The number gods are getting me back for that one time when I got an episode free of Pedzarafitz by starting this one off with Ezria in bed, getting their pedophilia on. The alarm goes off and Ezra rolls over to turn it off and when he rolls back it's New Jason. Aria wakes up. Too late, because I can't unsee that.
Lorraine: OKAY, RIGHT? I had an acutal, physical gag when I realized that was Ezria in a state of undress.
Sweeney: I'm glad I wasn't alone in that.
Our tragically abbreviated journey begins with stock war footage. There are explosions and bullets whizzing by as a band of futuristic aircraft gun down a group of soldiers. Welcome to Firefly everyone!
A man in a brown coat makes his way down a hill and safely into a bunker. Inside, he's addressed by another soldier as "sergeant." Sergeant Brown Coat is told that command is holding air support, but as we just saw, they could use some air support ASAP. He barks out a few orders right before a big blast makes everyone look at each other all, "we're totally gonna die, aren't we?"
Sweeney: It's a Joss Whedon show, so I'm sure some of you are correct!
A man in a brown coat makes his way down a hill and safely into a bunker. Inside, he's addressed by another soldier as "sergeant." Sergeant Brown Coat is told that command is holding air support, but as we just saw, they could use some air support ASAP. He barks out a few orders right before a big blast makes everyone look at each other all, "we're totally gonna die, aren't we?"
Sweeney: It's a Joss Whedon show, so I'm sure some of you are correct!
This episode begins with, you guessed it, the girls recapping the last few minutes of the last episode. Spencer managed to get away from Officer Garrett by telling him she had to get home. Well, that was anti-climatic. Hanna suggests that maybe Blind Jenna didn't give Garrett the pottery candle thing, but Spencer thinks that's unlikely. "What do you think, he bought it at the Blind Artists Craft Fair? Of course she gave it to him!"
It turns out that the girls are parked outside of Emily's house, because the people leasing the place don't know how to work the alarm system and it keeps getting set off. This seems like completely pointless information, which probably means it will be important later.
It turns out that the girls are parked outside of Emily's house, because the people leasing the place don't know how to work the alarm system and it keeps getting set off. This seems like completely pointless information, which probably means it will be important later.
In a nutshell: So there's this guy, right? And he's fighting in the Revolutionary War all heroic and brave like, right up until some creep with a metal mask comes over to stab him. In his dying moments, this guy (Ichabod Crane) goes down swinging and manages to chop off the head of the creep with the mask. He dies, and if that weren't sucky enough, Ichabod Crane is rudely awakened from his grave 250 years later, and soon falls right into an epic mission: the Headless Horseman is back as well, and in the year 2013, it seems that everyone likes their horsemen with heads and generally not going around killing people and being apocalyptic. Ichabod teams up with Lt. Abbie Mills to figure out WTF is going on.
What Lorraine Thinks: This show is batshit crazy.
What Lorraine Thinks: This show is batshit crazy.
The episode starts with all of the girls in their separate rooms in no way referencing what happened last episode. JUST KIDDING. They are all in the Marin Manor kitchen. Emily's explaining that some pipes broke in the house, meaning that Hanna and Em have to share a room. Hanna says that it'll be like a never-ending sleep over and Aria and Spencer give each other hilarious side eye.
Sara: Aria is so good at that side eye. I can't stop watching.
Sweeney: Those big old powderpuff eyes of hers can pull of all sorts of wonderful expressions. There's a slight eyeroll to the Aria shrug, too, that really enhances it.
Sara: Aria is so good at that side eye. I can't stop watching.
Sweeney: Those big old powderpuff eyes of hers can pull of all sorts of wonderful expressions. There's a slight eyeroll to the Aria shrug, too, that really enhances it.
This is your semi-regular reminder that at least one of these four girls should now have been driven to full-blown insanity with the stress of an ever-changing cadre of blackmailers, murderers, and murders in their lives. The fact that 4/4 are still fully-functional human beings strikes me as implausible at best. Henceforth, I choose to view the story as all being some sort of vivid dream on the part of an institutionalized PLL. It makes the implausibility factor of all other events easier to handle too! You may all begin voting on which PLL's brain my headcanon should be attributed to.
The nervous-break-induced story continues in Emily's bedroom, where the PLLs are folding flyers for a fashion show because that is EVEN BETTER than another effing dance.
The nervous-break-induced story continues in Emily's bedroom, where the PLLs are folding flyers for a fashion show because that is EVEN BETTER than another effing dance.
The PLLs are sitting at lunch, looking at a copy of the note they found next to Dead Ian, because Hanna was smart enough to snap a picture of it before they called the cops. They question whether it's a suicide note or a confession, and Emily wonders why Ian would kill himself right before running off with Melissa. And then I wonder wtf is wrong with Emily, because she literally just saw him murdered by that bell tower not that long ago, so she has to know this is another A setup, right?
Lorraine: YOU WOULD THINK. No one is even questioning how fucking impossible it is that he was alive enough to kill himself.
Lorraine: YOU WOULD THINK. No one is even questioning how fucking impossible it is that he was alive enough to kill himself.
Spencer goes back to the pawn shop to get Melissa's wedding ring. The shop owner is surprised to see her. We pan out of the shop and see that Emily, Aria and Hanna are waiting for their friend out in the skeevy alley, prepared to give us the Early Episode Exposition: Dr. Ex-Fiance Wren gave Melissa something unidentified last episode and Emily got a fake scholarship letter from A.
