We open with Wesley looking at a sketch in a book of a demon lady with six boobs as he talks about how lovely it is. We pan up and as he starts talking about her eyes it's clear that he really means Fred. Cordelia tries to get him back on track as she confirms that the demon in the picture is, in fact, the one from her vision. Then she encourages Wesley to ask Fred out so that he can stop being so moony. He's precious when he asks Cordelia if he is, "very boring on the subject."
Cordelia is also kind of awesome when she teases him about how he used to think she was extraordinary and he takes the bait. She tells him to calm down and makes a snarky comment that implies that Phantom Dennis gets her off with a loofah.
The episode begins with Spuffy sex, because the Number Gods hate me. They "missed the bed" (K: And ended up UNDER a rug?!) (L: METAPHOR.), which Spike thinks is lucky for the bed. Buffy says he's done a great job with the crypt decorating, and Spike realizes that they're having an actual conversation. They then congratulate each other on their sex skillz but Buffy shuts that down when he calls her an animal. He asks her what this is to her, and if she even likes him. Sometimes. He holds up some handcuffs and asks if she trusts him. "Never."
In Trio's New Basement of Misogyny & Failure, Jonathan and Andrew are bickering while Warren works on something evil.
In Trio's New Basement of Misogyny & Failure, Jonathan and Andrew are bickering while Warren works on something evil.
I'm going to try very hard not to get angry during this epilogue because (1) - We have a whole week's worth of series ending posts to get through and I probably have to ration my anger. You know, plan this wisely and avoid an ulcer or drowning my liver or whatever and (2) - THIS IS THE END, FOR REAL. These are the last words to read, EVER. This is really a celebration, so HAPPY EPILOGUE, EVERYONE!
Sweeney: HAPPY EPILOGUE TO YOU TOO, LOR!
Sweeney: HAPPY EPILOGUE TO YOU TOO, LOR!
After a repeat of the long this-is-the-show-you're-watching narration, we are aboard Serenity. Most of the crew are playing a game that's kind of like basketball and would look really fun if group sports didn't terrify the elementary school nerd inside me. They're having so much fun, and it's giving me happy feels, so I'm going to go ahead and prepare myself for something terrible happening. See: Joss Whedon Ruins Lives.
Sweeney: It's such a stressful watching experience. Happy feels are experienced and immediately followed with anxiety and despair because you know that happy feels can't be trusted.
Sweeney: It's such a stressful watching experience. Happy feels are experienced and immediately followed with anxiety and despair because you know that happy feels can't be trusted.
Little girls are jumping rope, which is always creepy, but this time it's even creepier because they're singing a song while they play: "Pretty Little Liars, all by yourself. Sneak to the park, dig in the dark, telling little lies to make their mark." Ugh, children singing is always the worst. If I ever have children, I will not allow them to creepy sing in groups like that.
Lorraine: Oh, gosh, definitely not. They will also not be allowed to swing on swing sets really slowly or ask anyone if they are his or her mommy. Gotta set ground rules, you know?
Sweeney: Our fear of having creepy children is sort of a sub-theme for this week in Rosewood.
Lorraine: Oh, gosh, definitely not. They will also not be allowed to swing on swing sets really slowly or ask anyone if they are his or her mommy. Gotta set ground rules, you know?
Sweeney: Our fear of having creepy children is sort of a sub-theme for this week in Rosewood.
We open with Angel loading small change into a piggy bank as Cordy holds the baby and eye rolls. Fred asks how the fund for Connor's future is going, and Angel informs her that he found a perfectly good $1.83 in the sofa cushions. He puts the piggy bank into the safe behind Wes' desk, and heads over to look at what Fred's doing on the computer. She's designing a new website for Angel Investigations. He issues some demands - make something bigger, bolder and more tasteful - and then walks away. She sasses a little behind his back.
Sweeney: I know that feel, Fred. I know that feel.
Sweeney: I know that feel, Fred. I know that feel.
We open in the living room at Chez Summers. Willow is filling Xander and Anya in on the Trio. There's another, "who the fuck is Andrew?" line before Xander asks if they should go over and beat up the Trio given that they know where they live and all. Willow informs him that Buffy already tried, but that the Trio had cleared out of the basement. They left a bunch of stuff behind though, and Buffy pilfered some of it.
Willow fangirls for a moment over the idea of spellbooks and charmed objects before Xander gives her a look. Anya, meanwhile, wants to know where Buffy is because she's going to be late for her first day.
Willow fangirls for a moment over the idea of spellbooks and charmed objects before Xander gives her a look. Anya, meanwhile, wants to know where Buffy is because she's going to be late for her first day.
It's the last fucking chapter and I'm supposed to celebrate, but it's also my last opportunity to make sure you understand that ELJ has the worst chapter transitions ever. (And the worst everything ever, but one step at a time, OK?) The only occasions on which Ana doesn't begin the chapter waking up are those that we begin immediately after the end of the last chapter, in a place where a chapter break makes zero sense. This is of the latter variety.
