Lor: I was never a cheerleader. I could attribute this to my two left feet, distaste for most group activities and propensity for alienating people, but the truth is that I never tried cheerleading because my mother deemed the skirts too short, and we all know short skirts are the devil.
K: I was never a cheerleader, because we don’t do that shit in Australia.
And also because of all the reasons Lor said. (Except for my mother thinking short skirts were the devil. She grew up in the 1960s and so was ALL about the short skirts...)
E.L. James likes to end scenes with falling asleep, because it's quick and easy and because she learned all her writing skillz from the second grade. If the last page of this book says "it was all a dream," I QUIT LIFE.
We start chapter 17 with -shock- Ana waking up. She was dreaming of a candle flame and she's a moth flying right for the light. She says, "I'm flying too close to the sun," and even though she doesn't mention Icarus, that's like a copy paste from two pages ago.
Ana realizes that she's dreaming of hot things because Grey is draped across her and his body is making her hot. I know this is really nuanced writing here, but try to keep up.
We're told that Grey's body heat is suffocating Ana. If we've learned anything from all the times her breathing has failed her, though, it's that Ana lives not by oxygen alone. I think she actually breathes gray eyes, abusive relationships and hating Katherine Kavanagh. She proves this by taking a moment out from suffocating to be really happy that Grey spent the night in her bed.
I feel like we should start this second post of Buffy recaps with a disclaimer. We will not be devoting an entire post to each episode. Because that would be CU-RAAAAZY, and I’m pretty sure both Lor and I would go insane after the 144 posts that would require.
At the end of “Welcome to the Hellmouth”, Buffy is trapped in a tomb with a huge, ugly vampire dude, and he’s about to bite her.
Which bring us to...
“The Harvest”
So apparently the huge, ugly vampire dude (whose name is Luke) has really terrible aim when it comes to necks. Or he was trying to bite her boobs? Either way, he ends up with a mouthful of the enormous crucifix necklace that Angel presented Buffy with in the last episode.
Ana's waking up and she's all hazy with sleep and sex. Her head is on his chest and she tells us that he smells like fresh laundry and the best smell in the world: Christian.
Oh, really? He smells like Christian. Great, amazing. Thank you E.L. James for not actually wanting to do any writing heavy lifting and vague-ing it up so that lonely women every where can insert their own interpretation of what the Christian smell is.
I'd personally like to think he smells of mommy issues and desperation. Oh, and a little papery, like the money that makes it all okay.
Ana touches his chest and Grey is on her like a hawk, removing her hand. "Don't" he murmurs. Ana whisper-asks why he doesn't like to be touched as she stares into his GRAY! eyes.
He replies: Because I'm fifty shades of fucked up.
Lorraine: I’ve never watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Well, I’ll annex: I once saw the first part of the pilot, “Welcome to the Hellmouth.” I got up to the line...
As promised (or threatened):
Previously: Ana graduates college but that doesn’t really matter. The big news is that Ana has finally agreed to be Grey’s submissive. Put that on your resume, girl. — Lorraine:...
The first few pages of this chapter gave me a really weird, uncomfortable, sex-ed class vibe. See, Ana's having this dream about being tied up to a bed. Grey is above her wielding a leather riding crop, trailing it along her body until he gets to her vagAna. A few flicks of it and Ana's orgasm is waking her up from her dream.
The weird part is that Ana is astounded. She's never had a wet dream before, and by goly, she didn't even know dreaming about sex was possible! I swear to you she thinks, "I didn't know I could dream sex."
The weird part is that Ana is astounded. She's never had a wet dream before, and by goly, she didn't even know dreaming about sex was possible! I swear to you she thinks, "I didn't know I could dream sex."
This book is the biggest slight of hand in the history of the world. Forget making an airplane disappear on my TV, or whatever. E.L. James just shat on paper and sold a millionties of books, right before your very eyes.
I'm sorry. I try not to open with so much meanness. I like to disguise my distaste with capslocks and diatribes on the evils of toothbrush sharing. It's just that we open this chapter with Ana forgetting about how uneasy the Sexy Times Contract made her, uh, YESTERDAY and is now worried that Grey won't have her at all. Pout.
I'm sorry. I try not to open with so much meanness. I like to disguise my distaste with capslocks and diatribes on the evils of toothbrush sharing. It's just that we open this chapter with Ana forgetting about how uneasy the Sexy Times Contract made her, uh, YESTERDAY and is now worried that Grey won't have her at all. Pout.
Previously: Suzanne visits from New York and accuses Mr. Creepy Collins of rape. Meanwhile, in New York, Jessica is actually almost raped. It was a very rape-y time in book...
Previously: It was too boring to even recap in a previously. — Lorraine: Ana is so distraught over what she’s found in the Sexy Times Contract that she decides to,...
Previously: I’m not really sure what happened to Nancy, but we used a lot of Twilight gifs. — Lorraine: Let’s get this out of the way early: never go on...
I've accused FSoG of being many, many, foul named things, but I do believe I have yet to label it "boring." Because E.L. James took her one woman quest to hit every facet of terrible very seriously, she's decided to interrupt the main action of the "plot" to include THE ENTIRE SEXY TIMES CONTRACT IN CHAPTER 11.
Just the entire damn thing.
I really would've loved to see EL's brainstorming process here.
Just the entire damn thing.
I really would've loved to see EL's brainstorming process here.
Lorraine: We made some changes. I guess we should lead off with a thousand thank yous to all of you for your patience as we made these changes. They’ll be...
Previously: Ana tries dressing up like a litte girl so maybe Grey won’t have sex with her but that doesn’t work. Grey doesn’t discriminate. So, they have sex some more....
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