Sweeney: As promised, here is some of the miscellaneous absurdity scrapped from the recap. This is not actually in any particular order and probably won’t make much sense without having...
This chapter, dear readers, marks the mid-way point in Fifty Shades Freed. We are halfway there. (And trying not to think about the fact that this means we still have three long months of Fifty Shades reading ahead of us.) As with the first two books, we are celebrating this momentous occasion with a vlog. This is the final Fifty Shades vlog recap! I realize that we have now celebrated the shit out of every completed step in the Fifty Shades reading process and it has probably lost all meaning for you, but we really like to celebrate.
Several of you mentioned on Twitter that 5 minutes is your max for a vlog, so I apologize for not being able to get our 40 minutes of rambling into anything less than 14.
Several of you mentioned on Twitter that 5 minutes is your max for a vlog, so I apologize for not being able to get our 40 minutes of rambling into anything less than 14.
Ana starts us off by confirming that no, she did not know where her husband was born. That's usually the stuff you learn in like week 2 or 3 of dating, right about the time Grey and Ana were signing contracts or, I don't know, getting married.
Grey tells Ana that he and Elliot were both born and adopted in Detroit. The Greys moved to Seattle shortly thereafter. Ana wants to know how Grey knows that Jack was born in Detroit.
Oh, this is a serious question? Girl, you are seriously asking how MF STALKER BOYFRIEND knew where Jack was born? Even Grey is all, “um, duh.” as he shares that he had a background check run on Jack.
Grey tells Ana that he and Elliot were both born and adopted in Detroit. The Greys moved to Seattle shortly thereafter. Ana wants to know how Grey knows that Jack was born in Detroit.
Oh, this is a serious question? Girl, you are seriously asking how MF STALKER BOYFRIEND knew where Jack was born? Even Grey is all, “um, duh.” as he shares that he had a background check run on Jack.
Picking up exactly where the last chapter left off (only ELJ would try to use the protagonist's husband waiting for her as a chapter-ending curbhanger) Ana's whispermurmurchokes about Grey having been waiting for in THOSE PANTS that hang on his hips in THAT WAY. She asks herself a lot of stupid questions.
Grey has hung his pants from his hips in that extra-special way in order to sexy distract Ana.
His sexy distraction is described with words like "stalk" which sounds about right. He printed out the email that she sent him -- you know, that eight seconds where she had a spine and explained her very legitimate issue with him flying back to Seattle because she fucking got a drink with a friend?
Grey has hung his pants from his hips in that extra-special way in order to sexy distract Ana.
His sexy distraction is described with words like "stalk" which sounds about right. He printed out the email that she sent him -- you know, that eight seconds where she had a spine and explained her very legitimate issue with him flying back to Seattle because she fucking got a drink with a friend?
Previously: Ana disobeys Grey when she decides to go have a drink with Kate. When she gets back home, turns out Jack Hyde has been apprehended by her security people....
Sweeney: The chapter begins with Ana waking up to being physically smothered not-quite-to-death by Grey. She notes that he is "so needy on some level." LOL, you think? This makes her think of baby!Grey just for your chapter-beginning pedobear EW moment. She wakes him up and he blinks a couple of times. I imagine that we are told about people blinking as many times in these three books as in the whole rest of literature.
Lorraine: I like that comparing these books to the whole rest of literature has become a thing. It really gives scope to the bullshit.
Sweeney: That's what we're all about: giving everyone a proper bullshit metric.
Lorraine: I like that comparing these books to the whole rest of literature has become a thing. It really gives scope to the bullshit.
Sweeney: That's what we're all about: giving everyone a proper bullshit metric.
I always find it amusing when I feel compelled to start a recap by reminding you all of some plot point or other. Most of the time it's because it's some random shit that wouldn't qualify as a plot point anywhere outside of the Fifty Shades series. For instance, please do recall that the architect designing the new Grey house has come to visit the Greys... and she's a woman!
I KNOW, GUYS. How could I think you would forget such a shocking turn of events, in which a woman is a woman near or around Grey?!
I KNOW, GUYS. How could I think you would forget such a shocking turn of events, in which a woman is a woman near or around Grey?!
The actual end to the last chapter, after all the anal lube, was Grey showing Ana the security footage of the arsonist. Ana insta-recognizes the arsonist as Jack Strobe-Light-Eyed-Rapey-Boss Hyde, but we are unimpressed because the cheatery narration practically told us he did it before it happened. Like, that stupid epilogue to book two might as well have been, "And then I lit Grey's office on fire! While he was out of town! A completely ineffectual attack, because gross incompetence is the thing we all have in common in these books!"
