Buffy is walking alone at night, but today we find her not in a graveyard, but on a sidewalk, looking over some information on rental properties. From Buffy we transition to a computer screen that has her image. Video surveillance. Jonathan is asleep in front of the computer until Warren squirts him with a water gun and berates him for sleeping on the job again.
Kirsti: Having recently destroyed a laptop by spilling water on the keyboard, I strongly recommend that Warren NOT use that method again in the future. Course, he's a fucking sociopath and probably has no fucks to give about his computers, so whatevs.
Just today, I was wasting time on Twitter, talking about how I would recap ALL THE THINGS if I could, when a Twitter friend joked with me not to forget to recap my recaps. BUT IT ISN'T A JOKE, FRIENDS, as dear Willie quickly reminded me. We are a couple of days into November, meaning it is indeed time to recap our recaps.
Sweeney: We're so meta like that.
Lor: Happy November! Happy NaNoWriMo to those brave souls who are participating this year (leave your profiles! Let's be friends!) and Happy No Shave November to those of you doing that. Never forget that Stalker Boyfriend came to us by way of a Movember ad. I mean that in the most encouraging way.
Sweeney: We're so meta like that.
Lor: Happy November! Happy NaNoWriMo to those brave souls who are participating this year (leave your profiles! Let's be friends!) and Happy No Shave November to those of you doing that. Never forget that Stalker Boyfriend came to us by way of a Movember ad. I mean that in the most encouraging way.
The girls are at Spencer's house, looking at the files Caleb has managed to decode. Hanna wants the Liars to stop using Caleb for help, because she doesn't want to involve him in their dramz. My feeling is, he's probably already involved, so you might as well use his magical wolfy hacking powers for good, right?
Sweeney: Definitely. Especially because it earns him more screen time, which really is a service to the greater good.
Sara: The file he's managed to decode is just the You Know You Wanna Kiss Me video, and the girls are like, SRSLY AGAIN because if this video gets any longer, it's going to be its own episode. But once we get to the end of it, the video cuts to a new location that we haven't seen before. Aria alerts us to it being Alison's bedroom, and we that Ian is setting this camera up in a secret place and WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. It only gets worse when Garrett and Blind!Jenna show up. They ask where New Jason is, and Ian tells them that weed + alcohol made him pass out.
Sweeney: Definitely. Especially because it earns him more screen time, which really is a service to the greater good.
Sara: The file he's managed to decode is just the You Know You Wanna Kiss Me video, and the girls are like, SRSLY AGAIN because if this video gets any longer, it's going to be its own episode. But once we get to the end of it, the video cuts to a new location that we haven't seen before. Aria alerts us to it being Alison's bedroom, and we that Ian is setting this camera up in a secret place and WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. It only gets worse when Garrett and Blind!Jenna show up. They ask where New Jason is, and Ian tells them that weed + alcohol made him pass out.
Today's episode begins with a flashback! We're at the Tam Estate, 11 years ago. Kid!Simon is sitting by the fireplace working on something while kid!River tries to play an elaborate role playing game with him. It is here that I do a double take because kid!Simon is none other than a young Zac Efron. LOLOLOLOL. I might giggle through this entire scene. (L: I'll have fingers crossed for a sudden musical number!) Hilarity aside, it's a very cute scene - kid!River is adorable and imaginative and kid!Simon is a pretty fantastic older brother. He sets aside his light-up tablet thing to engage/encourage kid!River further when she demonstrates her general brilliance by pointing out that his assignment (the problem itself, not his answer) is wrong. It's worth noting that her game is very us/them with "them" being the independents.
That point is driven home when their father enters. Zac Efron and his father chat about future technology and have a conversation that's sort of the equivalent of Zac Efron wanting his own, unfiltered internet account, but dad doesn't want him to have unfettered access to porn and other unsavory things. (He says it in Mandarin, btw, I'm assuming it was long-winded Mandarin for "porn and unsavory politics.") (L: He actually says, "heaven knows what." Heaven might not know, but Sweeney does! PORN AND UNSAVORY POLITICS.) Unfortunately, he was overruled by his wife who is OK with Zac Efron getting porn, anarchy, and The Real Housewives of the Outer Planets. (L: A+) Papa Tam adds, though, that Zac Efron had better use his "dedicated source box" to become a super genius doctor.