Back inside the pawn shop, the owner hands Spencer back a horseshoe. Spencer freaks out and says she gave him a ring, though he plays dumb and says not according to her ticket. Spencer demands that he find her ring, and he hits her with a, "or what? You gonna call the police?"
Back inside the pawn shop, the owner hands Spencer back a horseshoe. Spencer freaks out and says she gave him a ring, though he plays dumb and says not according to her ticket. Spencer demands that he find her ring, and he hits her with a, "or what? You gonna call the police?"
The previouslies remind us of Wren, so I guess we'll be seeing him, and I don't like it because SPOBY 4EVA.
Lorraine: I suddenly feel like we need #teamageappropriatelove on a t-shirt.
Sweeney: ABSOLUTELY. I would wear the shirt all the time.
Anyway, the girls are in a movie theater, apparently alone, watching an old black and white movie, recapping Spencer's theory that Melissa is sneaking out to visit Ian on foot, and probably at Jason's. Spencer spots someone in a black hoodie in the back of the theater, but when the other girls turn around, (s)he's gone.
Lorraine: I suddenly feel like we need #teamageappropriatelove on a t-shirt.
Sweeney: ABSOLUTELY. I would wear the shirt all the time.
Anyway, the girls are in a movie theater, apparently alone, watching an old black and white movie, recapping Spencer's theory that Melissa is sneaking out to visit Ian on foot, and probably at Jason's. Spencer spots someone in a black hoodie in the back of the theater, but when the other girls turn around, (s)he's gone.
This episode starts right where the last one left off, with the girls in the Greenhouse of Secrets, freaked out about the possibility of Ian still being alive. Hanna says he has to be alive, because zombies can't text. Or Hanna is totally wrong, and at the end of the series, we'll find out that A/Ian/everyone else is actually in a zombie movie. I just wrote a way better ending than anything the PLL writers will come up with, I'm sure.
Lorraine: Re-writing the series we cover with zombies seems to be a common theme in the last couple of days. I approve.
Sweeney: The Traumaland Zombie Novel series is going to be a huge hit, I'm sure.
Lorraine: Re-writing the series we cover with zombies seems to be a common theme in the last couple of days. I approve.
Sweeney: The Traumaland Zombie Novel series is going to be a huge hit, I'm sure.
The first episode of season two starts moments after where we left off at the end of For Whom the Bell Tolls. The girls are sharing a group WTF over the fact that Ian was most definitely dead, and now his body is missing. They of course attribute this to A shenanigans.
Creepy Jenna-kissing Officer Garrett comes over to tell the girls that they are being taken down to the station and their parents will meet them there. The girls don't question this, and hop on into Officer Garrett's car. He takes a turn that is decidedly not towards the station, pulls into a back alley and demands that the girls all get out of the car in a super creepy fashion.
Creepy Jenna-kissing Officer Garrett comes over to tell the girls that they are being taken down to the station and their parents will meet them there. The girls don't question this, and hop on into Officer Garrett's car. He takes a turn that is decidedly not towards the station, pulls into a back alley and demands that the girls all get out of the car in a super creepy fashion.
Lorraine: File another thing under the “hey, we may struggle in real life but on the Internet, WE FINISH THINGS,” category! Here’s is a show appropriate celebration gif! Pretty Little...
Finale time! We pick up where we left off last time, with the girls sitting on the bed, watching more Stalker videos. But the next video isn't of the PLLs; it's of Blind!Jenna, before she was blind, and Toby. Jenna has her arms around Toby and is telling him (and us) that it isn't really creepy because of how they aren't really related. Yeah, no. It's still creepy, girl. She goes on that if he doesn't get sexy with her, she'll tell his dad that he's been forcing her to have sex with him and obviously they'll believe her. So yeah. Jenna is a straight up rapist, and we now have lots of validity behind why we hate her. Thank goodness Hanna went ahead and slapped her that one time. (NEVER FORGET.)
This, dearest of Traumateers, is our 400th post. CRAZY.
The episode starts with a creepy ass, clown looking doll thing being carried in the foreground, as we see our group of Pretty Little Liars in the background, eating at Rosewood's one restaurant. They are doing our fantastic, beginning of episode exposition. This round is about guessing who is making Spencer look like a murderer. Spencer pauses the talk to point out that the creepy ass, clown looking dolls are staring at them from outside, where they are all lined up in a row, facing the restaurant.
Alas, they are for some sort of founder's festival which will never not remind me of The Vampire Diaries.
The episode starts with a creepy ass, clown looking doll thing being carried in the foreground, as we see our group of Pretty Little Liars in the background, eating at Rosewood's one restaurant. They are doing our fantastic, beginning of episode exposition. This round is about guessing who is making Spencer look like a murderer. Spencer pauses the talk to point out that the creepy ass, clown looking dolls are staring at them from outside, where they are all lined up in a row, facing the restaurant.
Alas, they are for some sort of founder's festival which will never not remind me of The Vampire Diaries.
Spencer and Emily are returning to Spencer's house from school when MariskaMom arrives to deliver very bad news. The police have issued a warrant and will now be going through the entire Hastings house, including Spencer's room. She runs up there to stop them, but they're boxing up all of her shit - diaries, laptop, notebooks. Can someone with a criminal justice degree please tell me if this would EVER happen based on the evidence they have on Spencer? Which is, none.
Spencer wants her mom to make them stop, but MariskaMom says they're just doing their jobs. Ian shows up just in time to do a long, creepy stare into the room, while drinking a glass of milk. Wtf.
Spencer wants her mom to make them stop, but MariskaMom says they're just doing their jobs. Ian shows up just in time to do a long, creepy stare into the room, while drinking a glass of milk. Wtf.
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