Before we get started on this chapter, I’d like to thank Mari for picking up chapter 9 (the sex contract chapter) while I was completely swamped with finishing my masters degree. However, I've kind of screwed myself over, because now I have to cover this extremely long chapter instead. Come back, sex contract! All is forgiven! (Not really).
Marines: I love you, but this worked out so well for me.
So right off, Grey orders a glass of Sancerre at a bar. It appears he doesn't have the same level of hate for it as he does for Chardonnay, but with his volatile personality, who the hell knows.
The reason he's chugging (I assume) wine at the bar is he's waiting for Ana for their date. He's nervous, because he's never taken a sub out to dinner before, and that crazy Ana insisted on driving herself so he can't control her every movement from the house onward. Other than that, he's had a pretty normal day so far doing business stuff, including firing three people.
The reason he's chugging (I assume) wine at the bar is he's waiting for Ana for their date. He's nervous, because he's never taken a sub out to dinner before, and that crazy Ana insisted on driving herself so he can't control her every movement from the house onward. Other than that, he's had a pretty normal day so far doing business stuff, including firing three people.
Grey really hates Detroit. He works real hard to suppress all of his memories from stupid Detroit, but we all know he's really unsuccessful at that. Exhibit A is those nightmares he has about once a chapter. All of this "matters" (I use that word loosely) because he is thinking of opening an electronics plant there. He tosses the report he's looking over aside and takes a sip of his wine.
"I toss it on the dining table and take a sip of my Sancerre. Shit. It's warm."
That is a really violent reaction to warm wine, Grey. Calm down.
"I toss it on the dining table and take a sip of my Sancerre. Shit. It's warm."
That is a really violent reaction to warm wine, Grey. Calm down.
*dusts off the Childhood Trauma section*
Hello friends! I know this is super weird to have a Goosebumps post up on a random Thursday but I've been working on this project for a long time and just couldn't wait to publish it as soon as it was all done.
Sweeney came up with the idea of making an interactive series of videos where viewers could work their way through a Goosebumps choose-your-own-adventure book. We first collected video for this last year, but the project was shelved.
Hello friends! I know this is super weird to have a Goosebumps post up on a random Thursday but I've been working on this project for a long time and just couldn't wait to publish it as soon as it was all done.
Sweeney came up with the idea of making an interactive series of videos where viewers could work their way through a Goosebumps choose-your-own-adventure book. We first collected video for this last year, but the project was shelved.
In a small paragraph that's obviously just left over from last chapter, Grey informs us that he goes to bed sometime after 1 a.m. He's excited to continue work on his new project – Anastasia Steele: Virgin.
Alex: Fucksake. He actually calls her "a new project". We're literally three sentences into the chapter and I'm already getting a rage migraine.
Marines: If you want to black out early, try thinking about whether incessant talk of training her is worse than "new project."
J: Nothing is worse. We've just reached a plateau where everything is terrible.
Alex: Fucksake. He actually calls her "a new project". We're literally three sentences into the chapter and I'm already getting a rage migraine.
Marines: If you want to black out early, try thinking about whether incessant talk of training her is worse than "new project."
J: Nothing is worse. We've just reached a plateau where everything is terrible.
Hi, welcome back. Have a drink if you are playing along at home because Christian Grey just woke up with a start to start the chapter. This fine morning he's experiencing a pervading sense of guilt.
"Is it because I've fucked Anastasia Steele? Virgin?"
I laughed for five solid minutes. Anastasia Steele: VIRGIN.
Grey checks the time so probably you should drink again. It's after three in the morning and Ana is fast asleep. Grey says that his body "stirs" as he watches her and this is my mental image:
"Is it because I've fucked Anastasia Steele? Virgin?"
I laughed for five solid minutes. Anastasia Steele: VIRGIN.
Grey checks the time so probably you should drink again. It's after three in the morning and Ana is fast asleep. Grey says that his body "stirs" as he watches her and this is my mental image:
My last recap was mostly just a bunch of stuff from FSoG slightly rewritten from Grey’s PoV. It seems that I’ve got pretty much the same deal this time, only A MILLION TIMES WORSE, because now I have the dubious honour of recapping Grey’s first sex scene.
Luckily, though, I have a while to prepare myself for that, because this is also the LONGEST CHAPTER OF ALL TIME. It just keeps going and going. I’ll be surprised if anyone is even still reading by the time we get to the sex part.
Jessica: Your perseverance in not only reading, but writing, is impressive. Just reading this took colossal effort.
Luckily, though, I have a while to prepare myself for that, because this is also the LONGEST CHAPTER OF ALL TIME. It just keeps going and going. I’ll be surprised if anyone is even still reading by the time we get to the sex part.
Jessica: Your perseverance in not only reading, but writing, is impressive. Just reading this took colossal effort.
We start with Grey standing in front of the bathroom mirror, contemplating how much amazing sleep he's gotten lately and thinking about Ana. He says “As I shave, the asshole in the mirror stares back at me with cool, gray eyes” and before I finish the sentence my brain has already leapt to OH GOD HE'S SHAVING HIS ASSHOLE YOU GUYS. And I realize I'm ruined forever. I hope you're happy, Mari.
Alex: In case you were wondering, the italicised outbursts from Grey's penis while he shaves are 'Liar' swiftly followed by 'Fuck'. Maybe that razor got a little too close for comfort.
Alex: In case you were wondering, the italicised outbursts from Grey's penis while he shaves are 'Liar' swiftly followed by 'Fuck'. Maybe that razor got a little too close for comfort.
