Previously: Bella didn’t handle the imprinting bullshit so well. Shocker. — Kirsti: Let’s start off with a little warning, because this chapter is fucking disgusting, y’all. We pick up literally exactly...
Previously: There was extra room in Bella’s brain. — Catherine: After the curbhanger of Bella lunging at Jacob because he gave her baby a stupid nickname last chapter, this chapter opens...
Bella looks out the window, kind of hesitating about jumping from the second story. She says she isn't afraid of heights, but with her HD vision, she can now see the sharpness of the rocks below even better... What kind of MF rocks do they have below this second story window, for goodness's sake? I don't care how good your vision is, HOW SHARP COULD THEY BE?
Hahahaha, LUCKY ME I GET TO RECAP THE CHAPTER WHERE BELLA JUST LOOKS AT THINGS WITH HER NEW VAMPIRE EYEBALLS.
Annie: Still recovering from the birth chapter, so... I love you, but I do not have the emotional capacity to show sympathy for you rn.
Marines: On the brightish side, our readers will certainly be v sympathetic to our long bouts of silence, surely.
Catherine: I can't see how they wouldn't be. They are very charitable.
Annie: Still recovering from the birth chapter, so... I love you, but I do not have the emotional capacity to show sympathy for you rn.
Marines: On the brightish side, our readers will certainly be v sympathetic to our long bouts of silence, surely.
Catherine: I can't see how they wouldn't be. They are very charitable.
Welcome to the bloody Quentin Tarantino Chapter of Breaking Dawn, also known as nope, nope, fucking no, nope.
The title of this chapter is 'There are no words for this'. Aptly named. I'm still not sure that prepares us all for what is to come in this chapter, but I'm doing my best.
Kirsti: Come, friends. Let us gather around the Snark Lady Booze Cupboard and drink its full contents before proceeding with this abomination of a chapter.
The title of this chapter is 'There are no words for this'. Aptly named. I'm still not sure that prepares us all for what is to come in this chapter, but I'm doing my best.
Kirsti: Come, friends. Let us gather around the Snark Lady Booze Cupboard and drink its full contents before proceeding with this abomination of a chapter.
I feel like you guys aren't even going to believe this chapter name but I am here to faithfully report it: What Do I Look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.
The drama is real. Also, I'm not convinced Jacob has a brain or a heart so...
Kirsti: Neither. Neither is good. (Seriously though - that chapter title is fucking ridiculous. No wonder this book is seven trillion pages long...)
Annie: Everything about this is ridiculous, so at least Meyer is staying on message?
The drama is real. Also, I'm not convinced Jacob has a brain or a heart so...
Kirsti: Neither. Neither is good. (Seriously though - that chapter title is fucking ridiculous. No wonder this book is seven trillion pages long...)
Annie: Everything about this is ridiculous, so at least Meyer is staying on message?
Jacob wakes up (-_-) on the floor when Edward decides that it's time to cool Bella down. He heads out with Leah to do "the deep run" while Seth stays on patrol. They don't find anything. I just recapped 3 pages. You're welcome.
Marines: I love these reminders that this is way too many words to describe boring crap and utter horrors.
Marines: I love these reminders that this is way too many words to describe boring crap and utter horrors.
The title of this chapter is 'Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock', which is appropriate because I can feel my life slipping away as I read it. (K: Samesies.) (A: Ditto.)
We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it's because, although Leah is 'trying hard' to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn't like the vampires and she doesn't like Jake and Seth's friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it's because he understands her hostility better now.
We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it's because, although Leah is 'trying hard' to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn't like the vampires and she doesn't like Jake and Seth's friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it's because he understands her hostility better now.
Jacob returns to the Cullens' house to find Edward has left out a set of clothes for him. He takes the clothes that reek of vampire back to the forest to make sure Edward hasn't played a trick on him or given him ladies clothes or something. Because cross dressing is both HILARIOUS and something to be embarrassed and ashamed about. Haha, lol.
Hi, hello there! I'm back from 1- Three business trips in a month 2- moving into a new apartment in a nearby city 3- CATCHING THE FLU and 4- having Breaking Dawn be number 247 on my list of overall priorities. Luckily for you all (?), I missed you guys and so here we are.
Annie: I don't know if I'd use 'lucky' and Breaking Dawn in the same sentence, but let's do this.
Annie: I don't know if I'd use 'lucky' and Breaking Dawn in the same sentence, but let's do this.
This chapter is titled "Some people just don't grasp the concept of unwelcome." Yeah, and one of those people is Stephenie Meyer in publishing this abomination of a book.
Ahem.
Catherine: We can high five on that.
Ahem.
Catherine: We can high five on that.
Already going into this chapter, I can see a lot of wolf thoughts in italics and I hate this narrative device so much for some reason. (K: SAAAAAME.) You may remember that the last chapter ended with Jacob refusing a direct order from Sam, the Alpha wolf, and then crumpling on the ground. I believe those of us in the Pick Up Artist community refer to that as a 'beta cuck'.
This is supposed to be this big build up from New Moon for us to finally see what happens when a wolf actually refuses the command of their Alpha but I don't care about... any of this so.
This is supposed to be this big build up from New Moon for us to finally see what happens when a wolf actually refuses the command of their Alpha but I don't care about... any of this so.
I'd like to point out that the name of this chapter really sums up our journey through this series: "Why didn't I just walk away? Oh right. Because I'm an idiot."
Kirsti: I will solidly take the blame for suggesting that we continue with this trainwreck of a series after finishing book 1. Sorry, ladies. I regret that decision more than I regret any other decision in my life, including the time I thought it would be a good idea to eat three huge helpings of pie and I threw up all over my parents' bathroom.
Kirsti: I will solidly take the blame for suggesting that we continue with this trainwreck of a series after finishing book 1. Sorry, ladies. I regret that decision more than I regret any other decision in my life, including the time I thought it would be a good idea to eat three huge helpings of pie and I threw up all over my parents' bathroom.
The brilliant title of this chapter is, "sure as hell didn't see that one coming." There is a vampire sperm/mystical pregnancy joke in there and this is me making it.
Catherine: Omg. Mari, WHY?!?
Kirsti: -_- Pass the brain bleach, please.
Annie: Nope, sorry. I used it all last chapter.
Catherine: Omg. Mari, WHY?!?
Kirsti: -_- Pass the brain bleach, please.
Annie: Nope, sorry. I used it all last chapter.
Lucky, lucky me. We change to Jacob's perspective for the middle chunk of the book. JOY.
Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella's perspective is Jacob's perspective.
Annie: See, I'd completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it's still written by SMeyer.
Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella's perspective is Jacob's perspective.
Annie: See, I'd completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it's still written by SMeyer.