K: We open in an alley. A bag drops into frame, followed by a man. He starts to walk away, but there's a short blonde woman standing the shadows. He runs, and she chases him down, eventually delivering a spectacular fly kick when he tries to get in a car. The camera pans out, and the woman is Kate. She roughs him up a little and then arrests him. Cut to the police station. Kate's trying to get Crook Man to spill the beans on where a certain Mob boss type is, but he's not spilling. Eventually she snaps and pins him against the wall with an arm across his throat.
S: A commenter pointed out that Kate is sort of a Buffy-like placeholder.
Kirsti: The alternative post title for this episode is "In which Team Heartless Cow curls up in the Corner of Endless Tears", but that was too long to fit...
Sweeney: I've already made room for you on the couch.
K: THANK YOU, SWEENEY <3 We open on the campus at night. In typical Contrivance U fashion, there are people everywhere, unlike every single time Buffy fights a demon/vampire. Speak of the devil, Buffy sprints through the background with a vampire hot on her tail. And in typical Contrivance U fashion, NO ONE NOTICES.
Sweeney: I've already made room for you on the couch.
K: THANK YOU, SWEENEY <3 We open on the campus at night. In typical Contrivance U fashion, there are people everywhere, unlike every single time Buffy fights a demon/vampire. Speak of the devil, Buffy sprints through the background with a vampire hot on her tail. And in typical Contrivance U fashion, NO ONE NOTICES.
Sweeney: Christian Grey's MAGICAL birthday continues. I'm drafting this early because the actual post date is too close to my own birthday and I don't intend to celebrate with Christian Grey's butt plug.
Speaking of, someone mentioned last week that Ana's failures now extend to gift giving, as Grey's presents were mostly his own stuff. Good job, Ana!
Lorraine: I was going to make a joke about giving you your own stuff for your birthday, but butt plugs are too close to this joke and I don't want to make it awkward. Maybe I just did.
Speaking of, someone mentioned last week that Ana's failures now extend to gift giving, as Grey's presents were mostly his own stuff. Good job, Ana!
Lorraine: I was going to make a joke about giving you your own stuff for your birthday, but butt plugs are too close to this joke and I don't want to make it awkward. Maybe I just did.
Lorraine: I was expecting the credits to roll first, but we get a pre-credits teaser today! Against a black screen we hear some war sounds -metal clanging, screaming and general death-sounds. We stylistically fade into the white misery of north of the wall where Samwell is running through the snow with all the speed and grace of someone who is about to get eaten very soon.
Sweeney: I was totally surprised to find him still alive! I assumed he was dead after that finale. I can't say that I care all that much that either way, but it was unexpected.
Sweeney: I was totally surprised to find him still alive! I assumed he was dead after that finale. I can't say that I care all that much that either way, but it was unexpected.
Lorraine: Cordelia is giving Doyle a little taste of her audition for a commercial. She does as well as you would imagine. The phone rings and he wonders if she's going to pick that up, and Angel wanders in to wonder the same thing. Angel as a boss makes me giggle.
Sweeney: It doesn't suit him particularly well....
K: Truth. Also, the idea of Cordy starring in an advert for garbage bags is rather hilarious.
Lor: Cordelia scurries over, but by that point, the answering machine has it. It's someone named Aura who's calling to check in on Cordy.
Sweeney: It doesn't suit him particularly well....
K: Truth. Also, the idea of Cordy starring in an advert for garbage bags is rather hilarious.
Lor: Cordelia scurries over, but by that point, the answering machine has it. It's someone named Aura who's calling to check in on Cordy.
Lorraine: I'm not really sure how you introduce this episode, Whedon's take on a public service announcement, but probably with an invitation for you all to grab a beer.
We open at the graveyard and after a second of silence, we see that Buffy is currently in the middle of kicking some vampire butt, but is momentarily distracted by Poop Head Parker, on the ground, softly calling out to her.
She instructs him to stay down and the fight sequence continues with a very cool running kick, in which she uses the side of a gravestone to propel herself.
We open at the graveyard and after a second of silence, we see that Buffy is currently in the middle of kicking some vampire butt, but is momentarily distracted by Poop Head Parker, on the ground, softly calling out to her.
She instructs him to stay down and the fight sequence continues with a very cool running kick, in which she uses the side of a gravestone to propel herself.
Sweeney: First, happy Easter if you celebrate. Happy Colorful Chocolate Day to everyone else. Enjoy.
Lorraine: "Enjoy." Now forever said with a Cersei-like bow and offering of wine.
Sweeney: Obviously.
Second, it seems like there is less to say by way of introduction to this newsletter-esque post this month. We still have a thousand big exciting plans brewing, but we have started to really find a rhythm that works for us here at our digital Snark HQ.
Lorraine: "Enjoy." Now forever said with a Cersei-like bow and offering of wine.
Sweeney: Obviously.
Second, it seems like there is less to say by way of introduction to this newsletter-esque post this month. We still have a thousand big exciting plans brewing, but we have started to really find a rhythm that works for us here at our digital Snark HQ.
Sweeney: The credits thing was a great ruse. We got new places as places were added, and then shit stayed the same, so I'm done acknowledging this. After the epic-but-not-revealing credits, we see an eyeball waking up and faint sounds of battle noises. This is Tyrion and his first sight is Pycelle, who you will recall is no great fan of Tyrion's, having be imprisoned by him. Pycelle fills Tyrion in on the fact that Tywin gets full credit for the victory and now Tyrion isn't hand of the king. He tosses a coin at Tyrion, a reminder of when Tyrion burst in on him.
