We start off in the asylum on a stormy night with Mona doing some creepy singing about teddy bears having their picnic today. (Pretty singing, though! Do we have a pretty+creepy word in our creepcabulary? It could often be used to describe Mona.) She's painting a head. (YVONNE LEHEAD?) She draws a big red blob on the lips which are magically perfectly painted a hot second later. Continuity is for people with no imagination. Mona monologues about how she gets to do an art project for Halloween, even though they're not big on Halloween around those parts. She turns around and we see that she's talking to a hooded member of the A-Team (Toby?) as she continues about how much she loves Halloween. (You're making this awkward for me, Mona, because I also love the shit out of Halloween.)
Joss Whedon got his feature length film, and we're going to recap it, but fair warning that this post will be long.
The Universal Pictures logo becomes Earth. A voice over gives us the set-up, but it is not Mal, as we were accustomed to. It's a woman (S: Tamara Taylor from Bones!) with a slightly different version of events: Earth-That-Was could no longer sustain the ever growing population. People found a new solar system, terraformed the planets and moons to form new Earths. The central planets formed the Alliance. The savage, outer planets refused Alliance control, resulting in a devastating war. But the Alliance won and now everyone is happy!
The Universal Pictures logo becomes Earth. A voice over gives us the set-up, but it is not Mal, as we were accustomed to. It's a woman (S: Tamara Taylor from Bones!) with a slightly different version of events: Earth-That-Was could no longer sustain the ever growing population. People found a new solar system, terraformed the planets and moons to form new Earths. The central planets formed the Alliance. The savage, outer planets refused Alliance control, resulting in a devastating war. But the Alliance won and now everyone is happy!
A man pulls into his garage and cuts the car off. He starts to gather his stuff to get out, but looks confused when the garage door starts closing behind him. As he's turned around, staring at the garage door, the keys crank the car again and the automatic doors lock. (My dad brags about his manual locks all the time. Guess he wouldn't be in this situation, now would he?) (K: My dad's the same but with his refusal to get automatic garage doors. "If the power goes out, *I* can still leave!" Okay, Dad. Whatever.) Doomed To Die tries to turn the ignition off, but the keys are stuck and he starts to panic as the car and garage start to fill up with smoke.
Kirsti: Like, INSTANTLY.
Kirsti: Like, INSTANTLY.
We're at some sort of crime or accident scene, and watch as paramedics wheel a gurney into the back of ambulances. A crowd has gathered, and our fabulous and fashionable fibbers are there as well. Hanna is bawling as Aria and Spencer hold her up. A little ways away, Gossip Cop (at least I think it is. I may just be calling every cop who isn't Wilden Gossip Cop) (S: None of them do a whole lot of law officering, so probably accurate.) asks Emily if the deceased was their friend. Emily doesn't answer, and it's probably because Hanna's really loud gasp-crying is super distracting.
Sara: For real though, Hanna, tone it down. Shit.
Sara: For real though, Hanna, tone it down. Shit.
Before we start, I should mention that this week's episode involves racism and general race-related ickiness. If that makes you uncomfortable and you want to bug out while you can, I totally understand and we'll see you back here for some irresponsible parenting and psychic weirdness next week. YAY?
Cape Girardeau, Missouri. (A place I know only because Emily used to live there) A middle aged black guy is driving down Route 6 when his radio starts to get all static-y and weird. He shuts it off as headlights flare out the back window. A big-ass truck accelerates towards him. He speeds up to get away from it, but the truck accelerates again and smashes into the back of his car. Suddenly, the radio switches back on and he notices that the truck has vanished.
Cape Girardeau, Missouri. (A place I know only because Emily used to live there) A middle aged black guy is driving down Route 6 when his radio starts to get all static-y and weird. He shuts it off as headlights flare out the back window. A big-ass truck accelerates towards him. He speeds up to get away from it, but the truck accelerates again and smashes into the back of his car. Suddenly, the radio switches back on and he notices that the truck has vanished.
Dean and Sam are getting weapons out of the trunk of the Bromobile and saying that they only have one shot to make it count. (What it is, we have no idea.) They rush down some stairs and into a basement where they find two little kids cowering in a closet. When they ask the kids if it's still there, they nod. The boys try to send the kids out, but the Creature of the Moment pushes Sam down the stairs, like a real jerk. Dean tells Sam to get the kids out of there while he handles the Creature.
Kirsti: Excuse me while I have a lot of Dean protecting small children feels. Because OBVIOUSLY.
