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Category: Books

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New Moon Chapter 18 – Glitter tears.

  • Posted byby Annie
  • March 24, 2016
  • 30 Comments
Bella runs down the stairs and throws the door open to find Jacob at the front door. Well, not quite at the door:
"He was standing about 6 feet back from the door, his nose wrinkled in distaste, but his face otherwise smooth - masklike."

Kirsti: Now, friends. I want you all to do something for me. Try and wrinkle your nose while keeping the rest of your face smooth. Please send pictures. Not owning a face is clearly something that SMeyer and EL James have in common.
Annie: Just tried that. Absolutely not sharing pictures of it.
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New Moon Chapter 17 – She’s a brick house.

  • Posted byby Marines
  • March 23, 2016
  • 17 Comments
We've fallen off pace a bit here, and it's my fault. Time is so hard, you guys.
Catherine: SO hard. It went forward like, an hour the other day and we can't be blamed for that. So...
Kirsti: I would say that I stole it, but Australia is on daylight saving for another 2 weeks, so it definitely wasn't me.
Mari: Bella finds Alice in her house, waiting "perfectly motionless in the center of the hall." So, in addition to breaking and entering, Alice is just standing there. Still. Unmoving. Waiting.
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New Moon Chapter 16 – Death-ception

  • Posted byby K
  • March 22, 2016
  • 30 Comments
Just as Bella thinks she's about to drown, her head breaks the surface. BOOOOOOOOOOO. The waves slam her up against some rocks, which doesn't, like, hurt her or cut her in any way. No, no, friends. The rocks basically perform CPR on her, ensuring that all the water in her lungs gets spewed back out. What the shit, Meyer.
An anxious voice orders her to breathe, and Bella gets super sad when she realises that it's Jacob and not Edward.
Marines: Jacob is telling her to breathe but because it's Jacob and not Edward, "I could not obey." 
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Grey Chapter 21 – Why?

  • Posted byby Alex
  • March 22, 2016
  • 33 Comments
Yes, it's true. Ana and Grey broke up, but this book is still going. Can you guess how happy I am about that?
But E. L. must have a really good reason for writing FIVE MORE CHAPTERS of this damn thing, right? I'm sure there are going to be all sorts of plot twists and turns, and plenty of brand new information which will make reading what follows a totally worthwhile use of our time. Right? RIGHT?
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New Moon Chapter 15 – We’re in New Moon Country now.

  • Posted byby Catherine
  • March 19, 2016
  • 21 Comments
We open yet another chapter with Bella waking up in the morning. I know Meyer didn't actually invent that shitty writing shortcut or anything, and it's possible she didn't even notice she was doing it so often, but does she not understand how fucking annoying it is to read? EVERY CHAPTER Bella is waking up for the morning and EVERY CHAPTER she goes to bed at the end. And it's not like this is an intentional motif or anything.
I'm not even sure this complaint is making sense. This book is sapping my will to make sense.
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New Moon Chapter 14 – Just wolf things.

  • Posted byby Annie
  • March 17, 2016
  • 9 Comments
This chapter opens feeling strangely familiar, with Bella clinging to some guy in a forest while a group of potential predators are approaching. Instead of big bad vampires, it's big, bad, half-naked boys. The boys are moving in sync, because that's apparently what werewolves do?
Kirsti: Meanwhile, all I could think of that episode of Buffy in season 3 Willow said something about how the towels were for privacy because she and Oz were still getting used to half-nakedness, and Xander freaked a little and went "Half?! Which half??" It's much funnier if they have shirts on and no pants.
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New Moon Chapter 13 – Bella. Honey.

  • Posted byby Marines
  • March 16, 2016
  • 25 Comments
Surprising no one, Bella decides to go confront the werewolf. She clarifies that she doesn't condone what the wolves are doing and it's real cute coming from vampires' #1 fan. She spends the first page explaining her reasoning to us, again proving that Stephenie Meyer knew she was writing Bella as an insanely nonsensical character and felt the need to over-explain. Okay, Bella. We get it. You can't be friends with the killer werewolf but you have to go warn the killer werewolf.
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New Moon Chapter 12 – Shirtless tree-climbing.

  • Posted byby K
  • March 15, 2016
  • 15 Comments
After that delightful curb hanger, Bella freaks because clearly the weird noise outside is Victoria coming to murder her face off. But no. It's Jacob, just casually hanging out in the tree outside her bedroom window. Shirtless. Because of course he is.
Marines: Shirtless? For climbing trees? Really? Shirtless? For breaking and entering? It gets really uncomfortable when you can tell Stephenie was just writing out her wet dreams.
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New Moon Chapter 11 – A hole full of hurt.

  • Posted byby Catherine
  • March 14, 2016
  • 16 Comments
Bella opens up this chapter by telling us that she's surprised she's still alive. It's been 3 chapters since my last chapter so I can't remember why she's almost dying this time. Is it still because her boyfriend broke up with her or because her emotional crutch did? Let's read on and see.
Oh! It's because she keeps expecting Victoria to kill her in her sleep. Good for her. That's a legit reason to be surprised by your life.
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New Moon Chapter 10 – Return to Murder Meadow

  • Posted byby Annie
  • March 12, 2016
  • 15 Comments
This chapter opens right into the action! Woooo.
Bella is panicking because Jacob didn't call. She quickly turns into a crazy stalker type and calls him, because he's not calling her. Billy answers and tells her that Jacob is still in bed.
Bella continues to call incessantly over the next two days, even though she doesn't think anyone is home at the Black's residence. Or maybe the Blacks have caller ID so they're not picking up the phone because you're acting like a crazy person, Bells.
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New Moon Chapter 08 – “I got in a fight with Thor?”

  • Posted byby K
  • March 10, 2016
  • 17 Comments
After that fabulous curb hanger, Jake makes Bella prove that she knows how to use the motorbike by demanding to know where various controls are. After a FULL PAGE of that shit, he tells her that she's ready to actually start moving. Obviously, she freaks the fuck out. He tells her to pretend the clutch is a live hand grenade so that she won't let go of it????? This strategy would have me getting the fuck off the motorbike, but we all know that Bella's nowhere near as smart as me.
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Grey Chapter 20 – The end, except for the part where it’s not. Again.

  • Posted byby Marines
  • March 8, 2016
  • 25 Comments
Hey, it's the start of a chapter, and Grey is waking up. He's dreaming about wind and wakes up feeling like someone was just running their fingers through his hair. Ana is sleeping, though. Grey checks the time but tells us "it's after 4:30 in the morning." Look, it's not that I've come to expect the exact time or anything, but why would you look at the clock and then give unspecific information like "after 4:30"?
Grey stares at the blinking light of the fire alarm.
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New Moon Chapter 06 – Casual Oppression

  • Posted byby Annie
  • March 7, 2016
  • 20 Comments
We open with Bella talking about how these motorcycles that they plan to fix up don't need any other hiding beyond being in Jacob's garage, because Billy can't get his wheelchair into the garage.
Marines: Oh, well, I guess his disability worked out to your advantage then...? Hooray for you?
Catherine: Mmm, still risky. Probably should go ahead and blind him, too.
Kirsti: Maybe deafen him too. You never know, he might overhear you talking about bikes.