We get a good, old fashioned misdirection opening today, this time with a big pointy sword in Wesley's face. I'm happy to report that his hair is deflating, but unfortunately it is still not at acceptable levels.
Sweeney: I wonder if his Puff Level will prove comparable to John Green's as an indicator of stress level?
Kirsti: We can but hope, Sweeney.
Lor: Cordy is holding the sword. They banter about running through inventory, because Angel has been complaining about the weapons cabinet.
Buffy gets home with a bucket of fried chicken, only to find that Willow, Tara, Giles and Dawn are already having dinner. It's says a lot about how not-okay things are that this makes everyone super uncomfortable. Giles even says they haven't eaten, even though we can totally see the food. Buffy assures everyone that it's okay, but they all make a big show of really wanting Buffy's chicken.
Kirsti: Oh, Giles. Don't ever change. Also, this scene made me realise that we're only just at the beginning of Buffy's attempts at bringing things home for dinner, and now I has the sads.
Sweeney: THANKS, KIRSTI. NOW I DO TOO.
Kirsti: Oh, Giles. Don't ever change. Also, this scene made me realise that we're only just at the beginning of Buffy's attempts at bringing things home for dinner, and now I has the sads.
Sweeney: THANKS, KIRSTI. NOW I DO TOO.
The PLLs are sitting at lunch, looking at a copy of the note they found next to Dead Ian, because Hanna was smart enough to snap a picture of it before they called the cops. They question whether it's a suicide note or a confession, and Emily wonders why Ian would kill himself right before running off with Melissa. And then I wonder wtf is wrong with Emily, because she literally just saw him murdered by that bell tower not that long ago, so she has to know this is another A setup, right?
Lorraine: YOU WOULD THINK. No one is even questioning how fucking impossible it is that he was alive enough to kill himself.
Lorraine: YOU WOULD THINK. No one is even questioning how fucking impossible it is that he was alive enough to kill himself.
The episode begins with everyone sitting in the lobby quietly and jumping when Fred enters. Fred looks over Cordelia's shoulder at her magazine and having starved in a cave for five years, is confused by the starved-looking models. She's also just generally lurking and even though it's just a beauty magazine it still gives me, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BUBBLE WHEN I'M READING," feelings just watching. (K: Agreed. My mum does it all the time and it makes me squicky.) She mentions that Angel is probably reading, which is his cut to enternouncequestion if anyone else has read this great thing in the paper. Said great thing is a Charlton Heston double feature which nobody else gives any fucks about, but I'm going to go ahead and declare shots for the Angel/art OTP. I'm reaching a little here, but I don't care.
We begin the episode in the Summers Basement, an ominous sounds warn us of Buffy's foe...which turns out to be a leaky water pipe. Dawn suggests calling a plumber, which Buffy declines. Naturally, the pipes explode in a rather comic book fashion.
Kirsti: Oh, Buff. Don't use Slayer Strength on the pipes, honey. It was bound to end badly.
Lorraine: Pipes and ice cream machines, remember?
Sweeney: Indeed, though I wasn't a big fan of the ice cream machine bit. This silliness feels strange but also welcome. Don't worry, the show will cut that out soon enough. Roll credits.
Kirsti: Oh, Buff. Don't use Slayer Strength on the pipes, honey. It was bound to end badly.
Lorraine: Pipes and ice cream machines, remember?
Sweeney: Indeed, though I wasn't a big fan of the ice cream machine bit. This silliness feels strange but also welcome. Don't worry, the show will cut that out soon enough. Roll credits.
It's time for a super epic DESTINY'S CHILD DANCE PARTY. Why? It's Lorraine's birthday! I know you all have important things to do with your lives or whatever. LOLJK. I actually know that you all come here to avoid ever doing important things with your lives. Or because having Destiny's Child Dance Parties with us is basically the most important and best and most awesome way you could possibly spend your time. Any of these things.
