The previouslies show us Lisa, from season 3, who has a son named Ben. It was the episode with the creepy ass children.
Kirsti: I'm sorry, you'll have to be more specific. There are at least 2 episodes a season with creepy children...
Samantha: This segues us into the Impala burning rubber down a highway at night. Sam's arm is injured and they are both a little frantic. They mention how they've never seen that many in one place before, just as the Impala screeches to a halt in front of a flaming barricade in the road.
We made it!
Yeah, we fell pretty off pace there toward the end. I feel like we were way more prepared the first time around, probably because we were bright eyed and bushy tailed, even if we expected the books to be bad.
Annie: And because it had been so long since we'd read these books, we'd forgotten how absolutely awful they were! Like, really, really awful. Way, way worse than I'd remembered.
Catherine: Reliving it ten years later is somehow way worse, guys.
Yeah, we fell pretty off pace there toward the end. I feel like we were way more prepared the first time around, probably because we were bright eyed and bushy tailed, even if we expected the books to be bad.
Annie: And because it had been so long since we'd read these books, we'd forgotten how absolutely awful they were! Like, really, really awful. Way, way worse than I'd remembered.
Catherine: Reliving it ten years later is somehow way worse, guys.
The previouslies is basically a montage of the boys dying a million times, followed by a reminder that the Samulet and its God-finding powers are a thing, so clearly we're in for tons of fun.
We open at the Motel of the Week. Dean's face down in the pillow, surrounded by empty beer cans. He wakes to find two balaclava-wearing guys pointing guns at him and Sam. Sam looks freaked. Dean's all "Must be Tuesday" about it. The guys do the typical villain here's-my-motive-ing (Dean started the Apocalypse, Sam's a freak blah blah whatever), and Dean realises that he knows them - the guys are hunters. Sam tries to explain, but gets shot in the chest for his trouble.
We open at the Motel of the Week. Dean's face down in the pillow, surrounded by empty beer cans. He wakes to find two balaclava-wearing guys pointing guns at him and Sam. Sam looks freaked. Dean's all "Must be Tuesday" about it. The guys do the typical villain here's-my-motive-ing (Dean started the Apocalypse, Sam's a freak blah blah whatever), and Dean realises that he knows them - the guys are hunters. Sam tries to explain, but gets shot in the chest for his trouble.
You guys, we are so close to the torture being over. SO CLOSE.
This chapter is called "Vote", so WHO KNOWS WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!
Edward grabs Bella and jumps out the window before putting her onto his back like a baby monkey and running off into the forest. Now that she's a daredevil and not a wuss, Bella keeps her eyes open and thinks that vampire piggyback is far superior than riding a motorcycle for thrills. She kisses Edward's neck and he promises them both that he'll win her trust back.
This chapter is called "Vote", so WHO KNOWS WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!
Edward grabs Bella and jumps out the window before putting her onto his back like a baby monkey and running off into the forest. Now that she's a daredevil and not a wuss, Bella keeps her eyes open and thinks that vampire piggyback is far superior than riding a motorcycle for thrills. She kisses Edward's neck and he promises them both that he'll win her trust back.
Bella wakes up again. At the beginning of every chapter she must wake up. It is the prophecy.
She immediately remembers she had a bad dream that was also a thing that actually happened to her and takes like, 3 paragraphs to remind us of this thing that just happened to her. 700% of this book is just Bella rehashing things that we already had to suffer through once. In another life, we Snark Ladies must have sinned terribly.
She immediately remembers she had a bad dream that was also a thing that actually happened to her and takes like, 3 paragraphs to remind us of this thing that just happened to her. 700% of this book is just Bella rehashing things that we already had to suffer through once. In another life, we Snark Ladies must have sinned terribly.
Previously: Bella met the Volturi, ha, ha, ha! — Annie: The chapter opens with Demitri leaving the trio in the reception area and reminding them that they are not to...
Bella ends up in an "unremarkable" room, which she then remarks on for a paragraph. (K: THANK YOU. That annoyed me so much.) Edward is glowering at the hallway as Jane leads them to an elevator. Once inside, the Volturi Vamps relax and take off their cloaks so Bella can comment on their olive complexion which looks "odd" combined with their chalky pallor. Only the palest, truest white for Bella Swan.
Kirsti: She also talks about their eyes, saying that, "their irises were deep crimson around the edges, darkening until they were black around the pupils." ....black around the pupils. Which are also black. HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU TELL WHERE THEIR IRISES ENDED AND THEIR PUPILS STARTED?!
Kirsti: She also talks about their eyes, saying that, "their irises were deep crimson around the edges, darkening until they were black around the pupils." ....black around the pupils. Which are also black. HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU TELL WHERE THEIR IRISES ENDED AND THEIR PUPILS STARTED?!
They start the climb up to the city and Bella freaks as the traffic slows down. Eventually, they realise that everyone's being made to park and go into the city on foot. Bella tells us that it's super windy and there's red clothes and flags and scarves everywhere. Alice announces that she can't see what's going to happen any more, and that if it doesn't work, Bella has to go in alone and run to Palazzo dei Priori. Alice tells her to run and not get lost. Shockingly, she doesn't include "don't fall down and hurt yourself like you always do because your sole personality trait is clumsy".