Kirsti: Excuse me while I have a lot of Dean protecting small children feels. Because OBVIOUSLY.
Hanna and Spencer are in the former's room as she tries on outfits and complains that nothing covers the bandage on her leg from her gigantic improbable stab wound. There's always... pants?
Lorraine: MIND BLOWN. The Improbable Wound is mid-thigh. I'm not sure she should be having this much difficulty finding something to cover it.
Sweeney: You live in Pennsylvania. There's no way that you don't own clothing that will cover past mid-thigh. Winter is coming, girl. (Eventually. One day. Maybe.)
Lorraine: MIND BLOWN. The Improbable Wound is mid-thigh. I'm not sure she should be having this much difficulty finding something to cover it.
Sweeney: You live in Pennsylvania. There's no way that you don't own clothing that will cover past mid-thigh. Winter is coming, girl. (Eventually. One day. Maybe.)
Ashley Marin ordered a plant but it's too big and she's trying to move it out of the way, asking for Hanna's help and she teenagers that it's fine where it is. The Great Contrivance Spirit whisks Ashley away to answer her phone, leaving Hanna to move some small plants out of the way and magically discover an old note from Maya to Emily.
The other Liars all come over so that Hanna can read them the message. Maya's phone was stolen and she had something that she needed Emily to see. The note asks Emily to meet Maya somewhere, but weather and the fact that the episode just started eroded that part of the note. Just that part. Em's 100% sure the note is from Maya. The girls are pretty sure it's the evidence that Garrett is Ali's killer and that's why she got killed. Aria looks more closely at the note and guess what wasn't magically washed away? The date. Maya wrote it the day she died. Maybe it was all that note-writing that got her killed.
The other Liars all come over so that Hanna can read them the message. Maya's phone was stolen and she had something that she needed Emily to see. The note asks Emily to meet Maya somewhere, but weather and the fact that the episode just started eroded that part of the note. Just that part. Em's 100% sure the note is from Maya. The girls are pretty sure it's the evidence that Garrett is Ali's killer and that's why she got killed. Aria looks more closely at the note and guess what wasn't magically washed away? The date. Maya wrote it the day she died. Maybe it was all that note-writing that got her killed.
Burkitsville, Indiana, one year ago. A young couple are ushered out of a restaurant at night by a motherly looking type who gives them an apple pie for the road. Her husband finishes filling their car and gives them polite directions to the interstate. Their niece admires the guy's tattoo as he gets in the car. The young couple gush about how nice everyone is in town and head out.
A short distance out of town, their car dies. The girl is not pleased to discover that they also have no phone reception. They get out of the car and spy a light through the trees of an apple orchard. The guy heads towards it, and the girl reluctantly follows. Part way in, they come across a creep-tastic scarecrow and stare at it for way longer than I would. The guy calls it "the freakiest damn scarecrow I've ever seen," thereby earning himself a gold star a mere two minutes into the episode. Well done, sir!
A short distance out of town, their car dies. The girl is not pleased to discover that they also have no phone reception. They get out of the car and spy a light through the trees of an apple orchard. The guy heads towards it, and the girl reluctantly follows. Part way in, they come across a creep-tastic scarecrow and stare at it for way longer than I would. The guy calls it "the freakiest damn scarecrow I've ever seen," thereby earning himself a gold star a mere two minutes into the episode. Well done, sir!
FIRST THINGS FIRST: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARA. Apparently her co-workers are not showering her with candy and permission to not do anything today, which is stupid, so everyone else should shower her with internet high fives and the like.
The episode begins with somber music and a zoomy tour through the inter-workings of Firefly. It's giving me all sorts of "THIS IS THE LAST EPISODE! WHY?" feelings. The zoomy tour ends on River's face waking up. She goes out into the hall where she hears Simon and Kaylee laughing as he tells her a story of a med school streaking prank. As Kaylee asks what song he was singing he looks up at River and says, "I would be there right now," coldly, before resuming the laughter, making me think (hope?) this is more a River fear (/intuiton) than a thing that actually happened.
The episode begins with somber music and a zoomy tour through the inter-workings of Firefly. It's giving me all sorts of "THIS IS THE LAST EPISODE! WHY?" feelings. The zoomy tour ends on River's face waking up. She goes out into the hall where she hears Simon and Kaylee laughing as he tells her a story of a med school streaking prank. As Kaylee asks what song he was singing he looks up at River and says, "I would be there right now," coldly, before resuming the laughter, making me think (hope?) this is more a River fear (/intuiton) than a thing that actually happened.