Since Lorraine is one of my favorite human beings on this planet or any other that I am aware of, and because without her my favorite thing on the whole internet would not exist, she gets an entire celebratory post and you should join the fun.
Since Lorraine is one of my favorite human beings on this planet or any other that I am aware of, and because without her my favorite thing on the whole internet would not exist, she gets an entire celebratory post and you should join the fun.
Ana is in total shock because apparently, if you are having sex, YOU CAN GET PREGNANT. Ana thinks about how much she doesn't want a baby and how she knows her husband is going to freak.
Dr. Best in Seattle says, "judging by your reaction, I suspect you're just a couple of weeks or so from conception-- four or five weeks pregnant." UM. WHAT? RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN. Because she was shocked, your super doctor skillz tell you she's four or five weeks pregnant? Shock is a measure of such things? Clearly, Dr. Best doesn't watch any TV.
Dr. Best in Seattle says, "judging by your reaction, I suspect you're just a couple of weeks or so from conception-- four or five weeks pregnant." UM. WHAT? RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN. Because she was shocked, your super doctor skillz tell you she's four or five weeks pregnant? Shock is a measure of such things? Clearly, Dr. Best doesn't watch any TV.
We open at Lorne's bar with Angel apologising sincerely to someone off camera - he used them and he feels really bad about it. Said off camera person turns out to be Merl the snitch, who doesn't believe Angel's apology on account of he's reading it from a piece of paper.Merl doesn't feel like it's sincere enough, and Angel eye-rolls at the Fang Gang who are still sporting completely terrible hair. Cordy pulls Merl aside for a pep talk while Wes does the same for Angel. Angel eventually offers Merl a free shot at him, and then taunts him until he throws a bottle. At which point Merl gets hurled back by some kind of force field. Angel tries to keep a straight face while Lorne makes the sarcastic excuse that Angel must have "forgotten" that demon violence is impossible in his bar.
We start immediately after the conclusion of Bargaining. The Scoobies head out of the alley where they killed the Lame-o Biker Demon, with Willow saying that Buffy has to be back at Chez Summers. Xander claims to know a shortcut through the alleys, but Anya's less than convinced about how safe it is on account of half the town being on fire. Just as Xander's in the middle of a speech about how he's got wikkid skillz, a bunch of Lame-o Bikers appear behind them and blaze past on their way out of town, causing Xander to mildly wet his pants. Contrivancely, the Lame-o Bikers are all spontaneously aware that their leader is dead and are running for the hills. Okay, show. Whatever.
Sweeney: I'm glad they are being eliminated as hastily as they were introduced.
Sweeney: I'm glad they are being eliminated as hastily as they were introduced.
Spencer goes back to the pawn shop to get Melissa's wedding ring. The shop owner is surprised to see her. We pan out of the shop and see that Emily, Aria and Hanna are waiting for their friend out in the skeevy alley, prepared to give us the Early Episode Exposition: Dr. Ex-Fiance Wren gave Melissa something unidentified last episode and Emily got a fake scholarship letter from A.
Back inside the pawn shop, the owner hands Spencer back a horseshoe. Spencer freaks out and says she gave him a ring, though he plays dumb and says not according to her ticket. Spencer demands that he find her ring, and he hits her with a, "or what? You gonna call the police?"
Back inside the pawn shop, the owner hands Spencer back a horseshoe. Spencer freaks out and says she gave him a ring, though he plays dumb and says not according to her ticket. Spencer demands that he find her ring, and he hits her with a, "or what? You gonna call the police?"
Wesley and his weird hair (I can't get over it) are eating take out with Gunn. We catch them mid-conversation and Wesley is saying they need to be more mindful of something. Just then, Cordelia strides in and they great her with just a touch too much enthusiasm. She doesn't spare them a glance. Gunn asks Wesley how he preformed and Wes thinks they came off pretty genuine. From somewhere behind them, we hear Fred say, "B+, C-. A girl can tell." She's sitting under a desk eating her take-out, so, you know. Progress.
