The brilliant title of this chapter is, "sure as hell didn't see that one coming." There is a vampire sperm/mystical pregnancy joke in there and this is me making it.
Catherine: Omg. Mari, WHY?!?
Kirsti: -_- Pass the brain bleach, please.
Annie: Nope, sorry. I used it all last chapter.
Lucky, lucky me. We change to Jacob's perspective for the middle chunk of the book. JOY.
Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella's perspective is Jacob's perspective.
Annie: See, I'd completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it's still written by SMeyer.
Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella's perspective is Jacob's perspective.
Annie: See, I'd completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it's still written by SMeyer.
Yet another chapter begins with Bella's fake psychic dreams. I'm not gonna recap this one and waste your precious time. Just imagine heavy-handed descriptions about dark “ruby eyes” and another vampire child and you've got the gist of it. Or just read the rest of these recaps and then go back and imagine that Bella had a dream that vaguely predicted the plot of the story for reasons that are never explained and never come up again.
Edward is sticking to his guns and refusing to have sex with Bella again as long as she's human. Which is tricky cuz Bella can't get enough of the sparkle peen and wants it bad.
Marines: Oh my goodness, you mean we are still denying Bella any fulfillment of her sexual desires with a ring on it? Color me shocked.
Kirsti: Whaaaaaaat?? I NEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS TURN OF EVENTS.
Marines: Oh my goodness, you mean we are still denying Bella any fulfillment of her sexual desires with a ring on it? Color me shocked.
Kirsti: Whaaaaaaat?? I NEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS TURN OF EVENTS.
I'm going to be upfront about this - I've only ever seen this episode once because it scared the living shit out of me while also being not great. So... that's something to look forward to?
Marines: Well, if it helps, I actually thought this episode was great and hands down the best of the Tennant specials we've seen so far. It is also terrifying, though, so 2/2 Snark Ladies agree on that.
Marines: Well, if it helps, I actually thought this episode was great and hands down the best of the Tennant specials we've seen so far. It is also terrifying, though, so 2/2 Snark Ladies agree on that.
Previously: Jacob got so pissed at Edward for thinking about sexing his wife. — Marines: Stephenie Meyer is terrible at transitions so instead of cutting to their arrival at their honeymoon...
Bella tells us that the wedding flows smoothly into the reception which starts AT TWILIGHT. I see what you did there, SMeyer. You're not even remotely subtle.
Anyway, apparently there are "another ten thousand flowers" outside with the marquee and dance floor, and I really hope that's an exaggeration because that is a fuckton of flowers. If it's not exaggeration, I hope they sent out antihistamines with the invitations...
Marines: There are only like 10 humans there and no one cares about them anyway.
Anyway, apparently there are "another ten thousand flowers" outside with the marquee and dance floor, and I really hope that's an exaggeration because that is a fuckton of flowers. If it's not exaggeration, I hope they sent out antihistamines with the invitations...
Marines: There are only like 10 humans there and no one cares about them anyway.
So, Bella wakes up from another of her dumb psychic nightmares that are never explained and she's immediately pissed at herself for having such a disturbing dream the night before her wedding. Um, okay.
Annie: If I was marrying Edward, I'd be having nightmares, too.
Catherine: Fair.
Annie: If I was marrying Edward, I'd be having nightmares, too.
Catherine: Fair.
International Gallery. Four armed guards take their positions around a force field meant to protect a big ass golden goblet. I'm going to show you how they are protecting this and you tell me if you see any lapses in security:
Kirsti: As a former museum curator, THIS IS THE WORST SECURITY OF ALL TIME. Why the eff would you spend that much on laser systems and paying security guards and, you know, NOT PUT THE FREAKING OBJECT IN A SHOWCASE WITH BUILT IN ALARMS AND BULLET PROOF GLASS?!?!?!?! Sense: this doesn't any make.
Kirsti: As a former museum curator, THIS IS THE WORST SECURITY OF ALL TIME. Why the eff would you spend that much on laser systems and paying security guards and, you know, NOT PUT THE FREAKING OBJECT IN A SHOWCASE WITH BUILT IN ALARMS AND BULLET PROOF GLASS?!?!?!?! Sense: this doesn't any make.
We open this chapter with Bella and Edward whinging about having to be apart between 'hot' makeout sessions. Bella tells us how hard it is for her to remember Edward is a vampire. Not because he's so perfect and wonderful, but because he shows such restraint for not ripping her throat out and drinking all her delicious blood until she's dead, dead, dead. (K: Shame.)
Welcome back, dearest of friends. Welcome to the beginning of the end. We hope you made it through the dumpster fire that was 2016 in one piece. I'd say something about starting 2017 off on this terrible foot, but who are we kidding? We are going to laugh ourselves dizzy, and perhaps yell ourselves sad, but... friends and drinks. Welcome indeed.
t's senior ski trip time! And therefore one of the Snark Ladies' favourite episodes of this often terrible but weirdly endearing show. We open with Gretchen dropping Pacey and Joey off at school, and informing them that senior ski trip is usually batshit crazy - on her class trip, someone got pregnant, someone got arrested, and someone's hair caught on fire. Joey gets "SAVE ME NOW" face. Pacey promises to watch out for her hair. As they turn to go, Gretchen pulls Joey aside and suggests she give Dawson a call over the weekend.
Welcome back, dear readers. Hopefully this episode will bring us way less emotional abuse!
Leery's Worst Restaurant Name. Gail is upset because Gretchen in taking personal calls at work, instead of doing her job and getting more wine.
Kirsti: I've had bosses crack the sads at me for even touching my phone at work, so the idea of Gretchen taking personal calls (ON THE WORK LANDLINE NO LESS!) is baffling to me.
Leery's Worst Restaurant Name. Gail is upset because Gretchen in taking personal calls at work, instead of doing her job and getting more wine.
Kirsti: I've had bosses crack the sads at me for even touching my phone at work, so the idea of Gretchen taking personal calls (ON THE WORK LANDLINE NO LESS!) is baffling to me.
And so we enter the weird sort-of season. I honestly can't remember the entire story behind why there was this series of specials instead of a whole season, but I think it had something to do with David Tennant being cast as Hamlet in the Royal Shakespeare Company's production and it being far more successful than they'd planned??? Or something?
Whatever the reason, in 2009, there was no actual season.
Whatever the reason, in 2009, there was no actual season.
Pacey's asleep on the sofa when Joey wakes him up by singing happy birthday and shoving a cupcake in his face.
He's none too pleased by this method of being woken up, and hopes like hell for no further acknowledgement of his birthday because birthdays are the actual worst.
Chelsea: This is not the way to wake someone up, ESPECIALLY ON THEIR BIRTHDAY. You let them wake up naturally and then bribe them with cake.
He's none too pleased by this method of being woken up, and hopes like hell for no further acknowledgement of his birthday because birthdays are the actual worst.
Chelsea: This is not the way to wake someone up, ESPECIALLY ON THEIR BIRTHDAY. You let them wake up naturally and then bribe them with cake.
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