a few more asshole comments and away they go.
We begin with Andie performing a flawless rendition of the Footloose dance for Joey, Dawson, and Pacey. It's the greatest thing to happen on this show since Pacey's Braveheart speech. I will take a moment to repeat what I say in every single episode, which is WHY ARE THERE EVEN OTHER CHARACTERS ON THIS SHOW BESIDES ANDIE AND PACEY. Oh, and Jack
Kirsti: Truth. At least at this point of the show. Some of the other characters would be permitted to return at certain points, but Dawson would be gone forever if I were running this show.
Diva: Any-tangent, Andie is trying to convince the three least school-spirited kids on earth to go to the homecoming dance.
Kirsti: Truth. At least at this point of the show. Some of the other characters would be permitted to return at certain points, but Dawson would be gone forever if I were running this show.
Diva: Any-tangent, Andie is trying to convince the three least school-spirited kids on earth to go to the homecoming dance.
Veronica Voice-Over starts things off, explaining how a week ago, Veronica thought things would turn out differently. She imagined Keith winning the sheriff election in a landslide, and she and Wallace would sneak champagne and prank-call Deputy Lamb. Instead, the election is unbelievably close, and Wallace is off with his dad somewhere. Meanwhile, Veronica is tense at Mars for Sheriff Election Results Party Extravaganza, while Cliff the lawyer gets drunk.
Sweeney: I usually adore Cliff's sass, but his, "GIMME A DRINK, GIRL," sass wasn't some of his finer work. Fortunately this is just his teaser material and he has the rest of the episode to redeem himself.
Sweeney: I usually adore Cliff's sass, but his, "GIMME A DRINK, GIRL," sass wasn't some of his finer work. Fortunately this is just his teaser material and he has the rest of the episode to redeem himself.
Shrine o' Spielberg. A werewolf movie plays on Dawson's TV as he talks about how romantic the full moon is. The camera pans up to show us that Dawson and Joey aren't on the bed, they're outside on the roof staring at the moon. Dawson wibbles some more about how romantic and peaceful it is, while Joey makes WTF faces and says that it's just "a natural satellite". Way to be a buzzkill, Potter. She starts talking about the full moon making people crazy and how she thinks it's because we're 70% water and the moon effects us as well as the tides. Dawson, meanwhile, is trying to swallow her head.
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