After some previouslies, we start at the Roosevelt Asylum in Rockford, Illinois, which sounds like exactly the place I never want to be. (The asylum part, not the Illinois part.) The creepy cameraman shows some anonymous hands (A?!) cutting through a chain on the door and sneaking in.
Cut to outside, and two cops are pulling up outside of the asylum. One of the cops says that they can't seem to keep kids out of this place and the other cop asks what it is. Exposity Cop is like, "Oh, I forgot you're new in town and don't know the plot of this episode, so let me fill you and the viewers in real quick about the legend of this asylum." Supposedly the asylum is haunted with the ghosts of the patients, and if you spend the night, they'll drive you insane. That's cool and all, but I'm pretty sure the majority of what's happening in that place (if it's anything like my small Louisiana town) is lots of pot smoking and sex.
Cut to outside, and two cops are pulling up outside of the asylum. One of the cops says that they can't seem to keep kids out of this place and the other cop asks what it is. Exposity Cop is like, "Oh, I forgot you're new in town and don't know the plot of this episode, so let me fill you and the viewers in real quick about the legend of this asylum." Supposedly the asylum is haunted with the ghosts of the patients, and if you spend the night, they'll drive you insane. That's cool and all, but I'm pretty sure the majority of what's happening in that place (if it's anything like my small Louisiana town) is lots of pot smoking and sex.
Rosewood's One Coffee Shop. Aria wants Spencer to look at a picture she found on Maya's website. It's a picture of a stamp on Maya's wrist and it's the same stamp Holden had on his wrist when Emily inexplicably ran into him at the church party. Aria thinks this is a huge clue and is confused by Spencer's lack of interest. Spencer explains that she can't Nancy Drew shit anymore. Only five days ago, she forgot to apply to college. Aria clarifies that it was only an early admissions deadline, but this is Spencer Hastings we're talking about. Aria tries to tell her that everything will be okay but (1) - Aria's wearing a skeleton crop top on top of some sort of gold lame tank top so no one can take her seriously and (2) - Spencer recently got a B on homework so her world is falling apart.
Sweeney: LOL, it's fun that this show tries to pretend they can possibly be going to school, what with all their 4am coffee dates midnight asylum break-ins.
Sweeney: LOL, it's fun that this show tries to pretend they can possibly be going to school, what with all their 4am coffee dates midnight asylum break-ins.
It's the morning after the last episode, and the girls are sitting around Maya's website, discussing what Mona's motives could have been. Hanna thinks she's just trying to help the Liars, but Spencer is like, the fuck she's trying to help. Aria interjects that whether the website is fake or not, they still need to get the password and see what's on it.
Emily enternounces that she just got a call from Cousin Nate, and they're going to be hiking up to Maya's favorite place, the old boat house, later that day. Girl, have you checked for ID yet? (L: Of course not, Sara. Of course not.)
Emily enternounces that she just got a call from Cousin Nate, and they're going to be hiking up to Maya's favorite place, the old boat house, later that day. Girl, have you checked for ID yet? (L: Of course not, Sara. Of course not.)
Lawrence, Kansas. A young woman (who we last saw reporting on how awesome Jasmine is!) sits in her darkened kitchen, surrounded by moving boxes. She pulls out her wedding photo and tears up. She stops herself when her daughter walks in and says that she can't sleep because there's something in her closet. Upstairs, Widow!Mom checks the closet and declares it free from monsters, though the cameraman lurking in the depths would indicate otherwise. She tucks her daughter, Sari, into bed. Sari says that she doesn't like this house, but Widow!Mom says it's just because she's not used to it, and that they'll be very happy there. She turns the light out and goes to leave, but Sari demands that she first barricade the closet shut with a chair.
The previouslies give us a major Mona update, including the usually-wrong Liars assuring Aria that Mona's totally locked up for good. That combined with the episode title has me keeping my fingers crossed that our favorite lunatic rejoins the outside world, just to keep the non-plot interesting.
Sara: Mona totally is my favorite lunatic. And there are a lot of lunatics in Traumaland, so saying Mona is my favorite actually counts for a lot.
Lorraine: Something tells me we should open this up to a vote at the end of the year in the Traumaland Awards. Our lunatics should definitely know where they stand.
Sara: Mona totally is my favorite lunatic. And there are a lot of lunatics in Traumaland, so saying Mona is my favorite actually counts for a lot.
Lorraine: Something tells me we should open this up to a vote at the end of the year in the Traumaland Awards. Our lunatics should definitely know where they stand.
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