That point is driven home when their father enters. Zac Efron and his father chat about future technology and have a conversation that's sort of the equivalent of Zac Efron wanting his own, unfiltered internet account, but dad doesn't want him to have unfettered access to porn and other unsavory things. (He says it in Mandarin, btw, I'm assuming it was long-winded Mandarin for "porn and unsavory politics.") (L: He actually says, "heaven knows what." Heaven might not know, but Sweeney does! PORN AND UNSAVORY POLITICS.) Unfortunately, he was overruled by his wife who is OK with Zac Efron getting porn, anarchy, and The Real Housewives of the Outer Planets. (L: A+) Papa Tam adds, though, that Zac Efron had better use his "dedicated source box" to become a super genius doctor.
The episode begins with Wesley back to obsessing about the prophecy, which thanks to the earthquake happening as foretold by the hamburger, he's now sure is legit.
Kirsti: Would YOU doubt the word of a talking hamburger??
Lorraine: This is a trick question, I'm sure of it.
Kirsti: Would YOU doubt the word of a talking hamburger??
Lorraine: This is a trick question, I'm sure of it.
The episode begins with Willow telling Buffy how hideous something looks while lightning crackles. It's just their bridesmaids dresses that they're discussing. Willow is actually Best Man, though, which earns her some bonus terrible sleeve. Actually, it's sort of a nice analogy for the way bridesmaids dresses work -- your stupid dress highlights the special snowflake that is the bride. It figures, then, that the show's eponymous character would have the less stupid of the two dresses. Willow's thinking the traditional blood larva and burlap sounds less bad. No, Willow, it definitely doesn't.
Kirsti: Oh God, the dresses. They're SO AWFUL. Also, I've always thought that the tradition was "blood lava" because in non-US English, larva and lava are pronounced the same. I can't decide if it makes less sense or more sense now.
Kirsti: Oh God, the dresses. They're SO AWFUL. Also, I've always thought that the tradition was "blood lava" because in non-US English, larva and lava are pronounced the same. I can't decide if it makes less sense or more sense now.
With the third and final book now behind us, it's time to take one last, overarching look at just how stupid it really was, from the insane word counts produced by ELJ's limited grasp of the English language, to the nonsensical pacing in a book originally written as serialized fanfiction by someone without a proper understanding of "plot" or "reality."
Lorraine: We often marveled at how much bad E.L. James managed to stuff into her series, but because we spread our recaps out over so many weeks, we're afraid our readers lose sight of just how horrible this material really is.
Lorraine: We often marveled at how much bad E.L. James managed to stuff into her series, but because we spread our recaps out over so many weeks, we're afraid our readers lose sight of just how horrible this material really is.
Several times throughout our reading journey, we encountered people who assured us that the series got better in the third book. "Christian Grey changes," they told us, and we've since seen that sentiment often echoed amongst fans of the books.
Well. In case it wasn't abundantly clear during our seven month journey, the only way Grey really changes is that he gets worse. We're pointing that out here in a more succinct way. It's an asshole highlight reel, if you will. It'll be a handy link for you to share anytime you hear or see anyone claiming that this is the man of their dreams. Seriously, share this, and ask them to pick a favorite moment.
Ready?
Well. In case it wasn't abundantly clear during our seven month journey, the only way Grey really changes is that he gets worse. We're pointing that out here in a more succinct way. It's an asshole highlight reel, if you will. It'll be a handy link for you to share anytime you hear or see anyone claiming that this is the man of their dreams. Seriously, share this, and ask them to pick a favorite moment.
Ready?
The episode begins with Hanna still wet from her time in the lake, looking moodily into a fire. She has a blanket around her and Aria offers to make her soup. Emily says that while Hanna might not be able to talk, the police (LOL) are going to drag the lake. That's jumping to a pretty morbid conclusion, but I love when these girls support each other in times of trauma (which are always). Hanna's not buying the morbid conclusion because she can feel that he's out there.
Aria's stunned by the idea of Lucas helping A, because he doesn't seem that violent. This is when Hanna pipes up to out Lucas as destroyer of Ali's memorial.
Aria's stunned by the idea of Lucas helping A, because he doesn't seem that violent. This is when Hanna pipes up to out Lucas as destroyer of Ali's memorial.
We open at the Hyperion, where Wes is asleep on his desk. Gunn and Fred walk in, and Gunn gets things off to an early start by saying, "You gotta admire the loyalty." I don't think we've ever given away a gold star in the first line of an episode!
ANYWAY. Gunn's speech about how admirable Wes' dedication is takes a turn down "Wes needs a life" lane. Fred wonders aloud if Wes has found anything new about Connor, and starts to move the pages. This wakes Wes, and he gets a little panicky on account of that page that says "The father will kill the son." He asks what time it is, and that's Angel's cue to enter with Connor. Wes scrambles to pack up his papers before Angel asks if they want to see something cool - he's teaching Connor how to die.