Lorraine: Here's to hoping Tyrion takes all those ungrateful little shits down.
Lorraine: Here's to hoping Tyrion takes all those ungrateful little shits down.
Sweeney: The episode starts with Cordelia lamenting all the bills associated with running their business, which is a problem, since Angel isn't really big on collecting payment, as it interferes with being the hero. Doyle agrees that money would be good, but mostly because Cordelia thinks so.
Kirsti: Aww. Bless.
Lorraine: Doyle is hitting on Cordelia in this scene big time, but I spend most of it noticing his beautiful eyes. He looks yummy here. Okay, carry on.
Kirsti: Aww. Bless.
Lorraine: Doyle is hitting on Cordelia in this scene big time, but I spend most of it noticing his beautiful eyes. He looks yummy here. Okay, carry on.
Sweeney: Halloween! Huzzah! This isn't the best Halloween episode of the series, but it's one of the few watchable episodes in this abysmal season, something I am going to complain about at the beginning of every single post so get used to it.
K: I'm going to argue that it IS the best Halloween episode of the series, because we've already established that Soldier Xander annoys the crap out of me, and the Halloween episode in season 6 is kind of lame. But that might just be because I like to be contrary.
Sweeney: I can't even fault that episode for giving us soldier Xander; I LOVE IT SO MUCH.
K: I'm going to argue that it IS the best Halloween episode of the series, because we've already established that Soldier Xander annoys the crap out of me, and the Halloween episode in season 6 is kind of lame. But that might just be because I like to be contrary.
Sweeney: I can't even fault that episode for giving us soldier Xander; I LOVE IT SO MUCH.
Last week I started to write Sweeney an email yelling at her for having the luck of getting to cover the super short chapter 19. Sure, we found out that Grey wasn't dead and sure, Ana accepted his proposal, but then the chapter ended and now I'm stuck with the inevitable "let's get married" sex. As it happens, though, I believe next week's chapter- a Sweeney chapter- is the return to the playroom. You'll forgive me for that spoiler because: LOL.
Sweeney: You're the actual worst. I'm glad I began my search for a new BFF in yesterday's GoT post.
Sweeney: You're the actual worst. I'm glad I began my search for a new BFF in yesterday's GoT post.
Two things before we start: (1) The last few episodes have been stressing me out big time. (2) I'M SO EXCITED.
I know these seem like contradicting emotions and they pretty much are, because it's hard being me. But mostly, I'm stressed out for the finale and wars and people dying and shit, but excited because these posts have become a countdown for me and I can't wait to start watching/posting real time. I bet you guys are going to be the best TV watching buddies ever.
Sweeney: We blog because we want TV watching buddies.
Lor: Obviously.
Nothing new to report in the opening credits as we will be in or around King's Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, The Wall, and Qarth.
Sweeney: We blog because we want TV watching buddies.
Lor: Obviously.
Nothing new to report in the opening credits as we will be in or around King's Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, The Wall, and Qarth.
We open with a hippy looking girl running down a dark alley. She hides in a doorway, then peeks out. When no one's there, she tries to run for it, but the guy she's running from is behind her. He's kinda insane and sweaty - the best kind of boyfriend, right? WRONG. He hits her and then pulls a gun. He's about to pull the trigger when Angel appears out of nowhere and grabs his arm. They fight briefly, and Angel knocks the guy out. He asks the girl if she's okay, and we learn that she hired him to help before the camera pans to a nearby rooftop. Spike's there, and I'm going to give you his full impersonation because it's AWESOME:
I have a love/hate relationship with this episode. Because it's kind of awesome. But there's also a crapton of douchey nonsense that pisses me off. So...yeah.
We open at the Bronze. Oh, trusty Bronze. At least something around here is still the same... Also the same? Dingoes Ate My Baby are playing and Willow's doing her proud face over Oz's musical abilities.
Lor: Also, Devon is wearing a belly-shirt with the US flag on it. Oh, trusty horrible fashion. You too are still the same.
Sweeney: And we're so glad for it! I would be so lost and confused without it.
K: So true.
We open at the Bronze. Oh, trusty Bronze. At least something around here is still the same... Also the same? Dingoes Ate My Baby are playing and Willow's doing her proud face over Oz's musical abilities.
Lor: Also, Devon is wearing a belly-shirt with the US flag on it. Oh, trusty horrible fashion. You too are still the same.
Sweeney: And we're so glad for it! I would be so lost and confused without it.
K: So true.
Sweeney: After the zoomy camera lied to us yesterday, I trust nothing, but there's a chance we'll be visiting King's Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, The Wall, and/or Qarth. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE.
Lorraine: Watching TV is hard.
Sweeney: So many struggles.
We're starting in Winterfell, where a bunch of ravens are being killed and Theon opens the gates for riders approaching, letting in Yara, who is not accompanied by the 500 men he asked for. Inside, she takes over with the gaggle of men she did bring. They eat and she mocks him for being a douche, proclaiming himself a warrior for defeating a cripple and a six-year-old.
Lorraine: Watching TV is hard.
Sweeney: So many struggles.
We're starting in Winterfell, where a bunch of ravens are being killed and Theon opens the gates for riders approaching, letting in Yara, who is not accompanied by the 500 men he asked for. Inside, she takes over with the gaggle of men she did bring. They eat and she mocks him for being a douche, proclaiming himself a warrior for defeating a cripple and a six-year-old.
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