Bella is driving home, paying little attention to the drive, but instead, thinking all about her visit with Jacob, when she spots Edward's Volvo (M: Sparkle) in her rearview mirror. Edward is following way too closely behind her. That sounds super safe. Bella seems worried about how much trouble she's going to be in, which is not a thing that should be happening, as Bella is an adult and Edward is her boyfriend. Not her parent.
Bella drives straight to Angela's house, calling herself a chicken. Yeah, Bella. You're scared to be alone with your boyfriend. You're such a big chicken!
Hello, Snarkers of the internet. I am so, so happy to be revisiting my absolute favorite show of the 90’s. My love for Joshua Jackson runs, to this day, as deep as it ever has. As does my hatred of Katie Holmes' acting abilities.
Kirsti: Shocker that the rest of the main quartet are now famous for their acting abilities while she's famous for having been married to a lunatic.
Kirsti: Shocker that the rest of the main quartet are now famous for their acting abilities while she's famous for having been married to a lunatic.
This chapter is called imprint and we're so far away from imprinting but I'm already throwing up in my mouth.
Catherine: It gets worse, guys. It always, always gets worse. Remember that.
Kirsti: Every time I think it can't possibly get worse, it gets much MUCH worse. So yeah.
Mari: We pick up one second after the end of the last chapter for whatever reason. Bella asks if Jake is okay since Charlie has basically been telling her how unokay he is. Also, she's probably also asking because of his giant wolf hands and emo letters.
Catherine: It gets worse, guys. It always, always gets worse. Remember that.
Kirsti: Every time I think it can't possibly get worse, it gets much MUCH worse. So yeah.
Mari: We pick up one second after the end of the last chapter for whatever reason. Bella asks if Jake is okay since Charlie has basically been telling her how unokay he is. Also, she's probably also asking because of his giant wolf hands and emo letters.
This chapter starts off amazingly well: "I was having a bad week." Bella, girl. You're having a bad LIFE. But guess what, y'all? Her bad week has very little to do with the fact that Victoria's back and everything to do with the fact that no one will turn her into a vampire several weeks ahead of schedule. She argues that being a weak little human person is a terrible idea with Victoria around, but the Cullen-Hales point out that there are seven of them versus one of Victoria and for some inexplicable reason, they all want Bella to stay safe.
CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!! (S: THERE'LL BE PEACE WHEN YOU ARE DOOONE.)
That's right, friends. It's the final episode of the season, and that means it's time for the previouslies to take us right back to the beginning and remind us of all the major plot points from the past five seasons that may prove relevant here. But mostly it means a full minute of jamming to Kansas because I have not so secretly terrible taste in music.
That's right, friends. It's the final episode of the season, and that means it's time for the previouslies to take us right back to the beginning and remind us of all the major plot points from the past five seasons that may prove relevant here. But mostly it means a full minute of jamming to Kansas because I have not so secretly terrible taste in music.
So every chapter of this book is roughly 30 pages long so far. I want you to really think about that, friends. 30 pages. There are chapters in War and Peace that are shorter than that.
Anyway! This endless nonsense begins with Edward and Bella getting back to Forks from their trip to Florida. Now, I know what you're thinking. Edward and Bella went all the way to Florida on a trip that probably lasted days and Meyer had the restraint to leave it out!?
Anyway! This endless nonsense begins with Edward and Bella getting back to Forks from their trip to Florida. Now, I know what you're thinking. Edward and Bella went all the way to Florida on a trip that probably lasted days and Meyer had the restraint to leave it out!?
Previously: Bella is off grounding, but Edward forbids her from seeing Jacob. — Annie: Bella is at school and she is not as miserable as she usually is. And it’s...
Hello! Welcome back. As ever, we are so happy to have you here and so not looking forward to the thing we voluntarily put ourselves through. The Internet is a strange place, my friends.
We start with the dedication:
Snort laugh when you see it.
Kirsti: I'm sure her kids are THRILLED to be included in the same dedication as... that.
Catherine: More evidence that Meyer doesn't know what words mean.
We start with the dedication:
Snort laugh when you see it.
Kirsti: I'm sure her kids are THRILLED to be included in the same dedication as... that.
Catherine: More evidence that Meyer doesn't know what words mean.
So we open in Iowa, at a fancy old person home hospital thing. Freaking Pestilence walks into an old lady's room. I dunno you guys, I had somehow convinced myself that all of the Pestilence stuff would be finished in the last episode and that I wouldn't have to recap him again. I was wrong. He sits down on the old lady's bed and acts all Good Doctor-y.