ANYWAY. Gunn's speech about how admirable Wes' dedication is takes a turn down "Wes needs a life" lane. Fred wonders aloud if Wes has found anything new about Connor, and starts to move the pages. This wakes Wes, and he gets a little panicky on account of that page that says "The father will kill the son." He asks what time it is, and that's Angel's cue to enter with Connor. Wes scrambles to pack up his papers before Angel asks if they want to see something cool - he's teaching Connor how to die.
We open at the Doublemeat Palace. Buffy is scraping a disgusting amount of brown sludge off the grill while another employee tells her that the key to working at the DMP is politics. He talks about Machiavelli, and when she thinks that's a guy who works day shift, he's all "OH RIGHT. COLLEGE DROPOUT." Buffy says that she's reapplying, and he's a condescending asshat. He leaves to head to night school - after mentioning that he's studying for an MBA so he doesn't have to work at the DMP forever - and tells her to scrape the gum under the tables before she leaves.
Cut to the cemetery. Buffy wanders through the gravestones singing the DMP jingle and wondering why she can't get it out of her head.
Cut to the cemetery. Buffy wanders through the gravestones singing the DMP jingle and wondering why she can't get it out of her head.
We open at a bar that's a generic, dusty, space, future bar. (S: Ah, yes, just your typical "dusty, space, future bar.") Jayne is drinking out of what looks like a small soup pot and he and Mal are playing pool with some fellas we don't know. The poll balls fritz out for a second and they all complain about it loudly. The guy at the bar points to a sign that says, "management not responsible for ball failure." It's fantastic that they have real tables and cues but holographic pool balls because this is space and the future, people. Things have changed.
Sweeney: I wonder if that was just a random grab bag thing.
Sweeney: I wonder if that was just a random grab bag thing.
We start the episode immediately after the last, with Angel "checking up on the baby," but really running away from the Groo and Cordy show. Angel says that he remembers Groo being taller. Lorne gamely plays along and says that once Cordy gets him home, she'll just pop Groo in a drawer. Angel focuses on the "take him home," part and says it's a good thing, because that means Groo won't be using the Brooding Hotel as a hotel.
Lorne asks Angel if he's okay with Cordy taking Groo home, and Angel says he totally is. Lorne sniffs Angel's jacket and asks why Cordelia's perfume is all over it then. Angel says that magic (actual magic and not like feelings magic) brought them together, but that clearly it didn't mean anything
Lorne asks Angel if he's okay with Cordy taking Groo home, and Angel says he totally is. Lorne sniffs Angel's jacket and asks why Cordelia's perfume is all over it then. Angel says that magic (actual magic and not like feelings magic) brought them together, but that clearly it didn't mean anything
Buffy is packing up a Slayer Bag-o-Tricks as she fills us in by way of conversation with Dawn that she's running out mid-dinner to go track down some non-vampire beastie. Dawn is gamely saying everything is fine, but her tight smile and stiff body language say otherwise. Dawn says that perhaps they can set-up for Buffy's birthday trauma party the next day when she gets back, but B tells her not to wait up.I wonder how she got word of this baddie, mid-dinner. Bat signal? Also, no, I do not like this flippy hair thing.
Kirsti: Me neither. I was on board with it when she cut it short, but now it just keeps getting more and more flippy, and I think we need to hold an intervention... Also, BRB, HAVING DAWN FEELS.
Kirsti: Me neither. I was on board with it when she cut it short, but now it just keeps getting more and more flippy, and I think we need to hold an intervention... Also, BRB, HAVING DAWN FEELS.
The actual, official previouslies remind us that the Liars are now in possession of A's cell phone, which happened completely by accident, despite their semi-elaborate plan. We start this episode with the Liars heading back into the Greenhouse of Secrets, all of them all kind of running around like headless chickens. They look for the box New Jason gave Aria while Spencer announces that the cell phone is locked.
Emily wonders where they all were while she almost had her face troweled off. Aria explains that she dropped a bomb at home and was sent to her room. Spencer says Toby cornered her and Hanna blurts out that Kate is moving to Rosewood. That's the piece of news that gets the biggest reaction out of the Liars, because priorities.
Emily wonders where they all were while she almost had her face troweled off. Aria explains that she dropped a bomb at home and was sent to her room. Spencer says Toby cornered her and Hanna blurts out that Kate is moving to Rosewood. That's the piece of news that gets the biggest reaction out of the Liars, because priorities.
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