Tessa is super glad when Hardin leaves, and not because he was being a creep, but because she wants to get more information about the party from Steph. She tells Tessa that it's a frat party off campus and Nate is coming to pick them up.
Tessa, of course, takes a moment to tell us how grateful she is that Hardin isn't going to pick them up because that guy is obviously defective.
We pick up this chapter approximately 15 minutes later. Tessa has curled her hair! Oh my god! I really wasn't sure what she was going to do after that curling iron cliffhanger!
Steph offers Tessa her makeup, like a nice person. Tessa tells us that she's a member of the Big Eyes club.
She asks for some eyeliner and Steph gives her brown, black, and purple. Steph also suggests that the purple would look pretty with Tessa's Big Eyes but Tessa isn't a slut or something so she can't use purple. She puts on a little bit of black and Steph is proud. This has all been a literal 1/4 of this chapter.
Steph offers Tessa her makeup, like a nice person. Tessa tells us that she's a member of the Big Eyes club.
She asks for some eyeliner and Steph gives her brown, black, and purple. Steph also suggests that the purple would look pretty with Tessa's Big Eyes but Tessa isn't a slut or something so she can't use purple. She puts on a little bit of black and Steph is proud. This has all been a literal 1/4 of this chapter.
Okay guys. Here it is. The recap where we will finally find out what happens when Tessa finds a boy in her room.
Marines: Don't forget she's in a towel! The suspense is killing approximately no one.
Samantha: She asks the brown haired rude boy where Steph is. Her voice comes out in a squeak so maybe she swallowed a mouse in the heathen shower. The boy kind of half smirks at her but doesn't answer her legit question. I hate him already you guys.
Marines: Don't forget she's in a towel! The suspense is killing approximately no one.
Samantha: She asks the brown haired rude boy where Steph is. Her voice comes out in a squeak so maybe she swallowed a mouse in the heathen shower. The boy kind of half smirks at her but doesn't answer her legit question. I hate him already you guys.
Tessa's mommy dearest lectures her for an hour.
An hour later, after listening to my mother warn me against the dangers of parties and college men-- and using some language that's rather uncomfortable for Noah and me to hear from her-- she finally makes her move to leave."
An hour later, after listening to my mother warn me against the dangers of parties and college men-- and using some language that's rather uncomfortable for Noah and me to hear from her-- she finally makes her move to leave."
Okay! Here we go! Let's see if anything happens this chapter!
Tessa totally can't focus on anything as they drive to campus, not even her nice-soon-to-be-dumped-probably boyfriend. (M: Or his perfectly lined lips.) They arrive within a paragraph and apparently she never visited the campus before, which struck me as odd. Two hours isn't that bad of a drive, surely they could have done a visit?
Tessa totally can't focus on anything as they drive to campus, not even her nice-soon-to-be-dumped-probably boyfriend. (M: Or his perfectly lined lips.) They arrive within a paragraph and apparently she never visited the campus before, which struck me as odd. Two hours isn't that bad of a drive, surely they could have done a visit?
Hello friends! Funny story, I first wrote (most of) this recap in February of 2015. Here, I'll quote you the original opening for posterity's sake:
It was always our intention to pick up another book to snark in 2015, but I've got to admit that having so many of you hanging around the Fifty Shades reviews recently made me really miss that project. I mean, not any of the actual words written in the book... except for maybe "floor the pedal to the medal" and "my mother was a crack whore, Anastasia. Now go to sleep."
It was always our intention to pick up another book to snark in 2015, but I've got to admit that having so many of you hanging around the Fifty Shades reviews recently made me really miss that project. I mean, not any of the actual words written in the book... except for maybe "floor the pedal to the medal" and "my mother was a crack whore, Anastasia. Now go to sleep."
Once again, it appears that our dear sweet Steph has zero understanding of what an epilogue is. Because once again, this thing is like a million pages long. Except that as a special treat, Bella's not the narrator for the epilogue. No, friends. Instead of little Bell-bell, we're hanging out in Jacob's head.
Fabulous.
Catherine: Of course. Just what we all wanted after this book.
Fabulous.
Catherine: Of course. Just what we all wanted after this book.
Bella has to pull over on her drive home because she's so upset about breaking the heart of the guy who sexually assaulted her and admitted last chapter that he manipulated her with the threat of suicide and purposefully put her in a situation where he HOPED that her boyfriend would beat her up so that she would leave him and he could catch her on the rebound.
I am not as upset, if you can tell.
I am not as upset, if you can tell.
The chapter opens with Bella telling us that the vampires are all so perfect they couldn't possibly ever need or use beauty products so Alice must have filled the bathroom with stuff so Bella can cover up her ugly human face. Great.
Alice brushes Bella's hair (K: Because a child needs both a father AND a mother. Edward can't do it all, you guys) and Bella whines that she wants to go to La Push because she wants to go and sit by Jacob's bedside but Alice tells her she needs to go home so Charlie won't get suspicious. This back and forth goes on for a page and a half. Bella worries about Jacob while Alice insists she goes home to protect the alibi.
