Dusty planet. Two people are hanging up some laundry when they notice five men on horseback and a hovercraft of some sort approaching. The girl calls out to "Nandi" and from within the house covered in tin foil, Julie Cooper exits. You may recognize her from any number of other things, including The Vampire Diaries, Entourage or Nakita. You might even know her name is Melinda Clarke. But, like, Julie Cooper.
Sweeney: JULIE COOPER!!
Sara: I KNEW I KNEW HER!
Construction Zone. Some construction guys are building new, ritzy houses in a classy subdivision. Beardy Construction Guy complains about mosquitoes right as another guy falls through a weird hole and breaks his ankle. As Beardy Construction Guy runs to get a rope to pull him out, the guy in the hole gets COVERED in bugs, and this is like the third Supernatural recap I've gotten that involves something that legitimately terrifies me. UGH. By the time Beardy Construction Guy gets back, the guy in the hole is laying at the bottom (with no bugs on him) and bleeding from the eyes, nose, and ears.
Kirsti: Hello, nightmare.
Kirsti: Hello, nightmare.
Hanna stomps through the Rosewood Hospital looking for room 312. Spencer tries to slow her down and talk her through a plan. They are going to replace the note in Garrett's Mom's room with a fake note, meant to lead whoever Garret is working with to a location where the Liars will be waiting. Spencer knows all that part of the plan, but points out that they should probably pick out a location before stomping into the coma room. Hanna quickly picks the church. Apparently, the girls assume that whoever Garrett is trying to communicate with on the outside is also A. And Spencer is assuming that Lucas is A, because he doesn't take showers. Or because they found those pills used to drug Emily amongst his things. Probably both.
Sweeney: Why are they finalizing this plan at the hospital?
Sweeney: Why are they finalizing this plan at the hospital?
We open at a cool looking floating space station that looks like it has lots of TV monitors on it. So basically my dream home. Inside, there's a carny guy in a tall hat telling passerby that he'll convince them to believe in aliens once they see what's inside his freak show circus tent. The Mad Hatter says it will haunt their dreams and harrow their very soul.
Lorraine: I love the idea that humans are now in space, and people are still debating the existence of aliens. "Yep. They're here.... somewhere..."
Sweeney: LOOK HARDER, HUMANS! Look harder.
Lorraine: I love the idea that humans are now in space, and people are still debating the existence of aliens. "Yep. They're here.... somewhere..."
Sweeney: LOOK HARDER, HUMANS! Look harder.
The Liars discuss their previous lies: being at Ali's grave the night her body disappeared, pretending to be at the Lake House of Secrets instead, etc. They're on their way to go comfort Hanna about not having a pretty wolf to kiss anymore when an ambulance shows up across the street. The paramedics wheel out Garrett's mom on a stretcher, which doesn't seem that important plot-wise but this is PLL, so.
Also, this neighborhood must be a very strange shape if they all live next door to each other and also next door to Alison's old house and also next door to New Jason and Garrett. It defies all logic. Aria sees a hoodied person watching them, and the girls freak, as usual.
Also, this neighborhood must be a very strange shape if they all live next door to each other and also next door to Alison's old house and also next door to New Jason and Garrett. It defies all logic. Aria sees a hoodied person watching them, and the girls freak, as usual.
It's been a while, dear friends, since we visited the great and wonderful world of Sweet Valley. Things have changed a lot around here, but we never forget that this blog was created for the purpose of snarking the terrible books we read as kids.
Despite the fact that months have separated our last SVH recap and this one, we are actually picking up right where we left off. (S: It's really rude that they don't anticipate and respect our erratic blogging schedule.) Elizabeth Wakefield is enjoying her It's Really Cool You Aren't Kidnapped Anymore Party and a young man named Nicholas Morrow has just arrived.
Despite the fact that months have separated our last SVH recap and this one, we are actually picking up right where we left off. (S: It's really rude that they don't anticipate and respect our erratic blogging schedule.) Elizabeth Wakefield is enjoying her It's Really Cool You Aren't Kidnapped Anymore Party and a young man named Nicholas Morrow has just arrived.
A sorority house at Eastern Iowa University. A mousy looking girl dresses for a date in a denim skirt and long sleeved button up blouse. She asks her roommate what she thinks, and said roommate "Oh, honey, no"s her. (S: True friend material.) She crosses to her dresser and grabs a midriff baring lacy red halter top and insists that Mousy Girl wear that instead. After a little reluctance, Mousy Girl puts it on. Ho Suspension Roommate approves and tells her not to do anything she wouldn't. Mousy Girl says that there's nothing she wouldn't do as she heads out. "That's true," Ho Suspension Roommate grins as she flips through her magazine.
Cut to an SUV pulling up under a wooden bridge in the dark. From the shadows, we see a silver hook glint. Mousy Girl says that she thought they were going to a party, and her date says they can't possibly arrive on time. She eyerolls a little at his obviousness, then leans over and kisses him.
Cut to an SUV pulling up under a wooden bridge in the dark. From the shadows, we see a silver hook glint. Mousy Girl says that she thought they were going to a party, and her date says they can't possibly arrive on time. She eyerolls a little at his obviousness, then leans over and kisses him.
St. Louis, MO. We open this episode with a girl tied to a chair and covered in blood. A man is in the room with her, holding a knife. Cops enter the house and follow the blood stains to find the girl still alive. As they untie her, the girl motions to the room behind them and the cops find the guy standing at the door, with the bloody knife still in his hand. They instruct him to turn around, and when he does, it's Dean.
Kirsti: The entire thing is done to the strains of Iron Butterfly's In-a-Gadda-da-Vida, which would probably be a lot spookier if it didn't immediately conjure up memories of Bart Simpson selling his soul to Milhouse for $5...
