The last chapter ended with Ana answering a phone call from Mia, only to discover that Jack Hyde, evil boss extraordinaire, was on the other line. We start this chapter one second later. "Jack." My voice has disappeared, choked by fear.
Jack, she says with her voice, one second before the cracked out author tells us her voice has disappeared. Jack is surprised that Ana remembers him. Since he was her boss at her first post-college job, who also tried to sexually molest her, I'm gonna go ahead and say it isn't any wonder she remembers him. Also, she last saw him a few months ago. Maybe this is more a commentary on Jack being surprised that Ana remembers anything at all.
Chapters either begin with Ana waking up and asking herself lots of questions about how she came to a person who is awake or immediately after the previous chapter ended, with Ana asking lots of questions about the thing we just learned. This is the latter. She asks herself all sorts of questions about this "betrayal" and how he could do this to her. That's the one that really gets me. How could he do this to you? Really, Ana? At this point the list of horrible things he has yet to do to you is much shorter than the ones he has. You should have made that list and kept it in your wallet for regular review so you know what to expect next.
I'm not kidding -- two consecutive (short) paragraphs contain a grand total of 10 questions. (That's including two instances of "Why.")
I'm not kidding -- two consecutive (short) paragraphs contain a grand total of 10 questions. (That's including two instances of "Why.")
In a nutshell: Things are changing for Cath and very quickly. She's spent her whole life holding the hand of her twin sister Wren, but now they are starting college, and Wren doesn't even want to be her roommate. Wren has also abandoned their long time joint hobby of writing Simon Snow fanfiction. Cath is completely out of her element, but still, she's got to learn to navigate her new life, which includes a brutally honest roommate and her always cheery boyfriend, a Fiction Writing class where fanfiction is not welcome, a twin sister who keeps drifting away and the father they left behind, who she can't quit worrying about.
Plus, she's determined to finish her latest fanfiction story before the final book in the series is released.
Plus, she's determined to finish her latest fanfiction story before the final book in the series is released.
Ana is in total shock because apparently, if you are having sex, YOU CAN GET PREGNANT. Ana thinks about how much she doesn't want a baby and how she knows her husband is going to freak.
Dr. Best in Seattle says, "judging by your reaction, I suspect you're just a couple of weeks or so from conception-- four or five weeks pregnant." UM. WHAT? RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN. Because she was shocked, your super doctor skillz tell you she's four or five weeks pregnant? Shock is a measure of such things? Clearly, Dr. Best doesn't watch any TV.
Dr. Best in Seattle says, "judging by your reaction, I suspect you're just a couple of weeks or so from conception-- four or five weeks pregnant." UM. WHAT? RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN. Because she was shocked, your super doctor skillz tell you she's four or five weeks pregnant? Shock is a measure of such things? Clearly, Dr. Best doesn't watch any TV.
The chapter begins with some stuff that's meant to be sweet, but when you realize that it's mommy porn, it's more awkward. Ana is excited that her "daddy" is awake and he calls her "Annie" and whatnot. He doesn't seem to remember the accident and asks for some water, specifically, but I think he really wants a drink. I do too, because rather than staying there with her father, we cut immediately to Ana running out to the waiting room to tell Christian Grey that he's awake. Because obviously. "What do I do now? IDK, better go tell that infected scrotum I call my husband."
The infected scrotum is all, "Great. He's awake."
The infected scrotum is all, "Great. He's awake."
Chances are, dearest of Traumateers, that you've heard the news. No, not about Syria. No, not about that guy sentenced to 1,000 years in prison. No, not about that school stabbing. No, not about Miley Cyrus. FOCUS.
We're clearly talking about Fifty Shades casting news! I know, I know. If you're like us, you've been ignoring the early news about this movie, hoping that someone, somewhere would wisen up and realize there is no actual way you can film a tampon scene. Rumors swirled, Brett Easton Ellis plugged for his own involvement, a director was chosen, and still we hoped against hope that it was all a joke.
We're clearly talking about Fifty Shades casting news! I know, I know. If you're like us, you've been ignoring the early news about this movie, hoping that someone, somewhere would wisen up and realize there is no actual way you can film a tampon scene. Rumors swirled, Brett Easton Ellis plugged for his own involvement, a director was chosen, and still we hoped against hope that it was all a joke.
EL James only ever starts chapters one second after the previous or with Ana waking up.
Ana wakes up, and it's her birthday. I'm pretty sure enough has been said about how loathsome it is that her birthday is near or around mine (and so many of you in the comments!) but I'm saying it again, because the Number Gods have deemed that I am to cover her actual birthday on top of it all.
Ana takes full moments to "orientate" herself, and it comes with a sense of deja vu over being at the Heathman again. She "gasps out loud," and look if these jokes are recycled, file a complaint with EL James who after three books, didn't learn that a gasp is an audible thing.
Ana wakes up, and it's her birthday. I'm pretty sure enough has been said about how loathsome it is that her birthday is near or around mine (and so many of you in the comments!) but I'm saying it again, because the Number Gods have deemed that I am to cover her actual birthday on top of it all.
Ana takes full moments to "orientate" herself, and it comes with a sense of deja vu over being at the Heathman again. She "gasps out loud," and look if these jokes are recycled, file a complaint with EL James who after three books, didn't learn that a gasp is an audible thing.