A chapter is starting, so a character is waking up. Grey screams, "no!" and I find it oddly hilarious that EL tells us that the scream, "bounces off the bedroom walls and wakes [him] from [his] nightmare." That rude scream bounces off the wall and probably bopped him on the head.
Grey wakes up and can still smell the "stale beer, cigarettes and poverty" from his nightmare. He can smell the poverty. Usually we're being facetious when we use the "I hear poor people smell bad" tag, but leave it to Grey to think that poverty is actually a smell.
Grey wakes up and can still smell the "stale beer, cigarettes and poverty" from his nightmare. He can smell the poverty. Usually we're being facetious when we use the "I hear poor people smell bad" tag, but leave it to Grey to think that poverty is actually a smell.
It's the day after Grey's stalker-shopping trip. He's out for an early-morning run as he listens to Moby and recalls dreaming about Ana last night. (J: For some reason, knowing Grey listens to Moby makes me laugh.) In his dream she was on her knees and calling him 'sir'. How sweet. His run apparently goes on for TWO WHOLE HOURS, although E.L. James thankfully manages to resist the urge to narrate the entire thing and instead skips to Grey jogging past a coffee shop on his way back to the hotel. He briefly considers asking Ana out for a coffee date, but then he laughs at himself because that's something a normal non-murdery person would do. Ew.
It's about 5 days later, but we're starting off with information from the background check Grey ordered on Ana at the end of the last chapter. In true EL James style, we are treated to ALL the information, which is a bunch of details that I don't care about and am forgetting immediately. This includes her freaking Social Security Number, bank account balance and SAT score! It claims she got a 2150. Anyone know how to translate that into the old scores? I really hope it isn't higher than Buffy's 1430 but this is Grey, so anything can happen.
Alex: It also includes her 'mobile' number, which strikes me as something that the 'Americanism' team should maybe have picked up on? Also, I'm kind of curious about whose number that actually is.
Alex: It also includes her 'mobile' number, which strikes me as something that the 'Americanism' team should maybe have picked up on? Also, I'm kind of curious about whose number that actually is.
The last actual book recap we posted went up in October of 2013. WHAT EVEN. I mean, sure, there were lots of series wrap-up posts, a trailer to dissect and a movie to die through, but still. It seems like only yesterday we were holding each other in the comments.
I sent out an email to the rest of the Snark Ladies asking if any of them loved me enough/hated their lives enough to recap along with me. Some of them will be popping in and out for one off things, but two brave souls volunteered as tributes: Alex and Jessica. Say hello ladies!
I sent out an email to the rest of the Snark Ladies asking if any of them loved me enough/hated their lives enough to recap along with me. Some of them will be popping in and out for one off things, but two brave souls volunteered as tributes: Alex and Jessica. Say hello ladies!
When we finished recapping the entire Fifty Shades series, Sweeney and I decided to record vlogs discussing our feelings about the project as a whole. Sweeney put together a lovely video that remains one of my favorite things ever. I... never did it. Blame some combination of permanent trauma and lack of words. After two years of recapping this series chapter by chapter, I had very little else to say.
This is probably my punishment, then, for having flaked out on that final vlog. Yes, I went to go see the movie and yes, I have more feelings than could truly be captured during my live-Tweeting, so yes, I'm doing the movie post.
This is probably my punishment, then, for having flaked out on that final vlog. Yes, I went to go see the movie and yes, I have more feelings than could truly be captured during my live-Tweeting, so yes, I'm doing the movie post.
In a nutshell: Twin teenagers Noah and Jude used to be inseparable, but a series of events drive them apart. Each sibling only has half the story, though, and they need to find their way back to each other to put things back together.
We Judge Covers: This cover tells you very little about the book, but it's super fun. Definitely something I'd at least pick up in the book store, knowing nothing else about it. A+ work, marketing folks.
Main Character: There are two, though I think Jude got a little more time than Noah. The story jumps a little in the timeline - Noah begins the story when they're 13 and Jude begins when they're 16.
We Judge Covers: This cover tells you very little about the book, but it's super fun. Definitely something I'd at least pick up in the book store, knowing nothing else about it. A+ work, marketing folks.
Main Character: There are two, though I think Jude got a little more time than Noah. The story jumps a little in the timeline - Noah begins the story when they're 13 and Jude begins when they're 16.
A new Hunger Games movie is upon us (well, a few months away, anyway), and the geniuses behind The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1 have released seven Panem propaganda posters entitled "District Heroes." Each poster salutes a different district, as the Capitol implores its citizens to "love your labor" and, you know, generally stop supporting Katniss-inspired rebellions, I guess.
But since Snark Ladies know more about Panem than your average Lionsgate marketing genius, we thought it would be fun to tear these posters apart! Some are brilliant, others are bit off the mark, and the rest don't make any fucking sense at all. I will dole out Propaganda Points for how effective the poster would be at convincing the district citizens to support the Capitol, and Bullshit Ratings for how accurately it depicts life in that district (at least from the Capitol's point of view). Let the propaganda party begin!
But since Snark Ladies know more about Panem than your average Lionsgate marketing genius, we thought it would be fun to tear these posters apart! Some are brilliant, others are bit off the mark, and the rest don't make any fucking sense at all. I will dole out Propaganda Points for how effective the poster would be at convincing the district citizens to support the Capitol, and Bullshit Ratings for how accurately it depicts life in that district (at least from the Capitol's point of view). Let the propaganda party begin!