Sweeney: FRED IS PRECIOUS.
Sweeney: FRED IS PRECIOUS.
Buffybot is surrounded by the Lame-O Biker Demons. She babbles about a total systems failure, and how she has to get back to Willow for repairs. One of the Lame-Os knocks her down with a chain.
In the woods, Tara and Anya have found Xander and a passed out Willow. Xander thinks the Biker Demons won't bother them in the woods, but Anya isn't convinced. Xander adjusts his plan to "split up and meet at the Magic Box." He's stay with Willow, since he can carry her. Anya asks about the Buffybot, but Xander proclaims it a loss. The gang all take off running.
We cut back to the cemetery, and in a shot through one of the spokes of a motorcycle wheel, we see the Lame-Os taking great pleasure in repeatedly kicking the Buffybot. I have robot feels.
In the woods, Tara and Anya have found Xander and a passed out Willow. Xander thinks the Biker Demons won't bother them in the woods, but Anya isn't convinced. Xander adjusts his plan to "split up and meet at the Magic Box." He's stay with Willow, since he can carry her. Anya asks about the Buffybot, but Xander proclaims it a loss. The gang all take off running.
We cut back to the cemetery, and in a shot through one of the spokes of a motorcycle wheel, we see the Lame-Os taking great pleasure in repeatedly kicking the Buffybot. I have robot feels.
The chapter begins with some stuff that's meant to be sweet, but when you realize that it's mommy porn, it's more awkward. Ana is excited that her "daddy" is awake and he calls her "Annie" and whatnot. He doesn't seem to remember the accident and asks for some water, specifically, but I think he really wants a drink. I do too, because rather than staying there with her father, we cut immediately to Ana running out to the waiting room to tell Christian Grey that he's awake. Because obviously. "What do I do now? IDK, better go tell that infected scrotum I call my husband."
The infected scrotum is all, "Great. He's awake."
The infected scrotum is all, "Great. He's awake."
Chances are, dearest of Traumateers, that you've heard the news. No, not about Syria. No, not about that guy sentenced to 1,000 years in prison. No, not about that school stabbing. No, not about Miley Cyrus. FOCUS.
We're clearly talking about Fifty Shades casting news! I know, I know. If you're like us, you've been ignoring the early news about this movie, hoping that someone, somewhere would wisen up and realize there is no actual way you can film a tampon scene. Rumors swirled, Brett Easton Ellis plugged for his own involvement, a director was chosen, and still we hoped against hope that it was all a joke.
We're clearly talking about Fifty Shades casting news! I know, I know. If you're like us, you've been ignoring the early news about this movie, hoping that someone, somewhere would wisen up and realize there is no actual way you can film a tampon scene. Rumors swirled, Brett Easton Ellis plugged for his own involvement, a director was chosen, and still we hoped against hope that it was all a joke.
The previouslies remind us of Wren, so I guess we'll be seeing him, and I don't like it because SPOBY 4EVA.
Lorraine: I suddenly feel like we need #teamageappropriatelove on a t-shirt.
Sweeney: ABSOLUTELY. I would wear the shirt all the time.
Anyway, the girls are in a movie theater, apparently alone, watching an old black and white movie, recapping Spencer's theory that Melissa is sneaking out to visit Ian on foot, and probably at Jason's. Spencer spots someone in a black hoodie in the back of the theater, but when the other girls turn around, (s)he's gone.
Lorraine: I suddenly feel like we need #teamageappropriatelove on a t-shirt.
Sweeney: ABSOLUTELY. I would wear the shirt all the time.
Anyway, the girls are in a movie theater, apparently alone, watching an old black and white movie, recapping Spencer's theory that Melissa is sneaking out to visit Ian on foot, and probably at Jason's. Spencer spots someone in a black hoodie in the back of the theater, but when the other girls turn around, (s)he's gone.
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