A consistent feature of both chapter beginnings -- and also all the time always -- is Ana asking a lot of really pointless questions. I spend a lot of time in my own head so I'm not one to judge the idea of a very active inner monologue. But what if my inner monologue consisted only of questions?
A consistent feature of both chapter beginnings -- and also all the time always -- is Ana asking a lot of really pointless questions. I spend a lot of time in my own head so I'm not one to judge the idea of a very active inner monologue. But what if my inner monologue consisted only of questions?
This story begins with a dewy Instagram filter as Alison narrates a ghost story about twin little girls. Hanna cuts her off, telling her that she's going to traumatize this child and cause her to get fired. LOL, Hanna, you're a thousand times more responsible than any adult in Rosewood, so don't worry about it. The kid nods for Ali to continue. One twin murders the other and Ali's narration voice gets extra #creepyasshit and the story culminates with her stabbing the Jack-O-Lantern, because Ali was batshit crazy.
Lorraine: The thing that bothered me the most about this creepy story was the way those two girls were playing with their Barbies, just shaking them around. That's when I knew they were evil.
Lorraine: The thing that bothered me the most about this creepy story was the way those two girls were playing with their Barbies, just shaking them around. That's when I knew they were evil.
We start with a tight shot of Cordelia's face. She's giving a heart-felt, "thank you for being there for me" speech that makes her a little teary. She ends with, "to all my fans- this is for you!" as the shot widens and we see she's holding up a scrub brush and wearing rubber gloves. Fred gives her an equally gloved round of applause, saying the speech gave her "chill bumps." I've never heard them called chill bumps. Is that a thing?
Kirsti: Only in Fred-land.
Lor: Just checking.
Kirsti: Only in Fred-land.
Lor: Just checking.
Here's a confession: Buffy is currently super depressing and weird so I haven't exactly been looking forward to spending 2-3 hours with an episode. Alas. The only way to get on the other side of season 6 is to do the damn thing, so here we go. But first, here, an adorable puppy gif. Have warm feelings:
Sweeney: That's so amazing and precious and I hope you have plans to do this again at the end because that's when I tend to feel most in need of a cute animal gif.
K: A+ and 1430, Lor. Puppies make everything better.
Sweeney: That's so amazing and precious and I hope you have plans to do this again at the end because that's when I tend to feel most in need of a cute animal gif.
K: A+ and 1430, Lor. Puppies make everything better.
We start the episode in not-space. I mean, probably not Earth, either, but not outer space. I'm already really stressed about trying to describe what's happening in this show because I have no idea what details are important.
Lorraine: That is totally the burden of a blogging Snow. I mean, I know you remember recapping Game of Thrones and being all, "some side character I won't even name blinks," and having it turn out to be a BFD character by end of season. Sigh.
Sweeney: And that show had so many! I trust that finite episodes and the fact that we're in space means I won't have it nearly so bad.
Lorraine: That is totally the burden of a blogging Snow. I mean, I know you remember recapping Game of Thrones and being all, "some side character I won't even name blinks," and having it turn out to be a BFD character by end of season. Sigh.
Sweeney: And that show had so many! I trust that finite episodes and the fact that we're in space means I won't have it nearly so bad.
Spencer, Hanna and Aria sit in a police interrogation room, arms and faces covered in dirty. On the other side of the one way glass, some officer is telling a shadowy detective that the girls haven't said a word since they were brought in. The Zoomy Cameraman focuses on Detective Mystery's mouth so we can watch it smirk at the thought of securing his own promotion by destroying the lives of three girls.
It comes as no real shock that this is Detective Wilden, last seen being the stupidest detective of all time, taking advantage of Mama Marin's vagina and also getting a verbal SMACKDOWN from Mariska Mom.
It comes as no real shock that this is Detective Wilden, last seen being the stupidest detective of all time, taking advantage of Mama Marin's vagina and also getting a verbal SMACKDOWN from Mariska Mom.
The gang returns to the hotel immediately after the end of the last one and Cordelia is talking about making minor changes for the baby but stops short when she sees the carnage from the battle.
Kirsti: Cordy, honey. The baby is like half an hour old. You probably don't need to worry about covering the outlets JUST yet.
Lorraine: But cleaning up the blood is generally good life idea.
Kirsti: Cordy, honey. The baby is like half an hour old. You probably don't need to worry about covering the outlets JUST yet.
Lorraine: But cleaning up the blood is generally good life idea.
Tara and Dawn wake up on the couch, having fallen asleep watching TV. Tara quickly realizes that it's weird that nobody (neither Buffy nor Willow) came home and woke them up. They check the bedrooms (K: And I laugh forever because 20 year olds who make their beds that perfectly? OH, PLEASE.) and Dawn's worried when she realizes that neither one is home. Tara says they probably just lost track of time. Segue over to Buffy waking up naked in the trashed building with Spike. She panics and asks Spike when the building fell down. He's not really sure, because of all the sex.
Wolf howl. (FUCK, I FORGOT TO ASK LORRAINE TO DO THE WOLF HOWL IN DALLAS.)
Wolf howl. (FUCK, I FORGOT TO ASK LORRAINE TO DO THE WOLF HOWL IN DALLAS.)
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