Alley. Bloody dumpster. A young on his way to take out the trash finds a bloody guy in the dumpster instead, so he understandably drops the trash bag and runs. Hopefully for help, but I wouldn't judge the kid if not. This is an awfully murder-y alley. The bloody guy in the dumpster? It's Matt and he's not doing so well.
A siren wails in the distance as a man walks in slow motion through a crowded street. Time catches up and the man pushes his way through the crowd. He pauses for a moment in shock when he sees his son on the floor. He kneels at Matty's side and tells him not to move. He yells for help and then takes a moment to gauge the chaos around him. Whatever accident happened, it involved a car, barrels of something shady and multiple pedestrians.
We open the chapter with Bella talking about how her new special vampire brain is much bigger than her human brain because now she has room in there for questions about her daughter...
K: Dafuq?
Marines: She literally calls her brain strange, new and "roomy." ROOMY.
I... I don't think that's giving off the vibe you want, airhead.
K: Dafuq?
Marines: She literally calls her brain strange, new and "roomy." ROOMY.
I... I don't think that's giving off the vibe you want, airhead.
Bella looks out the window, kind of hesitating about jumping from the second story. She says she isn't afraid of heights, but with her HD vision, she can now see the sharpness of the rocks below even better... What kind of MF rocks do they have below this second story window, for goodness's sake? I don't care how good your vision is, HOW SHARP COULD THEY BE?
Hahahaha, LUCKY ME I GET TO RECAP THE CHAPTER WHERE BELLA JUST LOOKS AT THINGS WITH HER NEW VAMPIRE EYEBALLS.
Annie: Still recovering from the birth chapter, so... I love you, but I do not have the emotional capacity to show sympathy for you rn.
Marines: On the brightish side, our readers will certainly be v sympathetic to our long bouts of silence, surely.
Catherine: I can't see how they wouldn't be. They are very charitable.
Annie: Still recovering from the birth chapter, so... I love you, but I do not have the emotional capacity to show sympathy for you rn.
Marines: On the brightish side, our readers will certainly be v sympathetic to our long bouts of silence, surely.
Catherine: I can't see how they wouldn't be. They are very charitable.
New two-parter = new credits! NPH sings, "the lumber mill is where the Baudelaires are forced to work, the eye doctor is sinister, the owner is a jerk, they end up in a fiendish plot with logs and hypnotism, the very thought of watching should be met with skepticism."
Look away, look away, etc.
New dedication to Beatrice: my love flew like a butterfly, until death swooped down like a bat.
Look away, look away, etc.
New dedication to Beatrice: my love flew like a butterfly, until death swooped down like a bat.
Look away, look away!
We start with the kids standing in front of the wide window, reading Josephine's suicide note. What we thought was a grammatical error previously turns out to be a few errors. Dowadger instead of dowager. Leadle instead of lead. But perhaps the worst thing of all is that the end of the letter says that Josephine is leaving the kids in the care of Captain Sham. We fade from Violet saying that it can't be, to Lemony in the nearer present, in front of the ruins of Josephine's house. Lemony says that when you lose someone close to you, "it can't be" are often the words that run through your saddened head.
We start with the kids standing in front of the wide window, reading Josephine's suicide note. What we thought was a grammatical error previously turns out to be a few errors. Dowadger instead of dowager. Leadle instead of lead. But perhaps the worst thing of all is that the end of the letter says that Josephine is leaving the kids in the care of Captain Sham. We fade from Violet saying that it can't be, to Lemony in the nearer present, in front of the ruins of Josephine's house. Lemony says that when you lose someone close to you, "it can't be" are often the words that run through your saddened head.
New guardian means new credits! This time we're told that this guardian is wracked with fear and panic and they end up on a boat that might as well be the Titanic. (S: Meanwhile I overthink where a Titanic reference puts us in time.) So, you know, look away, look away!
We start at an old-timey looking news station for Lachrymose News, "where things keep happening until they stop happening." I know this "it keeps happening" feeling because it encapsulates all of my feelings about the current administration.
We start at an old-timey looking news station for Lachrymose News, "where things keep happening until they stop happening." I know this "it keeps happening" feeling because it encapsulates all of my feelings about the current administration.
Welcome to the bloody Quentin Tarantino Chapter of Breaking Dawn, also known as nope, nope, fucking no, nope.
The title of this chapter is 'There are no words for this'. Aptly named. I'm still not sure that prepares us all for what is to come in this chapter, but I'm doing my best.
Kirsti: Come, friends. Let us gather around the Snark Lady Booze Cupboard and drink its full contents before proceeding with this abomination of a chapter.
The title of this chapter is 'There are no words for this'. Aptly named. I'm still not sure that prepares us all for what is to come in this chapter, but I'm doing my best.
Kirsti: Come, friends. Let us gather around the Snark Lady Booze Cupboard and drink its full contents before proceeding with this abomination of a chapter.
I feel like you guys aren't even going to believe this chapter name but I am here to faithfully report it: What Do I Look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.
The drama is real. Also, I'm not convinced Jacob has a brain or a heart so...
Kirsti: Neither. Neither is good. (Seriously though - that chapter title is fucking ridiculous. No wonder this book is seven trillion pages long...)
Annie: Everything about this is ridiculous, so at least Meyer is staying on message?
The drama is real. Also, I'm not convinced Jacob has a brain or a heart so...
Kirsti: Neither. Neither is good. (Seriously though - that chapter title is fucking ridiculous. No wonder this book is seven trillion pages long...)
Annie: Everything about this is ridiculous, so at least Meyer is staying on message?
Jacob wakes up (-_-) on the floor when Edward decides that it's time to cool Bella down. He heads out with Leah to do "the deep run" while Seth stays on patrol. They don't find anything. I just recapped 3 pages. You're welcome.
Marines: I love these reminders that this is way too many words to describe boring crap and utter horrors.
Marines: I love these reminders that this is way too many words to describe boring crap and utter horrors.
The title of this chapter is 'Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock', which is appropriate because I can feel my life slipping away as I read it. (K: Samesies.) (A: Ditto.)
We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it's because, although Leah is 'trying hard' to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn't like the vampires and she doesn't like Jake and Seth's friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it's because he understands her hostility better now.
We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it's because, although Leah is 'trying hard' to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn't like the vampires and she doesn't like Jake and Seth's friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it's because he understands her hostility better now.
Jacob returns to the Cullens' house to find Edward has left out a set of clothes for him. He takes the clothes that reek of vampire back to the forest to make sure Edward hasn't played a trick on him or given him ladies clothes or something. Because cross dressing is both HILARIOUS and something to be embarrassed and ashamed about. Haha, lol.
Hi, hello there! I'm back from 1- Three business trips in a month 2- moving into a new apartment in a nearby city 3- CATCHING THE FLU and 4- having Breaking Dawn be number 247 on my list of overall priorities. Luckily for you all (?), I missed you guys and so here we are.
Annie: I don't know if I'd use 'lucky' and Breaking Dawn in the same sentence, but let's do this.
Annie: I don't know if I'd use 'lucky' and Breaking Dawn in the same sentence, but let's do this.
Credits, which now allude to the fact that the Baudelaires are with Dr. Montgomery. The song tells us up front that this adult is also going to be bad at adulting, so cool. On the bright side, I didn't know I could love these credits more, but they are CUSTOMIZED. I already know I want to rewatch all the credits once I finish the series and my memory is more fresh on what all the little tidbits are. (S: Agreed, this is a very exciting development.) (A: They were a little spoilery, but it brings me joy, so.)
Plugin by Social Author Bio