You guys, I'm really excited to be recapping this episode for one simple reason - this is the first episode of Doctor Who that I ever saw. I'd had friends telling me for years and years that I'd love it, that I had to watch it, that it was amazing. And I'd always been pretty meh about it. But one Saturday night in 2010, I was home alone in Canberra and had nothing to do (because I'm cool like that), and when ABC News finished, Doctor Who started. And I was still pretty meh about it, but was too lazy to get up and put a DVD on, so I watched it. Conveniently, this is one of those episodes like Blink that requires no prior knowledge of the show, so it was basically the perfect starting point.
The previouslies take us right back to Jessica, followed by a reminder about the Croatoan virus and Crowley, so clearly we're in for a good time.
We open in a medical research lab, full of lab rats and lab monkeys. A janitor mops the floor as two medical researchers in lab coats talk about how it seems crazy to jump straight to human testing when neither of them have seen the vaccine yet. They study the monkeys and jot down notes as they talk. One looks like a short version of Barack Obama, and it's very disconcerting. The janitor turns towards them and says that he's seen the vaccine. They're all "The fuck?", and he grins that he's running an experiment of his own.
We open in a medical research lab, full of lab rats and lab monkeys. A janitor mops the floor as two medical researchers in lab coats talk about how it seems crazy to jump straight to human testing when neither of them have seen the vaccine yet. They study the monkeys and jot down notes as they talk. One looks like a short version of Barack Obama, and it's very disconcerting. The janitor turns towards them and says that he's seen the vaccine. They're all "The fuck?", and he grins that he's running an experiment of his own.
Unsurprisingly, this episode which features archaeologists and libraries, is one of my favourites. Because it's freaking amazing.
Marines: I'm with you on the library and the amazing and the favorite and we're already squeeing and the episode hasn't started yet. I'M SO EXCITED.
K: "Close your eyes, and tell me what you see," says a voice. The tinkly orchestra tinkles as a little girl floats over a huge city and says that she sees the library. When she opens her eyes, she's in her living room, talking to a psychologist named Doctor Moon. (M: It's Colin Salmon, who I best know as Walter Steele in Arrow!)
Marines: I'm with you on the library and the amazing and the favorite and we're already squeeing and the episode hasn't started yet. I'M SO EXCITED.
K: "Close your eyes, and tell me what you see," says a voice. The tinkly orchestra tinkles as a little girl floats over a huge city and says that she sees the library. When she opens her eyes, she's in her living room, talking to a psychologist named Doctor Moon. (M: It's Colin Salmon, who I best know as Walter Steele in Arrow!)
This episode, a random favorite of mine, opens at a run down vacant motel in Indiana. A sheriff looking fella walks inside and starts looking around. We see that the name of the hotel is the Elysium Fields and the Greek Mythology nerd inside of me has a field (har har) day. We also see a flower pot bloom into life. The flowers look vaguely lotus-y if you put your imagination to it. There's lots of noises and camera angles to indicate that this motel is not quite as abandoned as it appears. Sure enough, the sheriff guy turns around to find an immaculate looking bellhop standing there. He tries to tell the bellhop that he isn't allowed to be here, but Bellhop just rambles about how he has to get everything ready because they are all coming. He then tells the sherif cop guy that he's dinner and murders the fuck out of him.
The TARDIS lands in front of a manor and the Doctor can smell grass, lemonade and a little bit of mint in the air. It must be the 1920s. Donna disbelievingly asks if he can really tell what year it is by the smell. The Doctor confirms, but Donna's on to his games.
Kirsti: I love the look on his face in the last gif. Equal parts pride and "oh, someone finally twigged..."
Mari: Some swing jazzy music starts. The man driving the vintage car (Professor Peach) is greeted by the manor staff. A reverend bikes up to the manor as well and he exchanges pleasantries with Professor Peach. The Reverend goes ahead inside because Professor Peach needs to check on something before the party... alone.
Kirsti: I love the look on his face in the last gif. Equal parts pride and "oh, someone finally twigged..."
Mari: Some swing jazzy music starts. The man driving the vintage car (Professor Peach) is greeted by the manor staff. A reverend bikes up to the manor as well and he exchanges pleasantries with Professor Peach. The Reverend goes ahead inside because Professor Peach needs to check on something before the party... alone.
Is anyone else going to spend the rest of the recap singing Phantom of the Opera, thanks to this episode title? No? Bueller? Okay, fine. I'll actually recap this thing.
Samantha: Unfortunately, Phantom is one of the musicals I don't know by heart yet, but I am going to kick things off with this gif in celebration of the 100th episode!
Samantha: Unfortunately, Phantom is one of the musicals I don't know by heart yet, but I am going to kick things off with this gif in celebration of the 100th episode!
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