Kirsti: The entire thing is done to the strains of Iron Butterfly's In-a-Gadda-da-Vida, which would probably be a lot spookier if it didn't immediately conjure up memories of Bart Simpson selling his soul to Milhouse for $5...
The episode begins with an extended shot of naked Mal sitting on a rock in the desert. He's got a tattoo on his hip. This is awkward, what with the other girls fighting over their TV Boyfriend claims. Guys, he just chose to show up naked in my episode, all right?
Lorraine: I'm secure enough in our relationship that this does not bother me.
Sara: I just hope you guys aren't jealous that this is something I get to look at all the time because of how he's my boyfriend and all.
Lorraine: I'm secure enough in our relationship that this does not bother me.
Sara: I just hope you guys aren't jealous that this is something I get to look at all the time because of how he's my boyfriend and all.
Rosewood's One Restaurant is enjoying the patronage of our young Liars. They question whether or not they believe Jenna's story, that she was casually riding around when she spotted a very drunk Emily. Hanna wants to just assume that Jenna is telling the truth, because assuming everyone is a liar might make her head explode. We Snark Ladies assume everyone is a liar, but we are professionals.
Spencer says a truth-telling-Jenna means she's crossed off the suspect list for the New A. Who are the remaining suspects? Emily suggest Lucas but Hanna is pretty sure that not taking a shower doesn't equal New A.
Spencer says a truth-telling-Jenna means she's crossed off the suspect list for the New A. Who are the remaining suspects? Emily suggest Lucas but Hanna is pretty sure that not taking a shower doesn't equal New A.
The Liars are standing around at the School for Plotting Against a NotBlind!Girl, watching NotBlind!Jenna read braille and wondering wtf she's up to. The girls have decided that Aria is the one assigned to this task, because Jenna trusts her, on account of the inviting Aria to play musical instruments with her thing. Aria is not looking forward to this mission, but Hanna says she'd gladly trade her Crazy Mona for a Blind!Jenna. Jenna click clacks away, and Hanna says they should push a table in front of her and see what happens. LOL.
Sweeney: That proud smile is the best. This is why we love you, Hanna.
Lorraine: She should be proud because at least she owns it. None of these girls know a damn thing about subtlety.
Sweeney: That proud smile is the best. This is why we love you, Hanna.
Lorraine: She should be proud because at least she owns it. None of these girls know a damn thing about subtlety.
I have no qualms about saying that this episode freaks me the fuck out, and I didn't even grow up in a country where trying to summon a ghost in the bathroom mirror at a sleepover is even a thing. (S: Lucky.) We open in Toledo, Ohio where a trio of 12 year old girls are playing Truth or Dare by candlelight. One of the girls, Lily asks for a dare and is told by her friend to say Bloody Mary in the bathroom mirror. Here, random friend, have a gold star!
Anyway, the second friend asks who Bloody Mary is, and there's some confusion over the background but the gist is that if you say her name three times in the mirror, she appears and scratches your eyes out. "So...why would anyone say it?!" asks the second friend, who's clearly the only sensible one here.
Anyway, the second friend asks who Bloody Mary is, and there's some confusion over the background but the gist is that if you say her name three times in the mirror, she appears and scratches your eyes out. "So...why would anyone say it?!" asks the second friend, who's clearly the only sensible one here.
Piper Mom is teaching some plot relevant lessons that allow the zoomy cameraman to capture "A" and "insane" on the blackboard. She talks about how desperate actions seemed necessary but were actually stupid. The girls are too busy staring off into space and thinking about how this applies to them being near or around a shovel to take notes, which displeases Piper Mom. But also fuck her. Emily opens her purse to find a creepy necklace made of teeth and letters spelling out, "DEAD GIRLS CAN'T SMILE" and runs to the bathroom, and the other girls also see themselves out in the middle of class because Piper Mom is a sham of an adult whose authority is respected by no one.
Sara: Interrupting just to say that Aria's dress is on point.
Sara: Interrupting just to say that Aria's dress is on point.
The episode starts looking out at a shed, in a shot very similar to the Pilot. It's five months after the events of the season two finale and the close of summer break. In the clunky way we've come to know and love to make fun of, the girls recap their summers: Aria beat out thousands of applicants for a photography course (S: LOL. Have we ever once seen Aria take a picture?); Spencer took a full load of classes at Hollis College of Pottery and Pedophiles; Emily built houses for the less fortunate; Hanna had a to-do list which she kind of completed.
Sweeney: I feel you, girl. Except, you know, I actually took all those jobs where I worked for free.
Sweeney: I feel you, girl. Except, you know, I actually took all those jobs where I worked for free.
Simon analyzes some data on a screen as Book disregards his thinky face and starts chatting. Book is being the person who sees you with headphones on and strikes up a conversation, but like the space-cowboy version of it. Something like that. (S: A+)
Anyway, he asks Simon if he's ever read the writings of Shan Yu, the psychotic dictator who "fancied himself quite the warrior-poet." Apparently this crazy dictator poet wrote a lot about torture and human endurance, and Book wonders if the people who messed with River's brain did it to see how much she could endure. Simon doesn't think so. He shows Book a picture of River's brain and points out that there is pattern. Besides, if the bad guys' aim was just to hurt River, they wouldn't still be after her.
Anyway, he asks Simon if he's ever read the writings of Shan Yu, the psychotic dictator who "fancied himself quite the warrior-poet." Apparently this crazy dictator poet wrote a lot about torture and human endurance, and Book wonders if the people who messed with River's brain did it to see how much she could endure. Simon doesn't think so. He shows Book a picture of River's brain and points out that there is pattern. Besides, if the bad guys' aim was just to hurt River, they wouldn't still be after her.
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