Sweeney and I have developed a sort of unofficial game when it comes to handing off chapters. Mostly it involves pointing and laughing at whatever atrocities the other person has to endure. I mean, we're totally friends and everything, but you can't deny the little bit of satisfaction that comes when your chapter fades on sex and you think, "YES. I AM SPARED." That all said, Sweeney is currently winning this game because her chapter ended riiight before our two main idiots decide to head back into the Red Womb of Domestic Violence.
Ana wakes up to find Grey gone-but-not-really because he was just, you know, casually sitting in the arm chair watching her sleep. He tells her not to panic, speaking to her "like a cornered, wild animal," which is either a commentary on Ana's lack of intelligence or the fact that waking up to Christian Grey watching you sleep is terrifying. Maybe both. Isn't this how you'd like to start your days?
Lorraine: Absolutely not. I can't even joke about this shit; that is terrifying.
...but I like that he's wearing GRAY! pants. A+
Lorraine: Absolutely not. I can't even joke about this shit; that is terrifying.
...but I like that he's wearing GRAY! pants. A+
Grey has been locked away in the study for over an hour so naturally Ana doesn't even know what to do with her self. She's tried reading, watching TV and sunbathing, though she's sure to tell us it's full dressed sunbathing. I don't even know what that means. Probably sunbathing in a parka, because what else screams "abuse victim on a vacation!"
Sweeney: It's amusing when Ana "tries" to do things other than be around Christian Grey because this, like many other things in this series, is something that she talks about doing -- she often tells us of her arduous efforts to DO things at the "stressful" moments in her narrative, but she almost never actually does much of anything besides wait for Christian Grey to tell her what to do.
Sweeney: It's amusing when Ana "tries" to do things other than be around Christian Grey because this, like many other things in this series, is something that she talks about doing -- she often tells us of her arduous efforts to DO things at the "stressful" moments in her narrative, but she almost never actually does much of anything besides wait for Christian Grey to tell her what to do.
Someone mentioned in a comment how illogical these chapter-to-chapter not-cliffhangers are in this book, because it's not like someone reading this book is going to wait in suspense for days. I'm only bringing it up now because I'm about 99% certain that this "writing" choice is most likely the product of the fact that this was originally Twilight fanfiction, where readers did have to wait for her next abysmal installment. Consider this your semi-regular reminder of that fact and also that the world is unfair.
My personal headcanon of Ana's shock and horror upon looking in the mirror was an existential crisis of sorts, in which she realized what a tragedy it was that she exists. Or fictionally exists. The actual reason? Hickeys.
My personal headcanon of Ana's shock and horror upon looking in the mirror was an existential crisis of sorts, in which she realized what a tragedy it was that she exists. Or fictionally exists. The actual reason? Hickeys.
Ana knows she's in deep trouble because she's topless on a European beach. Grey picks up her bikini top, throws it at her and hisses for her to get dressed. Ana tries to tell him that no one is looking, on account of this being A EUROPEAN BEACH but she's Ana Freakin' Steele so of course people are looking at her magical boobs. I'm sure a rainbow can be found between them and there is a unicorn that rides back and forth in merry bliss. Ooooor, Grey is a possessive asshole and no one else in the world gives any shits about Ana's boobs. Either or.
Sweeney: I always struggle with these multiple choice quizzes.
Lor: I make them difficult on purpose.
Sweeney: I always struggle with these multiple choice quizzes.
Lor: I make them difficult on purpose.
Sweeney: It’s here, Traumateers! The beginning of the end! I feel like I can see the glorious light at the end of this shit tunnel.
Lorraine: While Sweeney and I were in California, during our goodbye brunch, we had a serious 15-20 minute conversation about the end of Fifty Shades, the amount of time we invested in it and how weird/awesome it will be when we're done. Thinking of the end gives me something like nauseous nostalgia. It's weird.
Sweeney: Before we dive into the nauseous nostalgia, the book begins with a page of thanks to various people who helped bring this book into being.
Lorraine: While Sweeney and I were in California, during our goodbye brunch, we had a serious 15-20 minute conversation about the end of Fifty Shades, the amount of time we invested in it and how weird/awesome it will be when we're done. Thinking of the end gives me something like nauseous nostalgia. It's weird.
Sweeney: Before we dive into the nauseous nostalgia, the book begins with a page of thanks to various people who helped bring this book into being.