New Moon Chapter 05 – Anti-Human

Previously: Bella walked towards some skeevy guys and heard Edward’s voice in her head. — Marines: Now would be a good a time as any to link you to this interesting...

New Moon Chapter 04 – How do you still have friends?

Lucky me, I get the aftermath of the breakup! -_-
Marines: Bad news for us all: the aftermath of the breakup is basically the entire rest of this book.
K: Hooray.
In typical SMeyer fashion, we can't just read about time passing. No, no. We have to do it in the most dramatic style possible: four pages, each with a month written in the middle of it. Because, like, Bella has zero life without Edward. Geddit?

New Moon Chapter 03 – Break-Up Coma

Gosh, I just can't seem to remember if anything important or significant happens in this chapter.
Annie: Does anything important or significant ever happen in SMeyer's books until she remembers that they should have a plot in Chapter 22? My prediction is no.
Catherine: I guess we'll have to read on and see.

New Moon Chapter 02 – All Aboard the Nope Train

We open this chapter right in the middle of action, because I'm that lucky! Carlisle is ordering the vamp family around, trying to make sure that Jasper doesn't murderface Bella, who's being all human and bleeding over everything.
Emmett, Rosalie and Esme haul a rabid Jasper outside while Carlisle and Alice set to work fixing up Bella after she refuses to go to the hospital. Bella doesn't want to have to explain to Charlie that Edward was too rough with her after she accidentally cut herself, and ended up slicing up her whole arm on broken glass when he threw her into a table.

Grey Chapter 19 – Tudor choral music

It's 2 a.m. and Grey can't sleep. I can't either, because his stupid ass is awake and I'm having to read about it, but here we are anyway. He's busy mulling over ex-submissive Leila, his own “waking nightmare.” In typical Grey fashion, he spends only about .2 seconds (A: seven whole words!) thinking about Leila before making it all about him. Her pain reminds him of his pain as a teenager, or something.
He goes to his piano to play moody music. He's upset that Ana's not there, and he can't just fuck himself into forgetfulness because, damn her, she never signed his contract. So now it's becoming Ana's fault, nice.

New Moon Chapter 01 – Paper – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Cut

And we're back! I added a little exclamation point to feign some excitement about reading this again. I am happy you are here, though. Welcome! (Note: Genuine exclamation point that time.)
Say hello, ladies:
Kirsti: HELLO FRIENDS. Fun fact: when I first typed that, I wrote "HELL FRIENDS", and that accurately depicts what reading and recapping this book is like: you're in hell, but at least you have friends to complain to about how godawful it is.
Catherine: Hi! I'm glad to see you all again although I wish it was under better circumstances. We really must meet at a happier occasion sometime. Like a funeral or a Mary Kay party.

Grey Chapter 18 – We Are Brian

Before we get started, I’d just like to apologise for the delays in getting Grey recaps out so far this year, all of which have been entirely my fault. I promise I’ll get my shit together for the next one!
Anyway, here we go. The chapter opens and would anyone like to guess what Grey is doing? That’s right! He’s… waking up! He’s being woken up by Ana, who’s talking in her sleep. Her ‘whispered words penetrate [his] slumber’.

Grey Chapter 17 – We make our own fun.

I cannot remember a single thing that happened in the last chapter. I’m not saying this as an apology or anything. I actually get pretty proud of myself whenever I manage to purge any part of this experience from my brain.
Jessica: I also have forgotten pretty much everything except some shadowy glimpses of plot. I've enjoyed this ignorance, and I feel that I shall soon miss it....
Mari: Yep. Also, I know I'm not posting this on it's regular day, but since we've been gone for so long, and we finally finished this thing, I figured why not. We can all soon miss our ignorance together.

Sweet Valley High #015 “Promises” – Shared milk.

Okay, here we go. I haven’t read a SVH book in about 15 years, but I do remember that I was slightly obsessed with Jessica because I am a complete and utter nerdy Elizabeth and I thought Jess was SO COOL DUDE.
Marines: If nothing else, I hope this experiment changes your mind about Jessica because that bitch is CRAZY.
Laura: One paragraph in, I'm immediately told the girls have large blue-green eyes! As if I could ever forget. And Tricia is dying, for realz this time.

Grey Chapter 16 – Monopoly and lies, lies, LIES

The chapter begins with a scene from Grey's childhood, where he hides in the closet from “him” who often hits Grey and the Crack Whore.
Grey awakens from this bad dream, and as he gets ready for a run, receives a text from Ana saying she's arrived safely in Georgia. That she's safe makes him happy, but then he checks his email and of course, there's a really long one from Ana. It makes his scalp prickle (you know, like when a ghost is nearby?) and he sits down to read it.

#snarkathon – Twilight

Have you had enough Twilight yet? Well, that's too bad, because we decided to have a Twilight Snarkathon. Let's get right to it.
The movie opens with a shot of a forest and a deer being chased by some unseen creature. This thing pounces National Geographic station style on the deer.
Next, we get a Bella voiceover explaining that she’s moving to Forks.

Grey Chapter 15 – Where’s the pie?

I honestly kept forgetting to write this recap. I've never been so proud of my brain.
Anyway.
"Her sharp intake of breath is music to my dick."
Can I just start using "music to me [body part]" in real life now?
We start this chapter right in the middle of a goddamn conversation because EL James is the worst. If you'll recall, Ana wanted to talk about Grey's messed up childhood and he was like, "no. Vagina balls."

Grey Chapter 14 – Talk to the groin.

Grey starts his day by casually jogging past Ana’s new apartment. He chuckles to himself about what a stalker he is but then immediately gets defensive. He’s just out for a run, OK? ‘It’s a free country’. Dude, there’s no one else here. You’re literally arguing with yourself right now about whether or not you’re being a stalker.
Marines: So, really, the question is if you are a deranged stalker or a super deranged stalker. It's a close call.

Grey Chapter 13 – Brought to you by A

In a shocking turn of events, we do not get a chronologically detailed description of Christian Grey going about every aspect of his boring life to start this chapter, but in fact, jump right to the time and place of the next “plot” point in the story.
Mia, ever ebullient, literally squeals Grey's name and hugs him at the airport. She wants to talk about his new girl, but he would rather do actual work and heavy lifting of her luggage than speak with her about that.

Grey Chapter 12 – Trust me, you liked it.

We pick up the emails right where they left off last time, but now it's 12:03am, so it's a new day, see? Grey sends back an email asking why Ana said she doesn't like him. If you are an author who figures that including full email transcripts is a super excellent way to fill your book, what do you do between emails?