As usual, we begin exactly where the previous chapter ends, because these books each span approximately 72 hours. Ana is still on the phone with Josecob's dad and mostly because I'm always looking for a good excuse to procrastinate while doing these posts, I started looking up Jacob's dad in Twilight. (Google wasn't sure if I wanted "Twilight" or "The Bible.") When I asked Google for a gif of Billy Black, I found this:
Lorraine: I thought I would never again be appalled by something someone made. I stand corrected.
Sweeney: This is the internet, Lor. The possibilities are endless!
Lorraine: I thought I would never again be appalled by something someone made. I stand corrected.
Sweeney: This is the internet, Lor. The possibilities are endless!
Last chapter's curbhanger was the little reveal that Leila, also known as The Ghost of Submissives Past, has shown up and is waiting for Ana at reception with another woman. First, though, female bodyguard Prescott (I'm not sure if we've ever mentioned her before) wants to talk to Ana. Prescott says that the GSP is on Ana's list of "proscribed visitors."
Think about this for one second. Ana's husband has drafted up a list of people she is not allowed to see, and he's done it without her knowledge. She has at least one security guard with her at all times, and they are instructed to make sure that certain people never see her.
Think about this for one second. Ana's husband has drafted up a list of people she is not allowed to see, and he's done it without her knowledge. She has at least one security guard with her at all times, and they are instructed to make sure that certain people never see her.
Sweeney: Having dispensed with all that crazy business wherein Ana had to interact with other people, we begin this chapter in a familiar place: with everyone's least favorite couple in bed. Ana, "linger[s] on the edge of consciousness," afraid to wake her future murderer. A valid fear.
Lorraine: It's made a hilarious fear because Ana is being suffocated by Grey's body heat. So, she's not going to wake him because he doesn't get enough sleep and Grey needs to sleep regardless of if Ana is being robbed of her oxygen. Because it hasn't happened in a bit: AND THEN SHE DIES.
Sweeney: That game will never stop being wonderful.
Lorraine: It's made a hilarious fear because Ana is being suffocated by Grey's body heat. So, she's not going to wake him because he doesn't get enough sleep and Grey needs to sleep regardless of if Ana is being robbed of her oxygen. Because it hasn't happened in a bit: AND THEN SHE DIES.
Sweeney: That game will never stop being wonderful.
Lorraine: We haven't written a Fifty Shades post in two weeks, but it really seems like ages since we last took rage to screen. No worries, though. This crap is like riding a bike. I already feel my fingers reaching for the capslock key.
We start the chapter with everyone in the restaurant staring at Kate, because if you'll recall, Elliot just proposed to her. We're supposed to be freaking out about what Kate will answer, I guess, but let's be honest:
We start the chapter with everyone in the restaurant staring at Kate, because if you'll recall, Elliot just proposed to her. We're supposed to be freaking out about what Kate will answer, I guess, but let's be honest:
Sweeney: As promised, here is some of the miscellaneous absurdity scrapped from the recap. This is not actually in any particular order and probably won’t make much sense without having...
This chapter, dear readers, marks the mid-way point in Fifty Shades Freed. We are halfway there. (And trying not to think about the fact that this means we still have three long months of Fifty Shades reading ahead of us.) As with the first two books, we are celebrating this momentous occasion with a vlog. This is the final Fifty Shades vlog recap! I realize that we have now celebrated the shit out of every completed step in the Fifty Shades reading process and it has probably lost all meaning for you, but we really like to celebrate.
Several of you mentioned on Twitter that 5 minutes is your max for a vlog, so I apologize for not being able to get our 40 minutes of rambling into anything less than 14.
Several of you mentioned on Twitter that 5 minutes is your max for a vlog, so I apologize for not being able to get our 40 minutes of rambling into anything less than 14.
Ana starts us off by confirming that no, she did not know where her husband was born. That's usually the stuff you learn in like week 2 or 3 of dating, right about the time Grey and Ana were signing contracts or, I don't know, getting married.
Grey tells Ana that he and Elliot were both born and adopted in Detroit. The Greys moved to Seattle shortly thereafter. Ana wants to know how Grey knows that Jack was born in Detroit.
Oh, this is a serious question? Girl, you are seriously asking how MF STALKER BOYFRIEND knew where Jack was born? Even Grey is all, “um, duh.” as he shares that he had a background check run on Jack.
Grey tells Ana that he and Elliot were both born and adopted in Detroit. The Greys moved to Seattle shortly thereafter. Ana wants to know how Grey knows that Jack was born in Detroit.
Oh, this is a serious question? Girl, you are seriously asking how MF STALKER BOYFRIEND knew where Jack was born? Even Grey is all, “um, duh.” as he shares that he had a background check run on Jack.
Picking up exactly where the last chapter left off (only ELJ would try to use the protagonist's husband waiting for her as a chapter-ending curbhanger) Ana's whispermurmurchokes about Grey having been waiting for in THOSE PANTS that hang on his hips in THAT WAY. She asks herself a lot of stupid questions.
Grey has hung his pants from his hips in that extra-special way in order to sexy distract Ana.
His sexy distraction is described with words like "stalk" which sounds about right. He printed out the email that she sent him -- you know, that eight seconds where she had a spine and explained her very legitimate issue with him flying back to Seattle because she fucking got a drink with a friend?
Grey has hung his pants from his hips in that extra-special way in order to sexy distract Ana.
His sexy distraction is described with words like "stalk" which sounds about right. He printed out the email that she sent him -- you know, that eight seconds where she had a spine and explained her very legitimate issue with him flying back to Seattle because she fucking got a drink with a friend?