Alice brushes Bella's hair (K: Because a child needs both a father AND a mother. Edward can't do it all, you guys) and Bella whines that she wants to go to La Push because she wants to go and sit by Jacob's bedside but Alice tells her she needs to go home so Charlie won't get suspicious. This back and forth goes on for a page and a half. Bella worries about Jacob while Alice insists she goes home to protect the alibi.
The fact that we are still recapping this is no longer a joke. (K: This is the book that doesn't eeeeeeend, it just goes on and on my friiiiiend.)
I briefly forgot where we even are in the story, but it all came rushing back when Bella describes Victoria's headless corpse, which Edward then dismembers. Bella laments that she can't go over to her boyfriend and, I don't know pet him? comfort him? cheer him on? as he dismembers a body. She does watch all of this closely, though, in case somehow dismembering a corpse hurts him.
I briefly forgot where we even are in the story, but it all came rushing back when Bella describes Victoria's headless corpse, which Edward then dismembers. Bella laments that she can't go over to her boyfriend and, I don't know pet him? comfort him? cheer him on? as he dismembers a body. She does watch all of this closely, though, in case somehow dismembering a corpse hurts him.
Bella's face down on her sleeping bag. Edward strokes her knotty disgusting hair, and somehow she still knows that his hand is cold? (M: Like when you wash your hair with cold water. *cough*) Whatever. She says that she wants to die, and I really want her to die too. (A: Me three!) Although frankly, after the abomination that was the last chapter, I want EVERYONE to die. But sadly, Edward says he'll never let that happen. Um. So he's NOT going to let anyone turn her into a vampire? What's the point of this goddamn series then?! (C: Torture?)
Oh wow. WOW. I guess I got this chapter. The Twilight gods have not smiled kindly on my today, friends. I see how it is. *sigh*
Marines: If you read that and are thinking, "why do they keep saying this? Why won't they all accept there are no good chapters?" I can only say we are brave and endlessly hopeful in the face of adversity.
Annie: Each new chapter is just garbage in book form, each one worse than the last. I mean, it can't possibly be worse than two boys fighting over her like Bella's some sex companion to be won while she lays there, unconscious. Right?
Marines: If you read that and are thinking, "why do they keep saying this? Why won't they all accept there are no good chapters?" I can only say we are brave and endlessly hopeful in the face of adversity.
Annie: Each new chapter is just garbage in book form, each one worse than the last. I mean, it can't possibly be worse than two boys fighting over her like Bella's some sex companion to be won while she lays there, unconscious. Right?
We open the chapter with Bella, fully dressed, stuffed into her sleeping bag, in the tent with Edward. Bella is freezing and to hit it home, Meyer uses this fun device where Bella is stuttering and beyond just telling us that, she gives us this:
Marines: Aaaaaand we found this recap's single phrase that describes the whole series. "This is so unnecessary and annoying" can join such greats as "Shut up, Edward" and "I hope the baby vampires eat you all."
Catherine: Also: "What have we done to deserve this?"
“W-w-w-w-w-what t-t-t-t-time is it?” - I forced the words through my rattling teeth.That is so unnecessary and annoying.
Marines: Aaaaaand we found this recap's single phrase that describes the whole series. "This is so unnecessary and annoying" can join such greats as "Shut up, Edward" and "I hope the baby vampires eat you all."
Catherine: Also: "What have we done to deserve this?"
Bella wakes up and describes what the sky is doing, and I'm telling you just in case you maybe forgot that is a thing Meyer does in 90% of her chapters. Edward leaves Bella alone so she can get dressed and she tells us that she's thankful for this moment to think. I guess the down side of having your boyfriend around every waking moment and, hey, also around watching you sleep is that you feel like you never have a chance to think.
Annie: Edward doesn't want to give her time to think because that would give Bella the opportunity to realize how toxic and awful their relationship is, and she might try to leave the relationship. And abusive partners hate when that happens.
Annie: Edward doesn't want to give her time to think because that would give Bella the opportunity to realize how toxic and awful their relationship is, and she might try to leave the relationship. And abusive partners hate when that happens.
I skipped ahead to see what happens in this chapter and I only have one thing to say: WHY ME? WHY DO I KEEP BEING PUNISHED BY THE CHAPTER GODS?
Just hang on while I mentally prepare myself, you guys.
Marines: Kirsti. GET IT TOGETHER. We are ALL being punished by the chapter gods.
Catherine: This book is like Russian Roulette but the gun is fully loaded.
K: Pretty much exactly.
Just hang on while I mentally prepare myself, you guys.
Marines: Kirsti. GET IT TOGETHER. We are ALL being punished by the chapter gods.
Catherine: This book is like Russian Roulette but the gun is fully loaded.
K: Pretty much exactly.