We open at a cemetery where it's storming and hands start reaching out of the graves. Soon, a guy crawls all of the way out.
Kirsti: It was very Buffy-esque, to be honest, and I still can't decide if it was intentional or not.
Samantha: Head cannon that it was intentional.
A man is watching an animal documentary and drinking a beer. There's some scare fake outs and then zombie guy is in the house. He kills beer guy.
BLOOOOOOOOOD.
Kirsti: It was very Buffy-esque, to be honest, and I still can't decide if it was intentional or not.
Samantha: Head cannon that it was intentional.
A man is watching an animal documentary and drinking a beer. There's some scare fake outs and then zombie guy is in the house. He kills beer guy.
BLOOOOOOOOOD.
This chapter is TENSE. Or about as tense as Meyer's writing ever gets. Which is kinda like a longer than normal shrug.
“We made our flight with seconds to spare, and then the true torture began.”
Um, the true torture began 424 pages ago, Bella. (A: Let's be honest. The torture began almost two books ago.) (C: Was it ONLY two books?)
She's referring to the fact that she has to sit and (K)stew on a plane while those bitch flight attendants 'casually' stroll up and down the aisles and do their normal jobs like some kind of fucking idiots.
“We made our flight with seconds to spare, and then the true torture began.”
Um, the true torture began 424 pages ago, Bella. (A: Let's be honest. The torture began almost two books ago.) (C: Was it ONLY two books?)
She's referring to the fact that she has to sit and (K)stew on a plane while those bitch flight attendants 'casually' stroll up and down the aisles and do their normal jobs like some kind of fucking idiots.
Bella runs down the stairs and throws the door open to find Jacob at the front door. Well, not quite at the door:
Kirsti: Now, friends. I want you all to do something for me. Try and wrinkle your nose while keeping the rest of your face smooth. Please send pictures. Not owning a face is clearly something that SMeyer and EL James have in common.
Annie: Just tried that. Absolutely not sharing pictures of it.
"He was standing about 6 feet back from the door, his nose wrinkled in distaste, but his face otherwise smooth - masklike."
Kirsti: Now, friends. I want you all to do something for me. Try and wrinkle your nose while keeping the rest of your face smooth. Please send pictures. Not owning a face is clearly something that SMeyer and EL James have in common.
Annie: Just tried that. Absolutely not sharing pictures of it.
We've fallen off pace a bit here, and it's my fault. Time is so hard, you guys.
Catherine: SO hard. It went forward like, an hour the other day and we can't be blamed for that. So...
Kirsti: I would say that I stole it, but Australia is on daylight saving for another 2 weeks, so it definitely wasn't me.
Mari: Bella finds Alice in her house, waiting "perfectly motionless in the center of the hall." So, in addition to breaking and entering, Alice is just standing there. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.
Catherine: SO hard. It went forward like, an hour the other day and we can't be blamed for that. So...
Kirsti: I would say that I stole it, but Australia is on daylight saving for another 2 weeks, so it definitely wasn't me.
Mari: Bella finds Alice in her house, waiting "perfectly motionless in the center of the hall." So, in addition to breaking and entering, Alice is just standing there. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.
Just as Bella thinks she's about to drown, her head breaks the surface. BOOOOOOOOOOO. The waves slam her up against some rocks, which doesn't, like, hurt her or cut her in any way. No, no, friends. The rocks basically perform CPR on her, ensuring that all the water in her lungs gets spewed back out. What the shit, Meyer.
An anxious voice orders her to breathe, and Bella gets super sad when she realises that it's Jacob and not Edward.
Marines: Jacob is telling her to breathe but because it's Jacob and not Edward, "I could not obey."
An anxious voice orders her to breathe, and Bella gets super sad when she realises that it's Jacob and not Edward.
Marines: Jacob is telling her to breathe but because it's Jacob and not Edward, "I could not obey."
We open yet another chapter with Bella waking up in the morning. I know Meyer didn't actually invent that shitty writing shortcut or anything, and it's possible she didn't even notice she was doing it so often, but does she not understand how fucking annoying it is to read? EVERY CHAPTER Bella is waking up for the morning and EVERY CHAPTER she goes to bed at the end. And it's not like this is an intentional motif or anything.
I'm not even sure this complaint is making sense. This book is sapping my will to make sense.
I'm not even sure this complaint is making sense. This book is sapping my will to make sense.
I'm not going to lie, you guys. When I saw that I had to recap this episode, I nearly threw up in my mouth. Because the opening scene is SO FUCKING SQUICKY AND I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT. But because I love you, I'm going to power through.
Samantha: We really appreciate you.
K: The previouslies remind us about the Four Horsemen and Sam's demon blood addiction, so we're clearly in for a fun episode...
Samantha: We really appreciate you.
K: The previouslies remind us about the Four Horsemen and Sam's demon blood addiction, so we're clearly in for a fun episode...
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