When we finished recapping the entire Fifty Shades series, Sweeney and I decided to record vlogs discussing our feelings about the project as a whole. Sweeney put together a lovely video that remains one of my favorite things ever. I... never did it. Blame some combination of permanent trauma and lack of words. After two years of recapping this series chapter by chapter, I had very little else to say.
This is probably my punishment, then, for having flaked out on that final vlog. Yes, I went to go see the movie and yes, I have more feelings than could truly be captured during my live-Tweeting, so yes, I'm doing the movie post.
Lorraine: Hello, friends! Long time no see in this dusty "Fifty Shades" corner of Snark Squad. In fact, the last time we were here, Charlie Hunnam was still slated to play Christian Grey.
Sweeney: I'm so glad we got to have this gif for the final Fifty Shades posts. It was so useful!
Lor: Fast forward to ten months later and the official release of the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer:
Sweeney: I'm so glad we got to have this gif for the final Fifty Shades posts. It was so useful!
Lor: Fast forward to ten months later and the official release of the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer:
Sweeney: Happy Friday, Traumateers! This is something of a half-assed post, because it’s the holidays and we’re feeling extra lazy and entitled to our laziness. It’s you know, the usual:...
Sweeney: Hello, Traumateers! We’ve been having lots of holiday fun, but what with today being the hypothetical apocalypse and all, we figured that there was no better way to celebrate...
Sweeney:As we bring our Fifty Shades of hell to a close, we needed to have a proper celebration. With drinking. This book has induced a lot of drinking. While we...
Lorraine: A large portion of the traffic on SS.com comes from keyword searches, specifically from people I imagine are looking for legitimate information about Fifty Shades of Grey. I get...
Previously: Ana returns to Seattle just in time to have sex in a hallway, sex in the shower and sex in the Red Room. That last one happened with a...
Previously: Grey crashes Ana’s family vacation, the couple tragically survive a flight in a glider, and Grey reveals that letting Ana buy pancakes from IHOP would be a threat to...
Previously: Grey behaved like himself and stalked Ana to her mom’s house. Also, Stalker Boyfriend was born. Sweeney: The chapter begins with Ana in a cage. Since the last chapter...
Previously: Ana goes to Georgia to get some space from Christian, so naturally he follows her there. Because that’s the kind of man he is. — Lorraine: Guys. I...
Previously: Before leaving to Georgia, Grey and Ana have sex on his desk and one can only hope he disinfected afterwards. At the airport, Ana learns that Grey has upgraded...
Previously: Grey adds to his probable rapist cred by revealing that being told, “No” turns him on. Ana tries to barter sexytimes for information, and manages to get this excellent...
Lor: What do you mean you don't have time to examine your surroundings? I now know that the upstairs lights are halogens and on a mother freakin' dimmer. Trust me. You've noticed your damn surroundings.
Ana compares Grey to a dangerous predator again. I'd say something about this being repetitive, but really, there are only so many nice ways to say, "he's probably going to kill me."
Sweeney: Obviously I have only read one chapter of this book, but the first thing I noticed was how murdery the writing sounds. If I knew nothing else about this story, I would automatically think, "Welp, this girl's about to get axe murdered on a creepy boat with bad porno lighting."
Grey is waking Ana up with soft kisses but napping is better than any kiss, so Ana turns around and tries to keep sleeping. I approve.
Grey tells Ana she has to wake up because they have to be at his parent's house for dinner in half an hour. Ana is nervous about meeting Grey's parents, especially because he's just "worked [her] over with a riding crop and tied [her] up using a cable [she] sold him, for heaven's sake." As if the fact that she sold him the cable has any bearing on this.
Oh, he tied you up? That's cool. WAIT YOU SOLD HIM THE CABLE?
Previously: Ana and Grey send each other a ton of emails all about how Ana doesn’t like to be spanked and how Grey will track her down wherever she goes....